Wanda Sykes at the 2009 White House Correspondents' Dinner

[Applause] oh thank you thank you this is uh this is truly an honor to be here um it really is and i keep getting asked the same question you know are you nervous are you nervous i'm like with this administration what is there to be nervous about you know if i do a good job i get great press and if i screw it up royally tim geithner give me a bonus but you know i understand because it's hard to to poke fun at the at the president you know because he's so likable everybody likes you know just t-shirts and bumper stickers you listening to the radio and people are dedicating songs you know i like to send out always and forever to mr president people love you you know and even the media you know you you guys have been very favorable towards the president you know it's funny to me that they've never caught you smoking but they somehow always catch you with your shirt off i know you're into this transparency thing but uh i don't need to see your nipples [Applause] is there a beach at camp david what the hell yo there was never a nipple portrait of lincoln i'm sorry but this is amazing you know the the first black president i know you're biracial but the first black president i mean it's proud you're proud to be able to say that you know the first black president you know well that's unless you screw up and then it's going to be what's up with the half white guy huh [Applause] who voted for the mulatto what the hell and i i must say mr president i thought that you know that when you got into office that you would put a swift into your basketball pickup plan you know pick a basketball plan you know i mean come on first black president playing basketball you know that's one step forward two steps back and really are you any good i bet you think your game is really nice right now don't you yeah you really think you got good moves huh i mean come on nobody's gonna give the president a hard foul with the secret service standing there he's probably bragging and everything you should have seen me today baby i was bawling you know man they just stroking your ego like oh mr president you really shook me that time you know i thought you were going this way and then i saw secret service do this so i went that way and right to the hole sir right to the hole but that's the thing about you sir you're you're so likable because you're so accessible you know playing basketball you you know i bet you rappers even give you that demo don't you you know hey can you get mr jay-z for me yeah and yeah you're taking the first lady out on dates i mean i wouldn't be surprised if i walked past the white house and see you out there mowing the lawn don't let them get a john deere please please don't listen but that's and you you just hang out you and i think you hang out too much like what was that you and joe biden now get the hamburgers the two you can't hang out together whose idea was that nancy pelosi's hey why don't you boys go out and get a bite you know she was a hillary supporter what's wrong with you oh and god forbid if joe biden falls in the hands of terrorists god forbid if this ever a hostage situation we're done oh they won't even have to torture him all they have to do is go how's it going joe information what did you do did you order boredom no i just said nice weather and he's he's still talking just [Applause] can't listen to him anymore it's like torture and see if you so if you guys are running out like that that's why the secret service man come on you guys you got to stay on point all right you got to step up your game you made me a little nervous when those shoes got past you you know they throwing shoes at bush you know made me a little nervous but i did speak to the head of the secret service and to their defense uh he told me that we we just don't know how much footwear they stopped who sees it i gotta say this about president bush man he he knows how to leave town right i mean we haven't heard anything from him he's just quiet he left like that house guest who breaks something in your house and heard him get out of there before you find out [Applause] you look at your beautiful face you're like what the heck who broke my face and i gotta say he broke a lot of stuff sir he broke a lot of stuff i mean you thought you were you know find a new home you got a fixer-upper huh and there's a lot of things that need to be fixed and you're trying to help and i'm amazed that some people won't even allow you to help like what's what's up with all these governors that i wanted to take the money who turns down money you know maybe you should get oprah to give it away over there okay governors look under your seats i know uh governor uh palin she's not here tonight uh she pulled out at the last minute you know somebody should tell her that's not how you really practice abstinence oh shut up you're going to be telling that one tomorrow shut up you know these things the states they need the money they need the money especially our school system i'm so happy that you're doing something about education and and you want to pay our teachers more because our teachers are grossly underpaid that's right pay the teachers more money maybe then they'll stop sleeping with the students you'll tell that one too i'm tired and tax problems man everybody's you know complain about taxes nobody wants to pay their taxes nobody you know everybody's complaining about don't raise taxes you know you want to increase taxes me i don't mind paying my fair share i gladly pay my fair share but you know a lot of people they just you know have problems with it and i see you know you go like dinners like this and fancy occasions and or even fundraising events you see people you know shelling out big money for for charity dinners you know like two thousand dollars a plate whatever so i think it's it's not the problem that people you know don't like writing a check i think they just like to dress up so maybe next april 15 you have like a big tax ball you know you know give everybody some champagne bring rascal flatman you know have it at the convention center you can see people getting all ready for you know girls getting their nails done what are you doing i'm gonna go pay my taxes and uh the first lady beautiful as always look very nice and uh and how dare you people give her grief about bearing her arms the country is broke all right sleeves cost money and you have lovely arms so i'm glad you're showing off your arms that's right that's also you let you know some of these little floozies out here know and you can try some funny business if you want to but you gonna get one of these babies around your neck you have beautiful arms like some of the previous first ladies they needed sleeves i mean some of them need the ponchos i didn't name any names but you you do need to keep your armors to yourself sometime you know yeah you know you went over to london touching the queen you can't do that you over there patting the queen on the back like she just slid in the whole plate way to go queen [Applause] and whose idea was it to give the queen an ipod what an awful gift your idea what is she going to do down low lady gaga what are you going to give the pope a bluetooth you should have given the queen something you know like a memento of our country something that says america you know give a texas and i have to say uh to the first lady kudos to you for uh availing the bust of sojourner truth in the white house that that is yes and but can you do me a favor and please make sure it's nailed down real well cause uh cause you know when the next white guy comes in they're gonna move it to the kitchen so but mr president you've had your fair share of critics you know even senator mccain senator mccain gave you grief about the the new helicopters that you didn't order you know i think mr mccain was just a little bitter because he wanted to be in the new helicopters but i'm to tell mr mccain like mr mccain i'm sure if you ask nicely your wife will buy you a helicopter rush limbaugh one of your big big critics uh boy rush limbaugh said he hopes this administration fails you know so you're saying i hope america fails he was like i don't care about people losing their homes or jobs or soldiers in iraq he just wants the country to fail to me that's treason he's not saying anything differently than what osama bin laden is saying you know you might want to look into this circus i think maybe rush limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on oxycontin he missed this flight too much what you're laughing inside i know you're lit rush limbaugh i hope the country fails i hope his kidneys fail how about that [Applause] he needs a good water board and that's what he needs john hannity sean harry said he was going to get waterboarded for uh for charity for armed first forces he hasn't done it yet i see you know somebody he can take a water board please yeah okay yeah you may wear your waterboard by someone you know or trust but you know let somebody from pakistan waterboard bro keith olbermann let keith olbermann waterboard [Music] we can't take a waterboarding i can break sean hannity just by giving him a middle seat in coach oh i need leg room dick cheney oh my god he's a scary man i was it scares me to death i tell my kids i say look if two cars pull up and one has a stranger and the other car has dick cheney you get in the car with the stranger [Applause] dick cheney is trying to defend torture he turned defend torture he goes yeah well they should release the memos to show all that good information we got from our practices you can't defend torture that's like me robbing a bank and then going in front of the judge and said yes your honor i rob the bank but look at all these bills i paid [Applause] and finally so they even given you gave you brief about the dog about both you know animal rights people on you why didn't he get a rescue dog why ain't he get a rescue dog look the man has to rescue a country that's been abused by his previous owner let them have a fresh start with the dog thank you all very much good night you

Channel: C-SPAN

Views: 2,819,310

Keywords: White, House, C-SPAN, Obama, Politics, Comedy, Wanda, Sykes, Correspondents, Dinner, Rush, Limbaugh

Id: zmyRog2w4DI

Length: 15min 30sec (930 seconds)

Published: Sat May 09 2009