-Alright.
We're checking out the only game where you get to be emotionally
abused by a cursed Yoshi. Ugh. It's happy wheels. Well, I wondered what that was,
and now I know. there's a lot of weird things here,
including a nice. I don't even know
how you would get a bottle in here. Are you supposed to get it into the hole
or bounce it on the finger? Let us find out together or not. Oh, I was at the top of the food chain
for literally ju-- I went from the top
of the food chain to your bad. Happy wheels is one of those games
where if you ever think that you're decent, it'll always bring you
back down to earth very quickly. Also, anytime I see something
that says do not-- Cool trash. Anytime I see something that says,
"Do not touch," I immediately want to touch it. Ugh. Okay. Ugh. It's very difficult
to keep these bottles alive. Oh, I went right off the board. Well, that's a problem. Went right off the board again. I wanna get the backside unlocked. Come on. Ah. Oh, no. Wait. This is fantastic. Well, I found out what happens
when you touch the 'Do not touch.' You get to enjoy unlimited alcoholism. Yay. Ah. Come here, Yoshi. I just wanna be friends. Ah, how the hell did I win? Oh, my god. I got it in this tiny little area. All right. Step one. Touch the 'Do not touch.' Step two- huh-
become both your mom and a pro. I don't know what this is, but I got it. I'm the world's most perfect ellipsis. I've decided what I want on this board. There's like a very small area
that you can actually bottle flip on Yoshi, and you have
to get the bottle like up his ass. It's the only place it'll sit. I'm not stopping until I get there. Luckily I'm getting pretty good
at opening up the backside. Ey. The most annoying thing
you can possibly get, the eternal bounce. I'm also two inches. I don't wanna know where these inches are. I-I-I died. Come here, Yoshi,
you little green bastard. How? I don't know. Oh, hell, yes. I am so unbelievably happy I got this. Get ready, Yoshi. Your ass is m-- Mm. Your ass is mine. Oh. Yes. I finally got the bottle up Yoshi's ass. This is called The Impossible Wheel. Okay. Guess I see where some
of the impossibility comes from. So, I guess, your suppo-- Ow. You're supposed to survive this somehow. Oh. Oh, no. I lived for like two seconds. Come on. Yes. Oh, hell. Um, okay. This is very odd because I'm still alive. Now.
It's more of a matter of how much gumption do I have to pull myself
all the way back to the winning area. And the answer is plenty. I don't care
how long I have to do this for. This was said to be impossible,
I managed it. I'm gonna sit here and throw my ass
backwards until I get there. Never underestimate a man
in a Mr. Rogers sweater. Ugh, ugh. Oh, my god. I wish there was some idea, like, something I could use
as reference to see how far I'm going with each push,
'cause I really have no-- Oh, there it is. And we have a w-w-w-winner. This is called Rope Swing Rainbow. Are those rainbow-colored katanas? Oh, hell. Yep, sure are. Great. Now I get to have my balls juggled
by etch-a-sketch-looking swords. All righty. Let's try this again. Here we go. Up through here. Am I dead? I-I did. I died. There's swords everywhere. All right. Jump, grab. Watch out for the-- Oh, god. It's a thumbnail hole just to proceed. Grab, jump. There it is. Okay. I don't know where--
I don't know where I put my hands. Three, two, one. Where should I go? Usually at the end. Yeet. Oh, my god. It's another thumbnail hole. Luckily I thought about
this ahead of time. All right. And looks like another thumbnail hole. Oh. I made it through all that just to have my head pop off on what looks like
a normal ramp. There it is. Perfect. Grab, swing. I'm dead. Getting really good at getting
through the very first thumbnail hole. All right.
About halfway. Yeah.
Like halfway. Like, right about here is the magic spot. And by magic, I mean, this spot is going to give me
an instant lobotomy. God,
I've been stabbed with a light bright set so many damn times. Oh, God. Oh, my hands are not
where they're supposed to be. Ugh, this is an unbelievably
hard rainbow board. Okay. So, just hold. Just hold. Let it slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Now. [screams] Not every day your arms fly off
your body randomly. Wasn't a big fan of that. [groans] Your board is a titanic, rainbowy, pastel-looking pain
in the sphincter. Drop. Go. Oh, yeah. Full flip. Oh. Ah. Uh. Oh, actually, this is really good. If I lose one of my legs,
I have less weight to-- [groans] , yeah. Yeah, love it. Ah, god. Come on. Rise up. Rise up, my son. Come on, Nixon, you can do this. You can do it. Come on. You're almost- you're almost there, buddy. You're almost there. You got it. Nope. [screams] My old legs got in the way. Grab, jump, fly, land. Don't lose your eyeballs
on the random swords. And then fall. Tuck to slow down the descent. There we go. No problem. Now we're gonna lean this way,
and then kick-off. Watch, one, two, three. Here we go. And up, forward, out, up. I think I may have screwed myself. Ah. All right. You definitely wanna be lower
on the rainbow. You wanna taste the rainbow right
about here. There it is. Ow. I don't wanna taste the rainbow anymore. [cries] All right. There. Perfect. Okay. Now. Whoa. Wait. Oh, my god. Oh, my sweet Jesus. My helmet just saved my life. Um. Mm. Ah, [groans]. Not yet, and, [groans], yes. [laughs] Okay. How much is left? Oh, okay. All I have to do is get the to coin. Okay. All right. This is fine. I've gotten the coin many times
with Nixon. I do have no helmet, which is somewhat of a problem,
but I think it'll still be okay. Okay, nice and slow. Nice and slow. Nice and slow. Nice-- Oh. Okay, here we are. That's perfect. This is perfect. No. Did you think I was going to give up? Bullshit. [groans] Yeetily-dee,
your coin belongs to me. That was painful. I'm saving that. This is called the Hole Fly Through. You have to fly through the hole. I guess, I don't have a choice. How big of a hole
are we talking about here? Oh, my god. I don't see a hole. Oh, there it is. All right. Very well. [screams] I survived. Okay, so this is--
This is kind of a matter of just luck. I can see my daughter-
Susie's like waiting-- Oh, yeah. [chuckles] And a head
is resting on my spine. This is called Harpoon Run. Are you ready to die? Uh. Oh, hold on. Before I do anything. Nope. No way out. Ah, it's not too bad, I imagine. I can-- I-- Oh, what the hell? Ow. Oh. Whoa. I survived the harpoon. I died to something else. Speed. Actually, hold on. You know what to do, Tom. All right. Uh, there we go. Okay. Yeah, waiting for the damn it. Yeet. [screams] You know what? Screw it. We're doing this together. Whoa. All right. Apparently,
I have to count myself downward. There we go. [laughs] I don't know how that counted
as a win, but whatever. Oh, Santa's here too. The time has come once again
for a young heart going through the pains of adolescence
to proceed upon a journey in order to become the one true organ. Look at it go down, the lower intestine, only to get hit
by a lopsided whiskey glass, flying through the air, yeeted into, like, its second cannon since it was born. At this point, the heart is probably
about 30 years old now. It's starting to realize
that the last 10 years sitting in a cubicle was a bad idea. It's wondering about the $200,000
that it took you from college loans. Did I just like high-five my own hand? Onward, he goes. Waiting for the promotion
that will never come. His boss constantly telling him
how valuable he is in his current spot, so he can't go anywhere else because that would scrub the entirety
of the-- Is that a testicle sack? The entirety of the company. Now he's about 70 years old. He's inside of an old folks home. Do his children come to visit him? Absolutely not. Through the cannon. We're like 150 now. I just touched a cell phone
that we don't know how to use anymore because of dementia, po- potentially
or just a total loss of the will to care. We've died. We are now proceeding down
the path to hell. We have gone through hell. At this point, we have met Satan. We're-- We've been there the longest. Satan has promoted us where our boss
in real life would not. We are now one of the eight demon lords, and we shall utilize all of our power in order to get back at the Earth
that treated us so poorly. Oh, my god. How long did you spend making this? We've taken over the world. We've been given the northern hemisphere
as our treasure. This old man, this old hobo
is the only one that was there for us in our time of need. And so, he is the one person on this level
that has not been immediately killed. At this point,
we are now moving upward to invade heaven, and pretty soon we will own
all of existence. Wow. This is called Explosive Underwear. What? Is there, like, a thing over here or--
Am I wearing the explosive underwear? Is, like, my son? What is this? Oh, okay. All right. It's a little bit of a parkour here. Okay. I don't-- I'm still trying to figure out
where the underwear is at, but whatever. Up here, here we go. And-- Oh. All right, and juggle the-- Oh, my god. Don't touch that. Okay, down here, I guess. I really don't know. And then back,
still not really seeing the underwear. And we have a winner. I'm really confused. Welcome to the Rainbow Stairs. You have to go down the rainbow stairs. I would rather fall off
the rainbow stairs. Goodbye. Okay,
the rainbow stairs seem to be pretty long. All right. So, all you have to do is just survive
the rainbow stairs. Okay. All right. Oh, my god. Oh, there goes my son. He just rocketed into space
without the help of Elon Musk. The rainbow sta-- [screams] Yay? I'm using my own body as a bike ornament. Welcome to the Baby Throw N' Crawl. All right. So, we have to throw the baby and then I guess, the baby has
to complete the level. So, yeetus. Okay. Oh, okay. All right. Now I don't-- Oh, my god. I-- Wow. I'm a baby failure. I'm a failure at being a baby. Yeet. There we go. Oh, yeah. All right. Now use your little limbs, fetus. There you go. You get that coin, you'll still win
if they die back there. All right, I don't-- Are they alive
or-- Oh, they're fine or Susie's fine. Okay, Susie's slowly starting to pulsate. You know what? Let's- let's go away from Susie. Let's complete this. And I upgrade you to fetu-tor. This board is called 99.99% Impossible. It says it's impossible. I'll be-- Oh, I'm still alive. I-I'm fine. [chuckles] Oh, god. I will take every arrow to the wiener. Whoa. All right,
I'm so close to proving this board wrong. No. How about them apples. [laughs] And we have a winner. I think the best part of this
is that right after I won, I died. I took one arrow to the back of the head. Saving that. It's called Bottle Run
with a question mark. I get to drive the bottle. Yeah. Whoa, you run on people. Oh, no. Uh, I don't know if I could win this now. Crap. Ah. All right. So-- All right. You gotta keep the weight back, I guess. And here we go. Full flip. Damn it. It's actually really hard
to bottle run this. Go. Whoa. There it is. We got the bottle run with a bottle. This is called Pogo Dodge 3. "You got a text from your boss saying
that you're fired. An easy way to make money
is to do a coin heist. You plan to make your first robbery. Welcome, everyone, to Pogo man's house. I don't know why my boss just randomly--
Oh, my god. The coins store. So, now I have to get through all of this. I did not get through it. Out of the way. Actually, can I use you? Yeah, yeah. Go, go, go in. All right or don't. That's fine too. First coin. Second coin. Damn it. What the hell? What is all this? How am I supposed to get past that? Go, go. Go. Ouch. Out of the way, Nixon. I don't have time for your crap. This is unbelievably d--
What the-- Hold on. Is there d-- Can you-- Are you,
like, not supposed to beat this? Hold on. There's a thing up there. Ugh. Oh, my god. It's just barely make-able. Hold on. Oh, yes. Are you serious? [groans] Oh, okay, okay. [moaning] Oh, my god. Right. Even though you can do the cheaty win,
I think this is possible. Okay. [groans] Oh, god. I'm going to get all these damn coins. I don't care what it takes. Oh, yes. Yes. I can do this. Break the glass. Oh, no. [screams] Okay. Ugh, The most annoying part of this--
Oh, I don't want to win that way. The most annoying part
of this board is that guy that I constantly get stuck on. Yeah. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [groans] Oh, there is a landmine under my anus. I don't know how I survived. I think that's it. I think I got past all the mines. I got past everything. All I have to do is just break in now. This is the part where I break their--
Oh, my god. This is the part where I break the glass
and then, like, it falls and lands on me and perforates my freaking skull. All I need is these six coins, and I can literally beat
this ridiculous board. Worm. There. Yes, and we have a winner. Well, apparently crime does pay, but I'm going to end up spending
all the money I just made on alcohol so I can forget that ever happened. Anyway, folks, hope you enjoyed this episode
of Happy Wheels. Until next time, stay foxy and much love.
