Jim Jefferies -- Airplane Etiquette -- Fully Functional

let's tell some stories yeah this first story the first bit of this story should already know in the same way that you know things like don't kill people try not to rape when you're on an airplane there's a thing called plane etiquette and it goes like this window gets an armrest and a wall middle gets two arm rests aisle gets an armrest and a little bit of extra leg we're not [ __ ] animals we live in a society so i was on a flight from los angeles to houston and i had the middle seat and that sucks balls so sitting there with two armrests next to me is a petite young lady she's doing her job armrest wall i'm in the middle two armrests sitting next to me here is a great big black man who's as gay as the day is long he sits down next to me and we do the niceties hello hello and then with no issue whatsoever he sees my elbow there and he just went chuck and i went no i'm pretty upset but he's a big [ __ ] guy and it's a long flight so there's no need to get into an argument so i have that argument that you have in your head where the other person doesn't know you're having an argument where you're like you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] and if you said this then i would say well good sir i think you're mistaken right so i sit there festering for like 45 minutes and eventually the air stealers comes with a drink cart now why am i air stewardesses right whenever you watch a movie set in the 60s and they show air stewardesses or an old tv show they'd show like pam am or something they always depict airshield as these hot young things with a pillbox hat and a little bun and big tits and a small waist and hauling a bag i don't think any of those women have retired yes this thing was just being propped up by the drink carton 50 years of recycled air and made her skin drip off her skull like the end of raiders of the lost ark she comes up the guy reaches over for his drink and his pretzels arm rest open bang i'm back in and i'm not [ __ ] going anywhere either he puts all of his things down in his tray and he goes to put his elbow back but he [ __ ] can't can he he can't because there's a wall there called jim jeffries and he can't [ __ ] move it right and he's pushing he's pushing and i'm acting like i can't feel it like this but casual like like then he gets his fist like this and he's hand like that and he's pushing really hard back and i'm trying to do that casual but he's much bigger than me and eventually i have to give in i just went shock so i turned to him and said what needed to be said why are you such a [ __ ] now i understand that that word in this country isn't as popular as maybe it should be people were freaking the [ __ ] out they were going he did he just said it i heard him say it called that man a c-bomb i heard him say it bob called the man to see bomb bob and he was shocked as well he turned to and went excuse me why did you just call me put in for a penny in for a pound right and i was there going a cancer i called you a [ __ ] and he said are you upset because you're trying to take my arm rest and i went you don't know plain etiquette window gets an armrest and a wall middle gets too armrest aisle gets an armrest and a little bit of extra leg we're not [ __ ] animals we live in a society and the people that initially hated me agreed with me like he is right about that that is true that is true we do live in a society he went oh i'm only taking the back of the armrest you can have the rest of the arm rest and i went you take the back you take the whole [ __ ] thing no one gives a [ __ ] about the front of the armrest no one's ever gone thanks for the fatty arm raise i said it's not just that you're taking my armrest your elbow has come over the armrest and it's digging into my rib cage and he said well maybe if you lost some weight i know i was i was gobsmacked i didn't know what to [ __ ] say i just turned to him when you [ __ ] queen now everyone on the plane has lost their [ __ ] [ __ ] the movie the movie can [ __ ] off mate no one's watching the [ __ ] movie i'm the entertainment now the airship comes running back on her walker she comes up to us and she goes what's going on here and i said i want this [ __ ] [ __ ] away from me and she said sir this is not the situation to be swearing in i went yes it is we're having a fight and she went well there's no need for name calling i called the guy [ __ ] queen so i sort of get what she's saying and i turned her and said you know what you're right there is never a need for name calling but as a proud gay man myself i feel like i've earned the right to say such words so she apologized the gay guy knows i'm [ __ ] lying he's fagging the [ __ ] out just and the answer is can everyone calm down what's the problem here and he went he's trying to take my arm rest and the issue is when everyone knows the middle gets two arm rests and i went see she goes i'm gonna have to break you two up and she points the man said sir you're going to have to find a seat at the back of the plane i'm victorious i stand up i bash my head on the thing i pointed the man and i went get to the back of the plane now a lot of people on that plane hadn't seen the rest of the argument all they have seen is me pointing at a black man yelling get to the back of the plane things got real awkward real [ __ ] quick i didn't know what i'd done yet people were yelling at me calling me a racist and i was like i know but how do you know then a guy threw a bag of peanuts in the back of my head and said sit down your limey bastard and i was like that's the british i'm australian you [ __ ] racist which would have made a lot of sense if being british or australian was a race and not a nationality but at that stage i was clutching at straws really so i go sit back down in his old chair we got the empty seat between us me and the girl pounded out now later on the flight i'm walking up the back of the plane to the toilet and i want to see the guy because i want to go can i get all the way to the back of the paint i don't see him anywhere i'm about to go in the toilet and then i see his leg around the corner there were no more seats this is a full flight he's sitting in the air with his landing seat that folds down with a seat belt over the top like he's in a [ __ ] go-kart i put my head around the corner i went no armrests here [ __ ] and the issues went you get back to your seat and run away like a child like [Laughter] so for landing i go sit back down in his old seat now the susc is taken so she's taking my own seat in the middle and she [ __ ] hates me and i'm taking both armrests [ __ ] and as we're landing a guy over the aisle leans over and goes excuse me you're jim jeffries right and i'm like yeah man how are you doing and he went i had no idea you were gay [ __ ] yeah i like [ __ ]

Channel: Jim Jefferies

Views: 6,140,732

Rating: 4.8134899 out of 5

Keywords: Jim Jefferies (TV Program Creator), jim jefferies comedian, jim jefferies funny, jim jefferies comic, jim jefferies plane etiquette, plane etiquette, jim jefferies airplane etiquette, jim jefferies legit, Legit (TV Program), airplane travel, flying, Air Travel (Transportation Mode), Airline (Industry), stand up comedy, jim jefferies fully functional, fully functional, Netflix (Business Operation), jim jefferies middle seat

Id: qFx1Cpxpx1E

Length: 9min 52sec (592 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 03 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/GunnieGraves]

Every story is funnier with an Australian accent.

[u/redls1bird]

This should air on every flight, on rotation, while parked at the gate. That way everyone is aware of the rules before take off.

[u/sunshinetime2]

At first glance I would have thought that this was a continuous clip but I just noticed that at first he sets his beer down then around the 40 sec mark it's gone.

[u/atomicrobomonkey]

We're not fucking animals, we live in a society.

I fucking love Jim Jefferies. I saw him live last year and he's awesome.

[u/drew_tattoo]

They did this so well on Legit. One of the funniest moments of the show for me.

[u/[deleted]]

Increase the speed to 1.25x in order to eliminate the drunken slurring.

[u/kayjaylayray]

The only way to beat a black person in an argument in today's racist environment is to pretend to be gay. You have to out-sensationalize the other person.

[u/[deleted]]

Geoff Nugent is funny.