"Late-Night Bathroom Trips" | Russell Peters - Almost Famous

my girlfriend's asleep beside me I'll do whatever it takes to not disturb her and more often than not now especially after 40 like 3:30 in the morning I'll got waken up cuz I have to pee and then I'm like you know what look at her all pretty and sleepy and I don't want to I don't want to disturb her so I'm gonna risk a bladder infection and I just go back to sleep right and then about ten minutes into my sleep I start dreaming about peeing that's your body going hey [ __ ] didn't I try to tell you something a minute ago and the minute you start dreaming about ping that's when you have to get up and go do it cuz your body's like no uh-uh we're not playing this game and when I finally agree with myself that I'm gonna go to the bathroom I become the most stealth like ninja human being you've ever seen in your life I start edging towards my side of the bed and while I'm doing that I'm pushing up the blanket right behind her you know so that way it feels like I'm still there and then when I get to the edge of the bed I literally pour myself out of the bed and then I get up and then you have when you get up to go to the bathroom the line guys you have to make an announcement it doesn't have to be loud it doesn't have to disturb anybody but you have to say I just gotta pee because if you don't and she wakes up and you're not there she immediately assumes you're sleeping with somebody else so it's it's a safety thing it's an insurance policy she doesn't have to react to it she doesn't even have to move you just have to say it's gotta pee she's dreaming she's asleep she's dreaming about playing tennis she's got a pig now who made my announcement now I'm ready to go to the bathroom I know where all the squeaks are in the floor so I avoid them tiptoe the whole way and when I get to the bathroom door when you get to the bathroom door guys is very important you have to grip the handle firmly very firmly and I open it so slowly I turn the knob so slow that you could literally hear the spring inside recoiling like coil by coil Bing Bing and you're like but you're the only one that can hear it and then when you get it unlocked you have to open and swiftly have to push it up and quit you can't do it slow just think he's good Yeah right so you get up and then then I reach around on the inside and I grab the handle and then I close the door slowly and then Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing now I'm able to go to the toilet I head to the toilet now when you get to the toilet guys it's very important you have to pee to the inside of the bowl because you don't want to make it you know there's no sense you go to all the tiptoeing and the bang bang bang and then she just you just hear [Music] yeah you got a P to the side of the bowl you don't wanna break water right so yeah you P to the inside of the bowl so the the P just cascades into the water and there's no noise and then when I'm done I take the seat and the lid and I close it and then I flush because I'm trying to mute the noise as much as possible and then I stand there when I wait until the tank refills then and only then do I head back to the bedroom I don't wash my hands all right first of all I took a shower right before I went to bed second of all it's my dick it wasn't dragging through mud all day literally a minute ago it was asleep on my balls just [Applause] and just so you know ladies nine times out of ten when a guy goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night we don't even use our hands we pee like Superman jizz so then i tiptoe my way back to bed and then when I get to the mattress I put my shoulder on it first you got to put your shoulder on the bed and then I put one leg up right so I got so I got an even distribution of weight on the bed now right and then I just do this little jujitsu kind of role you know just I kind of roll my whole body and then I roll onto the bed and then I'm BAM my arm ends up right around her and she has no clue that I left and went to the bathroom and we do it that way ladies because men respect a woman's sleep now when a woman has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night she doesn't give a [ __ ] if you haven't slept in four years if she gets walking about her sleep it's everybody's problem they don't wake up and think to themselves I have to pee they wake up I got I gotta pay and then she hurls the blankets hurls the blankets off her so violently that they come right off of me and I'm freezing I'm freezing right now and this beautiful petite little woman leaps out of bed like a cat but lands like a hippopotamus just cuckoo then she goes and finds her tap shoes because she wants to make extra noise on the way they're gonna dick the dick that they're gonna make that they get addicted to get addicted sex addicted to get addicted dick typic then she gets to the bathroom door handles oh boy bang bang slips out of her hand slams door whack gets into the toilet goes goes to lift the seat it slips out of her fingers whack loudest noise in the world then she sits down to pee now ladies when you sit down to pee why can't you just sit down and pee why do you have to sit down and go and you ever heard a woman peeing in the middle of the night it's the loudest thing you'll ever hear in your life what are you cutting concrete in there [Applause] and then when she's done she goes to flush but she [ __ ] it up and does a half of flush with bouche and they gotta sit there to flush flush flush and then she goes to wash her hands and she knocks over a glass shed and then now she's done and she storms back to the bedroom storms back to the bedroom and she slams that bathroom door behind her so hard that it doesn't catch it just bounces back open and this [ __ ] left a light on in there so now there's a beam of light entering the bedroom and she's stumping her elephant ass back a boom boom boom she's 110 pounds I don't know where all his weights coming from and instead of just getting back into bed like a normal human being know for some reason she turns into [ __ ] Hulk Hogan when she's come back to bed I'm coming back to bat brother and she slams herself on the bed so hard that my entire body bounces up and then I go hey is everything okay oh my god did I wake you yeah [ __ ] you woke everybody on the northern hemisphere up [Music] [Music]

Channel: Russell Peters

Views: 5,685,248

Keywords: Stand-Up, Comic, Comedy, India, Canada, Best, Brown, Stealth, Brampton, Comedian, Toilet, Humour, Loud, Old, Restroom, Humor, Sleep, Stereotype, Toronto, New, Lilly Singh, Pee, Special, Indian, Ninja, Men, Hulk Hogan, Hilarious, Asian, Man, Very, Respect, Funny, Russell Peters, East, Woman, Almost Famous, Women, Quiet

Id: cHXfUpFQLAE

Length: 8min 26sec (506 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 15 2017