Lewis Black | The Rant Is Due best of Abortion

Alex King Alix King I'm furious that [ __ ] AR-15 owners have more rights than women with uteruses creatures with no control over their own reproduction are called livestock yep that wouldn't hurt that one hurt that wouldn't hurt you can't run from that can you and that was a boo there wasn't it that was for those you didn't hear across the world there was a veritable in the audience Sean Carr this rant may be controversial but I don't give a [ __ ] about any feelings that may be put out of sorts I'm so sick of hearing about politicians trying to limit Reproductive Rights first of all you dick Watts who are in favor of this you should be ashamed of yourself abortion is legal and there's nothing to do with you and if you start to use a religious argument to prevent this right you're a [ __ ] nut because I'm also sure that you're the same person refusing to get a covid-19 vaccine with by saying my body my choice okay all right however your atrophes if Linux swiss cheese brain morons need to shove your objections so far up your ass you never see it again and by the way there's an extremely simple way to prevent unintended pregnancies and that would be birth control teach your children to use birth control pills and how to wrap their little peckers in a condom foreign why must we fight over an effect when a better solution is prevent the root cause of the issue also if you are now thinking to yourself that talking to your Broods of failure will cause them to want to have sex then you're [ __ ] stupid research has shown that sex education actually reduces unintended pregnancies and most importantly stops the spread of STIs every [ __ ] [ __ ] stain idiot who is more interested in fake morality should just gets sterilized to prevent them from Ever Getting pleasured now [ __ ] fix this and provide birth control and quit being [ __ ] to people who do not share your ideals and give your kids baby condoms and teach them to use them oh and finally if you try to blame a woman for getting pregnant and say it's not your son's fault then just remember he had to be there to drizzle his jizz all over to cause a pregnancy yeah these are jokes that I wrote for myself it takes two to tango and they both had a hand in this outcome treat everybody fairly and compassionately if not you're a [ __ ] who has no brains between your ears grow the [ __ ] up you dick Jesus and then I like this at the end thanks for reading my rant Louis so I'm interested to see what the response is I also think that what was important about that was the was the whole idea of sex education it's unbelievable that schools don't do that when I was a kid there was there was basically they kind of gave us a sex education course that was but and I wrote uh actually a series for Maryland Public Television and the Eastern Shore which was a lot at that point in time this is but got almost 45 years ago um they I was supposed to write like a kind of a like a soap opera about and basically try to get kids to kind of like basically try to push kids not to get married and um and at that point uh the eastern shore of Maryland was filled with people who had apparently they they couldn't get into Mississippi so they said hey moved to the Eastern Shore and and I think I only say that because I wrote this stuff and then and I said we got into like the eighth and the ninth one and they said to me you know um and it was 30 episodes and they're not supposed to get married and they're having sex and they're telling me well you can't talk about birth control and I'm like what the [ __ ] am I writing this for you don't want him to get married but they're going to have sex and they've been The kids are going to know they're going to have sex and you're not going to we're going to mention condoms or birth can anything what oh my God and then we wonder why this [ __ ] continues it was unbelievable I'm [ __ ] believable then they told me they fought you know by the tenth one they said oh you know a lot of the kids are really getting negative about marriage that's the point this is from Gail Hamilton this is her opinion people in the U.S realize that the Supreme Court is just nuts don't they right because a [ __ ] hemorrhoid and human form became president and is appointed two people and I use the term loosely using criteria that seems to be choosing candidates that have a worse record as a human being than him we are now stuck with [ __ ] bags such as Justice rapey mcrape face and the real-life version of Professor Umbridge and due to the inanity of Lifetime appointments they will be there after my daughter hits [ __ ] menopause what the hell are you gonna do track every woman making trips from DC to Maryland to check that they are actually planning to see dolphins frolicking at the national aquariums yes officer I truly enjoy watching an intelligent mammal jump through hoops for a sliver of mackerel you're going to have a portable sonogram in your squad car what's going to happen to [ __ ] privacy guess that only applies to white guys and while we're at it why the [ __ ] do white guys get off making rules on abortion the closest any of them will ever come to being personally affected by this ruling is if Justice Mick rape face has to procure those handy dandy pills for one of those suspiciously attractive clerks stay the [ __ ] out of my and 150 million women's bodies foreign you don't like abortions don't [ __ ] get one um this is uh and also I'm going to say this who's upset it all the time this is a [ __ ] open Forum okay if there's something you want to say about what you heard tonight go ahead and write it in and I'll go ahead and read it okay I'm not I'm interested in hearing from all sides so so go ahead that's that was certainly an extreme position I think rapey mcrape face Maybe Just a Touch the touch over the line but I'm not a woman even though I I have menstruated once my mother made me as a punishment in the band I really would love it if the world would stop trying to send us back into the dark dark ages where especially looking at you Arizona bringing back a territorial law before we were even a state when women and people of color were still considered property for [ __ ] sake I'd love to be able to not uh worry about what others do or do not want me to do with my body and especially not by a group of mostly old white men who have never had to experience bleeding every month or what it would feel like to actually push another human being out of their private beds foreign just maybe stay in your lane and worry about your own mistresses who may or may not have to use those services that you're so hell-bent on suppressing sincerely one pissed off Phoenician it's that is unbelievable that I mean if you want to have a law and you want to deal create this kind of law to deal with abortion a word that I I've never did a joke I would talk about it in an earlier act where the the one thing I did was the reason I didn't do a joke is because even when I said the word you can hear every [ __ ] in the room snapshot but but just a tip from someone from out of state if you're going to come up with this law you can't base it on a law that was created uh it's two centuries ago okay we've kind of moved forward [ __ ] sit down and figure it the [ __ ] out okay wow this one is this one's pretty intense and I thought it deserved to be red um and it's about Mother's Day Diana Nelson well we just heard the news that Roe versus Wade will probably be overturned by the elitist sperm donations that should have ended existence in the bottom of a tube sock yep I told you instead of becoming scotus justices and just in time for Mother's Day now that's a supremely twisted gift of irony people are not pro-life almost 50 years ago I found myself in the non-to-envial position of having to decide whether to pursue my own dreams or jettison them to support the sacred life of the fetus who had invaded my body why have my life been appropriated by an unknown entity because I was overwhelmed by the teenage hormones that drove me to breed yes I had s-e-x and had to be punished so like a good girl gone bad I bit the bullet and not only kept the pregnancy but actually married the sperm donor to avoid bringing disastrous shame to myself and my family I watched my dreams fly out the window like an escaped parrot with an M8 he shoved up and say yes oh the nobility of it all after five years of marriage to that psychotic [ __ ] [ __ ] I became what I already was a single mother so I went back to school and tried to find a new dream after crippling myself with the dead I Shan outlib I was not a wit closer to fulfillment than I was before I married the aforementioned Bozo now don't get me wrong Lewis I love my Offspring but God [ __ ] damn it why in the Holy Name of Krispy Kreme Christ can't that product of Love Offspring acknowledge me on Mother's Day I'm not asking for flowers or presents just a cheap ass card from the dollar store would do or if you don't have a stamp a [ __ ] phone call would do I give up my future so you can have life and now you can't even call me on holidays give me an ever loving [ __ ] break how about this instead of mourning the Lost lives of aborted fetuses mourn the Lost lives and dreams of the mothers who chose to do the right thing damn it to hell that felt good please don't use my name well I [ __ ] that up oh I'll send you a card okay this is Mitch t uh I have one small uh rant tonight here is this small state and we are on the verge of a boat for what else woman's bodily autonomy the upcoming vote is on Prop 5 or article 22. it is on whether or not we add a single sentence to the state constitution what is that sentence you might ask the right to personal reproductive autonomy is Central to the Liberty protected by this Constitution and shall not be denied or infringed unless justified by a compelling State interest achieved by the least restrictive means foreign do you hear anything about late-term abortions in there the word abortion isn't even in this sentence this is simply about solidifying a right for women's reproductive rights from now on and yet we have a small group of men or however they self-identify in this foreign [Applause] State who were uncomfortable with giving women any freedom at all these people are making up ridiculous claims about this vote and it seems to be Making Waves through the public the result multiple insane claims about what this vote would mean for abortion in the state it's all [ __ ] vote Yes on article 22 or vote no and admit you hate free women the choice is simple [Applause] you see this is why I like coming to Vermont oh usually there's the the the the discussions are a little quirkier this is like God damn it I have a point to make here and folks will list it's like being in a Quaker Meeting House this is from Emily drum um I'm sending a last minute rant before my husband and I leave for your show um so she doubted it would be red and uh a lot of [ __ ] annoys me she needed to get this off her chest by the way and and this is real I may have to well okay I'm just going to read it shut up a lot of [ __ ] annoys me but nothing Takes the Cake lately like the Tom [ __ ] that is Indiana politicians and abortion rights I'm sure I'm sure you know by now that we Hoosiers a term I still don't [ __ ] get in my hometown of St Louis Hoosier means redneck giving new meaning to the garbage company here of hoosier disposal you have proudly won the race of being the first state to pass new harsher abortion restrictions after the overturn of Roe versus Wade while the judge recently blocked the abortion ban on Thursday I think we all know that isn't going to last long soon we'll be back to the restrictions practically across the board now I should mention that I myself have been fortunate enough not to have ever needed an abortion or even needed to consider it but I know friends who have and 100 support their decision why because it's none of my [ __ ] business and my husband and I have a two-year-old daughter the child we plan on having and had the means and home life to do so but if those factors had not been in place if we suddenly found ourselves in a dire financial situation or if I was an abusive relationship that was dangerous to leave you bet your ass I'd like to know it was a possible option not to mention the rare cases now where abortion is allowed such as emerge medical emergency where the mother's life may be in danger you know that that kind of situation is kind of time sensitive and maybe shouldn't need to be put through the legal ringer before you can act an emergency doctors have enough [ __ ] to deal with without having to defend their patients legal rights during a race against the clock and none of this would have been possible without the help of our brave Indiana representatives and Senators a group largely consisted of white men who likely haven't seen their own dicks since the bush need extract I've been harassed by enough old white men to know that when they work so hard to take someone else's power over themselves it's to compensate for some other small problem pathetic and don't get me started on our friend Mike Pence how can someone who's never even seen a vagina have so many opinions about Mom anyway I survived almost an entire pregnancy in a pandemic so I know how to handle stress but I was really hoping I wouldn't have to have this you have to the second time around now instead of a second chance and a possibly normal experience in Family Planning I get to have a fun conversation with my OB GYN about what constitutes a life-threatening situation during pregnancy and planning for every possible outcome before I even decide to get pregnant I can't believe this is the reality my daughter might have to grow up in almost makes me wish for a boy whenever we do have another baby although I can swear to you right now that if I do he's going to learn to fight alongside his mother for women to have every right over her own body foreign because that's what real men do I will I will say that I was born and raised in a time I went through uh High School [Music] and it was abortions were completely illegal in this country I went through a portion of my college Years um well like all of my college abortions are illegal it was like and I'll just tell you I knew women that needed them and it was like and it was like living at that time in a [ __ ] cave to have to [ __ ] figure out and to Traverse and to be able to do things and to put yourself in danger this is it is I I don't give a [ __ ] but it is it it was it is something that I will never forget during my upbringing it's phone conversations I had the phone late Into the Night and we're going to put other people through that okay good luck good luck Indiana um no there's no it's uh that's really uh I just I probably shouldn't have shared but I just think it's important I just think there's there is there was a lot of other ways to go around this and to arrive at a way in which um we could have done this and that there are a lot of a variety of solutions that are out there and we're not taking them and once again I don't know how long it's going to take because we don't do anything until the last minute I'm going to end with this because it's just it's so well written it's just such it's such a an interesting I just haven't heard this before and it comes from uh I don't think they're here but this is Michelle and she said pisses me off that we are so focused on abortion and not irresponsible ejaculation there would be no way there would be no unwanted pregnancies if people only responsibly ejaculated how [ __ ] good is that I mean you want to teach you know somebody you know an eighth grader English you you [ __ ] throw out the words responsible ejaculation okay and that kid's ears are going to perk up and all of a sudden the English language is going to mean a lot different things to that kid because that's just a spectacular way who'd have ever thought to put responsible with ejaculate it's just it's a marvelous combination it's so wonderful and if it upsets you you know what you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] you can be an irresponsible ejaculator yes yes you can and not be shunned by Society the irresponsible ejaculator is the root of the problem it certainly is so I I beg of all of you please tonight on your way home don't irresponsibly ejaculate it's been a pleasure spending time with you in Peoria thank you I look forward to coming back again [Applause]

Channel: Lewis Black

Views: 237,425

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Id: k0UlEo6aPSo

Length: 23min 3sec (1383 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 08 2022