Joey Diaz Making Ryan Sickler Die of Laughter Part 1

all right and how old your mom single mom new country 38 30. i'm not but my mom had been here as a teenager okay all right my mom had been here and knew the language and already was running numbers and then she went back she went back to cuba cuba that night just a young kid like remember vito corleone was half [ __ ] he got the [ __ ] he got to ellis island he's singing songs and [ __ ] that was my mother right wait so they literally took her my family your whole food whatever pennies they had as poor as they were and said you're out you're right where new york city they were sent to new york city sent to miami this wasn't a workshop he had distant cousins in new york city wow she went to new york stayed with them for a while snuck into the country you know you got to remember there was no tsa right you know you could just give them a [ __ ] piece of paper then and if you could fog the bottom of the glass they let you in fog this okay you're in you know there's a way before anything right you know there was no drug smuggling was about four years older than me and me then something went down like i couldn't get all the accurate stories i could store bits and pieces from my uncle he's 80 and he lives in glendale and i still i just went to a dodger game that's your source so but whenever i ask him something he tells me a little bit more than i want to know so i stopped asking him saying so i had to stop so then they came back and my mother used that girl's name to get back into the states when my mother went back to cuba white kids and they were nice kids and stuff and we had a good time you know we played kick the can and stick ball and hoppies and butter go get your mother you ever play hot peas and butter go get your mother no that's when you hide it you hide a belt with a metal buckle you have to hide it so i hide it and all of us are playing and we're in this room and i'm like you're hot you're hot but the base is 30 yards away so if you find the belt you get the whippers all the way that we find and it's up to you whether you want to whip us with the belt or the metal side so if you whip somebody with the metal i was the heartbeat in new york city i'm 20 blocks from the heart of new york city six five oh wow so i'm hanging out down there on 88th street playing buck buck and killing rats 148th street completely dear lord you're killing rap complete different game first day on 148th they came up to me how you doing ricky whatever and awesome they're like what do you want to do i don't know i play stickball and they're like no you want to see a body i'm like what are you talking about let's go see a dead body i'm like i like these kids they took me down to west side avenue and they had some guy who had been hit by a car this is the 70s this is like 65 there was no csi if you got hit by a car you were there for like two or three days you saw that your first dead body the first dead body i saw he was already had the flies on him and they just threw plywood over him and he was starting to stink like from 10 feet away like he had just been there maybe like like these kids were he was right by the hudson river and we would walk down to the hudson river and then finally two days later we went down and it was a crime scene obviously some [ __ ] you know in those days people didn't jog it's not like today that there's jogging yeah i can kill you kill you and drop they never find you today these [ __ ] joggers they're out there looking around and they always find bodies joggers oh it's not like they find like a twenty dollar bill you never seen a jogger though they always find some lady beat up and raped what the [ __ ] kind of morning is [Laughter] that because my mother did acupuncture when we were kids every like thursday my mother drove me down to chinatown with my minerals and herbs what good did it do she snorted coke it defeats the purpose when it comes to the minerals the colombians always win you know i used to go to acupuncture to stop snorting coke yeah and she put like a needle in my ear and i'd still smoke coke that night the needle would fly out of my ear i was crying all night and then my mother came home at three and when i got up that morning my mother went to give me the teeth that was asleep on the couch and my mother was in the room like making eggs getting the emulsive cod ready and here i am sharpening a knife like i was that crazy at that like i was sharpening a knife and my mom was like what's going on with you let me tell you my poor mother god rest herself my poor mother she's hungover she probably did a grammar blow the night before and dirty all my 20 hours i'm going to stab this [ __ ] and as i went like i was sharpening and i'm i'm dead serious like i remember i was ready to kill her for my 20 this is march 9th march 71 i was going to wake her up like henry hill's wife with a knife to throw yeah and say you better give my 20 i'm going to stab you right now it got so bad in the living room and my mother had to hold me back that my mother gave me the twenty dollars tina just wouldn't give it up peter would not give it up and i didn't talk to tita for months after that i hit her in the head with a shoehorn about a year later because she wouldn't let me watch her wi-fi vote her wi-fi vote was on and she told me how to go to bed remarried before all this [ __ ] happened like i i just i was i i got good after my mom remarried my mom got married 50 years ago two or three days ago when the moon landed when the people were jerking off landed on the moon whatever the [ __ ] that wasn't even the moon you could tell it was [ __ ] santa barbara dirt that wasn't even the moon and i'm not even a conspiracy theory there's no way that was the moon that looked like yankee stadium stared on the floor i knew the neighbor was at work so i said i told you my mother's not home and he goes well we could go either go back to school and this is a true story guys whether you believe me and i go you hungry and he goes i can eat let's take a walk over to the blimpy base do you know i bought this [ __ ] blimpy and he let me go in 1969 that's awesome brought this guy a blimpy and he goes all right we can't walk out of here together walk out you make a left and i'll make a right that was it i never saw the trunk officer no more so i kept playing hooky because they would call the house and my mom wouldn't answer the phone i like school but i didn't like that 12-3 session suck my dick we only need we only need nine to twelve but i'm good that's 12-3 it don't work for me you know what i'm saying it's nice you want to set me in a classroom like a [ __ ] a prisoner of war you know what i'm saying so one day i go to central park i had a lunch box my mother gave me a lunch box they made me bring a lunch box like a beatles or something i [ __ ] hated the lunch box they had the you have them like white kids you [ __ ] get like a sandwich and an apple and like a napkin like a pudding not spanish people we get like cuban soup in the thermos cologne a sandwich rosary beads a candle a napkin spanish music they fit a radio in there they do everything like it weighs 80 pounds like if i flew united with that thing they charged me a yard stick with a little beetle lunch box so i figured if i told my mother i lost it she wouldn't get me another lunch box so i went to uh i went to uh central park to throw it in the lake and as i went to get to the lake these three little irish kids came up to me like what's in the lunch box and i would have gave it to them but i was like you're not taking it like we want the lunch box so i hit one of the kids with the lunch box and opened up and i'm fighting the three kids i'm getting my ass kicked i'm six five i don't know what i'm doing and the kid hits me in the head with a thermos remember those metal thermometers yeah the glass inside that when it hit me in the head and i touched my hand i had blood all over it and i [ __ ] ran home and uh they couldn't take me to the hospital because my mother was in the barn jersey so what they did was they sent me to the hospital and they had to wait for my mom to get the consent form and then they stitched me up do you know when my mom found out i played hooky after they stitched me up she beat me at the hospital like she was just beating me at the hospital then another time you're in the right spot i'm in the mafia at six i don't say nothing to nobody i don't say nothing christmas eve i put it in [ __ ] it's good for something will happen something will happen by [ __ ] february i'm walking around with like a tumor like my ear got big they couldn't figure out what it was and here's my mother coming home every night at three exhausted because my mother [ __ ] worked let's get one thing straight my mother was a functioning alcoholic what most people do sober my mother could eat your ass alive and with logic she was business savvy happy hour before happy hour was invented just a [ __ ] animal of a woman what are we talking about oh your ears so my mom i'm allowed to play in front of the house i was an arsonist i used to light things on fire and then piss on them to turn them off and then one day i didn't have enough piss turn it off and one day there's enough piss in the building next to me when i'm fired ah oh yes i did i did that building on fire 205 well the back of it not the whole building getting burnt on fire just the [Laughter] it was like the stairs to the bottom yeah and i would take newspapers and i would light them on fire and then pee and then one day i showed my friends ago come here i got a trick and i drew a bunch of newspapers down there and a little on fire and i started peeing the fire got bigger and bigger now i lived on 205 west 88 acre three apartment 3a and i didn't my living room had a view of 88th street from broadway but my bedroom did not have that i had a view to a parking garage lot that was empty so people would play uh stickball and they would play tag in that yard so i would take pennies and throw them out the window and people go who's throwing pennies you walk up the stairs and you knock on people's door they refused to do that they shook down business owners they go six of us would walk into a business and go trick or treat if that [ __ ] didn't put a quarter in each of our baskets like we didn't accept candy [Laughter] like those kids that's [ __ ] that everybody gets we don't want they're not ready for you we're not ready for camp we don't take candy here that's how tough these kids when bookies came in with mistresses i would go over and talk to them and like throw hints that i was going to talk about the wife and i would and i would talk break you off a little something yeah until they were like what's it going to take for you to leave give me a fight what's it gonna take for you what a james bond knife here type up a james bond knife from the 70s there you go [Laughter] look at the size of this knife when i was seven i bought a james bond knife and she surprise attacked me smart street smart he was that intelligent he played you like a fiddle if he had to meet you to talk to you and he wasn't sure about you if he had to meet you at nine he'd come here at six and plant two guns and a knife i mean this guy was a genius he was a [ __ ] genius

Channel: Plasma

Views: 112,569

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Id: 5a5qhEXzN7c

Length: 12min 53sec (773 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 15 2021