Gareth Reynolds: England, Weed & The Rest (Full Special)

foreign [Applause] thank you I've not done anything yet so let's temper that come on let's be real all right we'll just jump into it right that's what we uh I'm a child of immigrants anyone hear the child of immigrants yeah get her hurry no I'm just kidding raised by English people spoke the same thing which I always had to translate from my mother my my mother never really adopted American English you know she'd be like Cheerio I'd be like she's saying goodbye should be like oh I fancy a cup of CHA I'd be like she's looking for tea she'd be like tell them Tom I was like she's saying thank you she'd be like I'm quite knackered I'd be like she's tired she'd be like I'm chuffed I'd be like she's happy she'd be like oh I'm pissed I'd be like she's drunk she'd be like pop pop on your back Bob's your fanny I'd be like she's saying I actually did I don't know lay her down something's wrong get her feet up elevator fish she's foaming put a stick in her mouth God damn it mommy it was always weird to me though to watch my parents because my parents are taught like this and we talk like this and I was like that's weird how did that happen because when you think about it it was a bunch of British people that came to this country right to what I understand was unoccupied land and they came foreign not sure how that's still a little controversial to us but here it is I guess I don't know the truth is if you really think about it the only thing white people who came to this country ever discovered were trusting people but anyway gobble gobble Happy Thanksgiving we're moving on so [Applause] but we talk like less they came here and we talk like this how did that happen well I'm glad you asked I was looking it up and there is a theory that it was just a decision that they made I did one day two old dusty white dudes are hanging out one of them's just like Winthrop mad Ben jewelry for a moment he's like why yes Phillips what is it is that what I just had a thought on how we could further separate ourselves from the British if we desired to do so of course of course so we made the big move oh is that what I was thinking what if we were to just talk entirely differently talk entirely differently whatever do you mean he goes but instead of talking like this as we're all to do he's just thinking you know what if we were to just no no you know talk like this hello [ __ ] what have you done there you've got the devil's tongue Shing and he's like no that's to me it's to me he's like ah yeah foreign Americans we talk differently when did you have time to come up with something that's brilliant he's like well I just made time in my schedule ah yes you mean schedule no I mean schedule no you meet shell wow okay I wow I see what you've done there I don't hate it got anything else I have one more but it is a bit drastic and he goes come on mate you're on a roll out with it so what if we really wanted to show that we are completely independent completely different what if we were to just fix our teeth it's like no you've lost me you've lost me you pushed it there you've lost me you were doing so well what were you sharpen our tools with you've not thought this through you really and then they just went through the rest of the country you know they went down south they're like I'm tired of talking like this I was thinking maybe we could go a little more like this direct what do y'all think maybe a little more like this something like that got to the Midwest shark I'm tired of talking like this I was thinking maybe change her up a little bit like going this direction kind of hit that all nice hit that all a lot you know got to California like tired of doing it let's just go and let's what if we're just a little more like what the [ __ ] what it's egregious you know [Applause] not historically accurate but it's fun we like fun right it's fun I don't know you know you know they do think in times of Shakespeare that they didn't even sound English they think they sounded more Bostonian which ruins Shakespeare right away doesn't it all those beautiful plays and sonnets coming out through that filter no thank you just back then people like come on we're gonna go watch some Shakespeare in the pack it's like oh I don't feel sick oh my God I feel like I got punched going to see it is just like alas Paul Yorick I know this dude's so good come on kid he's dead that's his skull it's [ __ ] It's Like Romeo ramireza Romeo seriously where is this [ __ ] this balcony is freezing my nipples are so hard English people are sensitive about teeth jokes they don't like them I've learned that one my mother lives in England I was there recently we were just watching game shows hanging out out and on one of the game shows the question came on on average how many teeth is a British person missing that was on a game show yeah I was like to all your game say what you will about this country we got problems but our game shows are an Escape right you're never watching a game show it's like on average how many Oxycontin does a West Virginia you know what I mean it's like it's a distraction to distract us the options two four and seven for how many teeth does a British person missing miss you can play the at-home version two four seven how many teeth on average is a British person missing do you think four she said seven you're going with the most defensive one well my dear you'll be interested no it was actually seven she's right it was seven it's seven it's obviously seven it's obviously seven she's right come on I wouldn't be doing the joke if it wasn't seven seven seven seven teeth from their heads they're not sharks that's a lot of tea everybody okay that is a quarter of your teeth legally 70. I was like I could not believe it I was like 17th my uncle was over he's like well it's not that many if you think of that I was like that's a lot of teeth dude he goes no they pop out all the time oh there goes I'm damaging another one bites that does make a wish and that's what I realized England isn't a country it's just a pile of teeth that people figured out how to grow potatoes in together how'd you meet why is that funny she's like school's crazy why is that funny you met in England ah interesting right English people love the mass culture more than anyone I'll tell you that they're like finally nobody knows our secret probably won't release that one that will get me like I can't go see my mother I'll just be at my mother's like they're gone they're no they're not gone they're not gone how did you meet in England you were at school in England you studied abroad okay and you were there studying okay and then where Sheffield okay and then how did you you met in school what was the first what's the first date in England go to the pub yeah that's all you can do okay so what should I get more to go to the pub we've got two options let's do a shag at yours great that sounds good married yeah do you ever go back to Sheffield no of course not why would you you're not English are you you are English oh this is super awkward all of a sudden isn't it I just picked up on your accent you hear that yeah yeah man no no you [ __ ] prick [Laughter] and so that you don't go back oh don't go back though good for you made the right call Mazel muzzle I um I definitely found it strange being raised by English people in America like immigrant parents raise you with sort of weird Traditions but the more I travel the country talk to people the more I realize it wasn't that my parents were immigrants it's just parents parents just give you a bunch of fill your head with weird [ __ ] and then you become a grown-up and then you're out there like yeah we used to do this and people like what happened and they're like that's not that's like like borderline abuse like it's not a lot of it's tradition it's a tradition [Applause] this one guy I was talking to him and he was like his family didn't celebrate any holidays except for one that they celebrated twice a year and you like me are probably like what holidays twice a year well you're not gonna figure it out because then in no way is a holiday his family went big for daylight savings food out there drinks people over revelry it was an event he was a school day of like yeah all excited it's daylight saving spring ahead my favorite of the two [ __ ] is I don't even know how that works you gotta stay up till 2 A.M you're having a good time and then at two you have it again I guess I'm not sure or then it's 4 a.m and you feel like you just did blow with your family you're like what are we doing this is not it's weird Everybody I had a woman at my show she told me about how her and her sisters would always get their hair cut from their Grandma all through their youth which I thought was pretty sweet it was like a family tradition then the grandmother passed away and they were cleaning out her place and they discovered that she'd kept all that hair their childhood hair in a set of drawers she hid in the closet or as I call it the hairdresser I love that one though that's the best Iowa that's the best dying with that leave behind you just have [ __ ] you're like Grandma why she's like bye-bye bye you're like why were you doing it's like you might not figure it out so what was the head maybe I was putting in pillows you'll never know I'm gone I'm vapor but my favorite one was I was at a show and I was like anyone got any weird traditions and this guy goes I got one birthday chicken I was like sir you talk until you're done get him a microphone what did you just say in a room of people birthday chicken I was like what is birthday chicken and birthday chicken it turns out was in his family they invented like a birthday Santa the birthday chicken sort of this mythical generous foul whom he believed to be real thank you so every year on his birthday he'd get gifts from his friends and family but then he get one extra gift from the birthday chicken [Applause] I'm all right then he gets a little bit older goes through the reveal that we all went through granted his was a little different than ours there was an addition it was like there's no tooth fairy there's no Santa there's no birthday chicken he's like I'm gonna need a minute Santa I saw coming but birthday chicken who is eating all the feed we put in the living room dad oh my God [Applause] then he gets a little bit older he goes to high school gets his license goes to prom goes to college first semester freshman year at College in his dorm it's his roommate's birthday and he's like his parents live far away time to get him a birthday chicken gift I'll do it because what I failed to tell you is what they failed to tell him that they were the only people that did it see he knew it was [ __ ] he just didn't know that it was only his family's [ __ ] and that they'd invented the [ __ ] that part never got revealed so he's just handing this seeming stranger a gift with a card and this dude just opens it and he's like love birthday chicken [Applause] hahaha foreign thank you birthday chicken I love my sweater anyone have anything like that you can think of like little granted birthday chicken so it's a high bar obviously yeah what do you got my parents sent me a letter from Santa saying he wasn't going to come visit anymore what the [ __ ] amazing oh my Lord Dear Bradley I hope this letter finds you well it won't soon you're still a nice boy but I'm done with you what what did the letter say the part so your parents were like your parents your first of all I'm 90 one of your parents is a lawyer they're like legally if we get this we're in the clear we cannot so then you have the illusion that sin is real but he's just done with you specifically which is almost worse Santa and I aren't doing that anymore I've got a lead on a birthday chicken which is actually thank you [Applause] that's great it's just a lot of kids and you're not one of my favorites Santa sent me a restraining order yeah look you were being an [ __ ] to him he said no more oh man now I want to have kids just to do that that's like I'm gonna burn my rubbers to be like I'm gonna [ __ ] with this kid be like [Applause] here's mine this is my family tradition my family when I was growing up I'd go to England they would make us share bath water yeah yeah there was like I was raised to believe that was totally normal to share bath water with relatives I can't explain it you know a lot of people won't take baths because like oh gross that's your own filth right my own filth to me as a child would have been a dream a dream all right I'd look at a bath of my own filth the way a gruel-filled orphan had looked through a rich person's foggy window at a Christmas goose just like meow filth of course someday maybe imagine me I'm fair you know [Applause] it's crazy it would be like my aunts my female cousins they'd all share one bath then they'd drain it they do the great refilling and then it was man time and let me point out this is PMS pre-manscaping a much bushier era okay and it would be like nine ten dudes I'd be falling grown ass men I was a child but I didn't think it was weird it was the prison I was born into but by the time it got to me it didn't even look like bath water anymore like Ramen at that point it was just like oh [Applause] had it was the consistency of like cold sake by the time it got to me you know what I mean just had to get in I just said it's Mana Stoney this guy spacho going there seven-year-old nubile boy take a skunk Duncan come out of there covered in so many hairs of various lengths and curls that look like a Grecian man in a nude beached just like let's do this you know [ __ ] my uncle come over he'd take the hair off me give it to Grandma obviously it was for her it was pairing is caring hearing is caring corrupted as youths much earlier in England you'd see like an eight-year-old smoking be like that's crazy I'd be like got a problem copper you'd be like I'm nine so you need to pump the brakes over there first of all sex was earlier I remember I was 12 years old and my friend was like mate you still a virgin what are you doing I'm 12 years old he was like don't worry I was like I don't want it to happen okay I am a little boy all right this is not Chester these are my uncle's pubes I took a bath earlier I'm not I'm a kid bro [Applause] [Music] weed was earlier too weed yeah 12 13 was when we started smoking weed there the way we smoked weed there was different than how we smoked weed here though the way I learned to get high in England was through what they call Rising blowbacks now I know it sounds weird but it's just when your buddy sucks your dick in a hot air balloon that's all it is it says guys it's European it's like pastries for breakfast it's just it's their way the lid end in their mouth and blows through the back then you suck that in then someone picks you up by your sternum till your feet are off the ground lowering your oxygen levels and by the time your feet hit the ground again you are real High real high so imagine the first time in the states when someone wanted to smoke with me you know like you want to get baked I was like well yeah but we're gonna need to get a few more fellas over here Chad I mean we'll hurt our backs foreign [Laughter] so one of the first times I got high it's probably like first three times I got hives late at night everything's closed and we're hanging out in front of the store and uh I'm just laughing my ass off we're having a good little time you know and I'm just laughing I tap the store window nothing aggressive just give it a little tap and my friend Richard goes don't Gareth you Lima glove and I go don't call me a Lima guaf and everybody laughed but they didn't laugh when he said it they laughed when I said it and I wanted to know what was going on but I couldn't ask because I was high so I was just like yeah you don't call me a Lima glove what is it never mind but I wish I'd asked because it became like a nickname people started calling me Lima guaf yeah for years people you know I'd get into town people be like hey let me go upstairs and be like you're damn right I am that's me I'm him it'd be like you all right let me go up and be like doing good little confused still but good elima wow it's good years went on to one night I was at a party and my cousin introduces me to a guy who was there that night and he goes no no I'll remember you YOLO mcwuff I was like yeah so then I waited until I had a moment and I cornered him I had to know and I go hey why was that so funny he goes what was what funny llama golf I said why was it so funny when I said don't call me a Lima glove he said well because you hit the shop window and Richard said don't Gareth the alarm will go off [Applause] foreign I was like well that is funny now that I hear it back that's pretty good honestly that's pretty good weed too well good to catch up hope you're well Lima guap out I'll see ya thank you together how'd you meet Tinder Tinder nice how long you been together for [ __ ] hey that's pretty good yeah yeah about half the room cares she's excited anyone got a weird way who's who's uh who's a couple's got a weird way what do you got back there go ahead um you met at clown night yeah okay relax quit acting like I'm the crazy one like yeah I I said that clown Knight dumbass we met at clown night and then you have noses on a clown knife yeah yeah duh what do you think makes it clown not stupid man can you imagine walking into a clown bar I don't know if there's like I would make a U-turn so fast we need to get the [ __ ] out of here they'd be like trivia night of course run run run start that car people loved you yeah well lots of people think that and they're wrong that happens all the time people loved us we were loud [Applause] how long how long ago was that no sir I mean I'm far but I'm not like in another city a trained actor Leah's next match foreign you are a clown you're still a clown huh you got it on now you had to get the bar through it is it like a barbell for your nose is this like a Saw movie my Lord you I mean this is like feeding an animal that won't leave you alone this is like we're like all right go go go get the [ __ ] out of here I put out milk one night I'm not your daddy I don't you know I have a cat I can't have more we can't have more than one clown in this room and I'm the Clown and sir I almost want you to keep going so I can actually shout out one of my shows get that clown the [ __ ] out of here [Applause] toss the Clown [Applause] all right and let's talk about weed we'll talk about wheat a little bit more I uh I'm glad they legalize wheat I think all drugs should be legal I really do weed is a good example right they tried to scare us about legalizing weed and then uh you know they did right like leading up to the legalization of weed they're like you cannot legalize weed it'll be it's gonna be chaos the streets will be filled with snack zombies looking for things gonna be total Madness they'll be after our Twizzlers our our Snickers our our Sour Patches our peanut butter-filled pretzels our cheese balls our brittle it Rolos it's gonna be they'll be breaking Windows our 7-Elevens are gonna look like 9 11. you can't do this and then we did it and uh it was fun right pretty much went fine the only thing that's changed there's been a spike in canceling plans a lot more plan I don't know what it is about getting high with plans it's like I'll have plans I'll be excited that I have plans then it'll be the night of the plans and I'll get high and I'll be like what was I thinking I gotta cancel these plans I'm an idiot I can't go anywhere gotta lie to your best friend you know like a stone Jesse Smollett you're like there was two of them they came after me it was pretty bad I can't Mega hats the whole nine it was I could probably do coffee tomorrow before I get high that's what the doctor says once I get out I like that medical phase that felt right to me medical phase right that was awesome oh we were kids in some states not funny that's where you sick tending to be a doctor it's fun it's like marijuana LARPing pot cosplay right I just kept saying medically speaking a bunch during mine she's like why do you need the license I was like well medically speaking whoa that's a pretty good start from this guy I need it because without it medically speaking I can't uh I can't get high without it medically speaking it's it's genetic my dad had it please help me please help fix me please fix me a picture in the top hat and they were like we literally don't care I was like all right I walked out of there I was like have a good day gentlemen I'm off to get ripped [ __ ] yes [Applause] I looked for that license for a long time and then I found it like two weeks ago you validate that that is a man and a top hat that is a illegal I should point out too I'm wearing a tuxedo shirt and not like a shirt that you'd put a tie around the print of a tuxedo on a t-shirt foreign enjoyed watch Ed of getting weed in my lifetime I certainly I've been smoking weed long enough to have really seen it evolve you know like I think back to and I had to get weed in high school yeah impossible it was easier to get rare Ivory than to get a bag of pot it was a weird system you had to go hang out with a dude that was how you got it you kind of like had to earn it by hanging out with some weird dude some dude who knew a dude but you'd have to physically be in his apartment that was how you got it you know he just would have like a fish tank full of baby sharks he'd be bench pressing in his living room while he was telling you video game high scores you think you're gonna get it today he'd be like won't be today no could be days could be weeks you're like do you want to just call me when it gets here he's like that sounds crazy no I'll see you tomorrow you're like okay so when I moved to Los Angeles I still had to go meet a dude it was a little easier the timeline was a little more condensed but I still had to go meet some random dude he'd be like meet me in this parking lot at 4 30. I'd be like can do it'd be like 7 45 I'd be like you close you'd be like no I'd be like okay thank you it's been a pleasure to work with you I'm really enjoying this foreign it's just so easy to get it right like back then you'd go meet that dude you didn't know what kind of weed you were getting there were no types of weed I didn't know what kind of weed this guy was giving me there was one kind of weed the weed he gave you that was it that crazy to think of that now that should be like imagine walking into a bar and being like one alcohol please like that's what we were doing [Applause] and now I really do feel like we've almost over corrected like it's easier to get weed now than it is to get quarters for laundry foreign [Applause] it's become so serious now like you walk into the weed store they're like all right and your blood type and star sign you're like no no I just please weed sometimes you're in line behind the people who take it real seriously they get that magnifying broadhouse that has a light switch on it you know just be like oh man that's great look at those purple hairs that's awesome what county is this from loving the crystals foreign look at those crystals they're like sir that's the tip jar I'm like yeah but it's still very shiny that's awesome there's a lot of Corners in there which is good for you all could I actually grab some of those I'm doing laundry later I'm having trouble locating some quarters for myself personally as of late doesn't matter where you stand on weed everyone is taking gummies smokers non-smokers everybody's rocking gummies people love the gummies Evangelical preachers will be like marijuana is a narcotic you may not but you can have a gummy you could take a gummy I'd take a gummy before I walk the dog makes it more interesting it's in Leviticus you can you may you know it's really rocking the gummies senior citizens we got him candy that was how we we got him he's sitting right there so obvious candy senior citizens love gummies I was at a show talking about gummies 85 year old woman in my show goes I used to take gummies I was like used to she goes I'd always take a half I was like okay she goes then one day I took a hole I was like uh oh she goes uh oh it's right called 9-1-1 I was like what what did you tell them she goes I told them I took a gummy they knew what to do they knew what to do it's that common that they know what to do there's probably like a tented triage attached to most Hospitals now senior citizens sprawled out on gurneys having just og'd over gummy some exhausted doctor running around they're like give me 15 inch Shores all the soft fudge you could find it for God's sake put Mash on thank you [Applause] [Music] I'm on a break from wait I took a break from weight I've just smoked enough weed in my lifetime that I'm like good for a while you know I Love Weed I love wheat I'm the guy who before the show tonight you'd all be waiting to come inside but you'd have to wait for me because I'd be outside hitting the bowl like a crack pipe and you just be like how high do you need to be for this and I'd be like I'm not getting high for now I'm getting high for two hours from now okay like how a camel drinks a bunch of water before it goes into the desert I'm filling my weed humps there are some things I like about not smoking weed for sure like I like walking into a room and knowing why that's addictive that is addictive I'll be honest they were right about that one or like remembering where I parked my car in a parking garage that's good I like that one too every movie I ever saw I'd always walk out and be like all right this part walk around for five minutes eventually flag down the security guard get in their cart you know just be like make and models sir I'm not sure I might not have even driven here tonight this might be a Fool's errand [Applause] smoke no all right thank you the only time I would take breaks other than this last one would be when I would go see my mother in England she wouldn't score me weed she was real Square you know [Laughter] so last time I went there I took CBD with me you know a lot of people like CBD doesn't work you don't feel anything that's not true you take enough CBD you feel like you really wish you had weed you were like that'd be great way to be great my mother she saw that I I had CBD she goes gut anymore like it was a quaalude at Studio 54. I was like lady can literally buy this at the grocery store [Applause] so I gave her one right I'm not kidding you could give this CBD to a gerbil there'd be no noticeable difference my mother tripped tripped she was fried like an egg she was swung out on her couch just like oh my God I go are you okay she goes the colors are so vivid I was like this is a white room but she couldn't hear me I just looked in her eyes and all she was hearing was [Applause] same trip though right right before I'm flying back my cousin gives me a weed edible that he made for me now that is a dicey situation I want to know the potency always right my rule of Edibles is you can always take more never less right choo choo wait like a delayed Amtrak that's how I handle it but this is for a flight international travel so you got to make a decision before you go into Customs how much you want to eat because you can't have it on you in your pocket but you can't have it in you inside God's Pocket so I'm like [ __ ] it let's go big oopsie poopsie yeah it was a it was a bad call No Doubt bad call I made the wrong call I got the highest I've ever been the highest I've ever I was so high that I didn't know I was high like I crossed through the Event Horizon I was that high and I know a lot of people who even smoke weed are like what does that mean I wouldn't know what it means unless it happened to me but I got so high that I needed to figure out that I was high and there were a few red flags on the way to the moment of Revelation the first one was I was sitting on the plane and I couldn't find my phone anywhere I was checking every I tore my bag apart I was looking under my seat you know and then eventually found it in my pocket and I was just like it was like I did a magic trick on myself I was like how did I do that that was my phone yeah the second red flag was I was sitting there and I became obsessed with the idea of taking off my boxer shorts and only wearing my pants foreign it was either think about it the whole flight or do it so I had to go do it so I got up went to the plane bathroom went inside there joined a different mile high club okay now what went on in there can only be described as a slapstick silent film comedy there should have been a piano player outside like this I had like egads popping up and stuff like that around in there and they're soft knocking [ __ ] down I was like oh my God this isn't going too well you know but eventually got him off right had the boxers didn't really know what to do with them so I just sort of jammed them in my pant pocket I got a clown hanky you know hanky to some of us all right sir get that clown the [ __ ] out of here [Applause] I'm kidding he may stay [Applause] he's in a party of 30. they all get in his car all right come on guys let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go if anyone asked me what it was just gonna go got a bit of a runny nose but that wasn't it where I realized was I was sitting there okay and I'm watching a movie and as I'm watching a movie I'm like the worst part about the mask is how much it fogs up your glasses then I'm like you're not wearing glasses you don't wear glasses then I started thinking back I was like my phone the clown hanky oh my God I'm high I was so high that I've been on a lot of planes but I was so high on this flight that I was looking out the window like we're so high right now we'd already landed by the way I was like oh my God the people look like people from up here man the flight attendant came over she said something to me I couldn't understand her though all I heard was [Music] I uh I was trying to get weed in Mexico once not easy right I was searching all over eventually I bought it off a cab driver I should have known it was not good weed when I got it in a garbage bag I was like this is probably not gonna be great weed it was it was terrible right but I was like there were like seeds and stems in it I was like oh yeah those things right but so I rolled a bunch of joints I was smoking them I was smoking them in my hotel room down at the beach I was walking down the street smoking joints maybe getting a little too comfortable right and at one point I'm walking by and I see this like little discotheque and I'm like oh maybe I'll go in there you know it's like look at those lights that's pretty cool you know and then I'm like oh wait it's like a barber shop why is a barber shop have like disco lights and I'm like oh wait those aren't even disco lights those are like sirens I'm like oh wait those aren't even coming from inside they're actually a reflection I'm like oh wait Reflections means it behind you and I was like oh wait those are cops I was like oh wait I have weed and I just threw it like four feet from me and then the cops came over you know they found it they were pretty good detectives obviously they thorough and um so they coughed me put me in the back of the cop car right driving me away now the one guy his job is to just drive but the other guy his job is to just disparage the quality of the weed to my face so he's just holding the bag up and he's like man this is some bad weed I was like yeah it has not been good to me I agree it's not great it's like this is I can't believe you're going to jail for this oregano I was like yeah no it's not good I'm not proud of it it really is not worth it in any way you know he was just like what did you pay for these lawn clippings I was like sir I feel like whatever I say to you you're going to overreact because that seems to be your attitude but forty dollars he goes forty dollars I was like I knew that that was what you do then at one point they pulled over and he goes look we don't want to take you to jail and I was like well sir we finally have some common ground because you're not gonna believe this I don't want to go to jail so look at us he goes if you go to that ATM and get out 200 we'll let you go I was like that's can do so I went I got 200 out of the ATM gave gave it to him right they let me go as I was walking away he goes hey you forgot something and he threw the weed at me this is a better judicial system I just got arrested interrogated processed had my hearing posted bail got released and my [ __ ] back in 45 minutes we should be doing that honestly way better are you waving to me oh that's a thumbs up oh you gotta understand people were clapping and you're like giving me the queen wave I was like what that's a better that's better than clapping I want that more people to do that yeah that's good are you here with someone I can't really see three other people okay how do you all know each other and this is the first time you're seeing each other 10 years at this show how did this happen okay [Applause] anyone taking some gummies Over Yonder she might just be an apparition my friend from 10 years ago is here the word is part as she's passed away so did you arrange to see each other she arranged to see you how did you see the one you haven't seen in 10 years did you decide you were going to come to this together okay [Applause] so you don't know who I am you were like we'll do this right okay all right all right that's great what do you think so far are you having a good time yeah okay yeah I saw you having a good time because you waved at me so I know you're that's how I could tell you're like hello oh [Applause] all right now we're going to talk about the rest this is just uh this is a bit of a hodgepodge potpourri of other stuff so uh I'm a single man I uh lived with a female friend of mine for the past couple years it was fine obviously it's been a while since I lived with a woman there are certain things I forgot like I always consider women to be cleaner than men and I think for the most part that is true right tidier at least but I will say the bathroom is where that playing field gets real leveled that's where women come to life right like there's a lot of stuff I was just like what is going on like they're always fingerprints on the mirror which I was like as a man I've never touched the mirror I don't even know how that happened she's just in there like someday [Applause] women also get very ambitious with that bathroom trash can yeah you do you believe in that thing questions to me it's a baby trash have high expectations for this receptacle Q-tips fly empty it once a year kind of a big deal when you empty it right it's like a ceremony you're like come on we're empty and baby get your sister we're emptying baby trash out back around you know you're like baby trash had a good year find your baby trash hat huh good harvest I think right we can use the same CVS bag for another year I think right it's got that little hole in it it's not that women feel it it's that you pack it in like sand what is the long-term strategy here just like live to fight another day Brenda uh smush you work for make [Applause] I just walked in there one day it's lid wouldn't even close I was like what are you doing to Baby to your killing baby trash look like a big curb stomped I was like look at him look at him yeah I eventually had to empty it was not easy to do it's concreted in there had to put like a weightlifting Bell to have a buddy come over to spot me I'll shake it shake it shake it right it's like giving a nerd a swirly I was like drop drop drop when it finally dropped it was like a magician's pocket I couldn't believe all the stuff that was in there nail polish people magazines I was like is that a bottle of red wine what the [ __ ] are you doing in here this is a bathroom this is a bathroom foreign yeah seems like a nightmare but it is a lot of hair you ever get a haircut on your hand you can't get off yeah a haircut in your hand you can't get off right you just work on it for 10 minutes like get over there you know finally you do it then you're rubbing your fingers together 30 seconds later you're like that bastard still there won't leave women have come up with an amazing technique for when that happens to them in the shower to get rid of that hair yes you already know do you already know women ain't got time for that they're in the shower they got stuff to shave women ain't got time for that so they'll just take those finger hairs and just strewn them along the shower tile Hair by hair strand by strand one by one lock by lock started decking the halls in there it's got a festive nature to it over the months it takes on the appearance of jungle vines in some parts one day I just looked over I was like what the [ __ ] is going on over here what some of the side hairs almost look like like bad cursive it's like a dead language looks like cave paintings from a far gone culture I'm just like [ __ ] look at this [ __ ] I need the Rosetta Stone she's trying to tell me something she's communicating through hair it's like hieroglyphics foreign I eventually had to get rid of it came up with a technique I call the dick sprinkler be in the shower one day and be like all right [ __ ] it and I just fill my palm with water and be like got it got it got it got it you know those hairs are dropped down right then eventually the shower drain clogs that was the next chapter suddenly the water is at calf level whenever you're taking a shower you're not taking a shower anymore you're taking what can only be described as a shaft you know stomping around in there furiously like the grape stomping lady you're like God damn it this isn't a life I'm gonna get trench foot this is [ __ ] I had to unclog it you know she came in she's like what do you think it was I was like I don't know maybe it's just treasure troll you that lives down there think it might be that it just blinked huh said Mama right I throw it in the baby trash but there's no [ __ ] room let's talk about America uh land that I love land that I love land that I'm a little concerned about I'm not gonna lie let me start by saying this I have stopped flying I don't fly to shows anymore not because of the edible boxer short thing it's irrelevant other reasons I stopped flying because they cancel 1800 flights a day I just got sick of the gate swapping of the missing bags not being able to locate Pilots sitting on the tarmac for five hours just got sick of it and the thing that really drove me crazy is the whole time they're screwing you they are thanking you for your patience I want to thank you for your patience while you don't get to your destination we want to thank you for your patience while you don't get your bag it's like that's not how patience worked there's nothing more infuriating than being thanked for patients that you're not giving so I stopped I stopped I stopped as soon as I realized that the FAA wasn't an acronym it was just short for [ __ ] you so I quit so now I drive to all my shows I drive to all my shows and I am seeing a lot of the country a lot of it and let me tell you it ain't good not good things are not good everything is broken it's all broken elevators don't work escalators are weird stairs both bathrooms are out of order hand sanitizer dispensers are empty that one I particularly hate going up for a score to hand sanitizer because you feel like your hands dirty go up and you're like I'll take some of that and then you're just touching it nothing's coming out you're like wait so now my hand is touching all the hands of people who thought they were dirty enough to Warrant hand sanitizer and now their germs and my germs are just having a germ orgy no foreign and they're just not gonna fix [ __ ] the government is just done fixing stuff that's their plan both parties they're done fixing [ __ ] right the only thing our political parties are fixing are prices and primaries that's it and I don't actually even call [Applause] the people doing nothing who belong in the ground so I call them political funerals and I am not a member of either of our political funerals and it's very freeing because I'm able to agree with everyone's gripes right people be like Republicans or religious cults sliding into fascism I'm like yes yep yes they'll be like Democrats use their wokeness to get away with their out in the open corruption I'm like right exactly yep yes and I know people are like well no my team's good of course they do they care about you they love you just like the birthday chicken loves you he loves you his love is real his love is great and we enable it in this country we let him get away with it because we still have a lot of people walking around this country saying that this is the best country on Earth hear that all the time it's the best country on Earth America is not even the best country in America anymore okay it isn't most people are saying that America is the best country on Earth just haven't left it it's not fair that would be like an Amish man being like the best sex of my life was with my wife right here and my favorite position threw a hole in the sheet for procreation it's like you need something to compare it to can't just do that and I'll tell you people get pissed off when you talk like this they do they don't like it I've done this material at shows I've had people shout if you don't like it get the [ __ ] out it was in Napa known for its wines but why is it like that why can't I complain are we that sensitive why can't I give this country tough love it doesn't work like that with people if you have people in your life that you care about and they're [ __ ] up you give them tough love you talk to them you make it hard for them you tell them the hard truths they need to hear to get better because you love them but in this country you can't do that like let's say I had a buddy named Dan and every time we go out Dan jumps behind the bar steals a bottle of vodka pounds it whips his dick out mushes it into the bar olives and calls it a mantini extra dirty I'd probably pull him aside I'd say something to him I'd be like hey Dan that's not cool you can't do that I mean did I laugh at the mantini part sure I did I'm only human I want to stand in front of him and be like if you don't like it get the [ __ ] out d-a-n -d-a-n [Music] [Applause] I'm just saying if we're gonna live in a collapsing Empire let's at least just be honest about it because right now America is walking around like it's Blue Suede Shoes Elvis looks good is new one of a kind shakes its hips and everybody feels real nice but in reality we are late stage Vegas sitting in a stained jumpsuit passed out on a toilet full of barbiturates clinging to a half-eaten ham and peanut butter sandwich Elvis with a few Rich dicks standing around us looking thinking how can we get one more hit out of this half dead shell foreign Erica is a good comparison because they both got where they did by stealing from black people so and I know some people are like Jesus would enough with this guy right look I'm just up here working on material and while I do I thank you for your patience thank you the upside is we live in a time when we're probably going to get to watch a billionaire explode in space so that's pretty exciting right are you waving for that one miss no wave on that one okay yeah thumbs up I like to see it she's like yeah no [ __ ] them [ __ ] them yeah we might get to see a billionaire explode in space that's exciting screw fireworks that's what I want I watch every launch live I watch every launch live I want to see it live I don't want to catch the highlights later I want it live I'm making food I have drinks out I have people over it's an event it's like daylight savings I'm really I go big nothing would make me happier than watch one of those things just pop [Laughter] I want Bezos I'm being greedy [Applause] greedy space like I was like oh give me give me give me I would just love to see that thing popping that hat feather down to earth right it's watching it it's like be like whoa got here so fast same day like Prime I appreciate y'all showing up for this llama Guapo thank you very much appreciate it thank you [Applause] [Music] thank you babe [Music] foreign foreign

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 158,508

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, gareth reynolds, stand up comedy, comedian, stand-up comedy, the dollop podcast, american history, dave anthony, comedians, comedy, full stand up comedy special, full stand up comedy, full comedy special, the dollop, gareth reynolds stand up, dave anthony and gareth reynolds, gareth reynolds pandemic, gareth reynolds dave anthony, stand up special, stand up special full

Id: 9ZVgbljHtxM

Length: 58min 53sec (3533 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 14 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/shitcloud]

Gareth is the fucking man.

[u/JohnMarstonsScars]

Nor Gary, Gareth.

[u/XivSpew]

This came out a month ago?!? Did i/am i having a stroke?

[u/mere_iguana]

give him likes and subscribes. his youtube channel is pathetically unpopular, it needs help

[u/Diomedes90]

Is it for fun?!?!

[u/OrangeSundays19]

I thought the last third could have used some polish but really enjoyed it. Love me some Gary. The interaction with the audience lady was magical.