Ryan Sickler - Cocaine Alligator - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

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Hilarious

👍︎︎ 4 👤︎︎ u/penderhead 📅︎︎ Nov 04 2016 🗫︎ replies

Eh. I don't think his is my kinda of stand up.

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/JonestownBarWench 📅︎︎ Nov 03 2016 🗫︎ replies
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<i> - Oh! Oh, yes!</i> Yes! Whoo! That's what I'm talking about right here. This is why I don't leave when people do drugs. Now, I'm at a house party and this guy's got an alligator on his face. <i> [percussive music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> - [screaming] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [crashing] [all screaming] <i> ♪ </i> [screaming] <i> ♪ </i> - [growling] <i> ♪ </i> - A very, very funny comic. Glad to have him here. You guys know him as the host of "The CrabFeast" podcast. Give it up for Mr. Ryan Sickler, everybody. Let him hear it. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - You guys like drugs? [cheers and laughter] All right. I don't really do drugs, all right? I smoke a little weed. I drink a beer now and then. I've never done cocaine. I've never done acid. I'm not into pills. Like, the hard stuff scares me. All right, but in a right situation, I love to be around people on drugs. Anything is possible when someone's on drugs. All right, like right now, if you said, "Hey, "do you mind if I smoke some heroin while you tell this story?" I'd say, "Fire that shit up. Let's see where the night takes you." So, I'm originally from Baltimore. And--grew up out in Sykesville, Maryland. And when I graduated high school, I played soccer for junior college, AKA community college. AKA the 13th grade. [laughter] And...so when you play sports with guys in high school, you play all four years, you know 'em well, you're in school with 'em, everybody knows each other. When I got to college, not everyone knew each other. And a dude on the team said, "Hey, man, a friend of mine "is having a party tonight down in Fort McHenry. We should all go, get to know one another, and hang out." Now, quick history lesson for you here if you don't know. Fort McHenry is where Francis Scott Key wrote our national anthem. All right? He wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner" there. I'm going to a house party there. We all have our path. So...I get to the door and I knock on the door and this big dude answers. And when I say "big," I don't want to be misleading. He wasn't built like The Rock, but he was more like Sloth from "Goonies." Okay? Sizable. Dude was sizable. And he says, "Welcome to my party. My name is Sparks." I said, "Well, thank you for having me, Sparks." I go in, I'm hanging out with the guys on the team, we're drinking and smoking. Sparks is right there, drinking and smoking with us. Then he disappears downstairs. A few minutes later, he comes back up, drinking and smoking, disappears downstairs again. Now, I don't know what's going on down there. I can hear some voices. I only assume it's like, buddies of his, local guys, they've been there a while. They're not mixing with us. We're not mixing with them. But Sparks is going back and forth. About the fifth time Sparks comes up the stairs, he's got cocaine all over his face, and I'm just like, oh, I got it. You're up here drinking and smoking with us. You're down there doing cocaine with them. You're being a great host. So... [laughs] I don't know if you've ever hung out with someone that's done way too much cocaine at one time, but Sparks has these big eyes and this smile plastered on his face ear to ear, and he's bouncing like this in front of us in the living room like I am in front of you all right now. And he keeps snapping his neck and looking to the rear corner of the living room. He's like... And then he walks back there. And in the corner there's a little aquarium with a blanket on it. And he rips the blanket off. All right, now, we're in a row home, all right. It's narrow but it's deep, so from where I'm sitting, at first, I'm like, man, that kind of looks like an alligator. You know what it actually was? A fucking alligator. Yeah. Sparks has a pet alligator. And it's sitting in this aquarium on some rocks and, like, half full of water. You know, natural alligator habitat. And Sparks steps right up next to it. And without taking his eyes off of us, he lays his arm in the tank and he starts swaying it back and forth in the water alongside the alligator's body. And I'm like, here we go. Here we go. Here it is. Back and forth. Cocaine. Cocaine. Back and forth. Back and forth. Then he picks the alligator up. Now there's a dinosaur at the party. Two dudes on the team leave. Guy sitting next to me is like, "Hey, I think we should get the hell out of here too." And I was like, "What are you talking about? "This just got good. "Like, do I need to remind you right now "that you're at a party with marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, "and an alligator, in a historic neighborhood. "Where else do you want to be in the country tonight, man? This is the spot. We got a front-row seat." And Sparks is holding this thing by the belly, okay? And it's big, all right. Now, it's not Gator World big. We weren't gonna just, like, sit on its back and take pictures, but it's like the size of a big cat. I'd say from the snout to the base of the tail, it's about this big. And then the tail hangs down. And he's holding it with both hands by the belly with the snout right at his face like I have this microphone right now. And Guns N' Roses was big at the time. I say that 'cause Sparks busted out his best Axl Rose and starts dancing with this alligator. Cocaine. Cocaine. And then he kisses it on the mouth, and I'm like, this is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about right here. And he kisses it again. And you know that little shady side-eye that alligators have? That little eye they have, you know? That alligator's looking out at all of us like, "Is this motherfucker serious?" And then he kissed it a third time, and that alligator said snap! And I was like, Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Whoo! That's what I'm talking about right here! This is why I don't leave when people do drugs. Now, I'm at a house party and this guy's got an alligator on his face. Do you know how pissed off I would have been if I left and someone called me the next day and said, "You're not gonna believe what happened"? Oh, I'd have been devastated. But I didn't leave. I stayed right there. And this alligator is clamped down on Sparks's face. And his eyes, they're still big, completely different emotion in there now. Starting to see the panic settle in. But I'll never forget the look in that alligator's eyes. 'Cause that's--that was his first time tasting flesh, blood, and cocaine. That's like a reptile Mega Millions right there. And it's on. It's on tight. It's not going anywhere. And I'll say this, too, for people from Baltimore, some of the toughest people I've ever met in my life, all right? This gator is locked. And he's not screaming. And if he is, I can't hear it over my laughter. And Sparks doesn't know what to do. You know, I'm not getting up and helping. I'm not putting my hand in an alligator's mouth. I just open another beer. And he knows there's no one coming to his rescue. And he does what he has to do. And he rips it off of his face. [audience groans] Yeah. And he goes over and he sets it back down in the aquarium. And he's got his hand over his face like this. He takes it off. Cocaine's gone at this point. And he goes, "I'm not bleeding." And he wasn't. And then he put his hand over his face again and he took it off and I was like... [exhales] "Now you are. "A lot, man. "Your--your face isn't supposed to do that, man. "Maybe the cocaine acted as a coagulant for a second, but you're gushing right now, man." And Sparks said, "I'm calling the cops." I was like, "The cops? For what, alligator assault? "What the hell are you calling the cops for, man? "Like, let me remind you, man, "you've got marijuana, cocaine, and alcohol here "with underage kids, "and you just took a gator to the face, man. "The cops are just gonna come in here "and beat the hell out of us. "You need medical attention. Call 911. They don't care about this kind of stuff." He said, "No. I'm calling the cops." I said, "We'll, I'm not gonna be here when they get here." And I thanked Sparks for having me, hit him with a "see you later, alligator," got the hell out of Fort McHenry. I'm Ryan Sickler. Thank you.
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Channel: Comedy Central
Views: 2,279,217
Rating: undefined out of 5
Keywords: Ryan Sickler comedian, Ryan Sickler videos, This Is Not Happening, watch This Is Not Happening, Ari Shaffir, partying, drugs, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, Baltimore, school, soccer, college, weight/obesity, animals, pets, injuries, stand up comedy, stand up comedians, funny video, stand up videos, funny jokes, funny clips, hilarious videos, hilarious clips, best stand up comedy, watch stand up comedy, comedian, funniest stand up comedians, stand up comic, top comedians, best comedians, fail
Id: zYUIOR2hgr0
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 9min 47sec (587 seconds)
Published: Thu Nov 03 2016
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