>>Russell Peters: My Lebanese friends, ever gone back to Beirut? [Audience members cheer] Let me tell you something. I've partied, all over the world, and by far, without trying to suck up to you guys, 'Cause I'm scared-- [Laughter] but out of all the places I've been to, in the world, Beirut parties, like you've never seen, before. [Audience cheers] They literally party, like there's no tomorrow! [Laughter] [Laughter and Clapping] There could, very well be, over there, you know? [Laughter] And you've never seen chain-smoking, like you-- like, you go to Beirut, you see chain-smoking! To us, chainsmokers light up a cigarette, finish, throw it on the ground, and start another one. Lebanon? Three at a time. One in this hand, one in this hand, and, like, one of those fake blue ones for safety, you know what I mean? [Laughter] And I'm like, "Dude, aren't you worried about getting cancer?" [Arabic accent] "I will never die of cancer." [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Do you have the cure?" [Laughter] [Arabic accent] "The Yehudis will kill me, well before the cancer can, I don't have to worry about that!" [Laughter] "Cancer-- AIDS-- No disease, will get me, don't worry!" [Laughter] I know what the problem is, in the Middle East. My Arab friends, listen up. Here's how to start change, over there. Here's what the first problem is. Arab men-- will never say, [Arabic accent] "No! I don't know." [Laughter] They will never say no, and they will never admit, to not knowing something. It, somehow, emasculates an Arab man, to not know something. It doesn't matter what it is-- if he doesn't know, he'll make up a story. [Laughter] And he will yell it, at you! [Laughter] Doesn't matter what you ask him, it could be something as simple as, "Hey uh, do you know how to make a cake?" [Arabic accent] "Yes, of course." [Laughter] "Everybody knows how to make cake!" [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Really? 'Cause I don't know how to make cake." [No audio] "Could you show me?" [Low laughter] [Arabic accent] "Yes." [Laughter] You know how you can tell, when an Arab guy's lying? He'll start his answer off with, [Arabic accent] "Okay." [Laughter] That's the fucking tip-off, when you know he's lying-- right then. 'Cause I'm like, "Really? I don't know how to make a cake. How do you make a cake?" [Arabic accent] "Okay." [Laughter] "First, you get cake." [Laughter] "Then, you make it, for 20 minutes." [Laughter] "Then, you have cake." [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Are you sure?" "Cause I don't think that's how you make cake." [Yelling in an Arabic accent] "THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE CAKE!" [Laughter] 'THEY HAVE BEEN MAKING CAKE, LIKE THAT, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME!" [Laughter] I'm like, "Alright, don't get crazy! I'm just asking." It's true! It doesn't matter what you ask them. If they don't know, they will make up a story It's-- and this really happened to me, last year. I was in Dubai. I was in Bloomingdale's, the department store. The American department store. So, clearly, there's a problem with the Jews and the Arabs. So, I'm in Bloomingdale's-- I'm looking to leave the store. I'm looking for an escalator, I see a security guy, standing there, I walk up, and I go, "Hi, is there an escalator in here?" [Arabic accent] "Yes." [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Uh, do you know where it is?" [Arabic accent] "Yes, of course." [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Do you think you could tell me, where it is? [Laughter] [Arabic accent] "Yes." [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Fuckin' tell me then!" [Laughter] [Arabic accent] "Okay--" [Laughter] "You go straight, then left, then right." [Low laughter] I have no reason to doubt this guy. Go straight, then left, then right. So, I go straight-- I go left-- and I go right, into a wall! [Laughter] There's another guy, working in that part of the store. I go, "Excuse me, is there an escalator, here?" He goes, [Arabic accent] "Do you see one?" [Laughter] I go, "No, I don't see one. That's why I'm asking." [Arabic accent] "Do you think, maybe, they put a wall in front of it? [Laughter] I go, "I don't know what I think, that's why I'm asking you!" [Arabic accent] "Why would you think there is an escalator, on this wall?" [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Cause some guy, that worked here, told me, there was an escalator, here. [Arabic accent] "Maybe he lied." [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Who the Hell lies, about an escalator?!" [Arabic accent] "Apparently that guy." [Laughter] I go, "Is there an escalator, in your store?!" [Arabic accent] "Of course! How else you go up and down?" [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Do you know, where it is?" [Arabic accent] "I work here! [Normal voice] "So did that guy!" [Laughter] "Can you tell me, where it is?" [Arabic accent] "Yes." [Low laughter] [Yelling in normal voice] "WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?!" [Laughter] [Arabic accent] "Okay--" [Laughter] "You have to go back--" [Low laughter] "Then go straight, then left, then right." I go, "No, no, no, no! That's how I ended up here. Those are the same directions!" [Arabic accent] Well, that's where it is." [Normal voice] "Are you sure?" [Arabic accent] "Why would I lie? [Laughter] [Normal voice] "Why would that guy lie?!" [Arabic accent] "That's his problem." [Laughter] I go, "Okay, thank you." So, I go back. I walked past the guy, that gave me the bullshit directions. Now, I'm hoping, as a man, that this guy, is going to continue the lie, for me. At least, do that, you know? When I say, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there." I'm hoping this guy's gonna be like, [Shocked Arabic accent] "What?!" "It was just there, one hour ago!" [Laughter] "They moved it?!" [Laughter] But nothing! I go, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there." This guy goes-- [Laughter] That's the problem, in the Middle East. Arab men, you need to know how to say, [Arabic accent] "No! I don't know." Do you realize how much shit could've been avoided? The Iraq War, would never have happened! [Low laughter] They knew they didn't have weapons of mass destruction! [Laughter] But when the U.S. asked them, "Do you have weapons of mass destruction?" [Arabic accent] "Yes, of course." [Laughter] [Laughter and Clapping] "Everybody has weapons of mass destruction!" [Laughter] Even the Iraqi people were like, [Arabic accent] "What are you doing?! Shut up!" [Laughter] [North American accent] "Where are they?" [Arabic accent] "Okay--" [Laughter] "Go straight, then left, then right." [Laughter] ♪ ♪
