WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I HAVE GOT--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> FOLKS, I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU
STRAIGHT. I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS, AND I'VE GOT
BAD NEWS. THE BAD NEWS IS I LIED ABOUT THE
GOOD NEWS. AND BOTH BADS COMBINE TO BE THE
WORST NEWS: BILL COSBY HAS BEEN RELEASED FROM PRISON AFTER HIS
SEXUAL ASSAULT CONVICTION WAS OVERTURNED. <i> ( AUDIENCE BOOING )</i>
YEAH, I AGREE WITH YOU. OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY, ME
TOO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW, NO IDEA. GOT NO IDEA WHAT'S NEXT FOR
COSBY. BUT MY GUESS IS HE'S GOING TO
JOIN BILL O'REILLY AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT ON TOUR. NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR, THIS
ISN'T AN EXONERATION, COSBY IS GETTING OFF ON A
TECHNICALITY. THE RULING STEMS FROM A 2005
AGREEMENT COSBY STRUCK WITH THEN-PROSECUTOR, BRUCE CASTOR,
WHO DECLINED TO PROSECUTE COSBY IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY
DURING A CIVIL TRIAL. NOW IF THE NAME BRUCE CASTOR
RINGS A BELL IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE SAME PARAGON OF LEGAL
ETHICS WHO WENT ON TO REPRESENT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DURING HIS
SECOND SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL. ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
HIS BUSINESS CARDS JUST SAYS, "BRUCE CASTOR-- ACTUAL DEVIL'S
ADVOCATE." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
IN OTHER NEWS, THE COUNTRY IS HOT AS HELL, SO AT LEAST COSBY
HAS A PREVIEW OF THE AFTERLIFE. HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,
REAL-FEEL TEMPERATURES HIT 105 DEGREES. IT'S SO HOT, THE STATUE OF
LIBERTY DROPPED THE TOGA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THINGS-- >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! >> Stephen: THINGS ARE EVEN
HOT IN ALASKA. YESTERDAY, TEMPERATURES CLIMBED
TO AS HIGH AS 92 DEGREES, WHICH MEANS THIS YEAR, THE SALMON THE
GRIZZLIES ARE CATCHING IS FULLY COOKED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WITH A SIDE OF VEGETABLES, EVIDENTLY. IT WAS SO HOT YESTERDAY THAT
ALASKA HAD AN ICE QUAKE. THAT'S RIGHT, GLOBAL WARMING HAS
GOTTEN SO BAD THAT WE HAVE TO LEARN ALL NEW DISASTERS. NOW WE'VE GOT ICE QUAKES, SAND
RAIN, THUNDERNAMIS, LEAF HERPES, <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
GETTING STRANGLED BY A RAINBOW. THESE HIGH TEMPERATURES AND
SEVERE DROUGHT CAN CAUSE WILDFIRES, SO CITIES ACROSS THE
U.S. WEST ARE BANNING FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS. SO, PLEASE, IF YOU'RE IN THOSE
STATES, PLEASE CELEBRATE THE FOURTH RESPONSIBLY: JUST USE
WATER BALLOONS TO BLOW OFF YOUR FINGERS. PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO TRYING
TO TACKLE THE PROBLEM. TODAY HE MET WITH GOVERNORS FROM
WESTERN STATES, AND HE ANNOUNCED SOME NEW TOOLS TO PREVENT
WILDFIRES: >> NOAA HAS SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY
THAT IS ABLE TO SEE FROM SPACE WHEN NEW FIRES START. THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY HAS A
SENSOR RAY COMPUTER ANALYSIS CAPABILITY THAT CAN DETECT IN
REALTIME THE LIGHTNING STRIKES THAT MIGHT SET OFF A BLAZE. >> Stephen: WE HAVE LIGHTNING
SENSOR RAYS? THAT'S AWESOME! DO WE, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE
ANYTHING THAT CAN STOP CLIMATE CHANGE? BECAUSE I SWITCHED TO PAPER
STRAWS A YEAR AGO, AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE WORKING. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THEY COLLAPSED. THEY COLLAPSE. IT'S THE LAST DAY OF JUNE 2021,
SO, NATURALLY, EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MY
NEW SEGMENT: >> THE ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE? NO! THE LAST ELECTION JUST ENDED,
AND IT NEARLY BROKE ME! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! >> Stephen: FIRST UP--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> FIRST UP, AS ALWAYS, IOWA. YESTERDAY, THE HAWKEYE STATE GOT
AN EXPLORATORY VISIT FROM ARKANSAS SENATOR AND BUSINESS
GIRAFFE, TOM COTTON. COTTON WAS THERE TO GIVE A STUMP
SPEECH. HE SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF,
PROBABLY, BUT NO ONE'S TALKING ABOUT THAT. INSTEAD, EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON
SOMETHING HE DID WITH IOWA SENATOR AND MAN SEEING A
STRANGER SITTING ON HIS BIRD-FEEDING BENCH, CHUCK
GRASSLEY. GRASSLEY, WHO IS 87 YEARS
YOUNG-- BY WHICH I MEAN OLD-- JOINED COTTON ONSTAGE AT THE END
OF THE SPEECH, AND THIS HAPPENED:
>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT. >> Stephen: WELL, NOW WE KNOW
WHY THE REPUBLICANS OPPOSE GUN CONTROL. BANG. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! IN THERE SOMEPLACE I GOT DO HAND
IT TO CHUCK GRASSLEY. HE IS GEOFF, AND HE IS DOING A
PRETTY GOOD JOB THERE. I CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR
TOM COTTON. LOOK AT THAT FORM! GET YOUR HEAD UP! TOUCHING THE GROUND WITH YOUR
HAIR DOESN'T COUNT. TO BE FAIR, IT'S HARD TO KEEP
YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A SPINE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
BUT WHEN IT-- IS THE PIANO OKAY? >> Jon: YOU GOTTA GET IT, GET
IT! >> Stephen: BUT WHEN IT COMES
TO NEWS-MAKING SUNSHINE TO RAISE YOUR PRESIDENTIAL PROFILE,
COTTON WAS OVERSHADOWED BY SOUTH DAKOTA
GOVERNOR AND BEAUTY PAGEANT MOM CALLING YOUR TODDLER FAT,
KRISTI NOEM. YESTERDAY, NOEM ANNOUNCED SHE
WAS SENDING NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER. GOOD. OH, GOOD
FOR TOO LONG, IMMIGRANTS HAVE BEEN SNEAKING IN FROM NEBRASKA! WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT? I'M BEING TOLD SHE SENT THEM TO
THE MEXICAN BORDER. THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA CAN
DO THAT? IS THAT REALLY WHAT THE FOUNDERS
INTENDED? SHE SHOULD ASK THEM. THEY'RE FROM SOUTH DAKOTA, TOO. >> HELL, NO! >> COME ON! >> KRISTI NOEM'S DUMB AS A ROCK! >> Stephen: BUT THE STRANGEST
AND MOST UNCONSTITUTIONAL PART OF THIS STORY IS THAT NOEM IS
PAYING FOR THE DEPLOYMENT WITH A PRIVATE DONATION. FOR THE MONEY, THE DONOR GOT A
PRIVATE ARMY AND A "THIS AMERICAN JUNTA" TOTE BAG. THE PRIVATE DONATION CAME FROM
TENNESSEE JUNKYARD BILLIONAIRE AND GUY WHO'S LATE FOR A
MEETING, EVEN THOUGH HIS BEER GUT WAS EARLY, WILLIS
JOHNSON. JOHNSON IS REPORTEDLY PAYING AN
UNDISCLOSED SUM THROUGH HIS PRIVATE FOUNDATION TO SEND MORE
THAN FOUR DOZEN MEMBERS OF SOUTH DAKOTA'S NATIONAL GUARD TO THE
SOUTHERN BORDER. FOUR DOZEN? ALSO KNOWN AS THE POPULATION
OF SOUTH DAKOTA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AND IT'S NOT JUST-- SOUTH DAKOTA IT'S A BEAUTIFULIDATE. BAUTIFUL STATE. YOU'VE GOT THE BADLANDS, OTHERS. IT'SGNOT JUST COTTON AND NOEM. LOTS OF REPUBLICANS ARE ALREADY
JOCKEYING FOR THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION. TO NAME A FEW, SOUTH CAROLINA
SENATOR TIM SCOTT, FLORIDA SENATOR RICK SCOTT, AND
FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO. ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
OKAY. THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THESE NEXT
JOKES. IN FACT, POMPEO HAS ALREADY
FORMED HIS VERY OWN POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE: CHAMPION
AMERICAN VALUES PAC, OR CAV-PAC. CAV-PAC IS A FAIRLY AWKWARD
NAME, BUT NOT AS BAD AS WHAT HE'S CALLING HIS FANS AND
DONORS: "THE PIPE HITTERS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BECAUSE IF YOU THINK MIKE POMPEO SHOULD BE PRESIDENT, YOU ARE
DEFINITELY HITTING THE PIPE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪
NOW, APPARENTLY, IN THIS REGARD, "PIPE HITTER" IS A MILITARY TERM
FOR PEOPLE IN SPECIAL OPS, BUT SOME FOLKS ON THE FAMOUSLY HORNY
INTERNET HAD A DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDING OF PIPE HITTER-- A
SEXY UNDERSTANDING. SO POMPEO SET THEM STRAIGHT BY
TWEETING OUT AUDIO FROM THIS SPEECH:
>> BEST C.I.A. OFFICER THAT I EVER CAME TO KNOW. I'D ASKED HIM ABOUT SOMEONE WHO
WAS WORKING ON OUR TEAM, AND I'D SAY, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?"
OR, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?" AND HE'D SAY, "LOVE THAT GUY,
PIPE HITTER." HE MEANT THAT PERSON GOT STUFF
DONE. THEY WERE A GRINDER. THEY KEPT BANGING AWAY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: SURE. NOT SEXUAL AT ALL-- JUST A
GRINDER WHO KEEPS BANGING AWAY. "WHEN I SAY 'PIPE HITTER,' I'M
TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO ROLL UP HIS SLEEVES
AND REALLY REACH AROUND, YOU KNOW, GET HIS OR HER HANDS
DIRTY. GIVE THEM ANY HAND JOB, THEY'LL
DO IT! JUST PULLING TOGETHER UNTIL
EVERYONE'S FINISHED!" BUT<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
IF YOU-- IF YOU-- HOLD ON. NO, NOT WORTH IT. BUT IF YOU HIT PIPE, POMPEO
WANTS TO SEE IT. ON HIS WEBSITE, IT ENCOURAGES
DONORS TO JOIN HIM AS A PIPE HITTER BY WRITING OR SENDING
A VIDEO TO MIKE, WITH A HANDY PLACE TO RECORD YOUR PIPE
HITTING IN ACTION. NOW, CLEARLY, IT IS OUR DUTY TO
SUPPORT THIS MISSION. EVERYONE OUT THERE, PLEASE, SEND
MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO OF YOU HITTING PIPE-- WHATEVER THAT
MEANS TO YOU. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
SPEAKING OF WHICH, THERE'S A CONTROVERSY INVOLVING FRIEND OF
THE SHOW, CNN ANCHOR AND CONFUSED PORK CHOP, CHRIS
CUOMO. CUOMO RECENTLY RETWEETED SOME
VIEWERS WHO HAD PRAISED HIS WORK ON AIR, WHICH INSPIRED A
TWITTER CRITIC TO POST, "YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR ARM, LET'S SAY,
TO PUT IT IN CNN TERMS, GOING 360 ON YOUR OWN SITUATION ROOM." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S A VERY RUDE IMPLICATION AND, OBVIOUSLY,
THE SMART THING TO DO IS JUST IGNORE THE TROLLS. SO CUOMO RETWEETED THE
ACCUSATION OF SELF-PLEASURING WITH THIS PHOTO OF HIS BICEP AND
THE CAPTION, "THAT HOW THIS HAPPENED?! HAHAHAHA." OH, MY GOD, CHRIS! I KNOW YOU'RE PROUD OF
YOUR BODY, EVEN THOUGH I BEAT YOU IN A PUSHUP CONTEST. BUT I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO
IMPLY THAT THAT'S HOW YOU GOT THOSE MUSCLES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ALTHOUGH, IF IT IS, YOU MUST HAVE TO REALLY LIMBER UP BEFORE
LEG DAY. YOU SHOULD SEND MIKE POMPEO A
VIDEO! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE HARVEY KEITEL AND
COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
