Lawyers, whats the most ridiculous argument you've heard in court? r/AskReddit | Reddit Jar

lawyers of Reddit what's the most ridiculous argument you've heard in court traffic court speeding ticket Your Honor I didn't speed and I can prove it with logic judge a ki I lady I Drive a Prius judge lady that proves I'm responsible specifically in the realm of cars so I obviously wouldn't speed he had to pay the ticket I have a brief encounter personal injury prospect old ladies lipped and fell on an icy driveway which was not sorted or maintained so she wanted to sue for damages after hearing the story turns out the lady fell on her own driveway which she did not soul maintained she was wanting to see herself former assistant state attorney prosecutor here this defendant is called up for arraignment in the judges telling them that he's been charged with theft for stealing a roll of scratch-off tickets from a gas station the judge informs the defendant that since the value of the tickets was over $300 therefore it's a felony rather than a misdemeanor the defendant says to the judge but your honor to be fair the tickets were all losers implying it's not theft at all I was amazed at the ingenious nurse yet futility of the argument I am a lawyer the state tried to argue that probable cause exists simply because there is a police report alleging the crime from the fact that a police officer filed this report it is a reasonable inference that the crime took place as described good allegations are self-proving now well wrap up court then I guess no need to hear any more motions to dismiss ever I wonder why no other prosecutor in 240 years of jurisprudence ever thought of that before 25 year old assistant district attorney who went to the worst law school in this state law student former professor story defendant busted for possession of narcotics they were in the pocket of his leather jacket he argues the search was illegal because with his buttery smooth leather jacket there's no way the officer would have felt the drugs in his pocket during a pat-down so he shouldn't have reached in the pocket to find the drugs in the first place judge asks if the jacket is one he was currently wearing in court it was judge asks to feel this jacket and the pockets defendant hands it to the bailiff judge finds more drugs in the pocket needless to say it didn't go well for him made a left turn on a green turn arrow a city bus ran a red and t-boned me my car was a little VW Rabbit sir just scooted me and I was perfectly fine driver pulls over comes out and says the Sun was in my eyes I say I'm not hurt thanks for asking police arrived and guess what there was a literal barse load full of witnesses everyone had the same story she ran a red city paid for my car et Cie she denied wrongdoing and went to court which I had to attend along with a witness or two and the officer heard offense he had a migraine judge so I should let you off the hook because you had a bad headache and was driving into the Sun driver yes your honor I'm glad you understand she got her commercial vehicle license revoked should have just taken the points ha I'm a lawyer I should win right there anyway we were in trial and opposing counsel was objecting to a document I was trying to enter into evidence through one of their witnesses the witness had identified it as one of their business records but opposing counsel objects jury is in the courtroom so the judge has asked approach we do and opposing counsel argues the authenticity of the document I was a little surprised so my response was your honor this is their exhibit the counsel stating they submitted inauthentic documents to this court judge turns to counsel are you submitting non authentic documents opposing counsel stammers out and no and the document goes in I was a little surprised they wanted to argue their own document wasn't authentic just to keep me from getting it to the jury not a lawyer but I was in traffic court in the cab driver had got a ticket for running a red he argued that it was really difficult to see because the Sun was rising morning right where the light was he was traveling west not a lawyer but when my mom was killed by a drunk driver we were filing a wrongful death suit and the lawyer for the defense used my mom's cancer to say that she was going to die anyway so a wrongful death dispensation was not owed also a lawyer had opposing counsel try to argue that because it landlady had written on her eviction notice it has been a pleasure getting to know you Bert please leave but Hearn testified they were all full tenants that she hated that she was dishonest and nothing she said could be trusted opened the question of dishonesty wide open although landlady wasn't an angel tenants had an enormous string of fraud prize we could tell the court about as a result edit because of confusion around impeach ability doors this is UK law and relates to gateways for admissibility of bad character evidence not so much ridiculous as ghastly but a man accused of raping his own daughter saying he couldn't have done so because he had a 9-inch [ __ ] and it would have caused her damage and that the physical signs of sexual activity that she did exhibit were because she'd been screwing the family dog I don't do criminal law anymore that was enough for me edit lots of people asking what happened should probably have put that sin here originally I left the firm by the time it actually got to trial but was kept in the loop about the case by friends still there he was found guilty and went off to prison this never made it to court I asked my divorce lawyer what was the worst thing a client had asked him to argue I was expecting I want the salad spinner sort of story he had a client a professor in his 70s who was divorcing from his wife also a professor in her 70s they were both Jewish his wife had a tattoo on her arm it was a number put there by the Nazis when they put her in a concentration camp in World War two as a child husband was born in the US was not German the German government was in the process of settling a case with the survivors she had some amount of money a six-figure sum due to her the husband wanted his lawyer to argue that he should get half the settlement money lawyer told him that there was a special circle in hell for lawyers who asked for stuff like that in that he was not planning ending up there I was in the public gallery for this while studying law I was not the lawyer Leeds crown caught back in the early 90s 75 y/o foreign yes this is important man was facing a preliminary hearing at relating to charges that he had sexually touched a thirty new relative his barrister made a successful khlifa bail based upon this man being an established pillar of the immigrant community and the judge asked the old man if he had anything to say before he was bailed until the next hearing in a month he made two comments one she was wearing very very tight shorts and I should not be held responsible because no real man could resist see something like that the judge reminded his this was a preliminary hearing not a trial so he should wait until the trial to argue his case especially statements that are far from exculpatory and are better suited to mitigation - I cannot reappear in a month because I am flying back to my home country tomorrow and will not be coming back the barrister appeared to be just as surprised as the rest of us the judge ordered the defendants passport seized and he was remanded in custody until his trial I'm a lawyer the most ridiculous arguments I've seen was one I actually made one of my clients got busted cooking meth this was a very clear-cut case they actually caught him in the middle of a cook no way he was getting out of this one even worse he was cooking at home and children were there yep the DA loaded him up with felonies there was no bail and he was being held in the county jail my client knew he was ducked he had been planning to get married a few weeks after he got busted my client asks me if he can get released for 24 hours so he can still get married I tell him that I'll ask but that there's no way in ducking he'll they'll let him out first I asked the DA if they will allow it nope they laugh so I file a motion with the court now I knew the judge was a crusty old conservative Family Values kind of guy who also has a raging erection for drug crime there was no law involved but I put together an argument about the sanctity of marriage and how the state should encourage at all times and that sort of thing we have a hearing and I make the argument the DA is totally opposed and calls it ridiculous and the judge grants it the judge actually decided to allow my client out for 24 hours to get married he had to surrender at the county jail at 8 a.m. the next day and some other conditions but still he was allowed out everyone is stunned nobody can believe it the day of the wedding comes my client gets out gets married and goes back to the jail everything went exactly like how he was supposed to which is also pretty shocking not in court but a conversation in my office it doesn't matter if you were sober or not you jumped out of a third-story window with a beer bottle and threw it at a cop the jury is going to think you were drunk also I think you were drunk not a lawyer cause they don't exist I got a ticket for expired parking meter went in uncontested it the guy says the parking authority took some pictures for evidence how do you explain these the pictures included my car by license plate and the parking meter which clearly showed 13 minutes left on it I was a juror but this was a hell of a defense defendant ran through a red light and crossed against traffic in front of an officer she was over twice the limit it wasn't her fault she had a cut on her arm that her dog licked the yeast from the dog's saliva entered her bloodstream and converted her blood sugar into alcohol as with everyone else in this thread I am NOT a lawyer but did work in court had multiple mothers and separate cases claim that they couldn't be sent to prison because it breached their European Union right to a family life I can only assume they got it from something like the Daily Mail because they all used that same phrasing edit yes this was at least in the UK my uncle did malpractice defense while one year he had to defend a surgeon the patient said after his elbow surgery he couldn't play tennis anymore they went through weeks of work trying to figure out what went wrong and why all the sudden this guy couldn't play tennis because according to all the evidence the surgery went fine and he should be good then right before a recess my uncle stopped and asked sir have you ever played tennis before the guy said well no but I've always wanted to the case got dismissed wasn't the other lawyer but his client took the stand in a retail theft trial claimed he didn't steal a couple salmon fillies on purpose he was just so flustered by a phone conversation with his girlfriend that he accidentally slipped them into the pockets of his jacket in a part of the store the loss prevention officer called shoplifter Ali because it's a blind spot for the cameras and walked out without realizing it it's not like it was a candy bar or something small it was two salmon fillets I asked him have you ever done that before him no me have you ever seen anyone anywhere ever put fish like that in their pocket in your entire life him no mercifully the jury did not buy his ludicrous story and found him guilty I am a lawyer had a female inmate claims she was molested by one of the guards one of her most damning pieces of testimony was testifying to this large vertical scar he had on his chest from a heart operation she continued to say that she remembered this huge scar from when he molested her the guard got on the stand took his shirt off and he had a tan iiiii horizontal scar upon his shoulder case over he had apparently told her one time that he had surgery and she assumed that would have left his giant scar and used that to make up her story edit to clarify I was a new clock for the judge when the trial started I don't know exactly why this didn't come out in Discovery my guess plaintiff's counsel were two years out of Law School pointed to the case had only done corporate law and were from a monster Nick firm so probably didn't give it any time as for the defense either the depth of Corrections wanted to publicly humiliate be inmate people make a lot of dumb decisions based on a screw you mentality or defense counsel wanted to get that trial money Postman claims speeding fine got lost in the post the judge accepted it - I am a lawyer colleague argued that it wasn't animal cruelty to shoot a dog because the dog didn't suffer this wasn't like a euthanasia situation rather a robbery gone bad the judge entertained it for a second and then came to her senses lawyer here during an order of protection hearing the 6 feet 3 inches muscular tattoo Lydia told the judge that my five feet one inches female client deserved the black eye he gave her because she wouldn't stop running her mouth he actually expected the judge to be sympathetic or something the second he admitted to hitting her the judge cut him off and said order of protection granted next case of course I'm not a lawyer was doing my journalism degree and was just watching cases all day for an assignment one guy was up on drug charges for distribution he was selling weed his lawyer tried to argue to the judge that weed never hurt anyone and it even made it easier for police during domestic disturbance calls and that in fact the police should be using his clients to get weed to calm people down his client got something like three years in jail and five years probation as a corporate lawyer the most ridiculous argument I come across almost monthly is as follows fortune 500 company signs a garbage contract and is going to lose a lot of money due to the plain language of that contract fortune 500 company argues unconscionability specifically that said company was not sophisticated enough to read the contract and no reasonable person would ever agree to the terminal terms in dispute in some multi-billion dollar firms claiming they're incapable of reading contracts hi I have a story for this one I'm not a lawyer nor could I talk at the time during a custody battle between my grandparents and my mom and dad who were addicts the judge asks why my parents should have custody well we are his parents the judge says well you guys have substance abuse issues though we don't so you're not using anything no we're both clean when is the last time you've used a few days ago and were done now my grandparents won that day in court this story has been told to me a few times by my grandfather full start several years ago I was junior counsel in a prosecution in which the state alleged the thirty year old male aku said sexually penetrated his 13 year old foster daughter part of the state case relied on SMS messages allegedly sent by this gentleman to the complainant some of them were pretty bad I won't repeat them but there were some which amounted to sorry I thought you liked it when I did ex defense counsel conceded that if he did send those messages that it would have been very inappropriate later during closing argument defense counsel argued surely it would have been more appropriate if he wrote you have lovely breasts or I want you to have my children euhh to your 13 year old foster child while in the same house you share with your wife your right that's way better an opposing attorney the other day said I should not cross-examine whose witness at a preliminary hearing because it would only hone the witnesses testifying skills to be cross-examined at trial I laughed out loud currently studying law one of my tutors told me about a case he had while working for the state where the defendant tried to claim that being an orphan had given him severe PTSD and mental illness and he was unfit to stand trial unfortunately he was on trial for murdering his parents so it didn't really fly not a lawyer but my uncle is he had to defend a man accused of bestiality with a horse defense was that his D was too small to actually achieve climax in the horse's anus ergo he didn't actually have a six with it but I mean he was giving it enemas with washing up liquid and even had a little stool to stand on when he was ready to go at it so the defense didn't really work in his favor either did the CCTV footage my dad told me a story in which his opponent claimed that the Surgeon General's 1964 warning was never released in the New York Times he did this through use of a book and he claimed the headline was not in there and did not exist my father spent the entirety of the next night looking for the book found it bought it found the headline for which he was looking and absolutely demolished the argument the next day by showing the headline to everyone not an attorney but my grandfather told me a story about how he was into court in the early 1950s to defend himself for a traffic violation the police officer used evidence against him that he had been rampaging all around town for the past few months but the cop was such a nice guy he had been letting him go my grandfather's response was judge I'm not sure about how much rampaging I've been doing but it wasn't in your city I've been helping to rebuild Germany for the past 18 months I just got back in town on Friday my parents are both lawyers was in court with my dad when I was younger dad is throwing out objection after objection of the opposing counsel during cross-examination judges sustaining all of them several hours into this the judge is getting restless and asks the opposing counsel to hurry it up opposing counsel responds well if mr surname would stop a jetting perhaps I could get through my examination judge did not like this she lays into the guy if he would stop asking objectable questions mr surname wouldn't have to object hurry this I am NOT going to sit here all day was pretty cool to watch as a kid dude got roasted dead won that trial car accident case where the plaintiff was clearly trying to ham it up brought friends and family for backup and the stories were all inconsistent cried on the stand it was a small accident and the plaintiff wanted a lot of money for sprains the attorney said yeah there are inconsistencies and crazy stories but you don't believe the person who tells you the same thing every time that is the person pulling the wool over your eyes um no mr. people are consistent the attorney also had his client testify that no interpreters were used when they were on that there was confusion about a question regarding a prior accident when that question was never asked edit and a lawyer in family court hearing a motion for entry of a restraining order for an abusive husband husbands lawyer argues that in a marriage there is implied consent for a certain amount of abuse violence not a lawyer but I was a part of a court case with an odd defense I was an assistant manager at a record and tape store I busted a girl for shoplifting she filled out part of a form saying she wouldn't come back to the store and then made a run for it I saw her driver's licenses filled out the paperwork so the info on the paper was hers I followed her out and stood behind her car to try to stall her until the police arrived not a smart move as she floored it clipping me and running over the side of my foot she drives away but the police have her info from the paper so they go get her store prosecutes all shoplifters and I am pretty pissed that she was willing to run me over to get away anyway a lawyers defense in court was that I had framed an innocent teenager for shoplifting in hopes that I would get a monetary reward from my store when she realized what I was trying to do she ran from the scene to escape my nefarious plot needless to say this defense did not fly and she got like 25 hours community service the court didn't seem to care that she was willing to run the over recovering small business BK attorney here was in bankruptcy court on a motion of my own when a very young attorney gets up to argue his position his request was denied in pre-hearing disposition young attorney yeah Your Honor I believe your reading of the three cases you have cited is incorrect bankruptcy court judge bkj you think that do you yeah yes your honor I don't think the bankruptcy appellate panel believed these cases would be used in this fashion and I think you are miss reading the otoscope bkj okay tell me as those are BAP opinions who wrote those opinions yeah I'm not sure your honor I didn't sherek bkj in the future you may want to check those sorts of things all three cases were authored by the judge you just told didn't understand his own writing Court audience mostly attorneys collective gasp yeah blank stare bkj fasiqun Jesus son I wrote those opinions yeah oh well I still think they're wrong bkj request denied get the hell out of my courtroom it was quite possibly the most awkward type of walk of shame I've ever seen as he gathered his things and left girlfriend is a redditer posting on her behalf this is a story that my grandpa always tells so some of the details are fuzzy but this is the gist of it my grandpa was a public defender and this was a defense he used for one of his clients who was being accused of attempting to break into a car how it happened man number one is sitting in his house and he looks out the window and sees man number two next to a car parked in the street man number two is out there fiddling with a car door for like ten minutes and so man number one realizes he's trying to break into the car and calls the cops man number two runs and eventually man number three my grandpa's client is picked up nearby because he matched the description of man number two sir my grandpa's meeting with his clients and telling him what he's accused of Barn tasks wait what kind of car was it grandpa tells him client says I can prove that it wasn't me grandpa how client you said the guy was out there for 10 minutes so so I can break into that car in less than 20 seconds grandpa prove it so he finds one of whatever kind of car it was and the client proceeds to pick the lock in 12 seconds grandpa gets the judge owner and the client does it again for the judge who makes him do it one more time and then dismisses the case [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]

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Id: T4i9xW5XYjY

Length: 24min 29sec (1469 seconds)

Published: Tue May 19 2020