WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, MR. CONAN O'BRIEN. [APPLAUSE] >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. PLEASE REMAIN SEATED. THAT IS NOT NECESSARY. [APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] THANK YOU, DON'T STAND, THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT. GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT, MRS. OBAMA, DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF THE PRESS AND BON JOVI. [LAUGHTER] YES, IT IS AN HONOR TO SHARE THE STAGE WITH THE PRESIDENT. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HE AND I ARE A LOT ALIKE. WE BOTH WENT TO HARVARD, WE BOTH HAVE TWO CHILDREN AND WE BOTH OLD -- TOLD JOE BIDEN WE DID NOT HAVE EXTRA TICKETS FOR TONIGHT EVENT. [LAUGHTER] WE ALSO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON, I TOO RECENTLY GOT IN TROUBLE FOR TALKING ABOUT A PUBLIC OFFICIAL'S GOOD LOOKS. IT WAS WHEN I WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THAT STONE COLD FOX, SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION RAY LAHOOD. OH, MAN. I LIKE THE CUT OF HIS JIB. [LAUGHTER] PRESIDENT OBAMA, YOU HAD SOME GREAT JOKES. IT WAS A PLEASURE WATCHING YOU STAND HERE AND DO WHAT I DO. NOW IT IS ONLY FAIR THAT I GET TO DO WHAT YOU DO. THAT IS RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES I WILL BE MIRED IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL STANDOFF WITH CONGRESS. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN. [LAUGHTER] I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY CONGRATULATE THE PRESIDENT ON HIS REELECTION. CONGRATULATIONS. [APPLAUSE] AS YOU ALL KNOW, HE IS HARD AT WORK READING JOBS. SINCE HE WAS FIRST SELECTED, THE NUMBER OF POPES HAS DOUBLED. [LAUGHTER] AND THE NUMBER OF TONIGHT SHOW HOSTS HAS TRIPLED. CONGRATULATIONS. [LAUGHTER] WHILE I'M AT IT, I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH ON BIG DEDICATION OF HIS PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY. YES, THE LIBRARY HAS MILLIONS OF BOOKS, ARTICLES, AND DOCUMENTS AND IF YOU GO, YOU CAN BE THE FIRST TO READ THEM. [LAUGHTER] YOU CAN'T HURT ME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GET GOING. RIGHT HERE AT THE START I AM GOING TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU PEOPLE AND IT DOES NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM. I SAY THIS WITH ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE, BECAUSE WE ARE ON C- SPAN. [LAUGHTER] WHO DOESN'T LOVE C-SPAN, SERIOUSLY? C-SPAN. AN ENTIRE CHANNEL SHOT THE BACKUP CAMERA ON A FORD EXPLORER. CONGRATULATIONS TO C-SPAN FOR WINNING THE BID TO BROADCAST THIS EVENT. THEY BEAT OUT HD TV TWO, TVC SOUTH AMERICA AND THE HILTON HOTEL HOW TO CHECK OUT CHANNEL. [LAUGHTER] THAT IS RIGHT, THE HILTON. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE AT THE HILTON. IS IT JUST ME OR IS IT TIME TO STOP USING PRICELINE TO BOOK THIS EVENT CAP.? I LOVE THE HILTON. I LOVE THEIR MOTTO, SORRY THE RADISSON WAS BOOKED. I WAS WORRIED THAT BECAUSE OF THE SEQUESTER WE WOULD BE FORCED TO HOLD THIS EVENT AT A LESS PRESTIGIOUS HOTEL THEN THE DC HILTON. THEN I WAS TOLD THAT WAS NOT POSSIBLE. [LAUGHTER] I DO WANT TO THANK THE HILTON FOR ACCOMMODATING US. THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO RESCHEDULE A CASH FOR GOLD SEMINAR. [LAUGHTER] BY THE WAY, FOR THOSE OF YOU HERE FOR THE CASH FOR GOLD SEMINAR, THAT HAS BEEN MOVED TO SALON BE ON THE MEZZANINE. AND IF JOE BIDEN ASKS, THERE ARE NO EXTRA TICKETS FOR THAT, EITHER. QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT, BEFORE WE REALLY GET GOING, BEFORE WE CONTINUE, IF ANY OF YOU ARE LIVE TWEETING THIS EVENT, PLEASE USE THE #INCAPABLE OFLIVINGINTHEMOMENT. [LAUGHTER] YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ALSO, TO ANY U.S. SENATORS HERE TONIGHT, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SWITCH YOUR DESSERT OR YOUR POSITION ON GAY MARRIAGE, PLEASE SIGNAL A WAITER. [LAUGHTER] SPEAKING OF DINNER, TONIGHT ENTREES OR HOW ABOUT AND FILET MIGNON -- HALIBUT, AND FILET MIGNON. OR AS CNN REPORTED, LASAGNA AND COUSCOUS. [LAUGHTER] THERE IS A GAVEL HERE, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. [GAVEL POUNDS] HERE IS A FUN FACT ABOUT TONIGHT'S FOOD, EVERYTHING YOU IT WAS PERSONALLY SHOCKED BY WAYNE LAPIERRE. -- SHOT BY WAYNE MOTT THE AIR. DON'T WORRY IT WAS DURING A HOME INVASION. THE FISH CAME IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. IT WASN'T PEPPERCORN, IT WAS BUCKSHOT. INCIDENTALLY, YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT WAYNE LAPIERRE IS MERELY THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE NRA. WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, HOW FREAKING CRAZY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BE THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF THE NRA? [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] HE IS NOT EVEN AT THE TOP. [LAUGHTER] I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT EARLIER THIS EVENING THERE WAS SOME CONFUSION WITH THE SEATING CHART. FOR A MOMENT, SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY SAT GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE WITH THE REPUBLICANS. THAT WAS AWKWARD, AND I APOLOGIZE. VERY AWKWARD. SPEAKING OF TABLES, BEFORE DINNER, I HAD A CHANCE TO MINGLE, YOU PROBABLY SAW ME. I WORKED THE CROWD, SHOOK SOME HANDS AND SOLD MY TWITTER ACCOUNT TO AL JAZEERA FOR $500 MILLION. THEY WILL BUY ANYTHING. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE HER AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER. LAST YEAR, TOM BROKAW CRITICIZED THIS EVENT FOR HAVING TOO MANY SUPERSTARS AND A-LIST CELEBRITIES. WHEN I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE ATTENDING THIS YEAR, HE SAID, THAT IS MORE LIKE IT. [LAUGHTER] THAT SHOULD NOT BE FUNNY TO YOU. BUT THIS IS REALLY A STAR- STUDDED EVENT. THIS YEAR, YOU HAVE TAKEN IT TO NEW HEIGHTS. I HAVE TO CONGRATULATE YOU. IT'S. YOU HAVE SOME OF THE GUY FROM DUCT MINUS TO HEAR. --- DUCK DYNASTY. WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, THE GUYS FROM STORAGE WARS SAID NO. I LOVE DUCK DYNASTY, DON'T GET ME WRONG. I REALLY DON'T THINK THE WHISTLE -- ALL MY GOD, IT WORKS. HE IS HERE. I ALWAYS HATED THAT ONE. AS SOME OF YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY SECOND TIME SPEAKING AT THIS EVENT. I WAS 18 YEARS AGO IN 1995, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE THEN. TODAY YOU CAN GET REAL-TIME INFORMATION ON WORLD EVENTS FROM SOMETHING SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. BACK IN 1995, WE CALLED THAT GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS. [LAUGHTER] I CAN SEE IF GEORGE IS HERE BECAUSE THERE IS A CROUTON IN THE WAY. [LAUGHTER] IT IS AMAZING TO THINK HOW MUCH OUR COUNTRY HAS CHANGED IN 18 YEARS. THINK ABOUT IT. IF IN 1995 HE TOLD ME THAT IN 2013, WE WOULD HAVE AN AFRICAN- AMERICAN PRESIDENT WITH A MIDDLE NAME HUSSEIN, WHO WAS JUST REELECTED TO A SECOND TERM IN A SLUGGISH ECONOMY, I WOULD HAVE SAID, OH, YOU MUST HAVE RUN AGAINST MITT ROMNEY. [LAUGHTER] BY THE WAY, NO OFFENSE, I DO CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR VICTORY, BUT AS A LATE-NIGHT COMEDIAN, I WAS KIND OF PULLING FOR THE RICH GUY WHO'S OR STANSTED THE OLYMPICS. -- WHOSE HORSE DANCED IN THE OLYMPICS. [LAUGHTER] THE DEMOGRAPHICS OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE BEEN RAPIDLY CHANGING OVER THE PAST TWO DECADES. I LOOK FORWARD TO HOSTING THIS EVENT 18 YEARS FROM NOW. THEN, MY OPENING LINE WILL BE, [SPEAKING SPANISH] SI. ESPECIALMENTE, PRESIDENTE MARIO LOPEZ. MY PRIOR EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME HOW THESE DINNERS WORK. IF THE PRESIDENT LAUGHS, EVERYONE LAUGHS. IF THE FOX NEWS TABLE LAUGHS, A LITTLE GIRL JUST FELL OFF HER BIKE. [LAUGHTER] HOW ARE YOU DOING, BILL? I'LL BE WASHINGTON NEWS MEDIATOR TONIGHT, INCLUDING THE STARS OF ONLINE JOURNALISM. I DID THE HUFFINGTON POST HAS A TABLE. WHICH HAS ME WONDERING, IF YOU ARE HERE, WHO IS COVERING MILEY CYRUS'S LATEST NIP SLIP? WHO IS ASSEMBLING TODAY'S TOP 25 YOGURT RELATED TWEETS? [LAUGHTER] JUST BEFORE DINNER, I TRIED TO SAY HELLO TO EVERY ON HUFFINGTON, BUT SHE MADE ME WATCH A 32ND AD FIRST. -- 30-SECOND AD FIRST. [LAUGHTER] A LOT OF ONLINE STARS IN THE ROOM, BUT UNFORTUNATELY NOT JUDGE COULDN'T MAKE IT. HE HAD A PRIOR COMMITMENT TO TEACH A WEB DESIGN CLASS IN 1997. THE WASHINGTON PRINT MEDIA IS ALSO JOINING US THIS EVENING. THE PRINT MEDIA ARE HERE FOR TWO VERY GOOD REASONS. FOOD AND SHELTER. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY PRINT MEDIA IS DYING, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT. NEITHER DOES MY BLACKSMITH. [LAUGHTER] YOU HAVE GOT TO MEET ZACHARIAH, HE IS GREAT. NEWSWEEK, WHICH AFTER 80 YEARS PUBLISHED ITS LAST PRINT ISSUE. TIME MAGAZINE MIGHT BE GLOATING, BUT THEY REALLY SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE TIME WILL OUTLIVE NEWSWEEK A WAY JULIETT OUTLIVED ROMEO. READ THE PLAY, IT IS VERY SMART. [LAUGHTER] THINGS ARE SO TOUGH FOR MEDIA, REUTERS IS HAVING ITS AFTER PARTY RIGHT HERE AT THE HILTON. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS WE ARE HAVING A GREAT HERE LIKE HAVING YOUR AFTER PARTY AT THE SAME TABLE WHERE YOU JUST HAD DINNER. [LAUGHTER] WITH THAT IN MIND, REUTERS IS ASKING EVERYONE HERE TO LEAVE A LITTLE WINE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS. [LAUGHTER] TO BE FAIR, PRINT MEDIA STILL HAS A BIG STAR IN BOB WOODWARD. GOT TO GIVE IT UP FOR BOB WOODWARD. [APPLAUSE] EARLIER THIS EVENING, A WAITER ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED REGULAR OR DECAF AND HE SAID, THREATENING ME. -- STOP THREATENING ME! SOME BIG NAMES IN TELEVISION NEWS. WHEN IT COMES TO TELEVISION NEWS, WE HAVE A DIVIDED LANDSCAPE. FOX NEWS IS WATCHED BY CONSERVATIVES, MSNBC WATCHED BY LIBERALS AND CNN IS WATCHED BY PEOPLE WHO CLEAN THE OFFICES AT CNN. [LAUGHTER] [OOHS] OH, IT GETS WORST. CNN'S RATINGS ARE SO LOW, WHEN IT COMES UP, JAMES EARL JONES SAYS, YOU ARE WATCHING CNN? WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE TO SAY, IN THE PAST TWO YEARS, CNN HAS MADE SOME ODD MOVES. IT REPLACED THE -- POPULAR LARRY KING WITH ONE OF THE FOOTMAN FROM "DOWNTON ABBEY." IT IS GOOD TO SEE MY OLD FRIENDS AT MSNBC. CHRIS MATTHEWS IS HERE. CHRIS MATTHEWS HAS THE ONLY SHOW WHERE THE COMMERCIAL EXISTS JUST SO THEY CAN WIPE THE SPITTLE OFF THE LENS. [LAUGHTER] DURING THE BOSTON COVERAGE ON MSNBC LAST WEEK, CHUCK TODD STOPPED A PUNDIT FROM SPECULATING ON ON FIRE SIDE -- UNVERIFIED INFORMATION. THERE IS NO JOKE HERE. I'M JUST LETTING THE PEOPLE AT CNN KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THAT. [LAUGHTER] THIS IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. FOX NEWS STAR BILL O'REILLY, HE HAS BECOME QUITE THE AUTHOR. TWO RECENT BESTSELLERS, " KILLING KENNEDY" AND "KILLING LINCOLN." BILL O'REILLY IS NOW WORKING ON HIS NEXT BOOK, DUE OUT THIS FALL, THIS TIME ABOUT THE KILLING OF JESUS. IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY THAT HIS DEATH IS BLAMED ON OBAMACARE. [LAUGHTER] TWO QUICK SHOUT OUTS TO PBS AND NPR. PBS -- YES! [APPLAUSE] THOSE PEOPLE LOVE TO PARTY. BE SAFE, WHERE A TOTE BAG. IT WORKS. YOU HAVE GOT TO LOVE NPR. STILL THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR NEWS DELIVERED AS IF THERE IS A TODDLER SLEEPING IN THE NEXT ROOM. [LAUGHTER] SHH! NBC NEWS IS IN THE HOUSE. THEY HAVE HAD A ROUGH GO OF IT. THE TODAY SHOW LET GO OF INQUIRY. AFTER BEING TOLD THAT AN CURRY SAID, HOW BROKER TELLS THE WORLD THAT HE CRAFTED ANSWER THE WHITE HOUSE AND I AM GETTING FIRED? AL IS THE REASON THERE ARE NO MORE CHORES OF THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY'RE STILL HOSING DOWN. [CROWD OOHS] BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HERE. I AM A BIG FAN OF YOUR SHOW. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IMAGINE BRAND DELIVERING THE EVENING NEWS ON A DIFFERENT FLOOR OF THE BUILDING, A LITTLE LATER, WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TYPE. IT IS A MIND BLOWER. CHECK IT OUT. AS I LOOK ALL AROUND THE ROOM, I REALIZE THIS IS ONE BIG HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA. THAT IS ALL IT IS. THINK ABOUT IT. FOX IS THE JOCKS. MSNBC IS THE NERDS. LOGGERS ARE THE COSTS -- BLOGGERS ARE THE GOTHS. NPR IS THE TABLE FOR KIDS WITH PEANUT ALLERGIES. [LAUGHTER] AL JAZEERA IS THE WEIRD FOREIGN- EXCHANGE STUDENT NOBODY TALKS TO. AND MEDIA, YOU ARE THE POOR KID WHO DIED SOPHOMORE YEAR IN A CAR CRASH. [LAUGHTER] CHEER UP, WE DEDICATE THE YEARBOOK TO YOU. OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST OR THAT PEOPLE COVERED THIS PAST YEAR WAS THE REPUBLICANS FAILURE TO REPACK -- RECAPTURE THE WHITE HOUSE. HARDLY FIT IN FAIR -- HARD TO BELIEVE THEY DID NOT FARE BETTER WITH THIS PORT OF CELEBRITIES LIKE TED NUGENT AND MEET HOUSE. -- MEATLOAF. THEY UNDERESTIMATED THE NUMBER OF VOTERS WHO STILL DRIVE CARPETED VANS. [LAUGHTER] THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S ON THE MEND. ONE RISING STAR ON THE RIGHT IS SENATOR MARCO RUBIO. OR AS HE IS KNOWN IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, OUR BLACK GUY. [LAUGHTER] AS OF TODAY COME IN THE U.S. SENATE HAS A NUMBER OF AFRICAN- AMERICAN SENATORS. TWO. TWO. IN OTHER WORDS, THERE ARE NOW MORE AFRICAN-AMERICANS IN THE SENATE AND IN A MUMFORD AND SONS CONCERT. THANK YOU, YOUNGER PEOPLE. PAUL RYAN -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHAT'S HE BABBLING ABOUT? [LAUGHTER] WHO IS THIS MAN? PAUL RYAN RECENTLY -- HE REALLY BURST THROUGH WHEN HE RAN FOR VICE PRESIDENT. AFTER THE ELECTION, HE SAID PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS REELECTED BECAUSE OF THE HIGH TURNOUT OF URBAN VOTERS. WHEN HE WAS ASKED HOW HE LIKED HIS COFFEE HE SAID, NO MILK, NO SUGAR, JUST URBAN. [LAUGHTER] THERE IS RNC CHAIRMAN WRITES PREVIOUS -- REINCE PRIEBUS. TONIGHT HE IS SITTING BETWEEN HIS BROTHERS LATHER AND REPEAT. [LAUGHTER] HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER ERIC CANTOR IS HERE. OR ACOLYTE REFERRED TO HIM, YET ANOTHER JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SELF -- OR AS I LIKE TO REFER TO HIM, YET ANOTHER JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SOUTH. ALSO JOINING US, A CONDIMENT FROM NEW YORK NAMED STEVE ISRAEL. HE IS FROM NEW YORK AND HIS NAME IS ISRAEL. THERE IS PANDERING, AND THEN THERE IS PANDERING. THAT IS LIKE HAVING A CONGRESSMAN FROM SOUTH CAROLINA NAMED JESUS H GONE TO -- JESUS H. GUN. [LAUGHTER] YOU'VE GOT TO USE THIS THING, IT IS FANTASTIC. [GAVEL POUNDS] I MENTIONED CHRIS CHRISTIE EARLIER, GOVERNOR CHRISTIE AND SHAQUILLE O'NEAL ARE SITTING AT THE SAME DINNER TABLE. LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE REAL UNSUNG HERO TONIGHT, THEIR WAITER. [LAUGHTER] THAT POOR BASTARD. GOING TO LOSE AN ARM WILL. -- AN ARM. AND WE HAVE ONE OR TWO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES. THEY SEEM DIVIDED OVER SAME-SEX MARRIAGE. THE LIBERAL JUSTICES FAVORITE WHILE THE CONSERVATIVES OPPOSE ANY LIFE LONG UNION BETWEEN TWO MEN, UNLESS IT IS ANTONIN SCALIA AND CLARENCE THOMAS. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER IS NOT HERE TONIGHT. SPEAKER BANNER AND PRESIDENT OBAMA ARE STILL STRUGGLING TO GET ALONG. PRESIDENT OBAMA AND JOHN BOEHNER, KIND OF LIKE A BLIND DATE BETWEEN ANDERSON COOPER AND RACHEL MADDOW. IN THEORY, THEY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER'S POSITION, BUT DEEP DOWN, YOU KNOW NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] [GAVEL POUNDS] SPEAKING OF NOTHING HAPPENING, WE ARE ALL HOPING FOR NOTHING TO HAPPEN WITH NORTH KOREA. THAT GOT ME WONDERING, WHAT IS WITH KIM JONG-UN? IN THE PAST, WE HAVE HAD REALLY SCARY ENEMIES LIKE SADDAM HUSSAIN AND HITLER. NOW, SUDDENLY OUR NEMESIS IS A POUTY TEENAGE BOY WHO DRESSES LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL AT THE EMMYS. KIM JONG-UN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WE AREN'T AFRAID OF HIM. WHAT THAT GUY DOESN'T GET IS THAT WE ALREADY HAVE AN UNSTABLE PENINSULA THAT WILL ULTIMATELY BRING DOWN AMERICA. IT IS CALLED FLORIDA. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] YES IT IS. YES, PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS A LOT ON HIS PLATE RIGHT NOW. HE IS AT THE VERY NICE STAGE WHERE THERE ARE NO MORE SECRETS LEFT TO COME OUT ABOUT HIM. WE ALL KNOW THAT HE LIVED IN INDONESIA AS A CHILD, STUDIED AT A MUSLIM SEMINARY AND OCCASIONALLY A DOG. -- ATE DOG. FROM THE BEGINNING, A KID WHO HAD HIS EYES SET ON THE U.S. PRESIDENCY. [LAUGHTER] CHECK HIM A CHECK, AND CHECK. HERE I COME. I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND THE PRESS CAN SEEM A BIT STRAINED AT TIMES. SOME IN THIS ROOM HAVE ACCUSED HIM OF BEING DISTANT AND ALOOF. WHEN I ASKED THE PRESIDENT ABOUT IT EARLIER, HE SAID, OH, AND THEN WALKED AWAY. [LAUGHTER] IT IS ONLY NATURAL, BUT MR. PRESIDENT ELECTION WAS LESS EXCITING THAN THE FIRST TIME AROUND IN 2008. AN ELECTION NIGHT, YOU CELEBRATED WITH HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE IN CHICAGO'S GRANT PARK. IT WAS FASCINATING. THIS TIME AROUND, YOU SPLIT THE HOT DOG DID NOT ASK ABOUT. IT DID NOT HAVE THE SAME BUZZ. IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL MONTHS SINCE YOU WERE REELECTED, SO I AM CURIOUS, WHY ARE YOU STILL SENDING EVERYONE FIVE E-MAILS A DAY ASKING FOR MORE MONEY? YOU ONE. -- YOU WON. DO YOU HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT? DID YOU PUT IT ALL ON GONZAGA? YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU? HE DID. [GAVEL POUNDS] PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ALREADY MADE A LOT OF CHANGES IN HIS SECOND TERM. YOU RECENTLY APPOINTED JOHN KERRY AND CHUCK HAGEL. SMART MOVES. THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE UNITED TO LOOK EVEN MORE TIRED THAN YOU. [LAUGHTER] A GREAT STRATEGY. MR. PRESIDENT, YOU WILL LEAVE OFFICE A VERY YOUNG MAN. THE PRESIDENCY HAS TAKEN HOLD -- TAKEN IT'S TOLL. YOU ARE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A JUDGE ON "LAW AND ORDER." JUST SAY, YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, COUNSELOR. YOU COULD HAVE THAT PART RIGHT AWAY. YOUR HAIR IS SO WHITE, IT COULD BE A MEMBER OF YOUR CABINET. [LAUGHTER] [CROWD OOHS] HE CAN HANDLE IT. HE RECENTLY PICKED THE NEW TREASURY SECRETARY, JACK LEW. IF THE PRESIDENT EVER HAS TO LET HIM GO, HE CAN SAY, IT IS NOT LEW, IT'S ME. [LAUGHTER] THE QUOTE A CITY MUST BUT THE PRESIDENT IS THAT HE IS ALWAYS THE COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM. THAT IS WHAT EVERYONE SAYS. HE IS THE COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM. HERE IS MY QUESTION. WHO ELSE IS IN THAT ROOM? IT IS NOT HARD TO BE THE COOL ONE WHEN THE OTHER GUYS IN THE ROOM R BIDEN, HAGEL, AND CARRY. I WOULD BE COOL TO IF I WAS IN A ROOM WHERE STEVE VILLE SACKETT SHOWING SOMEONE HOW TO DO THE HARLEM SHAKE. I HAVE MADE SOME JOKES ABOUT THE PRESIDENT THIS EVENING. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO MY AUDIT. [LAUGHTER] IT IS COMING. I KNOW. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT HERE AND CHANGE GEARS AND SAY SOME INTO THE PRESIDENT. REGARDING THE EVENTS OF THE PAST TWO WEEKS. SOME OF YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS. I GREW UP IN BOSTON. BUT PARENTS STILL LIVE THERE. MY BROTHER, LUKE, RAISED HIS FAMILY IN WATERTOWN. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK, YOU MR. PRESIDENT, FOR VISITING THAT GREAT CITY AND HELPING PEOPLE BEGIN TO HEAL WITH YOUR INSPIRING WORDS. YOU MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE. [APPLAUSE] IT HAS BEEN SAID RECENTLY THAT YOU DON'T MESS WITH BOSTON. AS SOMEONE WHO GREW UP THERE, I WOULD LIKE TO ECHO THAT SENTIMENT. IT IS REALLY PRETTY SIMPLE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO PICK ON A CITY, DON'T CHOOSE ONE WHERE NINE OUT OF 10 PEOPLE ARE RELATED TO A COP. DON'T DO IT. IT IS STUPID. THAT INCLUDES MYSELF. I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO MENTION BEFORE I GO. EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH WASHINGTON THESE DAYS. WE SAW HOW YOU WENT CRAZY FOR "HOUSE OF CARDS" "HOMELAND", HOLLYWOOD CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR WORD -- WORLD. I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE A TELEVISION MINISERIES ABOUT THE POWER PLAYERS HERE IN WASHINGTON. THEY JUST FINISHED THE CASTING, AND I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE WHO IS GOING TO PLAY WHO. THIS IS BIG. VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO BE PLAYED BY BOB BARKER. [LAUGHTER] FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER DAVID AXELROD WILL BE PLAYED BY HIGGINS FROM MAGNUM PEII. THIS WAS ALSO PRODUCED BY STEVEN SPIELBERG, BY THE WAY. THE PRESENT OF PAUL RYAN WILL BE PLAYED BY MR. BEAN. [LAUGHTER] SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER WILL BE PLAYED BY GRANDPA MUNSTER. [LAUGHTER] THIS ISSENATOR HARRY REID WILL BE PLAYED BY THE OLD MAN FROM THE AMERICAN GOTHIC PAINTING. FOX NEWS CEO ROGER AILES WILL BE PLAYED BY -- BIGGER BOEHNER WILL BE PLAYED BY TAN MOM. SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY OF WILL BE PLAYED BY PAUL GIAMATTI. [LAUGHTER] FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND CHICAGO MAYOR RAHM EMANUEL WILL BE PLAYED BY STEWIE FROM "FAMILY GUY." SECRETARY OF STATE JOHN KERRY WILL BE PLAYED BY ANY EASTER ISLAND HEAD. I CANNOT TELL THOSE TWO APART. [LAUGHTER] SUPREME COURT CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS WILL BE PLAYED BY BUZZ LIGHT YEAR. SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL WILL BE PLAYED BY DAME EDNA. CEMENT EGG OR WOLF BLITZER WILL BE PLAYED BY A -- CNN ANCHOR WOLF BLITZER WILL BE PLAYED BY A FURBY. AND WHEN LOCKE YEAR WILL BE PLAYED BY THE FACE NOSEDIVE FROM RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. AND WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY JAY CARNEY WILL BE PLAYED IBY RALPHIE FROM "A CHRISTMAS STORY." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A HUGE HONOR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE] >> GREAT EARLIER, BRIDGE
Conan is my favorite and his joke was spot on.
Super harmless joke, kinda sucks that the audience interpreted it as something meaner.