Lewis Black | The Rant Is Due best of the Bible

how is the christian bible different from the jewish bible if you don't know the difference between these two bibles it's very simple in the christian bible they bring on a new fresh-faced kid and he's a lot happier than anybody who you see in the old testament this kid is smiling all the time he gets a whole group of people around him and they're all everybody's got dancing feet as opposed to abraham isaac jacob and moses who are like yo god it turns out finally like you has a son and that all of a sudden everything's great and he's got a direct connection not like us jews who wander the desert weeping and going where's the next water hole and god goes i'm not gonna tell you meanwhile jesus turns water into wine he gets to do magic that's the difference my book's got no magic in it for those of you who are thinking of visiting syracuse um what can i tell you it's seriously a garden paradise many people don't know because they don't read the bible as closely as i do but when when god created adam and eve he he did it in eden and eden is really located it was here in syracuse new york many people miss that because they don't really interpret the bible properly and uh if you come here you're gonna have to look hard to find out uh where eden might have been the idaho legislature who elects these people seriously who elects these people where the do they come from and besides idaho falls they i approved protection the idaho legislature approved protection for using the bible in classes but cut funding to the commission for the arts okay i i can understand that you you might want to use the bible at certain points in terms of teaching once yes you can of course you can if you teach it is literature you don't teach it is and jesus christ really existed you don't do that you don't go they built an ark you know like as ben carson said amateurs built the ark but um uh amateurs built the ark but uh professionals built the titanic okay you don't read the the book but you don't it's a great way to teach storytelling okay but that's it but there are certainly plenty of places it certainly doesn't have to be the prerogative of the legislature to tell educators what the should be in the goddamn school [Applause] in terms of what should be taught especially when you've got a group of legislature who's going to cut the commission for the arts okay look you know what makes money for people you know what they're gonna need downtown with all these high rises you're gonna need art because that's what draws people people show up to see fact after fact after fact study after study after study why do you think people come to this theater to see the pharaoh generates money this theater doesn't have a dressing room those up the street me out of a dressing room from sara santo our jackass of a governor who thinks it's okay to have a bring your bible to school day for public school students and that a prayer circle is the best way to curb violence and close an achievement gap a prayer circle no that is not the best way to curb violence if you masturbate if you have a masterpiece or violence i mean you blindfold the kids i'm not pushing this as a thing but don't tell me a prayer circle if you're going to come up with that then i'm going to get a group masturbating we'll see who doesn't end up shooting people and i'll be goddamned if my group isn't bigger than your group nobody can say you can't say that you can bring your bible to school day you can't say that not to a public school you this is for man uh i teach undergraduate psychology it may just be my imagination but i think the students are getting dumber at least once a year someone quotes shakespeare and says it's from the bible or quotes a biblical passage citing shakespeare as the author like that's not enough to drive you batshit crazy i received the following quote and citation from a current student as it says in the bible fiction is the truth inside the lie to top it off the reference was listed as the holy bible and the author as god god did not say that i was a minister i know these things it's a stephen king quote except for those who might think he's god it's a stephen king quote about as far away from the bible as you can get holy how much can one person take i just want to shake them until their brains start working again this is our future be afraid be very afraid my friend is a bible banger he says the bible tells him the earth is flat you know tell him you're gonna you know one day you're going to be walking around and you're going to push them off the earth this is from michelle she was in last she was here last night my mother evangelical refuses to accept that trump pumped a porn star she says he prays and has repented wow she also doesn't care he said two corinthians instead of second corinthians clearly proving he's not cracked up in a bible if she were your mother what could you say what would you say to enlightened her well you have two choices one my first thought would be to get on all fours and bite her ankle there's almost no words when you when you're dealing with that and the other to just say um that uh if this is what you think there's a real shot i'm gonna have to have you committed okay you've taken this religion step one step too far now it's got to stop this is from joseph who couldn't be here tonight i'll start off by saying that i'm not at your show and i'm sorry for that but due to this booming economy i don't have the money for your justifiably priced and unless you decide to send me a few free ones i would have if i knew but uh they said that it's wrong to pray for money this is his rant because if you do then money becomes your god but money like god is just a temporary construct which was created by mankind to assign the importance or value to things that are truly needed to maintain life food water and shelter from the in shelter from the elements but we also assign value to those things we just think are sparkly like diamonds or gold you can't eat either and gather any nutrition but yet yet they are items that get stockpiled along with weapons to destroy the living you never see a stockpile of really good cheesecake nope it's always those crackers in a can and that damn metallic water where do they get it from flint cheesecake is delicious but also fragile and only has a shelf life of about this long pinching two fingers together like us i think that it was the forbidden fruit talked about in the bible the apple thing no woman i ever met would risk eternal eternal damnation for a goddamn apple but i'm sure there's more than a household stabbing over the last slice of really good cheesecake and why would anyone take a yelp review from a goddamn snake the snake doesn't even have the ability to just fruit it's like that roommate you had in college that would only eat hot dogs and nachos when he was stoned and he was stoned a lot but it's all mute because we made it all up the garden the rib thing the concept of creation and innocence then we condemn that poor snake to a lifetime of villainy because we weren't brave enough to admit that life bites we probably made up god too although i would really like to think he does exist because if not then i've been talking to myself for years we made him up because we didn't understand anything it was easier to blame an unknown approaching force rather than actually trying to fix it we made him angry because we needed rules and then nicer and forgiving in order to sell the whole join our club or burn in hell forever our god is good and all others are false and watch out for snakes you really need to watch out for the sneaky snakes i don't really have a religion right now although i was raised roman catholic but like most good catholics i don't go to mass or even say about christmas or even say about christmas not really being them being the man we call jesus's birthday or jesus if he's your gardener or a zeus if he's your gardener i memorize mindless prayers that are supposed to resolve me from sins that technically are not my fault because it's how i am and if i don't work correctly then talk to the designer but i will pray for money today because i just found out that my car needs four thousand dollars worth of repairs my my life is in the process of being downsized and i a prolific author and playwright oh that's that i would have see that's why i would have sent him the tickets and for the most part an unpaid one well they what the did you're a playwright if i had money i would repair my car take care of my wife and yes i would put on plays for people to see the way i wanted them presented with all the meaning controversy subtext and even the occasional because it's a good word that you can keep hidden in the fridge so you can scream at the top of your lungs after some eat your last piece of cheesecake someone here asked uh i'll beat your show tonight and i was wondering what you thought of the ark in kentucky being supported by the state with tax incentives now apparently uh that disturbs three people here which is unbelievable uh because before when we first brought up the ark you have to realize is a museum in covington kentucky which you may want now this you may want to really go see if you're if you have a inclination toward living satire and um because what they've done is uh they have dinosaurs there correct not but none of them are nobody really knows because none of these people have been there and part of the reason it's it's cost prohibitive it's forty dollars to get an idea they i believe rebuilt the ark there right you can see the ark no they haven't them then okay well you got to support me on this i'm talking to at least 1200 people on the internet and uh yeah so they built so they've got a an arc and you have the opportunity uh especially uh my jewish friends uh you're gonna wanna see what the ark look like i mean we've imagined it when we were children but the opportunity to see it built by christians who certainly should know the plans what's interesting is they're charging 40 bucks and it was the state of kentucky uh allowed them tax incentives to build what is essentially uh is did a church build it is or did it does anyone have any cons what you canned ham apparently there's a group here called canned ham somebody from new zealand australia new zealand it's the same once you get out there you don't give a i can tell you you're just happy to see land so somebody from another country came here a christian no doubt evidently i these people don't know so somebody came from another country so now we've got two strikes against this outfit it's basically a uh it's it's it's a uh it's basically it's it it it debunks evolution right yeah so it basically is denying evolution always which is kind of a only comes from uh you know uh the people who are religious believe that you know the story of the bible's true so the ark is true and dinosaurs were with men much like of course i've said this time and again what the dinosaurs were the man or oh good well because this kid you could have taken he he said in response to dinosaurs being with men as opposed to from time to time i'll have an audience member go oh no they were with men louis they walked naked on the earth with their dinosaur pals i saw that dinosaur movie with the young child and that dinosaur oh it was so heartwarming and true um so they not only gave money to they gave a tax incentive from somebody from another country great yep that's something that really goes over well now but what's more disturbing is you don't provide tax incentives to what is essentially a religious institution okay look okay bottom line is this um you get what you get um for your church or your temple or your mosque or your you're you know baha'i whatever the you're up to i've never understood what they're up to but it just sounds like it's polynesian and fun there's going to be a there's going to be a big luau afterwards um so i'm sure so you know whatever religion you are you're you get to be tax exempt that's it and then as far as the rest of it goes shut the up [Applause] okay it's simple it's simple there's a separation of church and state that's the deal you can try to go back and discuss whatever you think our forefathers were up to you okay you don't even know the person sitting across from you's thoughts now you're going for well look at what madison thought you don't know keep your you love the constitution so much pay attention to it it's not a tough deal it's never been tough it's simple we separate them you can go there you can believe whatever the you want nobody cares it's yours but no you don't get to run around and get tax incentives because you think that dinosaurs and men were wandering around together and that the ark is real holy there's no evidence of the ark well because what why because it's not real because it's a story like all the other stories in the goddamn old testament goddamn old testament and then lewis was struck down on the show and i read the whole old testament oh boy is that exhausting it is isaiah ezekiel there's some of them just wear you out read leviticus sometime huh yeah yeah when you think oh boy i really know everything i really i bet boy this this old testament is fascinating but go ahead and read leviticus read that and who begat who and who begat me and beanie begat bobo and bobo begat peepee [Applause] that's how you know it's a story those are the people he's talking about they all knew the village son of a you

Channel: Lewis Black

Views: 347,378

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Id: 0gmaBeVZn5o

Length: 18min 44sec (1124 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 20 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/unbalancedforce]

Laughing at the insanity was fun until these damn people got power and their alternate reality became the new rules.

[u/HungryMoon]

I never kept up with his work, but every time I see something of his I'm pretty entertained.

[u/AnonymousAutonomous]

As a believer in god, F* the church corruption. F* their whole lives, because they have fucked the entire lives of others believing and making monetary cuntrebutions to fuel more F'd stuff to happen. Things that have influenced all of us left and right.. even without our realization...

If I grew up in a nice white-picketed town, where a whole town would go to church. And you'd be friendly with every single neighbor and it was nice and tightly-nit.. and I would find out that our priest shoved his old dick in my sons face at the age of 10.. are you KIDDing me (pun intended).. that person and church would burn.. Some Biblical shit would go down..