Julian McCullough - Once Abducted, Twice Shy - This Is Not Happening

I don't know if you remember growing up in the 80s but they only told you two things one you're gonna get AIDS and two you're definitely getting [ __ ] kidnapped I'm y'all with junior honestly the word prodigy loses all meaning after a while I got grandma's [Applause] [Music] this episode is all about lies I spent my childhood in San Francisco we moved to a neighborhood that was not you know the Danny Tanner so was kind of scary but you know it's fine I it was it was kind of such a bad neighborhood that my parents lied about where we lived to the school board or whoever I don't know but who do you lied to about this too because if I had gone to the school in the neighborhood that we lived in I wouldn't have made it home on the first day so they lied about where I lived so I could go to a like a nice one and the nice one was in the Castro district which was across town the Castro district is the gayest part of the gayest city in the world so as a kid you're just like oh this neighborhoods just like what all the TV shows about for kids looks like it's like it's really colorful for no reason and everybody's always smiling and laughing and breaking into song on the sidewalk so I didn't think there was anything weird about it but I used to like I said I didn't start in that neighborhood in the morning I had to come from a block away from the Army Street projects to get there so and they couldn't tell the school to help me cuz then whoops so the jig was up so I had to ride the city bus from like 7 years old through elementary school by myself I mean they gave me a bus pass but I had to do it by myself and ride a bus across town to my school and on the way home after school it was very important that I took the same bus every day after school because I was unaccompanied I was a minor and my parents were like we have to act like there's some kind of law or like rule in our so get the same bus at the same time every time and get home I was like okay but you know what I was like seven and I was like I'm gonna explore this gay neighborhood so one day I decide cuz oh by the way there were two hours where I was unaccounted for in like totally because my parents were still at work and I was out of school already I was a latchkey kid I don't know if you guys know what latchkey kids are the latchkey kid is when your parents they give you a key to the house on a shoestring and they put it over your head like you're the lion getting courage in the Wizard of Oz but really you're not courageous you're just a poor family and your parents can't afford a sitter or to not work so anyway I knew I had a little bit of wiggle room and I just started exploring the neighborhood after school I wouldn't take the same the right bus you know so one day I get distracted there's a store in the Castro I don't know if it's still there it was called headliners right and headliners was basically Spencer Gifts do you guys know Spencer Gifts okay it was Spencer Gifts but just gay so if you were seven the translation is it was the funniest place you've ever been in your entire life so I walk in there and the time flies by cuz I'm like there's like rubber dicks or I'm just like boy I learned more about sex from birthday cards in that store that I did for the rest so um I was shoplifting obviously cuz you're seven and you're like I'm pretty sure they don't put you away I stole a pan I remember to this day it was a pin on my I put it on my denim jacket it was in 1989 I was awesome and it said I was raised by a pack of wild corn dogs I mean come on I've been doing comedy for 15 years I've never written something that funny so point is by the time I walk out the store it's dark and I was like oh [ __ ] great or like if you want to air this Oh No but I was 7 and in real life I was like oh [ __ ] so so it's dark and uh daytime in a gay neighborhood is like Sesame Street nighttime is like I'm not old enough for this so I get real nervous I'm really scared you know what I mean all the it's the outfits were different and I don't know how a bus schedule works um 7 I think it's dark now there's no more buses aren't a thing for something I don't know I'm 7 so I just start walking and I'm really scared I look scared and I'm lost and a dude comes up to me and he's like hey little boy are you lost and I don't know if you remember growing up in the 80s but they only told you two things one you're going to get AIDS and two you're definitely getting [ __ ] kidnapped so I was like oh no it's cool I live right here and just ran into a gay bar I get away looking back on it the guy was fine he was literally he saw a seven-year-old out at night in a que neighborhood was like probably not on purpose this but I run I finally run out of the bar I'm like I lost him then I just run home I'm seven I run a mile and a half across San Francisco I get home and I know I'm in trouble it's dark it's like 7:00 now I'm so seelman like three so I get hit and I go I I did that thing that comics do where we take kind of the truth and then just lie about it so I go in and I know my parents are pissed at my dad's like what the [ __ ] you know I won't get into it but it was I was in trouble so before they could even get too mad at me I go I'm late because a guy tried to kidnap me and I ran and hid in a store and then I fell asleep and then down home and I thought they were gonna be like that's our kid you know I mean like good job you didn't get kidnapped who wants ice cream for dinner that is not what happened first of all they're like where'd you get that pin that's hilarious [Applause] [Laughter] so I got a I got oh right so I'm like my you know I didn't get kidnapped or whatever like yay let's all chant my name and instead my dad says something I never saw coming he goes let's go find him I'm a dad now I have a four year old so I get it like I'd be like let's go [ __ ] and find him right but when I was seven when you're seven you don't know you know that they like you well in the eighth now parents are like it's like horrible they're like do the boost to their kids that was not what it was like when I grew up when I grew up there like you're the reason we're not doing better you know if you didn't ironically if you didn't exist we'd be living in the Castro so I'm like oh I wasn't ready for my dad to call my bluff like that he makes me get in the car we leave a parking spot at 9:00 p.m. in San Francisco I don't know if you know what that means but even as a seven year old I was like this dude's [ __ ] serious right now cuz we're never parking this car again tonight we go all the way back to the Castro he goes where did this happen I got that bar he goes he said it was a store he goes uh he goes all right what do you look like I don't know uh and this is true though the guy that tried to help me I described him right so I go except for the part where he was helpful I go he had short jean shorts like construction boots a tank top and a mustache and my dad goes all right cool and we walk in the bar and he looks up and he was like [ __ ] it let's go home if you're wondering if you're young and you don't know everybody's clapping in the 80s that's every that was the uniform if you are young that would be the equivalent of my dad taking me to her look for somebody like a trump rally and he was like what'd he look like and I was like uninformed you're mad so anyway we go home and it's I think it's forgotten about now the real stories I did get kidnapped yeah cut to a year later okay great okay cut to a year later I'm playing in the playground in this neighborhood that you know oh that was the other thing they just let you go out of the house back then like I was I would just play have you ever seen a child by itself in LA in the last five years never right never if you did you pull the car over and be like get in no they used to let you just like figure it out when you were seven so this is San Francisco bad neighborhood but there's a playground four blocks from my house four blocks and they used to just let me go play at that playground so anyway one day I'm hanging out my friend Brian and you know he he was cool but he was kind of he was troubled you know a little bit he was he had a single mom which is fine but he was kind of a dick anyway and mad about it and I had two parents but he had Nintendo so we were like equals that way never liked equals so one day we're walking around the neighborhood and he starts picking on a kid he was a kind of a bully and he starts picking on this kid and he rips his t-shirt throws it in the in the street for no reason and I was hanging back I'm like I don't want to join this but I'm not gonna stand up to my friend he has Nintendo and uh and then we split up he goes home I got a little playground right about an hour later I'm playing by myself I'm like digging in the sand or whatever there's kids around me my age there's parents around you know or they were just adults watching us who news of the eighties so all of a sudden a brown arm and real sweaty to like a brown sweaty arm and I don't mean to be like racial or whatever but I was eight years old at this point and you remember details when you're being stolen so this brown sweaty arm grabs me like this and covers my mouth and pulls me out of the sand like this and I'm kicking my legs he drags me he carries me out to the sidewalk and throws me into the back of a brown windowless van no exaggeration and even back then I was like brown windowless van like [ __ ] hack Crozier and slams the door nobody at the playground did anything the kids didn't care the parents didn't do anything so now I'm hit the back of this van it's gets it's pitch black it was just bright outside he throws me in here in slams the door and I remember thinking I was calm I was so calm because when you're a kid back then remember I said they they basically told you like you're you're gonna get kidnapped like try not to but like good luck out there and so I'm like oh I guess it's my turn and they never tell you in school when you're that age what happens to you after you get kidnapped so I used to just make it up and I thought if you got kidnapped was just because another family wanted you more you know what I mean like oh you're just gonna live in that family now and it's fine so I'm like kind of calm about it I'm like I guess this is what happens he gets in the in the Pat in the front seat turns around he starts yelling in Spanish at me and I'm like well this sucks like I get kidnapped in a family I don't even speak the goddamn language they better have [ __ ] Nintendo so then all of a sudden the kid a kid pops his head around the passenger side door right and I another kid in the he's sitting in the front I'm like what the [ __ ] was I supposed to call Shotgun I recognise the kid it was the kid that Brian had picked on before so that kid had gone home his t-shirt was was ripped kids poor he's in my neighborhood he tells his dad his dad goes wiser tee shirt ripped he says oh these two kids picked on me and whatever so his dad went let's go [ __ ] find him which is what dads do that's what dads do some of them say let's build a wall but they're [ __ ] so so this guy this guy's like we're his sons like this isn't the kid that did it like he was like he didn't really do it as his friend so now his dad's like where's the other kid where's the other kick boys like don't I saw a leather kid I don't know I don't know where they here's the crazy part I'm a [ __ ] coward like 100 percent like after this show if you come up to me afterwards you're like what were you saying I'd be like nothing I love Trump apparently as an 8 year old I was a [ __ ] badass cuz I didn't give up I knew exactly we were like three blocks from his house and I was like I don't know I don't know who you're talking about I don't know what you're talking about what and finally after driving around and yelling at me he realized I'm not gonna crack right so he just drops me in front of my house I he goes where do you live I go right here I'm that dumb I go oh I don't want to walk home alone in the dark you know it means somebody might kidnap me so so I walk in the house and I'm late obviously and my parents are like we told you to be home at 4 where the [ __ ] were you and I'd already gotten busted right so I was like my bad [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 2,134,106

Keywords: Julian McCullough, This Is Not Happening, Julian McCullough comedian, Julian McCullough stand up, comedy central, this isn't happening, roy wood jr, storytelling, San Francisco, bad neighborhood, school, parents, Castro, The Castro, Castro district, bus, city bus, latchkey kid, sex shop, lost, lying, kidnapping, kidnapped, playground, after school, gay bar, 80s, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians, funny stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up comedians

Id: Ic5orpXZwmM

Length: 17min 8sec (1028 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 07 2019