- Five, four, three, two, one. Hey doc, I don't think that this gas is-- - Well it was fun being a dentist. ♪ Well I want you, but I know me ♪ - Mr. Lewis, thank you for
coming in with your associates. I know this is hard to hear, but we need to make some serious decisions about your mother's health. Let's be honest, she
is getting on in years. - Oh stab. Okay, I see how it is, I see how it is. Well yo mama so old her
last name is Asaurus. (men laughing)
(mocking the doctor) - No Mr. Lewis, it wasn't an insult, I was just saying that
your mother's condition is deteriorating because
she's getting older. - Oh, see that's cold
though, that's a cold one. Okay, okay I see how it is. Hey yo, yo mama so old,
in her history class, they just wrote down was they was doing. (men laughing)
(mocking the doctor) Ching ching ching ching, ching
ching ching ching. (laughs) - Mr. Lewis, this isn't an insult contest. Not only is your mother elderly, but also her ability to walk is currently being affected by her weight. - Oh see,
(men react) okay, it just got real. - No, I'm not insulting her,
I'm trying to tell you-- - Yo mama is so fat, when she go to the movie theater, bitch sit next to everyone. (men laughing)
(mocking the doctor) - Listen to me, okay? You mother needs to manage her weight or there can be some real problems. - Okay, all right, yeah yeah, yo mama is so fat, she need a
latitude and longitude number to find her own asshole. (men laughing)
(mocking the doctor) - Look at his face, look at his face! Yeah, look at his face!
(shouting mockingly) - Give it to me! (slaps hand) It's coordinates, son, coordinates! Now who's a doctor? - I am the doctor! Mr. Lewis, I am. It is my job to make sure that your mother is getting the care that she needs. We are talking about the woman who took care of you your whole life, the least you can do is take
care of her in her old age and take this seriously! - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry that I lost my temper. - No really, doctor, I guess I was just joking around because I know her condition is really serious and I don't know, I guess humor is the only way
I can really deal with it. (sighs) I just know that
she said so many times she doesn't want anything invasive done. - Really? I was not aware of that,
that's interesting because she did not mention that to me
in our previous conversation. Course, it was difficult to hear her with my dick in her mouth. Snap, Mr. Lewis. Oh snap. Now let's talk about the procedure. (heart beating)
(machine beeping) - I'm telling you, it's
totally legal, these doctors, they'll prescribe medical
marijuana to anyone, man. - What do I tell 'em I need it for? - It doesn't matter, they
wanna give you prescription, that's how they get paid. Just make something up. - [Doctor] Hey Mr. Washington, welcome. - Hey doctor. - All right, I'm gonna
ask you a couple questions and then we're--
- AIDS. - What? - AIDS. - AIDS as in uh-- - As in I got it, need lots
of weed to get rid of it. - Okay, okay, AIDS. Um, (chuckles) wow. All right, are you sure
you're not suffering from anything else like,
you know, back pain? - Nope. - Anxiety? - Cool as a cucumber. - How about insomnia. - Sleep like a baby, with AIDS. - Okay Mr. Washington, let's just slow your
roll for a second here, if you had AIDS, then I
would have to verify it by seeing test results,
whereas if you have back pain or anxiety or anything
else that I can't test for, then I can give you this prescription for Cannabis right now. - Oh--
- Understand? - Oh, yeah I see, I get it-- - Awesome.
- Yeah, my bad. (chuckles) - Good good good, okay so-- - Leprosy. - No, nope because if you had leprosy, I'd have to quarantine you. - Ouch--
- What do, no. - Woo--
- Okay, I see your finger's falling off. That's--
- Ouch. - No, don't do that though,
that's not gonna work. - Scurvy.
- Nope. - Rickets. - What, no. - Consumption.
- No, Mr. Washington, something from this century. - Schizophrenia. You don't have schizophrenia. Yes you do--
- Keep it simple, please! What the hell is that? I don't know what that is. - That's a fishhook in my lip. - Just pick something off this list. - I can't reach it. - Why not? - Paralyzed. (hand claps face) - Does your face hurt, Mr. Washington? - Yeah.
- Then this should help. (heart beating)
(machinery beeping) - [Woman] Hi, you must be Liam. - Hey buddy, how are you feeling today? - I'm feeling fine, Dr. Gupta, just fine. - This is Marion Glass and she's from the Make a Wish Foundation. - Marion Glass. - How are you feeling today, Liam? - I'm fine, Marion glass. - Good, well I have some news that might make you feel
a little better, hm? We, at the Make a Wish Foundation, make dreams come true for
little boys and little girls who are very sick, just like you. - There are no children
like me, Marion Glass. - Oh no no, of course not. - Oh, of course not, you're one of a kind, but we're gonna make any dream come true that you could ever have, okay? - Anything? - That's right, buddy, that's right. Would you like to play with your old favorite basketball team? - Oh! - What about being Superman for a day? - I wish to drown a man. (eerie, quiet music) - What? - To drown a man in the bathtub, to hold him down while the
last breath escapes his body and then bath in that water, all the while singing, ♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪ - Liam! - You said, "Anything." - (stuttering) (clears throat) Surely we don't want to hurt other people now, do we kiddo? (laughs) Anything else, fly in a hot air
balloon or meet a celebrity? - My new wish is to lean
over the body of a dying man and put my lips on his,
stealing his last breath. (inhaling slowing)
- Liam! - No one will get hurt. - No, absolutely not. I don't even know where your-- - I wish to take all the
prosthetic legs in the hospital and bind them together with
the dried flesh of the dead into a webbed, massive creature-- - Liam! I am so sorry, Miss Glass. - It's all right, he doesn't
know what he's saying. - I wish to pee in your mouth. - What?! - Both of you. - Mine? - Especially you. - Oh. - I wish to pee in both of your
mouths, as I stand over you. I'll need a glass of water in 10 minutes. - Enough, you little (profanity beeped) - Dr. Gupta! - No! You are reprehensible. You are evil. You are a devil child! (ominous, dark music)
(Liam whimpers) - Dr. Gupta, he's not a devil
child, he's just a child! You have no business
working in a pediatric ward! - What?
- I'm gonna report you! (door slams) (creepy, twinkling music) ♪ Shame on you, Gupta ♪ ♪ Shame on you, Gupta ♪ - You really upset Marion Glass. - This is insane. (gasps) You have made
me question everything that I've ever believed about the essential goodness of children. - Wish granted. (flat line beeping) - Oh, Liam. (flat line beeping)
(eerie music) (dramatic music) (Liam laughs maniacally) - I am dying, though. (flat line beeping)
(ominous music) (heart beating)
(machine beeping) (machinery beeping) (Quentin groans)
- Hi Quentin. - Oh doctor-- - I just wanted to report that the surgery went off without a hitch and that your heart transplant
was a complete success. - Oh, I'm so happy to be alive. (crying) - I bet, I bet, well thankfully the
Affordable Healthcare Act allowed you to be insured
and put on a donor list, even with your preexisting condition. - I am truly, truly thankful. - This is an instance of
Obamacare literally saving a life. - Obamacare! Oh no you don't, you are
not putting big government into my body! (growling) (grunting)
(flesh squishing) (Quentin grumbling) (Quentin laughing) (flat line beeping)
(dramatic music) - Um, could you go get me some ice, we should probably save this. (dramatic music) (heart beating)
(machine beeping) (intercom chattering) (woman exhales)
(machines beeping) - Todd? - Yes, I'm here. - Promise you'll never forget about me. - Yes. (crying) Of course. - Promise me you'll take
care of our little girl, love her. - Yes. (crying) With all my heart. - Promise me you'll stay strong for her. - (crying) Yes, yes I promise. - And promise me you'll never
sleep with another woman. (clicking tongue) - I hear you. - Promise me you'll take
care of Mr. Big Fluffy Tail? - Yes. Yes, yes yes, that cat will be (crying) the most loved cat in the world. - And that you won't look at porn. (Todd grumbles) (Todd chokes on his answer) Huh? (Todd speaking gibberish) Is that yes? - Chicky chicky chicky chicky, chickity chickity chickity check. - No pornography. - Buster Brown says what? - Is that a yes? - Yo, better believe (speaking gibberish) - You love me, right? - Yes, I love you, yes. - And we're soulmates, right? - Yes. - So you will never ever, ever,
ever think of someone else while masturbating, right? - (speaking robotically) Message received. - I don't understand, is that a yes? - Yo comprende. - Is that a promise? - Your request has been filed. - Say you promise. (Todd muttering) - Forget about, huh huh? - I need to hear you say it. - It.
- No, say I promise. - You promise. - You, you promise. Say it. - Okay, I promise. - No air quotes. ♪ Promises are things that lovers have ♪ - Say it, say it! - I promise, I promise. - What are you promising? - (muttering) I promise what you said. - (sighs) Oh fine, forget it. - Yes! I mean, okay. - Will you at least promise
to go see my mom every day? - So zero pornography, done. I like that. Nurse! Fix my wife! (Todd sobbing) Don't touch me right
now, I just (muttering) it's not all about you.
