It Came From Tumblr #77 | Binge Compilation

it's plain convolution you know how this works by now just asking the comments somebody will catch you up okay bye only weird people in grooms wear white suits if you see a man in a white suit and he doesn't have a girl also in a white dress with him then make sure you're careful oh cookie kill you kill you i'm so sorry i didn't mean it i'm so sorry i used to carry on those little bottles of maple syrup on my purse when i lived in texas i'd have people send them to me so i can use them in a place drive good syrup alex are you sure you don't actually live in canada look somebody thousands of dollars on medical debt positive dna spells named for the wizard who developed them nearly always take the form of developer's name adjective noun in example otto's irresistible dance therefore mike's hard lemonade is a wizard's spell in this essay i will you know the funny thing about tumblr is that the people who write the first of all this is extremely insulting and dangerous because profanity late and otherwise flawless as they say for being factually completely wrong and it turns out to be a self-righteous 14 year old girl who heard half a fact and ran with it and then there's someone posting sometimes the toads must go to toad prison for their horde goblin crimes and it's a 34 year old with a phd in amphibian behavior studies they are a doctor so clearly they do have to go to toe jail oh my god you guys link is a highly versatile adventurer who wears light armor and consistently plays an instrument and usually has access to magic items and occasionally some spells link is a bard this makes them only one of the handful of bards with the ability to shut the [ __ ] up holy [ __ ] you know people often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven what did all those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment well dog heaven is also square hell it's a very efficient system he can't stop [ __ ] laughing at the thought of squirrels sitting so much in the mortal plane that they have to be sent to squirrel hell to a tone i'm sorry a little fictional character become important to me i didn't do it on purpose my friend just sent me this and i felt that hey [ __ ] self shipper we all feel this since coffee is a drug starbucks is a pharmacy that also sells snacks now i just want to see all my baristas in plague dr masks starbucks can you make this happen for halloween please today i learned if you got shrunk down to the size of an ant not only would everything look bigger to you but the world would also appear almost a million times darker light would no longer appear straight meaning that the world around you would be covered in a haze of blurriness and shadow wow hope that doesn't happen i'm upset why is there maple milk and waffle cones but not maple ice cream seriously i need to talk to the ceos of flavors there's hot dog ice cream but not maple ice cream wait what oh there is definitely maple ice cream well i have to go to new hampshire now don't i come on over man we got maple syrup everywhere it's great it's like canada but patriot canada but could you imagine a pie getting thrown in your face funny [ __ ] i ever visualized i know ah 1920s humor there are no rules in the world just expectations that have punishments for not meeting them okay i swear the [ __ ] you guys stop murdering everyone we've been over this okay well minecraft villages have two different types of churches now so i'm assuming the villagers had a protestant reformation testificate martin luther put the 95 hmms on an oak door in the form of a lot of signs like a lot of signs many signs got signs coming out the wazoo over here today's gender of the day is sea captain listed on all me legal documents i wish i had crab legs weight correction i wish i had crab legs to eat not not not to replace my legs with tumbler seriously can't believe we have to do this now we make eye contact and i connect to the wifi in your brain and i delete half of your memories and make you left-handed but i am left-handed and i already have a poor memory so good luck finding anything worth deleting wait a minute i just accidentally invented a new idiom maybe licking a tree and hoping for maple syrup aka a attempt at resolving or achieving something with less effort than is required for success and a high probability of proving it merely futile and faintly unpleasant i can support this as a turn of race a girl in one of my classes sent out an email saying you'll be having a furry classmate this semester and my heart stopped but she was talking about her service dog me i like got this platoon stuck on my ceiling and i'm not able to get it down so you're not gonna believe what object dislodged itself from the ceiling and began its descent to the floor creating a meaty schlapp sound upon impact waking me up in the tender hours of night i can hear this and i don't like it vegans just make peace with honey no just shut up do it vegans will pretend not to hear when natives tell them their agave products are unsustainable because they have whimsical feelings about and i cannot stress this enough the freedom of hive insects i mean honey's literally murder but go off okay prove it they literally puked their guts out to make your honey i'm sorry [ __ ] what did you just say i have not seen any evidence they are harmed or die in the process of production they do regurgitate the nectar as part of the process to concentrate it into honey it's an interesting process but they do not suffer any injury during this process if they did the cost to produce honey which is done naturally as a measure to survive over winter and through times of lower availability would outweigh the benefits if you kill several bees to produce enough honey to make one more bee it makes no sense any animal that did that would die even with human intervention do you have any sources let's suggest otherwise i'd be interested to hear of this relatively publicly available information was false or misunderstood well okay bee farmers use what's called a honey maker it's a crude device it's similar to a meat grinder they force the bees in and grind them up what comes out is a paste that paste is later filtered into what we know is honey oh my [ __ ] god what did this person just say out loud this is this is truly this is the funniest thing i've ever read please show us pictures of your bee grinder okay they might be falsely thinking about a honey extractor machine but all these do is you place the beehive frames inside and a motor rotates it at a speed that removes the honey which is then tapped through a tap at the bottom do they think they put bees in that and spin them around until they vomit oh shit's bee carnival bad and naughty bees get put into the bee centrifuge to extract their honey okay but seriously vegans are coming after beekeepers is one of my major teeth grinding annoyances for many reasons because there's so many lies and to go one step further because it's such a waste you see the strongest vegan argument is that they don't want to exploit animals or take from them without their consent but bees consent no i'm not kidding how beehives aren't kept on leashes they're outside the bees can travel miles every day they follow their queen who is also outside not on a leash and can travel miles every day if she doesn't like the high for any reason for example it got too hot too cold too messy to fill the sugary stuff and they need more space then the queen leaves and with her the hive the queen stays in the hive because the hive is the best place to live period done end of if the hive is staying with the beekeeper it's because the keeper is doing their job correctly and keeping them happy because the bees can and do leave bad bee keepers of all the animals we've domesticated as livestock bees are the ones you can most easily argue are consenting participants in their keeping okay but we are gonna just ignore the fact that this absolute personification of the term bra moment believes or at least tried to convince people that honey is the result of putting bees in a blender okay back to dumb posts like totally sucks today someone at the rock gym came up to me and asked if i was the girl who fell off the bouldering wall face first into the mat and muttered oh [ __ ] i can't believe i've done this for a minute this was not supposed to be my legacy so i run frantically into kroger to get ketchup before my mcnuggets get cold and as i stand at the self-checkout with only a jumbo bottle of heinz tomato ketchup everyone starts [ __ ] laughing at me like what the hell then i remember i'm wearing the shirt i'm so [ __ ] pissed off right now you know in hinds site you should have checked what you were wearing people who don't cook the cereal don't realize what they're missing out on the heat of the flames really brings out the sweetness of the marshmallows okay opie i'm coming to your home to beat you in the face and ass where are the neco girls i need to pat their heads we're still working on that then work faster god damn it oh when that finally does happen could i bring my cat girl girlfriend into this not pet friendly apartment i think the real question is should you i think outdoor cat girls are better oh my god how many times we have to have this discussion there's no such thing as an outdoor cat girl outdoor cat girls are a danger to both themselves and the environment they have significantly shorter life spans and disturb the ecosystem if your cat girl wants to go outside you accompany her hold your hand or better yet let her ride piggyback but do not let her go outside alone my friend let her cat girl go outside on a company once and she disturbed a magical girl battle throwing off the balance of the universe please do not let your cat girl outside um excuse me magical girls are an invasive species and only free hunting by cat girls controls their population at all all right listen introducing an apex species like cat girls and into an environment to take care of an invasive species never works because it always results in them ignoring what we intend for them to hunt in favor of easier more accessible endemic species like a self-insert harem anime protagonist but god we saw that enough when they tried introducing rival antagonists to take care of the invasive shojo protagonist population in australia and they just wound up going after a completely different species entirely the side ponytail moms an environment with no natural predators y'all really got to do some research into the history of introducing invasive anime species into your environments and keep your cat girls indoors where they're safer and unable to cause environmental harm what the [ __ ] did i just read all right am i stroking okay stay out of pmc more videos or draw 25. slowly pulls the entire deck of uno cards into my chest you're going to need more cards oh man oh golly oh lord oh geez oh man i sure [ __ ] up my skyrim so badly oh god oh god luigi this isn't weird i'm back from vacation let's do this show my friends how i eat bananas sometimes and it was a unilateral thanks i hate it they hate it and yet it is the most brilliant way i've ever seen a banana eating in my life today i learned horses actually has up to 15 horsepowers these powers include horse levitation horse pyrokinesis and the scurnger nobody is immune to the neck kiss well that's how vampires get you yeah and coward white people baby damien culture peaked when bella really named her kid were nem anemone this is false information her name is renegade no it's remy lot like like the sauce spelling the admin next up your word is fergalicious definition make them boys go loco do you reproduce by splitting no i cough up eggs like a namekian my son the term aeroace is especially lovely because it also sounds like arrow ace are you an aromantic and asexual or are you an incredibly skilled and deadly archer surprise you're both literally nothing is funnier than living your life with a cat and a sweater vest constantly feels like he's about to offer to do my taxes i was trying to finish this post while i sat in a bar stool next to mine beeping at me for attention and when the attention didn't come quickly enough he put his paws on my shoulder and slapped me in the face which is again infinitely funnier when your cat is wearing a sweater vest it's like i'm being bullied by the world's smallest accountant my grasp on my gender identity is currently equivalent to my grasp on what day of the week it is nebulous constantly shifting not quite completely discernible but somehow overwhelmingly tuesday today i learned even though newborn kittens are born blind deaf and helpless they still hiss the potential threats the bastard instincts why that well-dressed fellow in the corner we call him the gentleman thief why just last year he single-handedly stole more than 40 gentlemen not to be confused with the gentleman thief who was very kind while stealing your man jolene you sigh and all your teeth click around like wind chimes this is an act of malice uh i love the smell of bisexuality in the morning mom i need to tell you something i'm mixed berry sorbet when someone compliments me ah yes when someone compliments me i too make a loud jarring noise hey i like your shirt being a creative on tumblr culture is going through all the 24 reblogs on your post with 357 notes just to get enough serotonin to get through your day by reading what the five gods sent people who left tags wrote i mean yeah they have learned rather quickly that i provide breakfast on a regular schedule was five minutes late and got told for it yo tell your slippers they need to calm down you know like some artists and stuff will draw tears as like really big droplets and stuff i want that i'm tired of crying on these tiny stupid tears i want large tears that are like the size of my fingernails that's the good stuff big cheery goth girlfriend friendly reminder that ed ate an entire slide because there's a pebble in his shoe well what else are you supposed to do from here on out to avoid confusion i'm going to end any joking statement i write on tumblr.com with a large high-res photograph of a clown to indicate that it's written in jest you you're joking right do you see a clown okay current john mulaney is great but seeing pictures from his childhood is just so adorable pov your princess diana for a split second i thought this was the one strike don'ts you ever compared john mulaney to the once there again i know some naughty words that really knock your socks off but i'm not wearing socks well then i know some caring words that'll put socks on you tradition is just peer pressure from dead people i want this on a bumper sticker pregnancy is a hoax the baby sprouts out of the ground i've seen it happen people pretend to be pregnant for clout it started with one woman named dvd and people have been chasing the same high sense i'm sorry i meant eve i got tiny little hands but they're beautiful adrian shine the leader of the loch ness project looks exactly like how i imagined the leader of the lochness project look like what a masterpiece of a photo he looks like he knows everything sitting here having to rub feet on a calf to get a nervous mom to lick it and bond with it the human equivalent would be rubbing some good food on a baby so a mom loves it the doctor hands me a newborn's son and i decide i don't like him actually so he just hits him with a pie like clowns do my favorite thing about the contrast between early christianity and ancient greek and roman religion is that the difference in the ways they think and talk about their gods is really similar to the difference between how dog and cat owners talk about their pets early christians are like this is our god he's omnipotent and omniscient and he's better than all of the other gods the greeks are like this is our party god dionysus he got into an argument with a bunch of frogs once and we love him [ __ ] silverfish if those are the little bug things that look like centipedes then yeah [ __ ] i'm on my [ __ ] god i hate them so much oh in minecraft i thought you were talking about like real ones wait what do you mean real ones where do you think the name came from oh i don't know tumblr user plump 9000 i sort of thought they weren't real like endermen or creepers implying endermen aren't real really not liking when you're blind but people who hide their phone from you while using it probably don't have anything bad they probably just don't want to be judged i mean i just want to look at my food okay yeah i bet people don't understand that i'm joking 800 of the time honestly i can't tell if you're joking 800 isn't a thing you know that right if i had five dollars every time my anxiety brain acted up over nothing i'd have a consistent income yeah i have this weird theory that some people are drawn towards each other because their atoms were near each other when the universe was created and over time the same atoms keep coming back together did did you just scientifically explain soul mates took a nap and had a dream that i got in a hypo-realistic tattoo of a band-aid just so that i could cover it with a real band-aid when people would ask what happened i'd say it's kind of weird are you sure you want to see and then i dramatically ripped the band-aid off to reveal my tattoo of a band-aid classic astral blamed me oh oh don't tempt me like this finding out bo burnham is six foot five and not five eleven has absolutely killed me today the concept of some goliath twink pacing around the stage yelling absurdities and throwing glitter is tricking my fight-or-flight response i'm sorry he's what now me sitting at the table with a six-foot lobster a massive eel a tree possessed by a dead child a cactus that murders people a ninja acorn in a goust with two floating arms ah yes good old family dinner i see you talking about pokemon over there kids these days are such a wimps back in my day the sky was red and i was scared oh [ __ ] it's red you know who's gay paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and davey who's still in the navy and probably will be for life [Music] new head cannon everyone in that song is gay except the piano man who has no idea he's playing at a gay bar and the staff and regulars are having a betting pool on how long it'll take for him to finally figure it out so far john is ahead okay but that makes the man what are you doing here line way funnier the hot new character trend in gaming an amorphous capsule with legs who may or may not be planning to screw over their companions i don't go to either but i love them gentle reminder that the human eye is naturally drawn by noise and movement so next time you walk into a crowd or a bit late into a lecture or something like that they're not staring at you or judging it's just an instinctive reaction that has nothing to do with you doing anything wrong this really helps my anxiety thank you it's time to stop mourning the death of tumblr for i have made tumblr two oh [ __ ] it's tumblr two baby tumblr two is a direct violation of copyright on tumblr one sincerely by david carp david carp has the signature of a seven-year-old writing their own name with a computer mouse and ms paint that has the sensitivity too high up how the [ __ ] do people still fall for pyramid screams just don't open the [ __ ] sarcophagus and the mummy can't hypnotize you seriously how hard is that to [ __ ] up gen x told me you have to pick your battles denzi well i'm full of rage and i'm picking all of them adopt me clears negative energy in the rooms oh my god it's a quartz goodbye why did healies die why were we so afraid of progress they got banned literally everywhere healies didn't die they were killed by the government make no mistake not only are by party rocking but i'm also in the house tonight are you shuffling every day clown names and clown names that are evil ah my mutuals versus my block list how dare you be funnier than my post some fools be like i play games to escape my responsibilities then pick a tank or healer in my greatest fantasies i am able to help people oh there's only one mountain whatever is the tallest part of this earth planet everything else is just the base of the mountain i disagree okay but think about agreeing with me next time worm guys pucky's on to something here a cunning vampire door-to-door salesperson who stands in the people's doorway and talks until they find a convenient moment to drop their pen and the person picks it up and the vampire says oh thank you and the person says you're welcome and the vampire smiles a big fancy grin and steps inside and that's this vampire's modus operandi for decades and then the language starts to change and suddenly millennials have holmes and the vampire thanks him and they say oh no problem and the vampire's like that was not the plan honestly the most unbelievable part of this is millennials have hopes the second most unbelievable thing is that the millennials just don't offer themselves up to die one of our players accidentally mispronounced another character's name shakira dm without missing a beat your hips have permanent disadvantage on all deception checks get it guys guys guys important announcement look at them i'm babies why does people say chicken as a term for coward have you ever met a chicken cause those things will [ __ ] you up man i love it when my friends send me memes of fandoms i'm not in like great meme love them very funny but what the [ __ ] are they talking about though google translate post says i am glad my lord sent me a letter which i did not follow loved them as a good letter so funny but what this is better than my post norwegian cat chasing a fox look at those majestic idiots i love that you can clearly tell from the expression who is chasing who as a german kid i used to wonder why our radio stations like to play the american national anthem so much until a friend explained to me that country road to take me home is not in fact your guys's national anthem whoops tony hawk is like [ __ ] perry the platypus because if i saw him without a skateboard i'd be like oh man then the second he picks up a skateboard i'd be like tony hawk my toddler almost never addresses me as mom or mommy he only does when he's annoyed or angry i know we can he just doesn't so this morning he was following me around calling me a dexter over and over and over holding my face mouth in front of my eyes absolutely addressing me finally he said play baby shack and i realized what was going on my mom got a fire tv cube for christmas calling me alexa and demanding i play baby shark so this is his first complete verbal request for something and he called me alexa why this is a short horror story actually it makes a lot of sense and to be honest it isn't that weird it's a behavior that needs correcting to be sure but it isn't that strange that he learned to do that the toddler has probably repeatedly witnessed the adults say alexa thing and notice that request almost always gets honored in his mind he's connecting the phrase with a desired task being completed so he's trying to imitate the adults around him in order to complete his desired task he doesn't know any better because he's a toddler and doesn't recognize alexa as being a name he just assumes that's what you say when you want something because that's what the adults around him have taught him he's mimicking and it's perfectly normal and unexpected and healthy behavior if you don't like it then you should probably blame the startling amount of people that use things like alexa like literally this is happening because of the adults and has nothing to do with the toddlers what they're doing is completely normal child behavior in his toddler mind alexa is a super effective version of please my experience with digital art merge the layer crunk do we even have that layer you're gay they shouted dude you're gay i ignored them it wasn't until i got home that i realized my gay had escaped those kind men were trying to tell me he was running away grammar jokes juliet gazed across her balcony and said it's over romeo i have the high ground welcome to applebee's would you like apples or bees beasts i think of the bees of how the devil went down to georgia which either implies that the devil is a northerner or that georgia is lower than hell as a southerner yes terrible character ideas a monk based on a european christian archetype they have sworn a secret oath to defeat the giant snail plaguing the countryside a dragonborn desperately trying to convince the party that they're actually a cokra with a skin condition that made their feathers fall out you're standard horny bird but they play a washboard a sentient hat piloting a mannequin a dark elf who's afraid of the dark and terrify of spiders a peasant farmer who joined the adventure because they're going through a midlife crosses and want to find themselves a druid who got involved because they're the party's weed dealer and a werewolf who doesn't believe in the moon i'll pee change the titles to great when will the clown settings happen again that was fine look in the mirror and they could start to die [ __ ] i wasn't ready for a murder in this what's the most cursed but cute fun fact you know pucky cats the furry little critter everyone loves actually poops how how's that cursed what you like poop you little poop lover gross if you die because i poison you how is that my fault like i'm sorry you aren't immune to my poisons i think that's genuinely something you need to work on fix yourself before blaming others do you get it writing prompt on everyone's 18th birthday they receive a letter from their future selves some receive long messages about their future lovers or messages about changes they would have made yours contains nothing but a small list of locations and the words never visit well you think i know myself better than this you say typing the first set of coordinates into your gps it's only an unpaid internship if you don't steal enough office supplies stealing is wrong gold you mean unpaid internships i agree go for the prince honor it's worth more than gold fantastic advice elephants react to humans the same way that humans react to puppies they think we're cute my life has no greater joy than knowing elephants they got cute hey hey kids you wanna buy some drugs that's basically the first interaction between humans and a snake ever yo check out this knowledge fruit it'll totally be the best thing ever wants to lead you down to a path of righteousness i'm gonna lead you down to the path that rocks ah yes irish england and australian the holy grave slash trinity of wait what are they saying i'm sorry do you have a [ __ ] problem with the way we speak well heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring the food coloring's gonna sink to the bottom of the glass and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack then you throw your tea on it in a panic then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly then the glass will shatter please take my words out of this what did you do opie a mistake

Channel: P.M. Seymour

Views: 868,294

Keywords: voice, audio, P.M. Seymour, comedy, reading, discord, twitter, tumblr, social media, posts, reading posts, late night blogging, blogging, editing, not for kids

Id: tyLWcV8Pmx4

Length: 28min 28sec (1708 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 18 2020