WELCOME ONE AND ALL, DOWN HERE,
UP THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S AN EXCITING DAY HERE IN
NEW YORK CITY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) -- BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST DAY
OF ALL IN-PERSON SCHOOL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 18 MONTHS, KIDS CAN ENJOY CLASS WITHOUT
SEEING THEIR FRIENDS' DADS WANDERING BEHIND THEM IN BOXERS. IF THEY'RE LUCKY. OF COURSE, THERE ARE ALWAYS SOME
HICCUPS ON THE FIRST DAY. THE ONLINE HEALTH SCREENINGS
THAT FAMILIES ARE REQUIRED TO FILL OUT EACH MORNING HAD
CRASHED BY ABOUT 8:00 A.M., SO SOME EDUCATORS WERE FORCED TO
COMPLETE THEIR OWN SCREENINGS OF HOW EACH CHILD WAS FEELING THAT
MORNING. "SO, I'VE READ YOUR HEALTH
FORMS, AND I SEE MANY OF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM BUTT FEVER
BUTT-ACHE, AND SHORTNESS OF BUTT. OKAY, PUT A MASK OVER YOUR BUTT
AND COME ON IN." OF COURSE, KIDS AREN'T THE ONLY
ONES VULNERABLE TO COVID. WHICH IS WHY LAST WEEK
PRESIDENT BIDEN ISSUED A PLAN TO REQUIRE ALL PRIVATE-SECTOR
BUSINESSES WITH MORE THAN 100 EMPLOYEES TO MANDATE VACCINES OR
WEEKLY TESTING. THAT'S GREAT. OKAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU WANT THAT SENSE OF SECURITY. >> Jon: YEAH. YOU'VE GOT TO FEEL SAFE, GOT TO
BE SAFE. >> Stephen: WHEN YOU GO INTO A
STARBUCKS, YOU SHOULD FEEL SAFE. UNTIL YOU SEE THE BATHROOM. ( LAUGHTER )
ARE THOSE... TEETH? OF COURSE, THESE SAFETY MEASURES
ENRAGED THE LUNATIC FRINGE OF ANTI-VAXXERS, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS
REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS. MISSISSIPPI GOVERNOR AT A TIME
REEVES DECLARED THIS IS AMERICA AND WE STILL BELIEVE IN FREEDOM
FROM TYRANTS. YES, RECEIVING MEDICAL TREATMENT
PART OF A PROUD AMERICAN TRADITION. WHO COULD FORGET THE IMMORTAL
WORDS OF PATRICK HENRY? "GIVE ME RUBELLA AND GIVE ME
DEATH. BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE FROM
RUBELLA." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SOME GOVERNORS HAVE EVEN THREATENED TO SUE THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION OVER VACCINES, AND ON FRIDAY, THE PRESIDENT
RESPONDED. >> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO
REPUBLICANS WHO ARE CALLING YOUR VACCINE REQUIREMENTS AN
OVERREACH, WHO ARE THREATENING TO CHALLENGE IT IN
COURT? >> HAVE AT IT. >> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN)
"COME AT ME, BROSEPH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON! COME ON, STEP UP! YOU WANT A LITTLE PIECE? YOU WANT A TASTE? YOU WANT A TASTE? YOU WANT A SCOOP OF THIS? I WENT TO THE SCRANTON SCHOOL OF
BUS STOP TUSSLIN'! ONCE GAVE A MAN A LITTLE ELBOW
MUSIC FOR LOOKIN' CROSS-EYED AT MY BUSTER BROWNS! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THE
MANDATE, YOU CAN STOP BY AND MEET MY PALS, EMPATHY AND
PUBLIC SERVICE! C'MON, JACKSON!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON, COME ON MAN, COME ON. IT'S NOT JUST SCHOOL COMING BACK
FROM COVID, BECAUSE AMERICA'S ALSO SEEING THE SWEATY, STICKY,
TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SEX PARTIES. REALLY? I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE: I JUST
DON'T BUY THAT SEX PARTIES ARE A THING. I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, SUPPOSEDLY
THE HEIGHT OF DECADENCE, AND I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN ASKED TO
A SEX PARTY. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I SAY
THEY DON'T EXIST. I'VE NEVER BEEN UNINVITED OR
NOT INVITED TO A SEX PARTY, EITHER. NO ONE EVER SAID, HEY, STEVE,
MISSED YOU AT THE SEX PARTY LAST NIGHT. TOO BAD, YOU SEEM LIKE THE KIND
OF PERSON WHO'D BE REALLY GREAT TO HAVE AT A REAL SEX-PARTY. A REAL SEX-ASSET." WHERE'S MY INVITATION? IN MY JUNK EMAIL FOLDER? BY WHICH I MEAN THE EMAIL FONDER
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
FORGET IT! FORGET IT! I'M MAD! I'M ANGRY! ( LAUGHTER )
BY WHICH I MEAN, THE FOLDER WHERE I KEEP MY JUNK'S EMAIL. IT'S LILSTEVE@COLBERT.ORG. THAT'S RIGHT. MY PENIS IS A NONPROFIT. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? EVIE'S NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT
JOKE. WHEN COVID FIRST HIT, SOME
PEOPLE MOVED THEIR SEX PARTIES TO ZOOM, BUT THAT COULD BE
AWKWARD. ONE WOMAN TOLD RESEARCHERS "I
WAS WITH MY PARENTS SO IT WAS HARD TO HIDE IN THE ROOM AND
HOST A ZOOM SEX PARTY." "HON? YOUR MOM AND I WERE GONNA ORDER
P.F. CHANGS, DO YOU WANT LETTUCE WRAPS? ORDER THE LETTUCE WRAPS, SHE
KEEPS SCREAMING YES, YES. WAIT, GET OUT THE MENU, SHE SAYS
SHE'S COMING." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
WHAT? WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T -- OKAY. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'RE ALL ADULTS. ONE OF US JUST TURNED 18, IN
FACT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YOUNG MAN IN THE FRONT ROW ASKED
ME IF I COULD TALK TO MY 18-YEAR-OLD SELF, WHAT ADVICE
WOULD I GIVE MY 18-YEAR-OLD SELF, AND THAT ADVICE WOULD BE
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SEX PARTIES. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY DON'T -- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVITED? ( APPLAUSE )
HOLD ON. HOLD ON. ( LAUGHTER )
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVITED TO A SEX PARTY? >> I'M WITH MY MOM AND --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. I APOLOGIZE. I SHOULD NOT HAVE ASKED YOU THAT
QUESTION. MOM, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVITED
TO A SEX PARTY? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHERE WERE WE? RESEARCHERS ALSO FOUND THAT
DURING THE LOCKDOWN, ONE IN FIVE PARTICIPANTS CLAIMED TO BE
EXPERIMENTING MORE. PEOPLE GOT SO EXPERIMENTAL THAT
A WHOPPING 2% OF AMERICANS CLAIMED TO HAVE HAD THEIR FIRST
THREESOME DURING THE PANDEMIC. AND YOU KNOW THAT IF PEOPLE
CLAIM THEY HAD A THREESOME, IT'S DEFINITELY TRUE. "WHAT HAVE I BEEN UP TO IN
QUARANTINE? OH, I DEFINITELY HAD A
THREESOME. WHILE I RAN A MARATHON. WHILE WRITING MY SCREENPLAY IN
ITALIAN THAT I LEARNED. GOT TO GO, BEYONCE'S INVITING ME
TO A SEX PARTY!" ( APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF A CRAZY ASS PILES, TOMORROW CALIFORNIA IS DECIDING
WHETHER TO RECALL DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR AND WESTWORLD'S TOP
USED CAR SALESMAN, GAVIN NEWSOM. 46 CANDIDATES ARE RUNNING
AGAINST THE CURRENT GOVERNOR, INCLUDING BUSINESSMAN AND
CANDIDATE WIDER THAN HIS BACKGROUND JOHN COX. COX HAS BEEN TRYING TO MAKE
HIMSELF OUT TO BE A TOUGH GUY, BASED ON WHO HE'S CAMPAIGNING
WITH. >> THE BLITZ BEGAN IN THE
STATE'S CAPITOL, WITH A 1,000-POUND BURLY BROWN BEAR BY
HIS SIDE. >> STEPHEN: ALL THAT TELLS ME IS
THAT JOHN COX IS SO BLAND, EVEN A BEAR WON'T EAT HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BY SHOW OF APPLAUSE, HAS ANYONE
BEEN INVITED TO A SEX PARTY?) MAN SPEAKS UP ). >> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN
INVITED TO A SEX PARTY. DID YOU RSVP? DID YOU GO? >> WOMAN:
YEAH. >> Stephen: CAN YOU GET ME ON
A LIST? ( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR A SECOND. ANOTHER GOV WANNABE IS BILLBOARD
MODEL ANGELYNE, WHO RELEASED THIS COMPELLING VIDEO. >> I'M RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF
CALIFORNIA, IT'S JUST ME AND THE DOG. WILL YOU PLEASE VOTE FOR US? WE PROMISE WE'LL BE REALLY GOOD. THE DOG ONLY EATS A LITTLE BIT,
AND I EAT... PIZZA. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: I'LL VOTE FOR YOU, JUST LET THE DOG GO. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SEX PARTY. DEFINITELY SEX PARTY. THERE'S ALSO PATRICK KILPATRICK,
AN ACTOR, SCREENWRITER, AND PRODUCER. YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE HIM FROM
SUCH FILMS AS "UNDER SIEGE 2," "FREE WILLY 3," "ANGEL 4," OR
THE TV SHOW "BABYLON 5." ( LAUGHTER )
AND IF YOU ADD ALL THOSE NUMBERS UP, IT IS MORE THAN THE VOTES
PATRICK KILPATRICK WILL GET. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WILL BE THE
NEXT GOVERNOR, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LATEST POLLS OVER 60% OF
LIKELY VOTERS OPPOSE RECALLING NEWSOM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE OTHER 40% SAID "I AM RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR." ( LAUGHTER )
SO WITH NEWSOM LIKELY TO BE VICTORIOUS, THE G.O.P. HAS TAKEN
THE HIGH ROAD BY PRIMING THEIR VOTERS TO BELIEVE THE CALIFORNIA
RECALL WAS STOLEN. NOT AGAIN! WE KNOW THIS LEADS TO A TERRIBLE
PLACE: SACRAMENTO. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IN MUSIC VIDEOS, THE VMA'S WERE LAST NIGHT, AND
THEY KICKED OFF WITH A VISIT -- THE BIGGEST SHOW STOPPER WAS
LIL NOZ X WHO DID A STEAMY SHOW OF INDUSTRY BABY AND MONTEIRO. S TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
IN PRIVATE S CALL ME BY YOUR NAME
I DO NOT CARE S IF YOU'RE LYING S
>> STEPHEN: I'M NOT A PRUDE, BUT I FIND THAT REALLY UPSETTING. YET ANOTHER STAR-STUDDED SEX
PARTY, AND I WASN'T INVITED. GUYS! I HAVE MY OWN BEDAZZLED SHORTS
AND SOME BABY OIL. SO, LIL' NAS, CALL ME WHEN YOU
WANT, CALL ME WHEN YOU NEED, CALL ME IN THE MORNING, I'LL BE
ON THE WAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JEFF DANIELS AND
CBS MORNINGS' NATE BURLESON. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, RUDY
GIULIANI WAS GIVEN ALCOHOL NEAR A MICROPHONE.
