Jimmy Kimmel Roasting at the 2012 White House Correspondents' Dinner

I'd like to introduce a comedian who I think will be a particular hit with the journalists in this room Jimmy Kimmel is known in the world of comedy not only for a sense of humor but for his work ethic and his tenacity and for those of us familiar with the ups and downs of the media business what's not to like about a guy who's been fired from four radio stations ladies and gentlemen it's my pleasure to introduce Jimmy Kimmel host of ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live well thank you good evening ladies and gentlemen the distinguished guests mr. president Salaam it is wonderful to be here they told me this would be a very high-profile event with some of the most powerful people in the worlds they did not tell me I'd be looking directly into so fear of regards cleavage I saw you texting so if he is from Colombia this is what women look like in Colombia what do you expect the Secret Service to do mr. president I know you won't be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the Secret Service so cover your ears if that's physically possible I do have a lot of jokes about the Secret Service you know I told them for eight hundred dollars I wouldn't tell them but they only offered thirty so I am happy to see that Congress is taking this very seriously David Vitter even went so far as to fly down to Columbia to investigate this personally I'll tell you what though I know the administration been cracking down but if this had happened on President Clinton's watch you can damn well bet those Secret Service agents would have been disciplined with a very serious high-five palms would be beet red quick announcement uh if anyone has tickets to the GSA after-party the plane is leaving for the Four Seasons in Dubai at midnight on the dot don't be later you'll miss out on your complimentary white tiger cub I want to thank the Washington Hilton for hosting us tonight you know President Obama wanted to move the dinner to the Kennedy Center this year but the Republicans wanted to keep it here at the Hilton so they compromised and here we are at the hill I'm staying at the hotel and I'll be honest it isn't great I had to change rooms last night because there was a huge leak in the room above me I guess Peter Orszag left his mouth on and he told me you guys would like that one he told me a lot of stuff but it's an honor to be here you know he told me when I was a kid that I would be sitting on the same day as with President Barack Obama I noticed that the president's name is Barack Obama mr. president you remember you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow that was hilarious but honestly it's a thrill for me to be here with the president a man who was I think done his best to guide us through some very difficult times and paid a heavy price for it you know there's a term for guys like President Obama probably not two terms but even some of your fellow Democrats think you're a pushover but sir president they would like to see you stick to your guns and if you don't have any guns they would like to see you ask Eric Holder to get some for you Jake Tapper wrote that it's kind of hard to be funny with the president United States sitting right next to you looking you and yet somehow day in and day out Joe Biden manages to do it I wish she was here I wish she was here so he could sit behind me in the fake clap dirt like he does during the State of the Union address are you enjoying this is this fun for you this is the first meal he's had in months they say diplomacy as a matter of carrots and sticks and since mrs. Obama got to the White House so is dinner you're very skinny she doesn't let you eat I felt weird about eating dessert I left it untouched I've never done that before you know the real reason people thought you were from Kenya had nothing to do with your birth certificate it's because he lost so much weight we thought you were the guy who won the Boston Marathon this is how you know this country's in bad shape our president is starving North Korea is sending him food aid I had the opportunity to sit next to the first lady tonight she's very very nice and no matter what side of the fence you're on you have to admit she's done a lot of good work she just wants us to be healthy really is all mrs. Obama I thank you for that look it's Chris Christie get him you know they say that inside every American governor is a president struggling to get out in Chris Christie's case it's the only one where you can still hear them screaming Governor Christie you might be misunderstanding New Jersey slogan it's not the Olive Garden State but the the truth is the first lady is right Americans are in terrible shape you can even tell how out of shape we are by the way we protest we used to March now we occupy I see quick congratulations to the Occupy protesters it took months and months of patchouli oil and hacky sack but finally Wall Street isn't greedy anymore congratulations White House press secretary Jay Carney is with us hello Jay Jays as you know not only is press secretary he you also know him as the white guy from every LensCrafters commercial one of Jays jobs is to keep track of all the Hillary Rosen's for those of you who aren't familiar with this story Kim Lindsay etc Hilary Rosen is the woman who said Ann Romney never worked a day in her life even though mrs. Romney raised five kids and of course the administration tried to distance itself from those comments they said she's not an advisor to the Obama campaign even though as we later found out her name appeared on the White House visitor log 35 times so when reporters that has j.y her name showed up 35 times this is where it gets hilarious he said he wasn't sure it was the same Hilary Rosen he said I personally know three Hilary Rosen you personally know three Hillary Rosen's where did all these Hillary roses come did you put them in the Hilary Rosen garden I bet you $10,000 you don't know three Hillary roses but I'm not running for president so three Hillary's that sounds like President Clinton's worst nightmare hey is that Rush Limbaugh here people are still upset with a rush for comments he made about Sandra Fluke but you know what there's a reason mr. Limbaugh said what he said and that reason is percocet and by the way just to clear things up for the extreme right wingers here's the difference between Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh the people who watch Bill Maher know he's an this is my first time here every news organization I guess has its own table Scripps is here thank God just in case of spelling brief broke set breaks out we have that covered we have numerous members of the print media in attendance which reminds me of a riddle what's black and white and red all over nothing anymore really the Christie jokes are ok but now we're the CNN tables are the CNN tables real tables or virtual tables there you are every election year CNN comes up with new and increasingly amazing technology they have the magic wall this year they had the hologram four years ago and yet with all their technical wizardry they still haven't figured out a way to make James Carville look less like a hairless oiled cat quite a few cable news anchors wrote books this year Chris Matthews of MSNBC wrote a biography of JFK it's 427 pages long for Rick Santorum was throwing up all night Bill O'Reilly wrote a controversial book about another great president called killing Lincoln I actually have my own theory about Lincoln's death I think John Wilkes Booth was innocent I don't even think it was an assassination I believe that Abraham Lincoln had a vision about what the Republican Party would become in 150 years and he shot himself or did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already some people think Rupert Murdoch was intentionally trying to appear to be confused when he testified in front of the British government but I don't know the man is 81 years old I think you have to know how to use a cell phone before you can figure out how to hack into one Rupert Murdoch paid 580 million dollars from myspace clearly he knows nothing about technology Fox News is the grumpy old man of Cable loud stubborn a little bit out of touch with reality just had a mole removed is the Fox mole here by the way I like to take a moment to salute the Fox mole were not for his brave sacrifice the world may never have known that the bathrooms at Fox were overdue for renovation leaking to videos and getting caught right away doesn't make you a mole it makes you a freckle as a result of all the success Fox News has had MSNBC has moved a bit to the left of Hugo Chavez lately MSNBC has a very big star now in Rachel Maddow Rachel hosts her own show she's a best-selling author and yet somehow she still manages to find time to cut her own hair the Rachel was a very different hairstyle when Jennifer Aniston had it Rachel Maddow also wrote a book energy argues that the unchecked expansion of executive power since Vietnam has resulted in a country that is perpetually at war which comes at disastrous cost not only financially but to the very ideals on which the United States was founded women nag nag nag you know there are a lot of very big celebrities here with us tonight oggi is here Huggies the dog from the movie the artist Oggy is amazing he he can roll over on command he's a Democrat bug you have some advice if Mitt Romney ever invites you to go for a ride call Shotgun and if the president tries to butter you run last week we learned that the president's two favorite steaks are rib eye and seeing hi you know you don't have to reveal everything in an autobiography right I mean you can leave some things out when you go to a dog park is it the same as when we look at a tank full of lobsters the president was very candid in an interview with the Atlantic a couple of weeks ago when he called Kanye West a jackass which no offense sir but I think he got the wrong West I think you meant Alan do all West look the same to you George Clooney is here tonight tomorrow he said to appear before Alan West in the house on American Activities Committee George is hosting a fundraiser event for the Obama campaign for $3 you can enter a raffle and the winner gets to have dinner with the president at George Clooney's house and I for one have always dreamed of eating a hot pocket with the president and Batman and now I can do it for only 3 bucks and if you don't win raffle remember you could still win dinner with George himself if you are a six-foot one blond with a perfect body Sully Sullenberger where is Sully Sullenberger I met him outside the sonne would you do us a favor would you mind driving lindsey lohan home make sure you don't run into a goose especially a gray goose George Stephanopoulos is here at Good Morning America just beat the Today Show for the first time in 16 years and George is riding well hi maybe isn't the word but say let's say he's very pleased 16 years is a long time 16 years ago there was no Facebook there was no Google and a tweet was something Barbara Walters gave her dog this this is really incredible I mean what a collection of people here in one room we have members of the media politicians corporate executives advertisers lobbyists and celebrities everything that is wrong with America is here in this room tonight unfortunately the Speaker of the House John Boehner isn't apparently yours aren't the only dinner invitations he declines mrs. Obama don't take it personally oh he's probably just afraid someone will last gonna pass the salt and he won't have the votes Eric Cantor couldn't be here tonight he's at the gym working out his gavel arm this Boehner Cantor feud fascinates me as most of you know it started during the debt ceiling negotiations when they couldn't agree on the wording of the ransom note and it went downhill from there interesting fact about Speaker Boehner the reason he smoked so many cigarettes is his tears keep putting them out Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi isn't here tonight either but her her lipstick is on my glass I think from last year Nancy Pelosi believes in lipstick the same way she believes in government too much is never enough Jake Tapper also wrote that one I've been I have to say I've been having a lot of fun here in Washington it's such a great city with all the history and monuments I was at the Lincoln Memorial last night just standing there in all a thing akin the 60s on this very spot Forrest Gump reunited with Jenny the people are interesting to you and it's fun to have conversations with people who are so passionate about politics I talked to a guy who was a huge supporter of Obamacare and and a guy who says it's a disaster that should be killed immediately and it was interesting because I'd never met Mitt Romney before Mitt Romney is the inevitable Republican candidate for president he's a has amazing story you know they picked him out of a Lands End catalog that's how he was discovered some people say Mitt Romney won't be elected president because he's Mormon and I think that's ignorant this country is more open-minded than that we elected in an african-american president we would absolutely elect a Mormon president just not Mitt Romney Stevie Wonder just said we elected an african-american president we heard I Eric Fernstrom compared Romney's campaign to an etch-a-sketch and I don't know when I think Mitt Romney I don't think at your sketch I think twister one foot on red the other on blue and both hands on green mitt has trouble connecting with regular people you can't have a beer with them because he doesn't drink you can't have a cup of coffee with them because he can't have caffeine you can't even play Monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car but if you're a Republican you know there isn't much of a choice I get Rick Santorum is out I guess it just wasn't Rick's year rich here is 1954 you know it's one thing to oppose gay marriage it's another altogether to do it in a sweater vest in the end Rick Santorum may not have won the nomination but he succeeded in getting his message out not just to Americans but to people all a flat the world Ron Paul is still in there he's still sticking with it to me Ron Paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every scooby-doo episode it's great to see the Gingrich's here tonight because I guess that means the check cleared dude I have a question how can you be against gay marriage when you yourself are the son of two gay parents the Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man I don't understand politicians who are against gay marriage I don't understand anyone who's against gay marriage and when you really think about it aren't all marriages kind of gay I mean as a man when you get married essentially what you're saying is I will never touch another woman as long as I live now let's put jewelry on each other and dance thought that descending in my business mr. Gingrich but why are you waiting until Tuesday to drop out of this just do it now it's oh it's time to mitt or get off the pot the election process has changed a lot over the last 10 years as you know the president finally gave in and agreed to a super PAC which initially Vice President Biden was very excited about until he found out that a super PAC isn't one of those big boxes with all the different kinds of chips and while we're on the subject of super PACs let's get rid of super committees super committees are two committees what super cuts is two cuts alright it's time for the fun part of the evening I'd like everyone to look under your seats under each one you will find a copy of Keith oberyn's resume is Keith here tonight limo wouldn't pick him up the thing about Keith Olbermann is he's so likable Al Gore launched Current TV in 2005 and it took off like a North Korean rocket to be honest I didn't even know Current TV was still on the air but then I don't get channel a million pees Oberman burned more bridges than the arsonist of Madison County he has more pink slips than Marcus Bachmann too soon to say if you're not familiar with Marcus Bachmann he plays Cameron on the show Modern Family stand up and say where are you Marcus oh there he is have you loved one more question for you mr. president what's with the marijuana crackdown I mean seriously what is the concern we will deplete the nation's Funyun supply you know pot smokers vote two sometimes a week after the election but they vote let's take a quick poll I would like everyone in this room to raise your raise your hand if you've never smoked pot look at Brit Hume he's high right now he's on his fourth almond macaroon mr. president I hope you don't think I'm out of line here but marijuana is something that real people care about and the fact that you believe Speaker Boehner when he tells you he still has control of his party leads me to believe that you must be smoking some crazy great weed yourself Woody Harrelson just woke up as we know now last year at this dinner President Obama had his team on the way to kill Osama bin Laden so who will it be this year if you're looking for the biggest threat to America right now she's right there her name is Kim Kardashian she was captured by Greta Van Susteren and brought right to your doorstep you know when you took office the Kardashians had one reality show now they have four this is not a good trend right now Navy Navy SEAL Team six is outside the Kardashian compound in Beverly Hills disguised as the Denver Nuggets so they can sneak in undetected I have a question who are these people who think it would be a good idea to attack Iran I hear people say bomb them newcomb just do it now but they're a real bunch of Yahoo's and Netanyahu's there's only one way to have peace between the Israelis and the Arabs instead of focusing on their differences they should focus on what they have in common which is a mutual love of falafel and terrible dance music I don't understand all the anger that is directed at the president even if you disagree with his politics these funny's athletic he has a beautiful singing voice he's devoted to his family even with all his responsibilities he still finds time to go to his kids soccer games and move the goal posts and I think that's commendable President Obama wants everyone in America to have health care whether we want it or not I think I figured it out you're not from Kenya it's even worse you're from Canada this healthcare reform thing has a lot of people very angry there seems to be a lot of anger in general and ladies and gentlemen if I can get serious for a moment I believe that if we truly want to overcome the problems that we face we have to do it together we can I forget this country is a great country this is a land of liberty and justice for all and it doesn't matter if you're black like President Obama or white like President Obama or red like President Obama's agenda or orange like Speaker Boehner America is and will always be as a great man once put at a place where a man is judged not by the color of his skin but rather by the number of his Twitter followers it has been an honor for me to be here before so many members of the Washington and national media you're here tonight because as journalists you care about freedom free speech a free press and most importantly free dinner some people say journalism is in decline they say you've become too politicized too focused on sensationalism they say you no longer honor your duty to inform America but instead actively try to divide us so that your corporate overlords can rake in the profits I don't have a joke for this I'm just letting you know what some people say in conclusion it really has been an honor for me to be here tonight and I'd like to thank Karen Bohannon for inviting me and Jake Tapper for writing all the jokes you didn't like and I also want to thank mr. Mill's my 10th grade high school history teacher who said I'd never amount to anything if I kept screwing around in class mr. mills I'm about to high-five the President of the United States eat it Mills thank you everybody

Channel: giantkiller56

Views: 744,352

Rating: 4.7478409 out of 5

Keywords: Jimmy Kimmel, CSPAN

Id: l0CJsahneek

Length: 24min 8sec (1448 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 29 2012