[ Cheers and applause ] Welcome, welcome, welcome to The Tonight Show,
thank you for being here. Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ] Everybody is talking about this. Last night, CBS aired
a two-hour special called "Adele: One Night Only." Yep. The special brought in
10 million viewers. CBS heard and was like, "Sorry.
We meant ´100 Nights Only.´ Sorry."
[ Laughter ] Yep, more people watched
Adele´s special than the Oscars. Although more people
are watching their Ring doorbell cameras
than the Oscars. [ Laughter ] Yep, that´s right.
In the special, Adele opened up about
the pain of her divorce. It was tough to sit through.
Right after, I had to re-watch "Squid Game"
just to lighten my mood. [ Laughter ] That´s right.
Adele said that she knew she needed to end her marriage when she was doing
a magazine quiz. [ Audience "Awws" ]
Even crazier, it was Buzzfeed´s "Which character from
´Hocus Pocus´ are you?" [ Laughter ] -Let´s get to some news. Today, President Biden
finally signed his $1.2 trillion
infrastructure bill. Yep. Now we all get one day
to celebrate before America turns into one
giant construction site. [ Laughter ] Of course, by the time
we actually fix all the roads, everyone will be riding
in drones. [ Laughter ] I´m excited about the bill.
I mean, soon we can stop making the sign of the cross
before driving over the George Washington Bridge.
[ Laughter ] "All right, I love you guys.
You know that, right?" Some more political news.
Today, Beto O´Rourke released a video officially launching his
campaign for governor of Texas. Watch this. -I´m running for governor,
and I want to tell you why. I want you on the team,
and I want to win this with you and for you and for all
the people of Texas. -Your aunt was like,
"Until ´Bridgerton´ comes back, this is as good as it gets."
[ Laughter ] Can we see Beto again? Forget governor.
He looks like he should be selling homemade honey
at a farmers market. [ Laughter and applause ] "Two -- Two for 10 bucks?" [ Laughter ] Some business news.
I heard that Costco just warned its customers
of a potential data breach after they found a credit-card
skimmer in one of their stores. Or, as the thief put it, "I just
bought some identities in bulk." [ Laughter ] Yeah, it´s hard to spot
credit-card fraud at a Costco, ´cause every purchase seems
like a strange purchase. It´s like, "What´s that?
$5,000 on cheeseballs?" [ Laughter ] "That actually was me.
Sorry. Okay, yeah, that was me.
Sorry." [ Laughter ] "My kids are playing in
one of the cheeseball containers right now. It´s awesome."
[ Laughter ] Hey, I saw that Gucci
is releasing a special edition Xbox that comes
with two controllers and a branded suitcase
for $10,000. Check this thing out. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] -That´s right. Great.
Right after I just spent 12 grand
on a Chanel PlayStation. -Oh.
-You know? [ Laughter ]
-Seriously, for 10 grand, a Gucci Xbox should come
with Adam Driver and Lady Gaga. [ Cheers and applause ]
You know what I´m saying? Well, get this -- a new poll
found that, due to rising costs, nearly half of Americans
will soon cancel at least one of their
streaming subscriptions. You know as soon as
you cancel Netflix, you´re gonna hear your neighbor
scream through the wall, "What the hell?"
You go... [ Laughter ] "I was almost done
with ´Squid Game´!" "Sorry."
[ Laughter ] Well, this is very exciting.
This weekend, the Rockefeller Center Christmas
tree arrived in New York City. [ Cheers and applause ]
Right outside. And I know what everyone
is thinking. Yes, the tree
has been vaccinated. [ Laughter ] What´s crazy is, this is
actually last year´s tree. It just got here now
´cause of supply-chain issues. [ Laughter and applause ] And finally, border officials
in the U.K. found $44 million
worth of cocaine hidden in a shipment
of onion rings. [ Laughter ] Yep.
$44 million in onion rings, plus another million
in the one french fry that was in there by mistake. Well, guys,
here´s some good news -- after being closed last year
because of the pandemic, it was just announced
that Times Square will be open on New Year´s Eve
for the fully vaccinated. [ Cheering and applause ] Yep, only in New York City
could thousands of people peeing and puking
in Times Square be seen
as "getting back to normal," you know what I´m saying? [ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah! We´re back to -- [ Laughter ]
-[ Retches ] -That´s right, everyone there
must be fully vaccinated. Officials say the only thing
you should go home with is hypothermia. [ Laughter and applause ] Well, this is
a pretty crazy story -- apparently,
Russia just fired a missile that blew up one
of their old satellites and it created thousands
of pieces of debris in space. [ Audience oohs ] Vladimir Putin was like -- [ As Putin ]
Sorry, it was gender reveal [ Laughter and applause ]
gone way too far. Hey -- [ Laughter ] Follow me on TikTok. I have more videos like that. I just goof off, have fun,
stuff like that. [ Laughter ] Some news
from the White House -- last night,
President Biden finally had his virtual summit
with Chinese President Xi. It lasted more
than three hours. Yeah, for three hours,
they debated a bunch of issues without reaching any kind
of agreement. In other words, they celebrated
Thanksgiving earlier. There you go.
[ Laughter and applause ] That´s right. Just let´s agree to disagree. Today, President Biden visited
a structurally deficient bridge in New Hampshire, to sell
his infrastructure plan... [ Laughter ] ...and he had to do
a bit of walking, a bit of walking to get
to the podium. Watch this. -The president
of the United States, Joseph R. Biden Jr. [ Laughter ] Dude, look at this. [ Laughter ] Dude, look. [ Laughter ] Dude, they´re -- [ Laughter ] What the...? [ Laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] [ Laughter ] -Holy... -Thank you. [ Laughter and applause ] We actually played that
at double speed. [ Laughter ] Then, Biden was like, "Oh,
hang on, I forgot my speech." [ Laughter and applause ] You want to start the Amer-- [ Laughter ] Ladies and gentleman,
the president -- [ Laughter ]
He´s like, "You got to be
kidding me, man." By the time he got to the mic, half the bridge
had already been demolished. [ Laughter ]
-Wow! Meanwhile,
I saw that House Democrats are trying to pass a nearly
$2 trillion spending package. But some people are worried
that they won´t be able to unite in time
to pass it before the holidays. A few Democrats have even
released statements about the whole thing. Check this out.
Congressman David Price said... [ Laughter ] Next up,
Congressman Josh Harder said... [ Laughter ] Congresswoman Susan Wild said... [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering ] There´s more.
-More? There´s more people.
[ Laughter ] Congresswoman Karen Bass said... [ Laughter ] And Congressman
Jared Huffman said... [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] And Congresswoman
Lisa Blunt Rochester -- [ Laughter ] -Lisa Blunt Rochester?
Okay. -Lisa Blunt Rochester,
she was like... [ Laughter and applause ] There´s more people.
-Really? -Yeah, Congressman Al Green
said... [ Laughter ] And, finally, Congressman
Charles Albert "Dutch"
Ruppersberger III said... [ Laughter and applause ] [ Rimshot ] [ Laughter and applause ] Well, get this -- yesterday,
the Environmental Protection
Agency announced the country´s first national
recycling strategy, yeah. Then, today, they announced the country´s first
national recycling strategy. [ Scattered laughter
and applause ] -[ Laughing ] What? [ Laughter ] Today, they announced
the country´s first national recycling strategy. Yep, the strategy´s
just one sentence -- "Stop forgetting that you have
tote bags in your trunk." That´s it.
[ Laughter ] Ah, in my -- yeah. It counts, right?
"No, it doesn´t." Finally, General Motors just
announced that the chip shortage has gotten so bad,
some of its new cars won´t have heated seats. [ Audience oohs ] At the same time, Hyundai
is reminding people that, if their seats are warm,
it´s because the engine is on fire.
[ Laughter and applause ] Well, guys, it seems like
supply-chain issues are causing new problems
every day. I just read that this holiday
season, there´s going to be a shortage of both real
and artificial Christmas trees. -Ooh.
[ Laughter ] -It won´t be quite the same when
your family is singing carols around a coat rack
wrapped in lights. [ Laughter ] I grew up with an artificial
Christmas tree. They´re the best. You just open
it up like an umbrella. [ Laughter ]
Instant Christmas. It smells like the basement. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, this is going viral. The U.S. Consumer Product
Safety Commission tweeted a pretty intense graphic
to remind people to water their Christmas trees. Take a look at this. -Oh!
[ Laughter ] -If you thought getting
your kids to go to sleep on Christmas Eve was hard
before. [ Laughter ] It doesn´t look like a message
from the Safety Commission. It looks like a Christmas album
from Iron Maiden. [ Laughter ] Yeah, to avoid fires,
water your tree. But don´t worry about
the long, floppy sock you hang directly
over your fireplace. [ Laughter ] And fill it with coal.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I fill mine with gasoline.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] Some political news --
Today, President Biden traveled to the new General Motors
electric-vehicle factory in Detroit to talk about
his infrastructure plan. It was Biden´s fifth trip
to Michigan as president. It may not mean much to you,
but right now, Delaware is like, "Who the hell is she?" [ Laughter ] Well, today, the deer-antler guy
was sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role
in the Capitol riot. [ Cheers and applause ] Right now, he´s trying to use
an antler to lift the keys
off a guard´s belt. [ Laughter ] Some news from overseas --
Kim Jong-un just made his first public appearance
in more than a month. Here he is.
Let´s take a look at him. Wow. Yep. Apparently, the original
"Matrix" movie was just released
in North Korea. [ Laughter ]
-Wow. -All the guys walking behind him
are like, "Oh, only you could pull that
off. Yeah. You look great in pleather." [ Laughter ] It took him 10 seconds
to get into that coat and four bottles of baby powder
to get him out. [ Laughter ] Hey, I saw that Papa John´s
is rebranding with a new, simplified logo that doesn´t have the apostrophe
in "John´s." -Hmm.
-Yeah, here. Check out the old logo
on the left and the new one on the right. Look at that. Here.
[ Laughter ] They also removed the word
"pizza" entirely. [ Laughter ] They said, "Our lawyers told us
we can´t call it that anymore." [ Laughter ]
-Legally. -Can we see the logos again? Yeah, honestly,
it´s pretty similar. And I think that
their new commercial is a little confusing. Watch this. -Here at Papa Johns, we´re proud to introduce
the all-new Papa Johns. You can forget all about Papa
John because this is Papa John. So join us at Johns Papas
for some Pizza Johns today. Just look for the sign that says
Jopapajama´s and ask for me, John Jopapajos. We´ll serve up
some hot Pajo Pajo´s faster than you can say,
"Snohj Apapa." So see you at
Pohnpohn Japajapa´s under the Papa Jaja Pajpajpaj´s
sign. [ Laughter ]
-What? Don´t you find that confusing?
[ Cheers and applause ] Right? Some more business news --
Apple just announced that it´s launching
a self-service repair program so customers can fix
their iPhones at home. [ Cheers ] Do they really trust us
to fix an iPhone? [ Laughter ] The only idea we´ve come up with
so far is to stick it in a bag of rice. And I don´t even know
if that works. But Apple will teach you to do exactly what they do
in the store -- look at it for 10 seconds
and go, "We´re going to have
to mail this in." [ Laughter ] Did you guys see this?
Higgins, you got to see this. Mark Zuckerberg just unveiled
the new glove from Meta that will allow you
to feel V.R. objects. Check this out. -Why don´t you go ahead and try
taking one of those blocks out? There´s a more complicated
interaction you can do with your hands. We can even shake hands. [ Laughter ] -Finally, the technology
we´ve all been waiting for -- virtual Jenga.
[ Laughter ] By the way,
I´m sure that´s exactly what it will be used for.
-Yeah. -Rolling dice. [ Laughter and applause ] "Don´t come in! Don´t come in! I´m -- I´m playing Jenga!
Don´t come in here!" [ Laughter ] -You´re playing a lot of Jenga. -I´m playing -- I´m playing Uno.
[ Laughter ] -Got a can of paint.
-It´s a tournament. [ Laughter ] -Finally, a stream in Hawaii
that smelled like beer turned out to have
a high alcohol content. And officials think it´s due to
an accidental spill from a nearby warehouse. It sounds like a miracle Jesus
would perform if he was Irish. [ Laughter ] [ Irish accent ] "I´m turning
this stream into beer." [ Laughter ] "Please don´t walk on the beer.
Jesus." [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ]
Yeah, beer mixed with water, or as it´s also known,
Coors Light. [ Cheering and applause ] Today, President Biden hosted a summit
at the White House with the leaders of Mexico
and Canada. Yep, basically,
Mexico and Canada heard all of America blasting Adele
and wanted to check in on us. [ Laughter ]
"You guys --" That's right,
when Trump was president, the regular meeting between the
three leaders never happened. Now that it's back, it'd be wild if the Mexican president
was like, "Oh, and here's a check
for that wall." [ Laughter ] Of course, the leaders spent
time talking about immigration. Biden complained
about the number of Mexicans coming to America.
Trudeau complained about the number of Americans
coming to Canada. [ Laughter ] That's right, Biden's very busy. Tomorrow, he is going to pardon two Thanksgiving turkeys
at the White House. [ Laughter, cheering,
and applause ] That's what we're doing. We're pardoning turkeys, here. And they just revealed
their names. Their names are
Peanut Butter and Jelly. [ Laughter ] Come on! After this year,
how are they not named Pfizer and Moderna,
you know what I'm saying? [ Laughter, cheering,
and applause ] Peanut Butter and Jelly? Yeah, Peanut Butter and Jelly. Thanks to supply chain issues,
that's also what we'll be eating
on Thanksgiving. [ Laughter and applause ] Some business news --
today CVS announced that it will close 900 stores
over the next three years. [ Audience ohs ]
Right now, JCPenney is like, "Wait, how did we make it
through the pandemic and you guys didn't? [ Laughter and applause ]
Kidding me?" Sounds like a lot of closings, but all 900
of those CVS stores were on the same block. [ Laughter ] Some more business news --
I saw that T.J.Maxx is raising prices on some
of its higher-end brands. Yeah, I guess they're trying to give the whole store
a more upscale vibe. Check out this latest ad I saw. [ Classical music plays ]
-[ French accent ] Introducing the new T.J.Maxx. Home of elegance... [ Laughter ]
...style... [ Laughter ]
...and sophistication. -Isn't that interesting?
Yeah. [ Cheering and applause ] They're changing their image. Hey, I saw that Oreo's
coming out with a new cookie, called Oreo Thins Extra Stuf. [ Laughter ] What?! So, basically,
they're just Oreos, right? Can I see it again? Can I see
the picture of it again? At this point,
just cut out the middleman and start selling
an IV bag of stuf, [ Laughter and applause ]
you know, at this point, right?
We'll do that. Hey, this is fun --
in a recent interview, Dwayne Johnson said
that he wants to be the next James Bond. [ Audience oohs ] You'll know
that he's been cast when they announce the next
Bond villain as carbs. [ Laughter ] Yeah, instead of a martini,
he'll ask the bartender to shake a dozen raw eggs. [ Laughter ] Get this -- today, an original
copy of the U.S. Constitution was expected to fetch
up to $20 million at auction. Wait, they're auctioning off
the Constitution? [ Laughter ]
Man, the U.S. really is
running out of money. [ Laughter ]
I didn't know you could do that. We're living
through crazy times, when a Bored Ape NFT
is worth more than the U.S. Constitution. [ Laughter ] And, finally,
I heard about a man in China who was banned
from an all-you-can-eat buffet for eating too much. [ Laughter ] In China, he's kicked out,
but in America, they'd hang his picture and give
him a show on the Food Network. Today the FDA approved Pfizer
and Moderna booster shots. Not only that,
a jury in Wisconsin approved gunshots. [ Laughter, cheering,
and applause ] Yeah, today, Kyle Rittenhouse
was found not guilty on all five counts
in the shooting that killed two men
and injured one during last year's
racial justice protests in Kenosha, Wisconsin. It just goes to show you can
do anything in this country, as long as you're in the white. [ Laughter and applause ]
On the -- On the right. No, in the right. [ Laughter and applause ] Let's move on
to some lighter news. It was a big day
for President Biden. This morning,
he went to Walter Reed for a routine physical
and a colonoscopy. [ Laughter ] I guess Biden's
infrastructure plan means all of the tunnels
are getting worked on tonight. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering ] Yeah, but it wasn't
a typical colonoscopy. -Really?!
-No. Before the procedure,
Biden started talking and the anesthesiologist
fell asleep.
-Oh. [ Cheering and applause ]
[ Rimshot ] Well, after his procedure,
Biden took part in the annual presidential
turkey pardoning and last night
the two lucky turkeys stayed in their own suite
at the Willard Hotel. Here they are.
This is real. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Even weirder, it was the fantasy suite. [ Laughter ] I heard that,
after their pardon, most presidential turkeys go to live the rest of their days on a farm in Virginia
called Gobblers Rest. [ Laughter ]
And, believe it or not, all those pardoned turkeys
actually have their own reality show.
Watch this. [ Suspenseful music plays ]
-Coming up on the next... ...Marshmallow throws down
the gantlet with Budge. -[ Gobbling ] -Carrot gets drunk
and belligerent at brunch. -[ Gobbling ]
[Bleep] -And Butterscotch throws
Caramel's prosthetic claw. -[ Gobbling ] ♪♪ -Hosted by Nick Cannon. -Ah, interesting. What?! [ Laughter and applause ] Some more news
from Washington -- today the House passed Biden's nearly $2 trillion
Build Back Better Act. And here's Speaker Nancy Pelosi
making the big announcement. -On this vote, the yeas are 220,
the nays are 213. The Build Back Better bill
is passed. [ Cheering and applause ] [ Hooting ] [ Laughter ] -Yeah. Asked if that dancing
was awkward, the yeas were unanimous. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Meanwhile,
Democrats actually planned to vote on the bill
last night, but House Minority Leader
Kevin McCarthy gave the longest
continuous speech in House history to stall it.
This is real. He talked for eight
straight hours.
[ Audience ohs ] Just listen to a little bit
of what he said. It's real. -Picture America at a swim meet after World War II. I was in the sixth grade. I turn on the TV. I watch Jimmy Carter have a sweater on and tell me
to turn the heater down. You ever eaten one
of these baby carrots? They're just big carrots
they chop and they charge you more
when you buy them. Personally, I didn't think
I could go this long. [ Laughter ] -He did that for eight hours. On the bright side,
when they heard that he could talk
for eight hours straight, Uber was like, "You're hired." [ Laughter ] Some business news --
I saw that Oprah and Reese Witherspoon are
the newest investors in Spanx, although,
from now until New Year's, I think we're all
pretty invested in Spanx. [ Laughter ] And, finally,
McDonald's was just offering a big promotion on Egg McMuffins to celebrate the sandwich's
50th anniversary and it was so popular
that their app crashed. That's right, the McDonald's
app totally stopped working. As a result, it was renamed the McDonald's
ice cream machine. [ Laughter and applause ]
