Josh Johnson Is Not An Alpha Male | CONAN on TBS

cool I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me or just my general demeanor but I am NOT an alpha male I'm not an alpha I'm not even a beta I'm like three before Omega like I've been called a little punk to my face before I'd be like well that's your opinion that's in fact I know I'm lucky to be a millennial cuz I've been born even tinker's earlier I wouldn't have lived this long I know that cuz I was in Louisiana for ten minutes before I let a possum climb me alright it was just coming right at man by the time I rose was like a little squirrel that wanted to play or something was hanging off my belt I don't know who the possum the face and person before but its face is an actual demon it's most horrifying thing you can have hanging off your crotch and I'm trying to hump it off as hard as I can just bend my knees it didn't because I want to touch everybody knows you touch a positive get bit by possible you become a possum that's just science so I'm trying to hump it off but it climbs onto my shoulder in church my ear and not the cute Pocahontas like he was like and then my friend slap off my shoulder and saved my life have you ever had your life saved when the stakes were incredibly low I'll tell you guys this cuz we're family I don't know if I believe in evolution anymore when I mean by that is I believe in evolution up until this point but I think we're done you know cuz you evolved from necessity we've like run out of necessity even if Apple never comes out another update we're like Phi I don't know how to grow food and that's been fine the whole time in fact ever I go the food was nice enough to kill itself before I got there be seasoned and not have a face so if we're going to evolve from this point on like as and I mean as a species not just our stuff this is cool stuff it's the best stuff in the history of stuff but we're going to evolve as humans then it's really up to women to keep humanity honest cuz we're the only species where the females mate with the weak we're the only one if a deer slipping into the woods all the dough's aren't like but I love him they let that die they let it die every time there's no four leg broken bailing you guys want to play cuz usually I do it alone that's only humans humans the only ones are like oh my guys gonna art school he's trying no let it go that's how you get me do you want more me you want more guys we gotta go see Green Lantern I heard good thing it's like no one needs that and I'm not trashing a man in here I had to return a jar of pickles at Trader Joe's I couldn't open it so I know I know I'm not high on the list to make new people it's just what has to happen - sometimes I get on Facebook as I don't care about being happy does it bother anybody else that there's no bottom there's no bottom you can scroll until you die there's no bottom [Applause] and you're never done you never finish Facebook you're just like you're either gets so mad that you get off or you realize you're late those are the only two ways to get on and but I've noticed this disturbing trend it's really upsetting me where people online on Facebook are being called racist now but for like actually nothing like I'll read the whole thread cuz I'm petty so I'll read the post and then get to the bottom and be like I don't think that's a thing you know and I've noticed there's a lot of like white people calling other white people races and I'll just tell you as a black dude they grew up in the south I don't think you're racist until you go to your second Klan meeting all right hear me out because maybe the first one maybe your friend Dale's invite you a barbecue everybody loves barbecue alright you get there there's a delicious barbecue there's dry rib they're sloppy it's all happening you see somebody putting on white hood you're like I know it's a costume barbecue that's a little odd but you keep eating okay and there's corn on the cob there's yams mashed potatoes it's all happening then there's a burning cross improving you're like I'm already here I say this because I have my friend Jordan he accidentally went to a Klan rally and he didn't know what to do he was like I ate all the food I can't miss the meeting turns out Klan rides don't just start they ease you in with a barbecue and then he left and he went home he called me I came over to his house we talked about it turns out a Klan rally is exactly think Claire I was like there were no spoilers there but just past his head in the kitchen I could see it - go play and I was like Jordan Jordan Jordan are those Klan ribs and he was like yeah and I was like can I have some and it hurts me as a black dude that grew up in the south to say that the Klan makes the best ribs I don't know what they're doing I don't know kind of rub that is who wouldn't know you can't taste racism it's delicious this is the point runs like I think you need to join I need these every Sunday these are basic guys I'm Josh Johnson thanks so much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: Team Coco

Views: 1,159,003

Keywords: Conan, Conan (TV Series), Conan O'Brien, Stand-Up Josh Johnson, TBS (TV Channel), Team Coco, andy richter, best moments of conan, celebrity interviews, coco, comedy, comedy sketches, conan best, conan best moments, conan brien, conan classic, conan funniest, conan funniest moments, conan funny moments, conan obrien interview, conan obrien podcast, conan on tbs, conan remotes, funny moments on conan, late night show, late show, talk show, talk show hosts, tbs, top 10 conan

Id: QHQD8jIWUYY

Length: 7min 4sec (424 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 20 2017