C-SPAN: Seth Meyers remarks at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner

hello I'm Seth Meyers and I cannot thank you enough for having me tonight let me just say top that this evening I'm going to be making a lot of jokes about many of the people in this room but don't worry I assure you no matter how harsh the jokes they've all been vetted by the man at the top Chinese president who Jintao truthfully I'm humbled to be sitting at a table with President Obama a man I greatly admire it's such an honor to perform for the leader of the world's most powerful / poorest country and before I start these were my birth certificate jokes so thank you for the timing on that mr. president now unusable we were working on these jokes for months one of my guys said are you worried were a little heavy on birth certificate jokes what if he releases it before the dinner and I was like why would he do that he's not going to wait three years and then release it before the dinner who told you I had birth certificate jokes it was Assange wasn't it [Applause] is Biden still vice-president because if not I'm down to like thank you and God bless america [Music] [Applause] now I can begin it's an I am also honored to be performing for those of you here tonight as well as the handful of people watching at home on c-span c-span is of course the official Network for wide shots of empty chairs every time I tune into c-span it looks like they just had a fire drill c-span is one unpaid electric bill away from being a radio station [Applause] people think bin Laden is hiding in the Hindu Kush but did you know that every day from 4:00 to 5:00 he hosts a show on c-span [Applause] I'm not complaining about c-span mind you I usually work on NBC so tonight I'm thrilled to be on a network that people actually watch in fact the fact that I projected on four screens right now makes me the third highest rated show on NBC Comcast of course bought NBC this year I'm assuming by accident or when Goldman Sachs cut up the network and bundled it in the lower tranche of a CDO I figured this was the only room that joke would work and it only kinda did it won't be joining me on the road it's so amazing to be in Washington DC all this history all these amazing buildings and yet here we are at the Hilton the red carpet outside was amazing who are you wearing what does it matter I'm going into a Hilton don't get me wrong I'm very happy they were at the Hilton because no matter how I do tonight I'm earning Hilton honors points you may not like these jokes but I'll be laughing all the way to a free breakfast for those of you who don't know the White House Correspondents Association is an organization of journalists who cover both the White House and the president though earlier Senator John Kyle told me 90% of what they do is abortions [Applause] but tonight is not about our political differences tonight is really about the after parties I keep hearing how everyone is excited to go to the bloomberg party you know how I know I'm not in New York in New York no one is excited to go to a bloomberg party in New York at Bloomberg Party is five people smoking outside a bar complaining about Bloomberg I of course I'm contractually obligated to attend the MSNBC party tonight everyone knows how the MSNBC party works President Obama makes the kool-aid and everyone there drinks it too close to my home there are actually some unscheduled parties happening tonight I've been asked to give everyone a rundown Fox News is having a party security is tough so make sure you bring your driver's license and your long form driver's license but if you're blond don't worry about it just bring that dynomite smile the New York Times party used to be free but tonight apparently there's a cover so like everyone else I'll probably just go to The Huffington Post party and how many pumps parties asking people go to other parties first and just steal food and drinks and bring it from there go get me wrong I love Ariana Huffington especially her voice she sounds like a woman who would be sitting up in bed with a sheep wrapped around her as James Bond is walking out the door will I see you again James [Laughter] andrew breitbart after-party is going to be crazy I mean it won't be good but it'll be crazy sidenote I actually met James O'Keefe last night at least I think it was James O'Keefe it may have just been a regular pimp who hated organized labor NPR is having a party but I'm sure we pretty sedate how while can a party get when it's held in accordance with Sharia law it's what I was told this has been a year of sweeping changes happening TV news Katie Couric announced she is leaving CBS Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like name a newspaper years of hard-hitting questions and she's going to be remembered for the one that could have doubled as a category on the Family Feud follow-up question name something you keep in your attic katie is just one of the many departures we've seen this year NPR fired Juan Williams after he said Muslims make him nervous so one is black and afraid of Muslims making him the least likely man to get a cab in New York City [Applause] MSNBC's keith olbermann was suspended from a show for violating company policy by donating money to three Democratic campaigns still the punishment seemed rather harsh compared to the slap on the wrist Larry King got after giving a buffalo nickel to the campaign of Chester a Arthur CNN replaced Larry King with Piers Morgan this year it's just like that old expression out with the old in with the who Rick Sanchez you are gone but you are forgotten not everyone's leaving my friend Anderson Cooper's still over at CNN and I especially love watching him report from the field you can always tell how much danger Anderson Cooper's in by how tight his clothing is if he's in the bulky yellow slicker than it's a hurricane that's still offshore if he's in the khaki vest he's maybe in the Green Zone in Baghdad but when he's in the child-sized white t-shirt bullets are flying he's getting punched he's pulling kittens out of the rubble so what I'm saying is if you earthly Anderson Cooper with his shirt off turn off your television and run MSNBC has a new slogan this year lean forward as if the problem has been that we couldn't hear them lean forward have you seen hardball Chris Matthews yells like an auctioneer in a wind tunnel I've never watched hardball and thought I need to get a little closer to this now more than ever it's clear that media is changing news outlets are adapting to an online world even Bloomberg News is on Twitter with an impressive 220 thousand followers so only 20,000 less than a Cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo my friend and colleague from NBC Brian Williams is here tonight Brian said he was coming because tonight has the element he most respects in an evening cameras I'm not saying Brian loves being on TV but when he went to Egypt it was because he heard it was their pilot season all joking aside I have nothing but respect for my good friend Brian I don't know if everyone heard about this but Brian landed in London to cover the Royal Wedding only to turn back around and return to America to cover the tornadoes in Alabama it was incredibly brave and courageous and that is a direct quote from Brian Williams this isn't tonight is grown Pass Washington and many Hollywood celebrities are also here tonight Jon Hamm is here yeah Jon Hamm looks the way every Republican thinks they look Zach Galifianakis is also here Zach Galifianakis looks the way Republicans think every Democrat looks since we're talking about celebrities and reality stars we might as well talk about the 2012 Republican candidates just look at the options the Republicans are kicking around Palin Huckabee Gingrich Trump that doesn't sound like a field of candidate that sounds like season 13 of Dancing with the Stars and not the stars the dancers let's start with Mitt Romney Mitt Romney wrote a book titled no apologies no apologies when you have to proclaim no apologies isn't that a tacit admission you've made a lot of mistakes if I come home from a trip to Vegas and the first thing I say to my girlfriend is no apologies we're going to have a follow-up conversation [Applause] both Rand Paul and Ron Paul been talking about a run in 2012 so they have something in common with my father and I which is not going to get elected president debate between a father and son rebuttal dad you ruin everything simple Valente timberlands he makes Al Gore look like Mike Huckabee is considering Iran Mike Huckabee said the president was raised in Kenya went to a Muslim school and he hates America but despite that he still seems like a sweet person so he sounds less like a presidential candidate and more like my aunt and then of course there's Donald Trump Donald Trump has been saying that he will run for president as a Republican which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke dental Trump often appears on Fox which is ironic because a fox often appears on Donald Trump's head if you're at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can't finish your entree don't worry the Fox will eat it and if I can for a moment talk about the birther issue when did we get so suspicious about where people were born a USA Today poll last week said 38% of Americans think the president was definitely born in the u.s. in the same poll in the very same poll only 5% more said Donald Trump was definitely born in the US has it reached the point where Americans only think something was hat someone was born here if they saw it I know I was born here and I know my younger brother was born here but when it comes to my older brother I can only take him at his word gary busey said recently the donald trump would make a great president of course he said the same thing about an old rusty birdcage II found [Laughter] Donald Trump owns the Miss USA pageant which is great for Republicans because it will streamline their search for a vice president Donald Trump said recently has a great relationship with the blacks though unless the blacks are a family of white people I bet he's mistaken [Applause] I like the Trump is filthy rich but nobody told his accent his whole life is models and gold leaf and marble columns but he still sounds like a know-it-all down at the OTB mr. Trump may not be a good choice for president but he would definitely make a great press secretary how much fun would that be Kim jong-il is a loser his latest rally was a flop I feel bad for Ahmed did a shot he lightly never man wears a windbreaker he has no class I on the other hand sell my own line of ties you can find them in Macy's in the flammable section so it's not a strong field and who knows what they can beat you in 2012 but I tell you who could definitely beat you mr. president 2008 Barack Obama he would have loved him so charismatic so charming was he a little too idealistic maybe but you would have loved him I still think we all remember that inauguration day the first lady was there and may I say for as beautiful as you look that day you look even more beautiful tonight now you on the other hand mr. president have aged a little what happened to you when you were sworn in you look like the guy from The Old Spice commercials now you look like Louis Gossett senior I've never said this to anyone before but maybe you should start smoking again is this the change you were talking about mr. president look at your hair if your hair gets any whiter the Tea Party is going to endorse it [Applause] I'm going to get an angry voicemail from Jenny Thomas in 19 years but I believe the president would agree with me that the mood has changed a bit since the beginning of his term at the beginning of this term mr. president housewives were trying to sneak in the hub into the White House not anymore now everyone's leaving Axelrod Gibbs Rahm Emanuel by this time next year it'll just be you and Joe Biden trying to find toner for the copy machine and now your reelection campaign has begun I bet it's hard getting back in campaign mode again you know who's really dreading it will I am he's writing down words that rhyme with debt ceiling the Heritage Foundation projected that vote joke would get a standing ovation Polly shouldn't trust those going but mr. president I truly still have confidence you for one you still have the first lady and of course you still have Joe Biden what can I say about Joe Biden that hasn't already been said incorrectly by Joe Biden I imagine having Joe Biden as vice president is kind of like taking your blue-collar dad to a fancy restaurant he's more comfortable at the Olive Garden he talks a little too loud he mispronounces the sauces and you're always tempted to lean over to the waiter and say I'm sorry about him he's from Scranton the President Joe Biden were not invited to the royal wedding and when Biden found out he immediately said to the president you mean wedding crashers - I'll book us two Amtrak tickets to London [Laughter] the vice president loves train he loves the trains that I assume it must have been hard for the president to tell Biden the new budget cut 1.5 billion from high-speed rail Joe come on and take off your engineers cap I have some bad news about the Choo choos as he broke the news one of the straps and chose overall sadly drooped off his shoulder on the subject of budgets I would be remiss not to mention Paul Ryan Paul Ryan introduced a budget plan that would overhaul Medicare and make deep cuts to other social and healthcare programs because he believes the American people have said loud and clear stop using my tax dollars to take care of me I noticed that his approach to the budget led many to praise Paul Ryan as a serious adult and I have to say nothing is more depressing about politics than the fact that adult is now a compliment adult is only a compliment to a child I'm so proud of you you acted like an adult tonight I'm glad I brought you to my boss's house for dinner you even cut your own meat like a big boy also Congress there are a lot of things you want us to be impressed by that we are not impressed by we are not impressed that you sat next to each other at the State of the Union you know what the rest of Americans call an evening spent politely sitting next to a person with wildly different political views Thanksgiving we're not impressed when you complain about how bills are too long to read the health care bill is almost 2,000 pages good a bill - that - that ensures every person in American should be longer than the girl with the Dragon Tattoo also while we're at it I don't think you read bills anyways I think you guys vote on bills in the same way the rest of us agree - updated terms and conditions on iTunes well I should wrap it up I'm getting the red light not the red light that signals I'm out of time but the red light that signals the c-span handycam is running low on batteries in all seriousness I want to thank all of the journalists here tonight I couldn't do my job if you didn't do yours and it's fitting that this event happened on the same weekend as a Royal Wedding because as I was watching the festivities I couldn't help thinking how wonderful it is to live in a country where people don't wear hats like that tonight has truly been an incredible honor for me America is the greatest country on Earth and at least when my speech started was still a nation rated triple-a by Standard & Poor's thank you and good night [Applause]

Channel: C-SPAN

Views: 5,306,429

Rating: 4.8626742 out of 5

Keywords: Seth, Meyers, 2011, White, House, Correspondents', Dinner, whcd, nerdprom, c-span, cspan

Id: 7YGITlxfT6s

Length: 20min 48sec (1248 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 30 2011

Reddit Comments

[u/Zipwang5555]

Funny stuff. The Donald didn't think so, though.