Joel McHale remarks at 2014 White House Correspondents' Dinner (C-SPAN)

the c-span networks bring you long-form public affairs programming from the nation's capital and are a public service of your television provider c-span created by cable alright everybody here we go I am the last person standing between you and your after party so in just an hour and 15 minutes you'll be walking out of here alright I'm gonna break Jay Leno's record tonight strap in here we go good evening mr. president or as Paul Ryan refers to you yet another inner-city minority relying on the federal government to feed and house your family I'm a big fan of President Obama I think he's one of the all-time great presidents definitely in the top 50 please explain that to Jessica Simpson you're right that was low all right how about the president's performance tonight everyone it is it's amazing that you can still bring it with fresh hilarious material and my uh my favorite bit of yours was when you said you'd close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay that was a classic that was hilarious hilarious still going I'd like to take a moment to recognize the first lady mrs. Obama you have been very kind to me and my family especially when you showed us all how to tear a phone book in half with your bare hands that was was a credit I'd also like to thank the White House Correspondents Association for having me and for not being able to book Jimmy Fallon that's true all right um look I know it's been a long night but I promise that tonight will be both amusing and over quickly just like Chris Christie's presidential bid I got a lot of these tonight so buckle up Governor Christie excuse me extender buckle up all right oh I deserve that I agree on that one that you're right on now allow me to tell you a little about myself my name is Joel McHale I'm on an NBC show called community that's exactly what I thought I also host a show called the soup which is on the E network thank you to Republicans in attendance e is the channel that you're deeply closeted gay son likes to watch Democrats is the same channel that you're happy openly gay son likes to watch is also home to the Kardashians who believe it or not are Republicans and I know that because they're always trying to screw black people yep now just the men okay it's an honor to be here tonight at the Washington Hilton I'm tingling with excitement or maybe that's just the bedbugs I hope you all enjoyed your dinner the filet tonight was grass-fed beef freshly dragged off the cliven Bundy ranch the steaks are very tasty once you pull off the tiny white hoods oh say are you like liven bunny okay I get it all right great all right let it be known let the record show all right um tonight's show is being broadcast on c-span c-span is yeah c-span is like one of those Paranormal Activity movies it's just grainy shots of empty rooms interrupted by images of people you're pretty sure died a few years ago yeah oh and stay tuned after the Correspondents Dinner for an all-new episode of c-span's hit show so you think you can remain conscious very competitive um this is the 100th year of the White House Correspondents Association yes 100 years ago CNN was only searching for the Wright brothers plane it's true and the Correspondents Dinner itself is a tradition dating back to 1920 back then this event was only for men it's true and there's a plaque in the lobby commemorating this as the location of the very first ever total sausage fest hashtag total sausage fest but that's all changed now America is truly a land of diversity only here would you find a black president a soon to be Hispanic majority and all 19 nationalities contained within Arianna Huffington's accent that was low it's a genuine thrill to be here in Washington DC the city that started the whole crack smoking mayor craze you guys were the first I hope he's not here tonight um people say that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is a clumsy mess but he can't help and he's a big guy he's like a bowl in a crack pipe shop between Rob Ford Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz you just want to tell Canada hey hey relax we already have a Florida Ted Cruz proposed a government shutdown to protest the Affordable Care Act and everyone else in Congress decided to go along with it simply to get some time away from Ted Cruz the Tea Party is anti socialism and anti immigration so it makes sense that their hero is a Cuban from Canada poignant that one was poignant the Vice President isn't here tonight not for security reasons he just thought this event was being held at the Dulles Airport Applebee's yes right now Joe is elbow deep and jalapeno poppers and talking to a construction cone he thinks is John Boehner also true it's crazy to think that Joe Biden is only one heartbeat away from no one taking him seriously as president sorry that our Biden will likely be running for president in 2016 saying and I quote there's no obvious reason not to he talks about his motivation for a presidential run as if he's deciding to finish a meatball hoagie hey it's there isn't int okay I'm saying if the bread is toasty and the cheese is warm I'm gonna finish that thing Jill bring me my hoagie bib no not that one the fancy one Hillary Clinton has a lot going for her as a candidate she has experience she's a natural leader and as our first female president we could pay her 30% less that'sa saving this country could use who's with me Hillary's daughter Chelsea is pregnant which means in nine months we will officially have a sequel to bad grandpa it also raises the question when the baby is born do you give pill Clinton a cigar you guys sound like you're on a roller coaster right now there's a heated race on the Republican side they're all battling to see who will win over the GOP base and more importantly who gets to apply Turtle Wax to Sheldon Adelson's rascal scooter Jeb Bush says he's thinking about running Wow another Bush might be in the White House it is it already time for every 10 years surprise party for Iraq yes um as it stands right now the Republican presidential nominee will neither be Jeb Bush Rand Paul or a bag of flour with Ronald Reagan's face drawn on it bag of flour all right people are asking will Donald Trump run again and the answer is does that thing on his head crap in the woods I actually don't know I don't know I don't know if that thing on the side has a digestive system so speaking of digestive systems chris Christie is here he's actually here tonight Wow sir you are a glutton for punishment so here we go chris Christie his administration canceled the train tunnel to Manhattan they're closing the Pulaski Skyway and they blocked the George Washington Bridge finally a politician willing to stand up to America's commuters governor do you want bridge jokes or size jokes cuz I got bunch of both I could go half in half I know you're like a combo platter now I get that I'm sorry for that joke Governor Christie I didn't know I was gonna tell it but I take full responsibility for it whoever wrote it will be fired but the buck stops here so I will be a man and own up to it just as soon as I get to the bottom of how it happened because I was unaware it happened until just now I'm appointing a blue-ribbon Commission of me to investigate the joke I just told and if I find any wrongdoing on my part I assure you I will be dealt with I just looked into it it turns out I'm not responsible for it justice has been served he's going to kill me mr. president you're no stranger to criticism Ted Nugent called you a subhuman mongrel and it's comments like that which really make me question whether we can take the guy who rode Wang dang sweet poontang seriously anymore your approval rating has slips and even worse you've only got two stars on Yelp Mitch McConnell said his number-one priority was to get the president out of office so Mitch Congrats on being just two years away from realizing your goal you did it kind of mr. president your harshest critics have compared you to Joseph Stalin Adolf Hitler and even Satan and I just have to say those comparisons are outrageous you look way older than those guys just because look Morgan Morgan Freeman has played a president a few times that doesn't mean you have to look exactly like him all right but you are healthy which is great every year the White House doctor checks the president's colon for polyps and George Clooney's head yeah yeah it's good to see that White House press secretary and boy detective Jay Carney is here it's a big night for Jay I haven't seen him this nervous since the president told him look just go out there and tell them the websites broken they'll understand that actually probably was a moment um mr. president you have to admit you already have the launch of healthcare.gov was a disaster it was so bad it was bad look I don't even have an analogy because the website is now the thing people use to describe other bad things they say stuff like uh I shouldn't I mean that sushi I was up all night healthcare.gov Aang oh boy that latest Johnny Depp movie really healthcare.gov to the box office look at my new rug the dogs healthcare.gov on it you can't get healthcare gog of had a shag but thanks to Obamacare or as the president refers to it me care millions of newly insured young Americans can visit a doctor's office and see what a print magazine actually looks like that's awesome now over 8 million people have signed up for Obamacare which sounds impressive until you realize ashley tisdale has 12 million Twitter followers so it's pretty good um there's a lot going on in the world right now there's a madman who's had plastic surgery running around annexing small countries in Eastern Europe and all I keep thinking is what the hell is Bruce Jenner doing in Crimea I even get that show there but sir I do think you're making a big mistake with Putin you have to show a guy like that that you're just as crazy as he is he invades Crimea you invade Cancun Russia takes back the Ukraine America takes back Texas something to think about Julia Pierson the new director of The Secret Service is here tonight yeah under her leadership Secret Service agents no longer can sort with prostitutes thanks to their new too drunk to make it to the brothel program I'm sure she loves that the Director of National Intelligence James clapper is here finally I couldn't put a face to the mysterious voice clearing its throat on the other end of the phone it was weird and you know to prepare for tonight I've been watching a lot of cable news I am a big fan of that lesbian on MSNBC Chris Hayes he's great yeah yeah I agree MSNBC is a confusing place I mean al Sharpton is their skinny guy and CNN is desperately searching for something they've been missing for months their dignity totally that was just that table at this point CNN is like the Radio Shack and a sad strip mall you don't know how it stayed in business this long you don't know anyone that shops there and they just fired Piers Morgan thank you Fox News is the highest-rated Network in cable news now I can't believe your tables for stop that far mm-hmm and it's all thanks to their key demographic the corpses of old people who tuned in to Fox News and haven't yet been discovered former Inside Edition host Bill O'Reilly is not here he did host that Bill's got another book coming out soon so he's making his ghost writers work around the clock Bill O'Reilly megyn kelly and Sean Hannity are the Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry this event brings together both Washington and Hollywood the relationship between Washington and Hollywood has been a long and fruitful one you give us tax credits for film and television production and in return we bring much-needed jobs to hard-working American cities like Vancouver Toronto and Vancouver again Hollywood helps America by projecting a heroic image to the rest of the world we just released another movie about Captain America or as he's known in China captain who owes us 1.1 trillion dollars there's a lot of celebrities here tonight they're the ones that don't look like ghouls look around the cast of veep is here that's a series about what would happen if a Seinfeld star actually landed on another good show I like the new adventures of old Christine I swear I just the folks from duck dynasty had a very challenging year the grandfather on that show made homophobic and racist comments but people are overlooking another issue he really hates ducks house of cards has had a huge impact on Washington what a great show I haven't seen a southern senator give a tour de force performance like that since Lindsey Graham played Blanche DuBois in a streetcar named desire and Lindsey if you're here now you can drop character any time man oh my um and I'm not going to spoil the shocking twist on house of cards but just know that it was so surprising that Nancy Pelosi's face almost changed expression did you like that one Nancy I can't tell alright uh I'd like to congratulate Jared Leto who was here tonight on his Oscar and - the Republican senator who asked to be introduced to quote that hot chick from Dallas buyers club you are in for a very interesting evening Richard Sherman has already had an impact on tonight's event he's intercepted all three of Tim Tebow's attempts to pass the dinner rolls oh and Russell Wilson is also here from my my Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks Peyton Manning he wanted to be here tonight but he can only move four yards at a time - you're right he's not here to defend himself legendary actor Robert De Niro is here tonight everyone now I don't do a DeNiro impression but I do an impression of Robert De Niro's agent you ready here this ready ring ding he'll do it yeah mr. DeNiro I was in spiked ID's for so clearly I'm beyond reproach so so I will see you on the set of Spy Kids 5 I'm sure um Biz Stone the founder of Twitter is here so if any of you congressmen want to cut out the middleman just show him your penis not now nuts okay those are my warm-up jokes I'm kidding I'm kidding I uh I I'm kidding I want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk America has seen her share of challenges but as my agents told me when I booked an NBC sitcom hey things could be worse huh now have you watched the news yeah not not CNN I mean like the real news it's pretty bad in other places by comparison America is doing great I mean this year after months of heated debate and controversy we achieved something that will impact the health of millions we brought back Twinkies and we're no longer the fattest country in the world now Mexico is but don't worry we'll be number one again as soon as they all come over here and what's our biggest concern as Americans TV show spoilers in other countries a spoiler consists of hey I haven't been back to the village yet so don't tell me who survived the drone strike no spoilers sorry about America still has amazing technological innovations Google glass has hit the market now just by walking down the street we'll know exactly who to punch in the face in America we see gluten and peanuts as threats to our kids in other countries gluten and peanut are the nicknames of warlords who have child armies so we're better um America is doing just fine guys how do I know that because we're making a fourth movie about trucks that turn into giant robots and why are they making a Transformers for because there's still so much story left to tell so chin up everyone this country is still number one in the all important categories of cream filled pastries face computers and robot trucks education the economy and the environment hey we'll get them next time and here's why America is the best country in the world a guy like me can stand before the president the press and Patrick Duffy and tell jokes without severe repercussions and instead of being shipped off to a gulag I'm going to the Vanity Fair afterparty that's right this is America where everyone can be a riot this is one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me ever in my entire life thank you mr. president thank you mrs. Obama and thank you White House Correspondents Dinner and Thank You c-span viewer good night everybody thank you all right

Channel: C-SPAN

Views: 705,414

Keywords: White House Correspondents' Association (Organization), C-SPAN (Organization), Joel McHale (Comedian), White House (Building), #nerdprom

Id: xfrF09QilNk

Length: 23min 24sec (1404 seconds)

Published: Sat May 03 2014