Welcome, and most importantly, congratulations! Congratulations to everyone who's nominated tonight. Thank you for letting me be a part of this. I'm excited. I've never been to the Oscars before. This is my first time here and the way you people go through hosts, it's probably my last time here, so I'm gonna enjoy this while I'm here. This broadcast is being watched live by millions of Americans and around the world in more than 225 countries that now hate us. And I think that is an amazing thing. As you know, I don't have to tell anybody, the country is divided right now. I've been getting a lot of advice people have been telling me it's time to bring everyone together you need to say something to unite us, and let's just get something straight off the top I'm not-- I can't do that. That's not-- there's only one Braveheart in this room, and he's not gonna unite us either. Okay? Mel, you look great. I think the Scientology is working, I really do. I'm not the man to unite this country, but it can be done. You know, if every person watching this show I don't want to get too serious, but there are millions and millions of people watching right now and if every one of you took a minute to reach out to one person you disagree with - someone you like - and have a positive considerate conversation - not as liberals or conservatives as Americans, if we would all do that, we could make America great again. We really could. It starts with us. And tonight, in the spirit of healing and bringing people together, I would like to bury the hatchet with someone I've had issues with. I would. Matt Damon. Now Matt, I've known Matt for a long time now. You know, I've known Matt so long, when I first met Matt, I was the fat one. Okay? True. And we've had problems. He's a selfish person. Those of you who have worked with him know this. But Matt did something very unselfish and I want to commend him for it. For real. Matt, as you probably know, could have starred in "Manchester By The Sea", he was the producer it's nominated for six Oscars including Lead Actor and he could have taken that lead actor part for himself. But he didn't, he gave that role to Casey Affleck, his childhood friend. He handed what turned out to be an Oscar caliber role over to his friend and made a Chinese ponytail movie instead. And that movie, "The Great Wall" went on to lose 80 million dollars. Smooth move, dumbass. See? It's so easy to reach out and heal. And I want to say-- maybe this is not a popular thing to say, but I want to say thank you to President Trump. I mean remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist? That's gone! Thanks to him. What a night. It has been an amazing year for movies. Black people saved NASA and white people saved jazz. That's what we call progress. A little movie musical named, "La La Land" ties the all time Oscar record it was directed by Damien Chazelle Fourteen nominations. Fourteen nominations: one for every year Damien has been alive. Tonight is very important for Damien: if he wins, he'll be able to go to any college he wants. So we wish you the best. The movie business is changing. For the first time ever, Amazon is represented at the Academy Awards. Amazon is the first streaming service nominated for Best Picture. Jeff Bezos is the founder and CEO and I want to say congratulations to Jeff you know, and I also want you to know, Jeff, if you win tonight you can expect your Oscar to arrive in two to five business days. Possibly stolen by a Grubhub delivery man. Amazon produced "Manchester By The Sea" That was a fun movie, wasn't it? You know if you search for "Manchester By The Sea" on Amazon it says "Customers who bought this item also purchased Zoloft. I don't know what's going on but there are a lot of sad movies this year. Of all the nominees, the only happy ending of all the nominees was the one in the middle of "Moonlight". You didn't watch it, did you? "Oh we love it so much!" The incredible Denzel Washington is nominated for "Fences" - a movie he also directed. I don't know, you've probably heard the story of how it came together: apparently Denzel had always wanted to work with Denzel, and it just so happened that their schedules worked out and the rest is Oscar history. Congratulations to you, my friend. We have friends and colleagues visiting from all around the world tonight. The great actress from France, Isabelle Huppert, is here with us. Isabelle, as you know, is nominated for her performance in the movie, "Elle" and on behalf of everyone here, I would like to say we didn't see "Elle" but we absolutely loved it. You were amazing in that film and I'm glad Homeland Security let you in tonight. I really am. We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood. We don't discriminate against people based on what countries they come from we discriminate against them based on their age and weight. Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds - where is Andrew? Oh you can barely even see him, he got so thin There he is. He lost 40 pounds for his role in the movie, "Silence". It was an astonishing physical transformation that hasn't been attempted since every actress in every role ever. Viggo Mortensen, who is terrific, is nominated for Best Actor for his performance in the movie, "Captain Fantastic" and it is so well deserved. Too often The Academy only recognizes movies that people have seen. And I just think it's wonderful. We are here tonight to honor great actors but we're also here to honor the actors who seem great, but actually really aren't. And of all the "great" actors here in Hollywood one in particular has stood the test of time for her many uninspiring and overrated performances. See? That's what he means. And may I say, from her mediocre early work in "The Dear Hunter" and "Out of Africa" to her underwhelming performances in "Kramer vs. Kramer" and "Sophie's Choice", Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films over the course of her lackluster career. This is Meryl's 20th Oscar nomination. Made even more amazing considering the fact that she wasn't even in a movie this year we just wrote her name down out of habit. Meryl, stand up if you would. Everybody please join me in giving Meryl Streep a totally undeserved round of applause, will you? The highly overrated Meryl Streep, everyone. We're gonna have fun tonight. I hope we're gonna have fun tonight. Nice dress by the way, is that an Ivanka? This is exciting. I think it's important that we all-- I know we've all seen it all, but it's important that we take a second to appreciate what is happening here we're at The Oscars, The Academy Awards. You're nominated! You got to come! Your families are nominated, your friends-- some of you will get to come up here on this stage tonight and give a speech that the President of the United States will tweet about in all caps during his 5 am bowel movement tomorrow. And I think that's pretty darn excellent if you ask me. So let's get going it's time for our first category of the night, Supporting Actors. It's what most actors parents are still doing: supporting actors.
That Moonlight joke about the happy ending was great and I don't get why people booed.
I love the moonlight joke