-I'm so happy. I'm so happy to
be in New York. This is great. Just like Jimmy,
just like you, I'm a dad. My son just turned 14.
[ Cheering ] Which... which means I've got about 20
more years before he moves out. [ Laughter ]
He's not going anywhere. I got a nice pool. And he takes after me.
He's just like his dad. When I was 14, same thing. Well, he's going
to summer school. He's going to summer school because he got a 1.8
in the eighth grade. It's like...
but here's the sad part -- I threw him a party.
[ Laughter ] Because when I graduated
the eighth grade, it was a 1.7. I was like,
"Dang, you are smart!" [ Applause ] When he became a teenager, it's like
we stopped hanging out. We don't hang out
like we used to. It kind of sucks.
It sucks. When he was like 12, we used to
hang out all the time. We used to
go to the mall together, go to Foot Locker,
buy matching Jordans, walk out like a Puffy video
like, "Ah!" and on and on. Now we go to the mall
and my son just pulls up and he's like, "Dad, can you
pick me up in three hours?" And I just look at my son, I go,
"I don't have anywhere to go." [ Laughter ] "What do you want me to do? Do you want me
to drive around like -- What am I, Uber? Why?" His new friend is Gus. Like, that's who he hangs out
with all the time. Like we're not friends. He'll go to the movies and then
he'll come home at like 10:00 and then go right to his room. And then I'm like, "You don't even want to
talk about the movie?" And then I'll follow him to his
room like a jealous girlfriend like, "Did you really
go out with Gus? Like, who are you with? Oh, you don't want
to talk about it? Oh, you going to close the door?
Wow! Wow! I'll wait out here.
Wow." And he's not even sleeping. He's Facetiming Gus. Because I got my ear pressed up
against the door. I'm like, "I hear you." And I open the door. And I said something
I shouldn't have said. Like, it would have been cool
to say it when he was like 5. But, like, he's 14. And it was
the wrong thing to say. I just opened up the door and go, "Hey, um,
I'm baking cookies." [ Laughter ] And my son goes, "Huh?" And then I go,
"I put milk in the freezer because I know you like freezing
cold milk with your cookies." And then I hear Gus on the phone
go, "Is that your dad?" And my son goes, "Yeah, look," and he turned the phone! And they both
start laughing at me. [ Laughs mockingly ] So I started crying. And I go, "You know what?
I'm eating all the cookies!" [ Applause ]
He's a jerk. Don't applaud him.
He's a jerk. I'm going to take his phone
away. I pay the phone.
I'm taking the phone away. Because when I take
my son's phone away, it's like ripping his heart out
of his chest. My son physically breaks down
when I take his phone. I'm like, "Give me your phone!"
He's like, "Oh! What am I supposed to do now,
Dad?" I don't know what it is
when they turn 14. Like this is a great --
I'm on the "Tonight Show" and I can't wait to go back home
and see my son, but I guarantee when I get home, he's going to be sitting
in front of the TV with his boxers on
and an Xbox headset and going to look at me and go,
"Did you get milk?" [ Laughter ] "Dad, did you get milk? Dad.
Hold on you guys. Dad, did you get milk?" I love you guys.
Thank you so much.
Garbage
Love me some Joy!
I didn't like that.. Too much screaming, turn it down.
Well, that was awful.
Saw a minute of it. Wasn't for me
This guy sucks. His special was garbage.
I enjoyed his Netflix special, wasn't wild about this bit
Terrible.