<i> KATHLEEN: All right.
Well, for the moment,</i> <i> and the man
you've all been waiting for,</i> <i> and The Rant Is Due,</i> <i> please welcome onstage,
Mr. Lewis Black.</i> [applause and cheers] [whistles and cheers] - [mumbles indistinctly] This could all go
horribly wrong at any minute. So, let's get a grip on it. I'd like to tell the folks
watching all over the country, the members of my fan club, and the others
who've signed up for this and there are
about 87 of them... And I just want them to know
and say that, you know, we didn't start on time, and look, this is me
doing television, okay? So, what the fuck
did you expect? Let's hear it
for my friend Kathleen. [cheers and applause] And what are you drinking there?
- I don't know. Actually,
they would be appalled, but I poured three
tasting flights in one... And I made up my own. I don't really care about
what it tastes like. That's not the point. I'll unscrew the bottle
and leave, okay. So, I don't... I don't know. I mean, I think they're all,
you know, red. They're all red.
I don't know. That's it.
And there's no beer in there because there's a beer wine
they make here. Yeah. I mean,
two of my favorite things. You can't... you know,
don't fuck that up. Leave them separate and alone. So, I'm having a little wine
while you work. - LEWIS: Yeah.
- Yeah. - It just irritates me
that she gets to drink and I don't,
during the show. - This is my version of heaven. I sit here and watch you work,
and I read funny things. - Yeah, and I can't drink, because then, the anger
becomes real. - My Mom's a member
of your fan club. I was appalled.
She gave you $20. She's never given me $20! "I joined Lewis's
Fuck U University". So hi to my Mom, and... - And was she able to get it?
Online? - No. - LEWIS: She just...
- She just felt bad for you. She's like,
"Well, is anybody signing up?" I go, "I don't know, Mom.
It's all new." "Well, I'll help him."
So she just gave you $20. I've never gotten a dime
from my mother. - My mother, I'm hoping,
is watching. She's 95... [cheers] And she... and the rest of you
nothing, huh? Aw, yeah, you live out here
to 140. Fuck her! But trying to talk to her today after, you know,
trying to get her online. It was brutal. It was brutal. I mean, she just, you know,
"I don't know how to do it! No, son, I don't know
how to do it." Well, just...
"I tried! I tried to do it!" No, but, you know,
just do this. Now leave it the way it is.
Just leave it there. Just leave it like that.
Just... [yelling] "It went away!" Well, that's 'cause
it's sleeping, the computer is sleeping. "Well, why does the computer
need to sleep, Lewis?" So it was long.
It was a long afternoon. So I'm hoping... I told her
to go downstairs. Both my folks are in
an assisted-living situation. Oh boy, and they... I said go down and talk to
some of the... and get one of the people
downstairs to come up for 5 minutes
to help you. [yelling] "They don't know
anything about computers!" Mom, they're all working
with computers. They're all
under the age of 40. Every one of them
knows how to... [yelling] "They don't know
shit about computers!" I said just, just because
you have an attitude. Look, separate the attitude
you have toward them as people and just use them
as a fount of information. And then, she went to sleep. - Do you think she's up now? - Oh, boy. Yeah.
This is when... - It's late on the East Coast. - This is when the sparks
start flying with my mother. My mother
can't sleep at night because she's trying to
rearrange the universe in her own image. - And you can't
wake my mother up because she's had 8 Lunesta, but I'm not supposed to
say that on TV. She's afraid the doctor
won't give her any more. - Well, this is really... to be honest, the dumbest thing
I've ever done, and I dragged her into it, and I have
a number of other folks. We are literally... there's a satellite
that we are beaming to that's 23,000 miles away, and then, it's fucking
going somehow because people are fucking
watching on a phone. It doesn't... it's beyond
my fucking comprehension. We've done these shows where
I'll just read the questions that the audience submits, and I thought,
what a nice thing to do to inevitably open it up
to the audience. And a third of the answers
every time... you know, every time
I get the things back, a third of them is, [yelling] "Why are you asking me
to write shit for you?" It's like I didn't need to
know my audience this well. KATHLEEN:
Well, they do say, Lew, your fans are a reflection
of your act. Maybe you'll want to think
about that by yourself for a moment in the corner. For as angry as you are, I don't know why they would
expect anything different. "Fuck you, you prick!" You should see
what they're writing now. They're mad now.
They're angry now. They're writing
angry little things 'cause we started late. Yeah.
- Yeah. Oh, I know. Well, I've been
through fucking... what do they expect? - They have shit to do, Lew! - [yelling] I don't have a site. Do I know
how the fuck it takes time to get that shit up
to the satellite? - Well, they're
in their pajamas. And they're comfortable, and nothing was fucking
happening, and... - [yelling] Well, we're on now! - Well, they don't know
who else to tweet about it. So you're getting
the complaints. You should've had
a complaint box. - Yeah. - Cracker Barrel does. I don't know why
you couldn't think of it. [chuckles] - Well, let's get this started.
Let's do this. - Okay.
- So, let's go. KATHLEEN:
Let's get started. Okay. First up, we have
Curt Van Bronchorst. - Hi, Curt.
Curt, where are you from? - I'm here from
Napa, California. - That's good.
So, what... - It is good.
It's a good place. Social media. Facebook, Twitter,
Instagram, and the like. Do they represent the future
of global communications, or the end of civilization
as we know it? - Both. Really.
Facebook crossed the line. When Facebook... I don't know
if you heard, but Facebook basically
recently did this thing where they decided
that they were going to do a little social experimentation, and they would send people
messages and see how they fucking react
to a happy message or a sad message
which is...and [mumbles] [yelling] No! You don't get to do that!
You don't get... just because you have
a group of people show up on that fucking site which I fucking
have never liked Facebook. They don't...they said,
"Oh, it's in our by-laws." You know, it's in that fucking
terms and agreements things. Nobody, nobody's ever read the whole fucking
terms and agreements thing. Nobody's got
that kind of energy. Nobody's got
that kind of goddamn eyesight. It's this fucking big! It's 30 pages long!
There are no pictures! I've never even been...
have you been to Pinterest? I don't even know
what the fuck it is! - No.
- I know what it is. LEWIS: What is it? - It's... well,
from what I can tell, I don't really do it.
I just look at it sometimes. [Lewis grunts] [chuckles] It's just pictures
of shit other people like. [chuckles] So like
if you said, "I [indistinct]", and you put like a steak
on there, I'm like oh, you know,
maybe I'll have a steak. I don't know, it's something
to avoid doing taxes. It's just another thing
that I can go, "Oh, this is really important." - But what's the difference
between that and Instagram and what... and Instagram is now
becoming bigger than Facebook? I'm like fucking out of the loop
with this shit, and I take shitty pictures. So, I'm fucked! But what's that? How come, how come
we can't see the other eye? What is that? Is that...don't fucking...
you fucking fuck! [laughs] [applause] Yeah, and then
the poor people... and then if you do, how do you feel
when you send something out that you really think
is important and you want people to like it,
and nobody fucking likes it? You're the only asshole
who likes it. It's like being
in high school again, on a weird fucking level. It is! It's like, oh,
I saw what you did today. Come on! - You're starting to
like Twitter a little bit. - I like Twitter,
but I'm not good. You're good at Twitter. There are people like comics
who are great at Twitter. It's great for one-liners,
140 characters. But 140 characters, I-- I--
my jokes don't start until [mumbles] tomorrow... - Well, when we first got on, I was reading this thing
because I got him drunk enough that I made him an account
and said, you're on it now... - Yes.
- You're gonna participate, and he was just answering
people's serious questions. "When are you going to
appear in Omaha?" Probably in the fall of 2015. I'm like...
you're missing it here. [chuckles] They can look
at your goddamn schedule. Now it's getting better though.
You're getting better. - Yeah. I learned
how to re-tweet. That makes it fucking easy.
You just get a Twitter thing. Somebody says, "Oh, it's fun
to be at the circus," and you just fucking
send it out again. - Well, and then, you actually
had a very valid question, I go, well,
I get all my news from here. And he goes from who,
and I said, "Well, you know, CNN, and then sometimes,
it's just people." And he goes, "Well,
how do you know it's true?" I said, "I don't,
but I don't care, I guess." Like so what if I thought
John Bon Jovi was dead? Well, he's not dead.
So it's a happy day. I don't know. Who cares? I don't care. - But [indistinct] to be
just too fucking intellectual to be fucking funny. It's social media.
It's not fucking media! This is media.
That is media, okay? But everything else
is fucking typing. Okay?
It's typing! Typing into space
is what it is. You can't call
typing into space media because you put a picture
fucking up there, that doesn't make it
a goddamn media. A newspaper is media. This is like a collection
of fucking scrapbooks and shit. Thanks a lot. Thank you. [applause and cheers] - Okay. All right.
We now have Andrew Miller. - Lewis, I come here representing all gay people
in this world... [cheers] Any gays? Any gays?
Nobody? Okay, we have some.
Okay. On behalf of all the gay people,
would you make a great gay man? - I have to say that
in many ways, I um, I um... I do...I kind of have
that gay thing going in cer-... look, I was in theater
until I was 40, okay? That is as gay a place as you could possibly be
outside of the baths. That is where
every gay person just [mumbles] went there to hide. It was the biggest closet. So I wrote plays. That's about as fruity
as it can be. I listened to more show music
than you can imagine. I can actually go through pretty
much nine major musicals tonight and do all of the lyrics. Kathleen would pick up the slack
on the<i> Sound of Music</i> . KATHLEEN:
I got that card. He doesn't like it because of
the Nazis and all that. LEWIS:
Yeah, it's upsetting. - And that's why
I can't stop watching it because I'm afraid
for those nuns. - So, I spent an inordinate
amount of time hanging out at the cologne section
of any major department store, I just wander around. I have lotions that would...
they're secret lotions. Secret lotions
which make my skin youthful and invigorated and hydrated. I have bath soaps. I can't believe
I'm fucking saying this! But I do! But I think
as far as being gay where the wheels would fall off
would be... that when it came that point, that I'd have to fuck somebody
that looked like me. [applause] - You're gonna get a lot of
lotions brought to the show now because they'll say,
"Oh, he likes bath soaps." All right. Standing right here,
we have Mr. Kevin Murphy. Fine Irish name. - Um, why do
absurdly rich people like Oprah and Bill Gates
love little small children yet hate public school teachers
so much? - Wow! Do they?
- Oh yeah! - Oprah hates
public school children? - No, public school teachers.
I'm sorry. - Public school teachers.
- Sorry. - Dummy public-school teachers.
- She hates children! Just throw that out
on the internet. Stream that.
"Oprah hates children." Not really, but we thought
we'd throw that out. - Yeah, that would be good. It's a good thing
that the 70-something people who are watching will go,
"Oh, that's fine. I always knew that." KEVIN: No, they don't like
public school teachers. - What fuck do they say about
public school teachers? I don't...well, if they do,
they're fucking idiots. That's the lifeline. My mother...my mother
was a public-school teacher. [applause] My mother was
an extraordinary teacher. She was absolutely brutal
when she taught, and she taught
where I went to school. She was a substitute teacher. So, it's fucking...
you know, imagine that. I am lucky I don't have
a permanent case of asthma. People expect
public school teachers to take some sort of
a shit salary as if they're like
Mother Theresa or that's something
you should do. "Gee, I wonder why teachers
aren't good." Well, you...you want
good teachers, [yelling] you fucking
have to pay for somebody! You don't bother people,
but you pay a CEO, "Oh, we need him,
and it's 23 million dollars." The idea of giving a teacher
a really good living wage so that when they have to
buy the fucking, you know, shit for arts and crafts
because the school isn't... tax, there's not enough
of a tax base to get it so that they can go out
and buy that, they buy the stuff,
and anyone who thinks-- and I've heard this
time and again and you're an idiot if ever
this comes out of your mouth, "Oh boy,
they get the summer off." [yelling]
The fucking summer off? They're working 10 hours a day,
12 hours a day. They're doing shit
you'd never do! They're sitting there,
fucking grading papers. The fucking papers, like not one of you
could get through one of them. The fucking 8-year-old-- "the forest nice,
good, plant." That's the kind... by the time you get
to the end of the sentence, you'll be going,
"fuck this kid." Kind of a fucking...
and you've got to teach them. [yelling] There's not a verb
near this kid's brain! And meanwhile,
there's shit on that paper that if you touch it, you could get cholera
from some of this stuff. Anyone who doesn't respect
the public-school teachers is a dick! [applause and cheers] There's a punchline for you. KATHLEEN:
Yeah! That was a good one. Okay, Kim,
I'm going to have a tough time with your last name.
You say it. - You say it like a coolchicky.
That's how you say it. - Oh? Oh, Kim Coolchicky, ladies and gentlemen,
has a question. Wow, what a great last name. - What a tremendous last name. - Coolchicky.
That's great. - That's not what it looks like,
but that's how you say it. - No, it looks like
a scrabble board with drunks. It's like if I was drunk
and tried to make a word. - So, I've been in California
a long time. I'm just wondering, do you think
you'd be less angry if you ate gluten-free? - I still don't even know
what gluten the fuck is. I've made no attempt
at any time to find out what gluten is
or why it's there, and it's in shit apparently
that I like. So, I like that shit already. If you took the shit that I like
out of the things that I like, I would fucking...
anger wouldn't even begin... no, it wouldn't
make me fucking... I would not...
gluten-free? I would be crazy. I'd be going in the house going [yelling] "Give me a gluten!
Give me a fucking gluten!" Where did it come from? All of a sudden, people are
like, "Oh boy, I really... you know, I feel better
since I don't have gluten." [yelling] Who the fuck
makes this shit up? [cheers and applause] KATHLEEN:
This is Shirley Campbell. - You have such a commonsense
approach to the world. Why haven't you run
for public office? [cheers] - [laughs]
I think we just saw why! "Wow! Did you see the guy
from our district lose it on C-SPAN today?" "I love that guy!" - I don't even like to go
to fucking meetings. I really don't.
I don't like meetings. I don't like people
who got into politics. I've worked as a kid
in political campaigns. By the time I was 15, I went,
"these fuckers are creepy." They are.
They're a creepy group of fucks. They fucking have... and during the course
of my life, they fucking have lost
any sense of what leadership is. A lot of these people
need to go to leadership camp. You fucking...
you want to speak to people, you fucking talk to people. People bitch at me
because I swear too much, but I can fucking guarantee you
a lot of my shit gets through. [applause] And they're up there
pontificating and so, and I and blah, blah, blah. It's amazing. I don't like dealing with them.
I have no platform. My only platform is to use
all of the military money in the United States
to take over Tahiti. I want that country.
I want us to own it. It's the greatest country
I've ever been in. We deserve that country! There is no reason. Let's stop this pokin' around in
the Middle East nation-building. There's a nation.
Fucking grab it! Especially if I was
like the president. You'd never see me.
It's be like "Where's Lewis?" The one thing
I'd be as a president, you'd never have to worry
about me bothering you. I'd never fucking bother you.
I'd just be gone. No, I'd just say look at
Kathleen's Twitter feed today. - Yeah. [chuckles]
This is it. "President Black is golfing
and will not be in touch." I could do it. I could make it funny, kind of.
You know? All right.
That's a good question. - That was great.
Thank you. - Thanks, Shirley.
All right. [applause] Coming up next, we have
Mr. Kevin Stern. Kevin, come on up. Kevin put on real shoes
for the event. - I did! - Well done. - Hey, Kevin. - So, in previous shows,
you've ranted about people who say that America
is the best country when they've never been
anywhere else. So, my question is,
I'd like to know of the countries
you've been to, which do you think are the best
and the worst and why. - Like my good friend Kathleen,
I love Ireland. I think Ireland is spectacular. - It is.
It's just like Hawaii. Except with alcoholics
and no fruit. LEWIS: Yeah. - Which is right up my alley.
Keep the fruit. I'm not eating
the fucking fruit anyway. - And they don't give a fuck
about health. KATHLEEN: They don't give
a fuck about anything. And that's why we felt
comfortable there. - Yeah. I do. It's one of the most
relaxed places I've ever been in my life. You fuck up, they go,
"Oh, well, who cares. Ha, ha. Here's a show anyway." - We got so lost. We were supposed to be
at this golf course and we were going to miss
the tee time and I called, and in the west of Ireland,
their accent is so thick, it literally is like a
leprechaun picked up the phone. And I can't hear well anyway, and [mimicking Irish accent]. I said,
"Well, we have a tee time and we're really late;
we're lost." And [mimicking]
"Ah, collect yourself. Get some coffee, [indistinct]. We'll see you when we see you,
[indistinct]." Click, and I go,
"I don't know. I think she said collect
ourselves and get a map." But they didn't even care. Like we just showed up
when we showed up and... - Yeah, they were thrilled
to see us. They even let us fucking... you go to like a major golf
course in the United States, it's like,
"You better be here on time; we got the tee time for you,
you fucking son of a bitch. You better show up or
we're gonna charge you double!" Well there, they actually... we went out
and it was so shitty out, we just went, "Well, we're not
going to be able to play", and they said,
"Well, come back tomorrow." And this was like a fucking,
it's like this was a golf course that you could define
as a museum. It's been there for like 250... ever since golf
was fucking invented! But I like Ireland,
I like the Netherlands. I've performed there a ton. People speak English,
and they speak nine languages. They speak
every fucking language, and they really don't,
I realized finally, after working with them
and spending time with them. They just do something
that many of our leaders do. They just look confident
and just say shit. They literally do,
and then you go, "Wow, that's extraordinary. They didn't answer my question
but I'm just so stunned that they came out
with a paragraph that was fucking brilliant, but I still don't know how to
get to the goddamn diner." - Canada.
We liked Canada. - I love Canada. [cheers] I do. I love the Canadians. They are really funny,
goddamn it. And you know what's great
about performing for them? You know what's tremendous? They watch us all the time. I go up there to perform, I don't have to worry
about an audience member being a Democrat
or a Republican, or somebody
from the Tea Party. They fucking just jump
to the fucking joke. They don't sit there going, "Well, I don't know,
what do you think?" They laugh ha, ha, ha! Yeah, so those, and Tahiti.
But Tahiti is my favorite. Tahiti is fucking
the king of the world. - What about the worst? - The worst? Pshew! Newark. Newark's pretty bad.
That's a country. Seems like a country
when I go there from New York. The worst. Oh, shoot. KATHLEEN:
Well, Afghanistan. LEWIS:
Oh, yeah. That's true. I keep forgetting
since we really didn't just go, "Hey, hey, Kathleen,
I've got a great idea. Why don't we have a golf out
with AM Afghanistan?" Afghanistan is a hellhole. I mean, an utter hellhole. Not for the people
who live there. They've lived there
for thousands of years. They kind of get it.
They like it. The other thing
with Afghanistan is, and this is a reason,
a real good reason probably why we shouldn't
have gone in there in the first place, okay? They actually don't have
any type of indoor plumbing, and so what they do is,
they build a big hole, and they bring their shit
to the hole and they burn it. KATHLEEN:
Yeah. - So, we're at a base there
and I can't... was it Bagram? I forget which base we were at. They all kind of...
and we're standing there, and when the wind comes
a certain way, you just smell shit
for like hours. One of the stories
that I was told while we were on our journey
was that the village leader who lived on the top
of the hill, they were going to give him
indoor plumbing. And then,
they went back to check after they'd installed all this,
and he'd completely wrecked it, and turned it back into
like the normal shit can where he would have to
take the shit and... Look, if people don't have
indoor plumbing, I say, [blows raspberry]
you don't fight them. There is no way you can win.
That's how come... when you don't care
about the fact that the shit smell
is in the fucking air, that's a country
you don't want to fuck with. These people are not people
to be fucked with. [applause] That was a life changer for me. The only thing
that came as close was LSD. I'm serious! Every moment that I was there, every moment
was totally unique and different
and absolutely shocking on levels
that I could never imagine. If we're going to spend our time
worrying about Benghazi, if we're going to spend our time
worrying about whether this guy Bergdahl
is a traitor or not, then you put in
all of that energy is what I believe,
into making sure that the VA hospitals work
and that everyone... [cheers and applause] And everyone, everyone
who's come back from this war, and every war
that we've been in, should get whatever it is
that we have to make their lives easier. It's ridiculous! - Hear, hear! [applause] - Good one.
- Yeah. Thank you. - All right. Coming up next,
oh, I got this one. I can say it right.
Jay Hauser, actually. - How you doing, boss?
LEWIS: Yeah. - So, my question is,
you've written over 40 plays, yet none of us could name one. Were any of them any good? - That hurt my soul. - Didn't matter. Didn't matter
if they were good or bad. Didn't matter.
Didn't matter. Didn't matter a lick. I sent them out. I don't know
if they were ever read. I think a lot of people
took the plays and went [facial gestures]
like that. Some of them were used
as Handi-Wipes. If you're thinking of
becoming a playwright, and if you are, you might
want to slit your wrists first. But this is a tip. If you want your play read,
[mumbles] the fastest way to do it
is to find a bottle, put the play in the bottle,
cork it and then throw it in either
the river or the ocean. Eventually,
someone will find it, and I guarantee whoever
fucking gets that play, they're going to read it. That's the way
you get a play read. Until 40, I wrote plays, and I did it in order to see
what it would be like to have the income
of a crack whore. And eventually though,
there is a play that actually
is published now, and was done four times
in the last two years and has gotten
some very nice reviews, and my friend Mark Linn-Baker
from<i> Perfect Strangers</i> was in it and was brilliant,
and it did quite nicely. And now, this play, which was written
initially 35 years ago... it took me 35 fucking years
of reworking this play to finally get it published. What my big hope was
that by getting it done, that I could become
a drama teacher, that that's what
I would get out of it. I could teach at a college, preferably a small southern
girls' school where they... where they'd never met
a Jewish man before, and it took 35 years
to get that done. And when I wrote it,
I wrote it as a commercial play for Broadway,
and now it's-- it's-- it'll never be on Broadway,
ever, because people consider it
too old-fashioned. That's-- that's my life
in playwrighting. Fucking play,
my most successful play, the play that I thought was
going to make me a playwright is now considered
too old-fashioned. It would have been nice
if they'd done it back then, and now it would be considered
old-fashioned. But no, I actually had it done
and I got it done in some places where old-fashioned
is still okay because people like to go
ha-ha-ha, tee-hee-hee, ha-ha-ha. But I'm thrilled that I was
lucky enough to get really... that they didn't like my plays so that I could
actually have a career. - All right. [applause] You know, you could also instead
of calling it old-fashioned, you could call them retro
and try to be cool, but... - Retro? - Yeah. Just say,
all my plays are retro and it costs a lot of money. People are like,
"Oh, dude, what's that?" And you're like, "It's retro. I can't tell you.
You just have to pay for it." - But you should make
some extra money on the side as my fucking
playwrighting agent. - Yeah. Well, I would do that.
I could sell a play. Okay. Am I right?
Is this Terry? - Yes.
- Terry Scafida? - Scafidi.
- Scafidi. - Yes. My question is,
were you a handful as a child, and how often
did your mother beat you? - She still is,
ladies and gentlemen. She still is. - I was a handful. I was colicky, and I could get out
of the little playpen that we had back then. Now they have things
probably like tire irons they wrap around the kids, made out of Play-Doh
or other shit and they can tie them up,
and it's safe. My mother would put me
in a playpen. At four months, I'm over...
fuck the playpen. I'm gone. I'm out. It's a prison.
You're not holding me prisoner. I'm not going to be captive
to your bullshit. They would wake up
in the night. My mother goes,
"I can't fucking believe this. You're 3 years old, you've gotten
under the goddamn sink, you've pulled out the shoe
polish and you're polishing" you know, my dad's black shoes,
I'm polishing them white. At the age of 3. Fucking unbelievable shit
I was doing. All of this. I was doing really great shit and I should be more today
than just a comic. But no, my mother--
I'll tell you, this will give you a sense--
my mother never beat me. She didn't have to.
She had a verbal mechanism that could make
the North Koreans proud. And I was kept in a cage
in my mind. I'm sorry you didn't
laugh harder at that. That's fucking funny! Okay? Seriously. Obviously, you all had
wonderful mothers. They were just the milk
of human fucking kindness. Well, goody for you! I mean, I think
it was great for me. She was really...
I mean, she fucking is like... she's still going at 12,000
miles an hour in that brain. She's still scared of her. - Oh, yeah, I'm petrified. I just say hello,
great, love you, gotta go, Lew totally has a lot of
problems, absolutely, and I just walk away. I know, he's not living up
to his potential, Jeannete, I agree. All right.
Coming up, we have Marissa... I could do it.
I know, right? I went to Catholic school. I think they taught me
how to read. - Calitonio.
- Calitonio! You didn't give me
a chance, Marissa. - Sorry!
- That's all right. Ray.
I got the last name, it's Ray. - Hi, Marissa.
- Hi, Lewis. Do you think you'd be funnier
if you were a woman? I love you, by the way. They asked for my number
so they have it. I'm just putting that out there. - Well, thank you. Would I be funnier
if I were a woman? If I were a woman,
I wouldn't... I wouldn't... literally, I have to say
that sometime after my first period,
I would basically... I think if I were a woman
and-- and-- and-... I've thought about this a lot. If I was 11 or 12,
and I began to have my period, I would...that would
drive me into autism. MARISSA:
Okay. - I don't think I'd be funny. I think I would be like
rubbing my head on the couch and trying to talk to the TV. I think I'd be fucked, and then the other stuff
that comes along with it, and if I had cramps like some of
the girlfriends that I've had and that whole fucking...
that premenstrual shit, fuck, I would... I would fucking...
by then I'd be in jail, okay. I would kill people.
Seriously. I would, and especially people
who ate gluten. - Ah-ha! Bam! All right.
Um, I like this one. Lewis and I golfed
at the very nice... it's a public course
down the way called the Chardonnay
Golf Course, and it says,
"Between you and Kathleen, who is more likely
to mark down a 4 when they scored a 7
on a par 3?" - Neither of us would do that.
- No. LEWIS:
Neither of us would do that because we just
take our punishment. That's part of the reason
I play. She would actually get a 4 because she is a really good
fucking golfer, and it's really irritating. It's irritating
because you just go, "Fuck, I'll never be
as good as her!" and I won't be. But what's really great is when she and I go out
to play golf and we get like two fucking guys
who come in and they got like, you know, the $3,000 bag,
and they're like, "Fuck it, I can play golf. I've spent $12,000
on these clubs. I got a club that actually
shaves my balls." And they'll now get out there and they're hitting
from like the black tees and they're like fuck,
and they hit it like 18 yards. I'm hitting from the white tees. I hit from the women's tees,
if somebody... fuck, I'd wear a dress
to hit from the women's tees. And when we were in Ireland
together, golfing, and I hit from the women's tees
on many an occasion because I did not give a...
it was so fucking hard, I just felt awful. I said,
[mumbles] where you hit, and I would cry a little
and they let me do it. But those pricks will do that, and then they'll fucking
be all over the place, and she's like bump,
bump, bump, five. Bump, bump, bump, and then you can just watch
how fucking it drives them nuts. KATHLEEN: Well, neither one
of us has the energy to cheat because when we fuck up,
we just go, "Give me an 8" and get back in the cart. Like we don't care enough.
I don't care enough to cheat. - Yeah. KATHLEEN: But the best one
was in Ireland because Lewis was having... he can play really well
on certain days, and then, other days,
he's just like a monkey with some sort of
bizarre disease that hasn't been diagnosed. Like, it would be
named after him where limbs just kind of work,
and only for the day though. So, it's not Lou Gehrig's. Like it's just
a weird phenomenon. And they said, "We're going to give you guys
a senior caddy, blah, blah, blah," and this dude hopped out
of a hut like a leprechaun, and his name was Shamus. Like everything
just added up perfectly, and he was a little
75-year-old dude and we were golfing
and Lewis really doing poorly. And he looked at me
and he goes, "Collect yourself, Lewie. I'm going to go
with Kathleen now. Take a moment." And he walked over to me
and I went like, "You just put a 65-year-old man
in timeout." You fucking
took his clubs away and left him standing
in the rough with nothing, just his coat, just his jacket
and his soul. You just stand there
and fucking think about how goddamn poorly
you're playing. I was like I've never
seen anything like it. [grunts and mumbles] I said, "Shamus,
if we walk this course" (because we were walking), "just out of curiosity,
how far is it? I want to know
how much I exercised today?" He goes, "Well, for you,
Kathleen, to walk, I feel about 7 miles. For your friend Lewie,
somewhere between 20 and 25." [applause] Okay. Wow, this is Eric McDonald. Did I say that right?
- Yes, you did. - Yeah, all right.
Where are you from? - Silicon Valley. - Oh, Silicon Valley.
- Silicon Valley. - So, you've got a good job.
- Wow! - Uh... - You don't have a good job? You're dressed like you do. Those are fancy shoes. All right. Go ahead. - So, Lewis, first of all,
thank you for what you do. My question is, who is
your favorite Republican? - Hillary Clinton. - [applause and cheers]
- [whistles] - Uh, okay. Next up,
we have Ellen Chang. - Hi. How are you?
- I'm good. Where are you from? - I'm actually from here,
from Napa. - Wow, that's good. - Oh, thank you. So, my question is,
what are your thoughts on legalizing marijuana
for medical purposes? - I think legalizing marijuana
for my purposes. I, um, I don't... I seriously don't smoke
anymore because... [applause] You can't applaud that! Oh, son of a bitch! That's not applausable. That's oh boy,
he stopped smoking marijuana because he smoked
so much fucking marijuana it didn't work anymore. You can't applaud it. It wasn't like a choice, okay. I didn't say, "Son of a bitch!
I'm going to quit this shit." It's not like
Alcoholics Anonymous where I had to walk away. I'm fucking [inhales deeply]
and [yelling] nothing! Then I smoked the new stuff and it scared
the fuck out of me. But there's some folks
I know down in Santa Cruz who've come up with pot wine,
and that, you fucking, I love that shit! That's, that's the best
of two worlds. That's really... And nobody's ever going to
commit a crime on it because you're basically
uh, no. This is fine. I don't give a shit. But Berkley
just basically said now-- did you read that-- that 2% or something
of the marijuana, you know, in the dispensaries has to be
given free to the homeless. And it's just like... no, no! You just don't... you know, if someone has
a medical condition, yes, but gee,
there are people... part of the reason
they're wandering around is because we closed
the mental institutions because it was
a really good idea. Let's just fucking
close them up and go, "Hey, good luck. Good luck. Be whoever you want to be,
ha-ha-ha." So, I just don't think
[mumbles], I don't think they thought
this fucking thing through. But I believe in
medical marijuana. I've seen it work on people. I think it's absolutely stupid
that we have something that we don't pay attention to
in terms of its properties. It's fucking unbelievable! Even if they just took a year and said, we're not
going to do it for a year, and fucking gave it
to all of the doctors who are around and said, okay, let's see
what really works and what doesn't work. You know, they're finding out
in some cases, lighting it is like stupid. Lighting it up doesn't work
as well as grinding it up and fucking drinking it
in a smoothie. And don't think
I'm not thinking about that. You know,
but there's all sorts of ways that this drug's
never been looked at. Fucking...
and you don't say that. How fucking stupid
to have something that you know
is helping people medicinally and you, "Well, you know,
people might smoke it." And what? [yelling]
So fucking what! It might what? What?
Go eat more shit? Oh boy, he had two gallons
of ice cream tonight. It's been horrifying.
It's horrifying! No. Something's gotta give! And the same thing.
Hemp. Hemp. [yelling] Hemp is fucking
you make rope out of it! People make clothing out of it! We don't fucking... we made it illegal because
it looks like marijuana! [yelling]
We're just about as dumb a group of fucks as it comes. So yeah, I think there should be
medical marijuana. [cheers and applause] - I think this is one
we should go out on. - Go where? - Go. We'll be done,
and you can have some wine. - Argh! - Yeah, exactly. Seriously. You know, everybody, because I've known him
for a very long time, and I like
"Lewis is so angry", and I'm like, "Yeah,
but you know, this, he's very passionate
about things, but in real life,
he's very normal." Really, he's like
a giant black lab dog. Where he just barks out
crazy things, and it's usually food-related. I walked, me and Ben, the guy who's in charge
of all this. We walked out of the clubhouse
with things in our hands and I hear from a parking lot,
[yelling] "Is that breakfast?" Simmer down, dude.
We got you a fucking taco. We got you a breakfast burrito. I just want to see
if you remember. "How did you and Kathleen meet?"
I know. - I was in a Hobby Lobby
store. I was looking for glue
to sniff. - So was my mother. - We met, Kathleen and I met. I was performing at
Catch a Rising Star in Chicago, Illinois. Really one of the great... a really great club
at the time, and it was one of
my first times really where I was a headliner now, and Kathleen
was the opening act. And we just immediately
had an affinity to each other's comedy,
and to the fact that there was a giant
fucking bar upstairs that was like six miles long
with ladders. They had so much liquor--
only Chicago-- they could reach to the sky. - It did.
And it went to heaven. It went to heaven. - And they had every type of...
and it was way back before it was big,
was single-malt Scotches. Every one of them.
They had just tons of them. [clapping] That's the sound of
alcoholics in need. And Kathleen and I
would sit at that bar, and over the course of the week,
we became very good friends. - And here was the kicker
though. You said, "I want that Scotch
that's way up there." And I go, "You're seriously
going to make that guy climb?" And you go,
"I'm gonna make him do it, but I'm gonna tip him...
a lot... to fucking do it." And then you said,
"I hope on the way up, he knocks
the Christmas tree over." And the bartender did it.
Remember? He got...and I said,
"It's dusty and shit. I don't think you want that.
Like it's in the ceiling." And you go, "No." That's when I knew
he was nuts, and I'm like, this guy
is cray, cray fun. He's like, "I wanna drink
the dusty shit." And the guy climbed
all the way to the top, all the way back down,
and that's when I was like, all right,
he was pretty cool; probably call him back. - Yeah, and that was
our summer vacation. - Yeah.
No! That was heaven. And you say it doesn't exist.
Well, guess what. - And the important thing,
the real link, what it is
that keeps us together is that Kathleen and I
seriously enable each other on levels you can't imagine. [applause] We'd like to thank you all
for coming out tonight. [applause and whistles] We'd like to thank all of you
watching us on TV. Or on whatever
you're watching us on. Ladies and gentlemen,
Kathleen Madigan. [applause and cheers] [whistles] [♪♪♪] - It's unbelievable!
