Norm Macdonald Most Savage Moments

well it is finally official murder is legal in the state of California a down-and-out OJ Simpson does press that all of his money-making ideas have failed has decided to go back to doing what he does best killing people there's Charles wood Center how about that I want to season here [Applause] great maybe he became the first defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy congratulations Charles that is something that no one can ever take away from you unless you kill your wife and a waiter in which case [Applause] a new book claims that Madonna once smeared peanut butter all over John F Kennedy Jr's body and then licked it up which just goes to show you Madonna's a [ __ ] and finally Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday the baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal this week in a secret ceremony in Australia Michael Jackson was married for the second time asked what makes his new bride special the King of Pop said quote she has taught me about the power of imagination like imagining that a grown woman is a ten-year-old boy [Applause] you know he's a homosexual pedophile right sources report that Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27th and it's going to be named Michael Jackson jr. Michael plans to be with the mother during the delivery in his words to make up for not being there for the country sources report that Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27 its conception lasts wordless conception so Michael Jackson yeah did you mean to say Michael Jordan air or my do you want to say Michael Jack Michael Jackson yeah he said I heard a quote where he said he he said I don't care if my child is a boy or a girl as long as it's a boy [Music] he's gonna name it he said he doesn't know what he's gonna name he says he said he thinks it's a girl he's gonna name it Sharon really yeah and if it's a boy he's going to have sex with it [Music] he's dead safer drivers men or women well according to a new survey 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes please note that the percentage of these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman those of you hissing at that joke it should be a noted that that joke was written by a woman so now you don't know what the hell to do now I'm just kidding we don't hire women I came in he was supposed to be the Maya kind of my guide through SNL and it turned out that he is a hipster I'm not gonna guide any lady through comedy that would take me first of all I have to figure out how late he could do comic [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] first of all you're a teacher you get the same [ __ ] vacations as a child for twenty year my vacation oh yeah I almost no time ago we're 48 weeks here four weeks what do you teach [Music] ask the questions [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so you need a great 13 education you have a hero Norman Fowler from Three's Company yeah mr. Roper yeah yeah I'm not a good hero it's all I got better than this guy's hero is some gay porn actor gay porn [Laughter] [Applause] okay no gay porn seriously okay that doesn't mean a guy's gay I'm not saying that because the guy watches gay porn all the time single just if not important I enjoy gay porn I'm not gay gay porn is a genre that just cuts across all demographics you know young people all people straight people the gay people enjoy and everybody gay porn but this guy really likes [Applause] patriotic music playing behind that speech I'm going to talk about bobbed or ruin my reputation know if anybody's not gay this guy nice he likes girls he likes last week in a dramatic press conference about the crash of TWA flight 800 ABC News correspondent Pierre Salinger displayed a document which he believes is proof that the jet was shot down by a u.s. Navy missile later he proudly showed reporters his solid gold Rolex that he bought on the street for just fifteen dollars that's one ugly bastard in it here we see the president and the first [ __ ] gosh Hilary looks pretty in this photo here at ng never realized there's such a looker till I see her here in this this picture Bob Dole can win really is if Bill Clinton this rock with more scandals you know there's everyday a new scandal comes up you know I heard this one today terrible scandal apparently bad way back when he was governor of Arkansas Bill Clinton apparently he got really drunk one night and he had sex with Hillary [Music] [Applause] [Music] the shocking shocking thing how long have you been married seven months seven months which is a record you know I just use the first I've never been married Larry but I've never been married marriage very very this is married Maui very like he's my friend like I love hot spicy that's what Clinton says what is right we're gonna in whitewater news federal regulators quiz to Hillary Clinton at the White House this week and gave her a perfect score on the lying section she's a dirty liar you know of course they say the White House is haunted did you know that and I thought this was kind of sad I heard last night that President Clinton charged Abraham Lincoln's ghost 10,000 to sleep in his own bed so that's that doesn't seem right to me you know I mean but like the president you know has come under a lot of fire for raising money but you know you know he's good at he's good at raising money that's not a bad thing every president's done it's just the President Clinton is very very very good at it you know he has organized the past year over 100 fundraising dinners and over 200 fundraising midnight snacks did you know that is he laughing okay you're Canadian yes I am so what do you think of this whole presidential mess well I hope that the Democrats don't steal the election from the the winner you know but you like George Bush George Bush man he's a good man decent you know [Applause] he's you know he's not a lie or a crook murder or anything like that so it would be good to get that CI I think we should get the homicide out of the white house and get like a fresh start because we don't want any more murderers I think we should just go on to the next question quit me murder to God let's just go on to the next row yeah this is not my week what can I tell you oh it's not mine either I'm very nice and I don't want to hear it and this is not the place to make those accusations and you're supposed to be funny this is a live show but you have been properly chastised by bars the next you will not be invited back if you don't shut up [Applause] all right Matt manslaughter to do the show you know I gotta say I felt kind of weird you know I don't know if you remember this but I used to actually be on this show I used to do the Weekend Update news routine you remember that and that's what I did the make-believe news jokes you know that was me right so then a year and a half ago right I had a sort of a disagreement with the management at at the NBC I wanted to keep my job and they felt the exact opposite so you see they like they fired me because they said that I wasn't funny you know now now with most jobs I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that but but see this is a comedy show so there you got you know but now the weird part right it's only a year and a half later and now they asked me to host the show so I wondered I go hey wait a second here hey how did I go in a year and a half from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building to being so funny that I'm now hosting the show how did I suddenly get so goddamn funny it was inexplicable to me because a year and a half let's face is not enough time for a dude to learn how to define Dan it occurred to me I haven't gotten funnier the show has gotten really bad so yeah I'm funny compared to you know how well you'll see you later okay so let's recap the bad news is I'm still not funny the good news is the show blows alright folks we got a bad show for you today dr. Dre Snoop Doggy Dogg attended a bar here [Applause]

Channel: I'm not Norm

Views: 2,353,170

Rating: 4.9208798 out of 5

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Id: 3mtfa0iyeM0

Length: 15min 10sec (910 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 23 2018