<i> - Oh!
Oh, yes!</i> Yes!
Whoo! That's what I'm talking about
right here. This is why I don't leave
when people do drugs. Now, I'm at a house party and this guy's got
an alligator on his face. <i> [percussive music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> - [screaming] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [crashing] [all screaming] <i> ♪ </i> [screaming] <i> ♪ </i> - [growling] <i> ♪ </i> - A very, very funny comic. Glad to have him here.
You guys know him as the host of
"The CrabFeast" podcast. Give it up for Mr. Ryan Sickler,
everybody. Let him hear it. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - You guys like drugs? [cheers and laughter] All right. I don't really do drugs,
all right? I smoke a little weed. I drink a beer now and then. I've never done cocaine. I've never done acid. I'm not into pills.
Like, the hard stuff scares me. All right,
but in a right situation, I love to be around
people on drugs. Anything is possible
when someone's on drugs. All right, like right now,
if you said, "Hey, "do you mind if
I smoke some heroin while you tell this story?" I'd say, "Fire that shit up. Let's see where
the night takes you." So,
I'm originally from Baltimore. And--grew up out in
Sykesville, Maryland. And when I graduated
high school, I played soccer for
junior college, AKA community college. AKA the 13th grade. [laughter] And...so when you play sports with guys in high school,
you play all four years, you know 'em well,
you're in school with 'em, everybody knows each other.
When I got to college, not everyone knew each other. And a dude on the team said,
"Hey, man, a friend of mine "is having a party tonight
down in Fort McHenry. We should all go, get to know
one another, and hang out." Now, quick history lesson
for you here if you don't know. Fort McHenry is where
Francis Scott Key wrote our national anthem.
All right? He wrote "The Star-Spangled
Banner" there. I'm going to
a house party there. We all have our path. So...I get to the door
and I knock on the door and this big dude answers. And when I say "big,"
I don't want to be misleading. He wasn't built like The Rock, but he was more like Sloth
from "Goonies." Okay?
Sizable. Dude was sizable. And he says,
"Welcome to my party. My name is Sparks." I said, "Well, thank you
for having me, Sparks." I go in, I'm hanging out
with the guys on the team, we're drinking and smoking. Sparks is right there,
drinking and smoking with us. Then he disappears downstairs. A few minutes later,
he comes back up, drinking and smoking, disappears downstairs again. Now, I don't know
what's going on down there. I can hear some voices. I only assume it's like, buddies of his, local guys, they've been there a while. They're not mixing with us. We're not mixing with them. But Sparks is going
back and forth. About the fifth time
Sparks comes up the stairs, he's got cocaine
all over his face, and I'm just like, oh, I got it. You're up here
drinking and smoking with us. You're down there
doing cocaine with them. You're being a great host. So...
[laughs] I don't know if you've ever
hung out with someone that's done way too much cocaine
at one time, but Sparks has these big eyes and this smile plastered
on his face ear to ear, and he's bouncing like this
in front of us in the living room like I am
in front of you all right now. And he keeps snapping his neck and looking to the rear corner
of the living room. He's like... And then he walks back there. And in the corner
there's a little aquarium with a blanket on it.
And he rips the blanket off. All right, now,
we're in a row home, all right. It's narrow but it's deep, so from where I'm sitting,
at first, I'm like, man, that kind of looks like
an alligator. You know what it actually was? A fucking alligator. Yeah.
Sparks has a pet alligator. And it's sitting in
this aquarium on some rocks and, like, half full of water. You know,
natural alligator habitat. And Sparks steps
right up next to it. And without taking his eyes
off of us, he lays his arm in the tank and he starts swaying it
back and forth in the water alongside the alligator's body. And I'm like, here we go. Here we go.
Here it is. Back and forth. Cocaine.
Cocaine. Back and forth.
Back and forth. Then he picks the alligator up. Now there's a dinosaur
at the party. Two dudes on the team leave. Guy sitting next to me is like, "Hey, I think we should
get the hell out of here too." And I was like,
"What are you talking about? "This just got good. "Like, do I need to remind you
right now "that you're at a party with
marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, "and an alligator,
in a historic neighborhood. "Where else do you want to be
in the country tonight, man? This is the spot.
We got a front-row seat." And Sparks is holding this thing
by the belly, okay? And it's big, all right. Now, it's not Gator World big. We weren't gonna just, like,
sit on its back and take pictures,
but it's like the size of a big cat.
I'd say from the snout to the base of the tail,
it's about this big. And then the tail hangs down. And he's holding it
with both hands by the belly with the snout right at his face
like I have this microphone right now. And Guns N' Roses was big
at the time. I say that 'cause Sparks
busted out his best Axl Rose and starts dancing
with this alligator. Cocaine.
Cocaine. And then he kisses it
on the mouth, and I'm like,
this is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about
right here. And he kisses it again. And you know that little
shady side-eye that alligators have?
That little eye they have, you know?
That alligator's looking out at all of us like,
"Is this motherfucker serious?" And then he kissed it
a third time, and that alligator said snap! And I was like,
Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Whoo! That's what
I'm talking about right here! This is why I don't leave
when people do drugs. Now, I'm at a house party and this guy's got an alligator
on his face. Do you know how pissed off
I would have been if I left and someone called me
the next day and said, "You're not gonna believe
what happened"? Oh, I'd have been devastated. But I didn't leave.
I stayed right there. And this alligator is
clamped down on Sparks's face. And his eyes, they're still big, completely different emotion
in there now. Starting to see
the panic settle in. But I'll never forget the look
in that alligator's eyes. 'Cause that's--that was
his first time tasting flesh, blood, and cocaine. That's like a reptile
Mega Millions right there. And it's on.
It's on tight. It's not going anywhere. And I'll say this, too,
for people from Baltimore, some of the toughest people
I've ever met in my life, all right? This gator is locked. And he's not screaming. And if he is, I can't hear it
over my laughter. And Sparks doesn't know
what to do. You know,
I'm not getting up and helping. I'm not putting my hand
in an alligator's mouth. I just open another beer. And he knows there's
no one coming to his rescue. And he does what he has to do. And he rips it
off of his face. [audience groans]
Yeah. And he goes over and he sets it back down
in the aquarium. And he's got his hand
over his face like this. He takes it off.
Cocaine's gone at this point. And he goes, "I'm not bleeding." And he wasn't. And then he put his hand
over his face again and he took it off
and I was like... [exhales]
"Now you are. "A lot, man. "Your--your face isn't supposed
to do that, man. "Maybe the cocaine acted as
a coagulant for a second, but you're gushing right now,
man." And Sparks said,
"I'm calling the cops." I was like, "The cops?
For what, alligator assault? "What the hell are you
calling the cops for, man? "Like, let me remind you, man, "you've got marijuana, cocaine,
and alcohol here "with underage kids, "and you just took a gator
to the face, man. "The cops are just gonna
come in here "and beat the hell out of us. "You need medical attention.
Call 911. They don't care about
this kind of stuff." He said, "No.
I'm calling the cops." I said, "We'll, I'm not gonna be
here when they get here." And I thanked Sparks
for having me, hit him with a
"see you later, alligator," got the hell out of
Fort McHenry. I'm Ryan Sickler.
Thank you.
Hilarious
Eh. I don't think his is my kinda of stand up.