>>Russell Peters: My daughter is pretty smart. I uh-- I'm impressed by her. She's only two, and she's already speaking Spanish and English. Which is impressive, to me. I wanted her to learn Spanish, first, because, first of all, she's half Latina, and we live in California, so, you know, I want her to, at least know the language of California. [Laughter] Spanish is a very helpful language, in California, I mean, you go to a restaurant-- you want your car back, from valet-- you want to know, like, what to say, you know mean, so-- [Laughter] So, you know what I did? I told my ex-wife's family, there from Ecuador, I said, "Do me a favor. Please only speak to the baby, in Spanish." They were like, [Spanish accent] "No problem!" "Hey! Do ju want us, to teach her English, too?" [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Naaah! I got this!" The last thing I want, is my daughter being born, in America, and sounding like, an immigrant, you know? [Spanish accent] "Dad, are ju coming over?" [Laughter] [Normal voice] "No, sweetheart, no Jews are coming over." [Laughter] "Not, unless, my agent calls." [Laughter] And when you do have kids, trust me on this one, buy your children-- buy your babies-- buy them educational toys. Best thing, you could do. 'Cause they start learning, really young. I bought my daughter this toy, and you push the color, and it says the color. You push it, and it'll be like-- You push yellow, and it'll be like, ♪ Yelloooow ♪ Greeeen ♪ Bluuuue ♪ ♪ But the cool thing, in America, is all the educational toys, have a switch, from English, to Spanish. I flipped all her toys, to Spanish. Now I'm learning Spanish, too. [Laughter] Hmmmm? [Laughter continues] Who's thinking? I am. Now, when she pushes it, it goes, ♪ Amarilloooo ♪ Verdeeee ♪ Azuuuul ♪ ♪ Now, I know how to say, yellow, green, and blue, in Spanish. But only, like an opera singer. [Laughter] Let me tell you, where this backfired, on me. A few weeks ago, I was in LA. I needed some yellow paint. I went to Home Depot, and uh-- I walked in, and there was a Mexican guy working, INSIDE! [Laughter] INSIDE Home Depot! [Laughter continues] So, that's progress. [Laughter] Thank you, Mr. Obama. [Laughter continues] And uh-- I knew he was Mexican. First of all, it's LA. Secondly, his back was facing me, he was 5'4", had a giant head-- [Laughter] There's no neck! It looked like, a Rock'em Sock'em Robot, that hadn't been punched in the stomach yet. [Laughter] He turned around, his name was Juan, you know what I mean? Juan, and he had the little Mexico flag, right there. And, when I see people, and I can tell what their comfort language is, I always like to try, and greet them, in that language-- For two reasons: So, that way, first, they think I speak their bullshit, and that way, they won't try to rip me off. Secondly, you know, I just-- it-- it makes them feel comfortable, right away. And when I do say something, in your language, I try to say the best way I can, so you really believe, I speak your language. But the minute you reply, I get all fucked up, because I've run out of words. [Laughter] So, I see him, and I go, [In spanish] "¡Hola, Juan! ¿Cómo estamos, hoy?" He's like, [In spanish] "¡Hola!" [Mimicking Very Fast Spanish] [Tune of "The Mexican Hat Dance"] [Laughter] and I'm like, "Alrighty then, listen, uhm--" [Laughter] I make it look like, we need to go back to English, you know, because you're at work, and we need to keep it professional! [Laughter] So, I go, "I need some paint." He goes, [In Spanish] "Sí-- ¿Que color?" I go, "Yellow." [In Spanish] "Sí, mira." And he holds up, gray, and white, and shades of gray, and shades of white, and I'm like, "No, no, no-- Yellow." [In Spanish] "Sí, mira. Hielo." [Normal voice] "No, Juan, that's gray, and white, and shades of gray, and shades of white." [Spanish accent] "No, ju say, 'hielo.' Mira, hielo, hielo." [Normal voice] "No, that's not, "yellow yellow." That's fucking gray, and white, Juan." [In Spanish] "¡Hielo! ¡Mira, hielo!" [Spanish accent] "Ice - Ice" [Normal voice] "I don't care what your favorite song is, right now. I just--" [Laughter] "I just want yellow paint." [In Spanish] "¡Sí, mira! ¡Hielo! Ice! Ice!" I didn't know, that "yellow," meant, "ice," in Spanish! I didn't know that. That's not on the toy! [Laughter] So, I get in this big argument, with the guy. I'm like, "No, not fucking ice, Juan, yellow!" [In Spanish] "¡Sí, mira! ¡Hielo!" [Normal voice] "Stop saying, 'mira, yellow,' this is not yellow! [In Spanish] "¡Mira, hielo! Ice!" [Normal voice] "Stop saying, 'yellow ice!' I don't want yellow ice! That's disgusting, first of all--" [Laughter] "I just want yellow!" [In Spanish] "¡Mira, hielo!" [Normal voice] "Stop saying, 'mira, yellow!' YELLOW! YELLOW! [In spanish] "¡NO SE! ¡NO SE!" [Normal voice] "STOP FUCKIN-- WHAT DO YOU SAY, THEN?!" [Laughter] [In spanish] "¡NO SE!" [Laughter continues] I'm like, "Ugh!" [Low laughter] [No audio] ♪ Amarilloooooo ♪ ♪ [Laughter] Turns out, he had the same toy, at home! [Laughter] He goes, [Spanish accent] "OH! Ju mean," ♪ Yelloooooow ♪ ♪ [Laughter and Applause] ♪ ♪
