It Came From Tumblr #71 | Binge Compilation

it's a beans come play [Music] okay bye the lady at the sandwich shop today was like that'd be 420 love would you like it toasted and i nodded and said blaze it and the guy working the sandwich toaster lost it you're not fake simply because you act differently depending on the person you're with different personalities bring out different aspects of your personality you're complex and multi-dimensional it's beautiful in anthropology this is called code switching and it is a completely natural thing that pretty much everyone does aka this is called being adult and learning how to interact with different groups of people hey i've been cooking for myself for a decade and i today just now for the very first time found out the difference between virgin and regular olive and that difference is important virgin has more flavor better in salads you know and regular has a high burning point and is better used for cooking i have burned so many dishes because i use virgin oil to cook when i used to have been using regular god you got to stop sacrificing the virgins just for cooking well excuse me for being on board the flavor train until i was 12 i was vegan because my parents were too and one time in like my fifth grade science class we had to draw pictures of carnivores omnivores herbivores you get the idea and like five kids drew a picture of me for herbivore and that was the moment i realized i hated public school king arthur was supposed to rise when the world's need was greater so wakey wakey someone knocked on his tomb or something inside the flower company supplying america's sudden baking obsession how king arthur flower found itself in the unlikely crosshairs of a pandemic i hate fay rules the only objective way to measure the quality of any character creation in games is can i make waluigi in this why why never changes do you ever memorize a person's voice like you can construct a sentence in your mind that that person's never said and yet you hear them say it is that a thing people can do yeah there are people that can't do that we are the chosen few we have a great power peter one of my favorite threats is you're not invited to my birthday party anymore from ages 4 to 11 it's one of the most heinous things you could say then 12 through 17 it's just embarrassing because teens think that is the most childish thing to say but from 18 onward it only gets more and more effective if only because it confuses the person you're speaking to it's like a verbal smoke bomb it catches them off guard and disorients them to the point that they might not even know how to react street smarts you know the thing where red pandas just laid down on a branch and let their legs hang out and they're just like vibing they're just vibing you know man i want to be repaired i said to my little sister gods don't die and my brother ran up to me and whispered in my ear some do like he knew for sure he's six i'm so [ __ ] frightened from my life update i put him to bed and said good night and he replied it won't last and i'm fully convinced he's far more powerful than any other human being hey here's a fun fact for all my followers who follow me butter ice cream milk and cheese all come from the same animal i can't remember which animal it is right now but i know for sure it's the same one i'll give you a hint it moves ah thanks yeah it was the moose kanye west i'm running for president all of us who have already gotten used to 2020 is [ __ ] you know those days when you're like this might as well happen a very intimidating middle-class family is staring me down in panera bread because i put mac and cheese on my baguette update i told them that staring is rude and i would eat anything on this baguette including their small child i'm sorry what it's cupcake it's a cupcake goddamn it there are no cases of autism before 1930. yeah mount everest wasn't discovered till 1856 but i'm sure the [ __ ] mountain still existed replace every vowel in your url with oob or even just your name my roommate's name is joanne so her name is now jaboob danube and she's on the floor today i learned of the most famous person ever to have literally been in a pickle is horatio nelson he died at sea so the surgeon on board pickled his body and brandy to preserve it for the long trip to england two weeks into the journey gaseous pressure bursts the cask lid making nelson rise from the dead funniest [ __ ] i've ever seen there is only one gender and it's mine y'all can't have it hey mom says it's my turn on the gender yo lads now available my dudes uh oh julius looks like you've skipped your latin class hmm you know what that means i'm at a work meeting and this absolute bastard of a man is eating an apple bottom down core and all just [ __ ] crunching away like that's how humans eat apples ass [ __ ] and how i describe my mood welcome to organic chemistry where questions like where do you keep your chloroform are no longer suspicious never trust an organic chemist you ever look at macaroni and cheese and realize you are lucky because no one has tried to eat you opie are you okay oh you know the usual i'm actually pretty happy people make fun of creepypasta titles being too descriptive like i went hiking with my class and it didn't end well or something's living in my grandma's basement or i'm never taking a job on craigslist again but for someone with zero attention span descriptive titles like that are a hell of a lot more eye-catching and attention-grabbing than some poetic one or two word title that doesn't even hint at what the story is about for example creepypasta title red curtains what does that even mean i'm so bored meh next title every house on my block had a new antenna last night me immediately riveted needs to know what happened or else i will die oh my god who put them there what are they doing there where did they come from what and a new title the real reason silly putty isn't available for prime two-day shipping does this not strike instant curiosity into your hearts i was recently told to google the official bird over nando beach this has improved my quality of life immensely it is the goodyear blimp adopted in 1983. beautiful don't judge a book by its cover should be updated to don't judge a book by its movie meanwhile the percy jackson fandom [Music] i overheard these two guys in the hallway at my school one of them was like you always look hot dude no homo though and then five seconds later he held psych and then slapped the other dude's ass aw imagine you're otp today is going to happen are you is this a threat definitely a threat today i learned a new color eigengrowl is a shade of grey that we all can see but never knew what it was called the color is visible when you open your eyes in a pitch-black room all you need to do is find the darkest room in your house walk in close your eyes for a minute open them and you will see it you won't trick me demon oh yes i have a new color in my winezella come down and take a look ah that's a golden tag right there ben and jerry's is a dangerous ice cream capitalizes on the evolutionary human instinct to dig for chunks and before you know it half the pint is gone wait people sleep with their doors closed yo if growing up in really old new england houses has taught me anything it's that you have to sleep with the doors closed so that the ghost that roamed the rest of your house won't disturb you i had it up to here with you elizabeth you know the phrase no matter skill will protect you from the sheer luck of a chronic dumb ass popped into my head and if that ain't a big mood trademark i don't know what is dungeons and dragons a summary okay for real kids who grew up with these room plus bathroom combinations don't know how good they had it i had an entire floor to myself and then there's this [ __ ] today i learned pepsi was originally called brad's drink still is now i'm going to change my name to get some pepsi now it's my drink god two words stingray skeletons oh my stars and garters how have we been sleeping on ocean skeletons we need to awake the ocean's skeleton fandom i mean what on holy this is a pufferfish skeleton this is a butterfly fish skeleton this is a more fish cytoskeleton i can't have a sexy fish from finding nemo yeah check out a muller mullet skeleton this makes me inexpressibly angry i'm gonna throw a damn chair are we ignoring the fact that goat called gill sexy judge all you want but the fact remains you knew exactly which fish i was talking about you may not like it but i said sexy fish and that's where your brain went we both have to live with our sins i hate it when you're right do you honestly think i enjoy it i hate it i used to eat mcdonald's every day until i found out what they really used to make their cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets i can't believe i put all that poison in my body okay but did you die you think being gay is hard try telling people you're only attracted to clowns you know nazis is a main cute sis there's literally no possible response i can make to this when i come out a winner i've never been owned this hard before i think i legally owe you money now why do people ever buy the hard cookies when there are also the soft cookies is my question i am getting one-word responses to this such as crunch and weapon hi nice meeting you well you know what on second thought [Music] hey remember in 2016 when clown attack panic was a thing and then two years later i managed to leave no lasting indent in the american psyche how does that work the clowns won this reply terrifies me more than religion or mortality ever good hades bae what's wrong persephone drunk scratching two of cerberus's heads and weeping i don't have enough hands you have successfully collected zero potatoes top 10 sentences that make you burst into tears ah that's not again i've always thought my life was a tragedy but now i realize it's a cringe compilation did you mean hamlet how dare you make my post funnier yo you either get in the voice call and talk about avatar the last airbender or we cannot vibe bro i just failed the studio for their midterm grade and they just sent me an email that just says bruh like deadass bruh respectfully can we appreciate them respectfully though sorry bro but according to my calculations you now have to kiss me on the lips bro it's in the math right here i checked it with the calculator and everything kiss me stop by the lab we have hand saunas piper boys piper boy hats the vibe check extreme merry-go-round and evil jello do not listen to this post they will not let you eat the jello remember when i was temporarily blind and my mom took me shopping but i got lost in the parking lot and ended up confused and in a hole and she just took pictures instead of helping me this was wild from start to finish today i learned abandoned footwear has its own wikipedia article for some reason which is not nearly as cool as the phenomenon of abandoned staircases being discovered in national forests all around the world but also not nearly as creepy as all the detached human feet regularly discovered off the coast of canada i can't believe your kira was on family feud [ __ ] everyone at the farmer's market wishes to know me connolly posts on here like everyone at the farmer's market wishes to know me carnally 25 000 notes i can't tell if it was written out of spite or if this actually just lined up target acquired dumbass mode engaged god i feel like you need to know this even though you don't know me but i have a pet earthworm named and their favorite food is honestly you both have the same kind of chaotic energy reading this was both punishment and absolution muggleborn's accidentally calling dumbledore gandalf muggleborn's purposely calling dumbledore gandolf and then dumbledore looks him dead in the eyes and says call me that one more time and you shall not pass this is why i love my phantom like seriously words i use in every sentence no stop dude literally like seriously [ __ ] that's a sentence right there forwards and backwards you can rearrange them in any order it'll be a sentence ladies and gentlemen the extensive vocabulary of tumblr my life's so cute because we both love animals so much but her way is very pure and genuine whereas my family is me holding up my cat stinky no don't be mean sticky bastard man no and my mother not looking up from chopping veggies naughty boy brat cat nah i have the b-movie script memorized my friends are telling me i should recite a couple minutes for the talent show even better is that i'm a speed talker at around 420 a words per minute so i can get even more of the script done hi what's your talent reciting the b movie script excuse me what i said reciting the b movie script just just give them the trophy they wanted please have mercy some tumblr jokes are utterly embarrassing to say in public but today i said to someone both of you to assume i have dignity and i won't lie it was the most powerful i felt in years i was in the car with my family and my mom was talking about how much time she thinks our generation waits on the internet or whatever and i was explaining how i use the internet to read and curate most interests and hobbies and expand my social horizons etc and she was like well fine if that's how you want to live you can just waste all your time on the internet if that's what you want but i beg to differ and without thinking i just said then beg and the car went silent until we got home it was the biggest power move i have ever made to date tutorial brush him thank you i learned a lot you know where the dearest taco bell is you're down to the left of the woof july 11th 2019. i have their time does anyone else ever take an earphone out to tell a joke that they just came up with but then realize that everyone in the room is straight so won't get it i have a problem i'm stuck in a house with my straight family and they're moderately supportive but they don't get the memes you dig i was just waiting for my snack crap but everything changed when the fire nation attacked this looks like something out of a freaking sims game watch out superhero lock there's a new trinity in town the shreex movie no thank you today i learned that once your gps unit realizes it's traveling faster than 1200 miles per hour at an altitude higher than 60 000 feet it will automatically shut itself down in fear that is being used in an international ballistic missile-like application me trying to find the all these at 2 am and my 747 commercial airliner this again the lp should be worded differently because this makes me feel like the gps has an ai and can feel fear shh it's all right the villain said you're doing beautifully and i'm so proud of you but that's enough now it was cruel of them to make you fight me you could have never won it's not your fault the ancient and powerful villain may have had a calm and gentle face as he spoke but he was furious not at the hero but the gods for continually sending kids and teenagers to fight their battles hey yo what's a [ __ ] cheeseburger we got small medium large what flavor you want cute gender-neutral things to call your partner significant annoyance i love capitalizing words that do not need to be capitalized at all so that you read them in that important voice you know what's absolutely gorgeous brown eyes with a dark ring around the iris we should romanticize that more i have blue eyes with a dark ring around the iris make your own pose this one's for brown eyes oh no it's not romantic it's the last thing people see jesus cross that got dark vest fact of the day zebra stripes are not always black and white sometimes they are black and orange this is a giraffe beds are overrated just sleep on the couch wait you can cuddle better on beds couches are overrated just sit on the bed dude but like romantically babe but like platonically sweetheart but like rivalry bastard well like partner and darling but i can't stand you soft rocks can you imagine though you send your enemies a rather large amount of these in various sizes you have no return address or explanation they open all the boxes to discover these wondrous pillows they are reluctant to keep them but eventually they give in and integrate them into their home like the above pictures after a few weeks or even months they've gotten accustomed to having them in their home and routinely relax in large pile of the odd pillows until one night you just take every single one back and replace them with actual rocks of the same dimensions so that when it's time for them to relax and unwind from their day to day fall into a pile of hard unmoving boulders they break their spine and are paralyzed you have won what the [ __ ] is wrong with you this sounds like a doctor who episode your package has been delivered well we would never drive in your [ __ ] house unlike fedex official when you need fast delivery we come through i am 20 years old and i still have no idea how girls make hats out of towels after they shower this is the most innocent yak i've ever seen this lifted my spirits a little one time my brother tried to yank away my towel hat and was promptly horrified when i yelled in pain i didn't know your hair was in there he cried boys wait your hair is in the twisty part roses are red his name is peppy he runs so fast because he make a big step an orangutan traveling at non-euclidean speeds erupts from the aether to clothesline you into another dimension okay what's the point of that ways to look more angelic carry flowers everywhere pink a gold eye shadow wear long ankle dresses soft humming hmm and have a pink glowy blush you could also wheel the flaming sword or be covered in eyes three pairs of wings a wheel or announce your arrival by screaming fear naughts wherever you go i recently heard the phrase the human version of tangled earphones and i've honestly felt that describes most people in my social group that's how i describe my best friend and my least favorite person today i went to a coffee shop fully mastered and legal i'm from the uk and i witnessed this barista do you want your coffee hot or iced dude well i'm not gay so hot okay sorry that's 350. it turns me what about you i'll have an iced latte and that look on that dude's face i don't know why or how it made him feel that way but i've never felt more powerful in my life fyi the name dennis is derided from dying isis that is all this this means dennis denny's is absolutely the domain of a god of chaos and revelry everything suddenly makes so much sense okay didn't 4chan create some shitty anime girl or was that some sort of horrifying fever dream oh do you mean the shitty anime girl that was supposed to be everything that could be seen as my way put together into a collective beast known as moetron jesus christ you could see the suffering in its eyes oh looks like someone's not practicing social distancing guru guess you'll be infected by the cowona virus stay the [ __ ] homer who is that officer shoot him yo this is the old age we deserve riding a train with a spear eye patch and live crow today is today he's just on a quest that's just odin just another ordinary day on the public transportation probably a wednesday i get it today i learned the beatles approached stanley kubrick to direct a lord of the rings movie starring themselves token killed the project as a result of his hate for the beatles a hate developed after moving three doors down from the beatles in 1964 who irked him with the indescribable noise from their practice sessions a man who spent hundreds of pages describing trees and meals and worked out the linguistics of multiple fictional languages and entire cosmology of his fictional world called the beatles rehearsal sounds indescribable today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said thanks and half of me tried to say you're welcome and the other half tried to say no problem and i ended up saying your problem mood somebody's playing a piano it's midnight here why update i figured out they're playing my heart will go on update i just opened my door and yelled jack the music stopped and i could hear somebody running down the hall above me shouting rose oh my god can i ship it no it'll sink you when the sun hits the pelican's beak at the right angle you can see inside of it he's just trying to find his son maybe i should do the boo radley challenge where i stay in my house for 25 years and never leave ah this is the greatest literary reference i've ever read look at these super awesome opal cubes oh i wanna put these in my mouth real bad but i know they're rock so i'm getting pissed off judge do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth me no what do i do power move of the century i looked this up because i wanted to know if you could and you can technically but you're instantly guilty of contempt of court and go directly to jail ah trial speed run proceeds to break a glass bottle okay who wants to fight accidentally cut someone oh my god are you okay this post is so canadian yeah but i live in texas you're definitely canadian i'm a [ __ ] canadian one of us one of us what's going on one of us one of us one of us

Channel: P.M. Seymour

Views: 636,114

Rating: 4.9729066 out of 5

Keywords: voice, audio, P.M. Seymour, comedy, reading, discord, twitter, tumblr, social media, posts, reading posts, late night blogging, blogging, editing, not for kids

Id: AahytfOwNOU

Length: 22min 33sec (1353 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 17 2020