WELCOME, ONE AND ALL. WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, "THE LATE
SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I AM SO GLAD YOU COULD BE
WITH US TONIGHT. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
IT'S GOOD. I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF THE
WARMTH, OF BEING WITH THE GOOD PEOPLE HERE TODAY. TOMORROW IS THE ONE-YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTION, THAT HORRIBLE DAY
WHEN MILLIONS OF AMERICANS STARED AT THE TV IN SHOCK AND
GRIEF AND SAID, "AH, CRAP. IS THAT UNCLE DAVE?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> THE HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE
INVESTIGATING THE ATTACK HAS SET ITS SIGHTS ON A NEW TARGET:
FOX NEWS HOST AND PROOF THAT THE IRISH WEREN'T MEANT TO LIVE PAST
60, SEAN HANNITY. LAST NIGHT, THE COMMITTEE SENT A
LETTER ASKING HANNITY TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT SOME BOMBSHELL TEXT
MESSAGES THAT INDICATE THAT HANNITY HAD "ADVANCE KNOWLEDGE
REGARDING THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S PLANNING FOR JANUARY 6th." AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE
FOOTAGE OF THE MOMENT HANNITY RECEIVED THAT LETTER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> UH-OH. >> Stephen: ACCORDING TO THE
COMMITTEE, ON DECEMBER 31 2020, HANNITY SENT CHIEF OF STAFF MARK
MEADOWS A TEXT THAT SAID, "I DO NOT SEE JANUARY 6 HAPPENING THE
WAY HE IS BEING TOLD." SO HANNITY CLEARLY KNEW WHAT WAS
COMING. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT PLANNED THIS COUP WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE
ENTIRE FOX NEWS LINEUP, INCLUDING THE COMMERCIALS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
APPARENTLY, HANNITY SAW SOME DOWNSIDES TO DESTROYING OUR
SYSTEM OF REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT. ON JANUARY 5, HE WROTE TO
MEADOWS AGAIN, SAYING THAT HE WAS "VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE NEXT
48 HOURS." SO HE EITHER HAD ADVANCE
KNOWLEDGE OF THE PLOT OR HAD JUST EATEN THREE TACO BELL
BURRITO SUPREMES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
EITHER WAY, HE KNEW... <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
EITHER WAY, HE KNEW THE NEXT 48 HOURS WAS GOING TO BRING CHAOS. IF THE COMMITTEE REALLY WANTS
THE INSIDE SCOOP ON THE WHITE HOUSE'S PLAN TO STAGE THE COUP,
THEY SHOULD TALK TO PETER NAVARRO, SEEN HERE THROWING A
PILLOWCASE OF KITTENS INTO THE RIVER. NAVARRO WAS ON MSNBC LAST NIGHT,
AND HE REVEALED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE'S PLOT TO OVERTHROW THE
ELECTION EVEN HAD A CUTE LITTLE NICKNAME:
>> THIS PLAN WE HAD CALLED THE "GREEN BAY SWEEP." >> Stephen: NOT TO BE CONFUSED
WITH THE "GREEN BAY SNEAK," WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
ASK AARON RODGERS IF HE'S VACCINATED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> AND-- SURE. NAVARRO EXPLAINED THAT WHAT THE
COUP PLOT HAD IN COMMON WITH THE FOOTBALL PLAY WAS TEAMWORK--
AND, OBVIOUSLY, BRAIN DAMAGE: >> WE HAD OVER 100 CONGRESSMEN
AND SENATORS ON CAPITOL HILL READY TO IMPLEMENT THE SWEEP. WE WERE GOING TO CHALLENGE THE
RESULTS OF THE ELECTION IN THE SIX BATTLEGROUND STATES. AND AT 1:00 P.M., SENATOR TED
CRUZ AND GOSAR, A REPRESENTATIVE, STARTED THE
GREEN BAY SWEEP BEAUTIFULLY, CHALLENGING THE RESULTS OF
ARIZONA. >> Stephen: I HAVEN'T SEEN
CRIMINAL ACTIVITY SO CLEARLY EXPLAINED ON TV BY THE CRIMINAL
SINCE RACHEL RAY WELCOMED CO-HOST JEFFREY DAHMER. YUMMO! BUT NAVARRO SAYS THERE WAS ONE
FLAW IN THE JANUARY 6 PLAN: >> ALL THIS REQUIRED WAS PEACE
AND CALM ON CAPITOL HILL. >> Stephen: (AS SCOOBY VILLAIN)
"AND WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WTH IT, TOO, IF IT WASN'T FOR
THAT MEDDLING MOB WE UNLEASHED ON CAPITOL HILL. DAMN YOU, SCOOBY-COUP!"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> BY THE WAY-- THEY GOT THE
REFERENCE. GOOD. GLAD THEY GOT THE REFERENCE. BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT AN
EXAGGERATION. CHECK OUT HOW MUCH PETER NAVARRO
LOOKS LIKE A SCOOBY-DOO VILLAIN. NAVARRO THEN EXPLAINED HOW HIS
GOOD OLD-FASHIONED FOOTBALL COUP WAS SUPPOSED TO GO:
>> THE REMEDY WAS FOR VICE PRESIDENT PENCE AS THE
QUARTERBACK IN THE GREEN BAY SWEEP TO REMAND THOSE VOTES BACK
TO THE SIX BATTLEGROUND STATES FOR 10 DAYS FOR A LOOK TO SEE IF
THERE WERE ANY ELECTION IRREGULARITIES OR FRAUD. >> Stephen: REALLY? PENCE IS THE QUARTERBACK IN THIS
SITUATION? HE DOESN'T STRIKE ME AS THE
QUARTERBACK TYPE PERSONALITY. I'D GO WITH TACKLING DUMMY. TOMORROW--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> SEEMS LIKE FUN. TOMORROW, CONGRESS IS GOING TO
MARK THE DARK ANNIVERSARY WITH SOLEMNITY, WITH EVENTS
INCLUDING A PRAYER VIGIL. AND DO NOT EVER DOUBT THE POWER
OF PRAYER. REMEMBER, ON MONDAY, DEVIN NUNES
FORMALLY RESIGNED FROM CONGRESS. THANK YOU FOR HEARING ME, LORD. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
♪ ♪ ♪ THE SOLEMNITY OF THE DAY WAS IN
DANGER OF BEING UNDERMINED BY FORMER PRESIDENT "MY LITTLE
PHONY." TWO WEEKS AGO, HE ANNOUNCED THAT
AT THE TIME OF THE CAPITOL PRAYER SERVICE, HE PLANNED TO
DELIVER REMARKS DOUBLING DOWN ON THE "BIG LIE," TO COUNTERPROGRAM
THE REMEMBRANCE EVENTS. YEAH, YOU CAN'T LET REMEMBRANCE
EVENTS GO ON WITHOUT COUNTERPROGRAMMING. THE SAME REASON AT A FUNERAL YOU
GOT TO BRING OUT AN INSULT COMIC FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GLAD
THE GUY'S DEAD. <i> ( INSULT COMIC )</i>
"JOHN LOOKS GOOD. IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN
HIM STIFF IN YEARS! OH! HIS WIFE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. THAT'S MY TIME. HIS, TOO! TIP YOUR PALLBEARERS." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THE SPEECH WITH A STATEMENT. NOW, READING THIS STATEMENT
STRAIGHT WOULD GIVE IT WAY MORE RESPECT THAN IT DESERVES, BUT I
NO LONGER DO AN IMPRESSION OF THAT CRACK WIPE
ANYMORE. SO, INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
HIS STATEMENT READ BY SOMEONE WHO HAS THE SAME LEVEL OF
EMOTIONAL MATURITY: A 7-YEAR-OLD CHILD. <i> ( IN CHILD'S VOICE )</i>
>> WHY ISN'T THE UNSELECT COMMITTEE OF HIGHLY PARTISAN
POLITICAL HACKS INVESTIGATING THE CAUSE OF THE JANUARY 6th
PROTEST, WHICH WAS THE RIGGED PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2020? I WILL BE HAVING A NEWS
CONFERENCE ON JANUARY 6th AT MAR-A-LAGO TO DISCUSS ALL OF
THESE POINTS, AND MORE. UNTIL THEN, REMEMBER, THE
INSURRECTION TOOK PLACE ON NOVEMBER 3rd. IT WAS THE COMPLETELY UNARMED
PROTEST OF THE RIGGED ELECTION THAT TOOK PLACE ON JANUARY 6. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, SIR. I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT: THEY WERE
ARMED. AND WHEN DID WE START HAVING TO
SAY "UNARMED" PROTESTS?" PROTESTS ARE UNARMED BY DEFAULT. THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "WE HAD A
LOVELY WEEKEND. IT WAS A TOTALLY BLOODLESS
COTILLION." WELL, GOOD NEWS. YESTERDAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
CANCELED HIS JANUARY 6 EVENT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
I AGREE. I'LL GIVE IT UP. I'LL GIVE IT UP, YEAH. I'M SURE HE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED. I MEAN, HE'D ALREADY PICKED THE
PERFECT OUTFIT FOR THE DAY. HE EXPLAINED HIS DECISION WITH
THIS STATEMENT: >> IN LIGHT OF THE TOTAL BIAS
AND DISHONESTY OF THE JANUARY 6th UNSELECT COMMITTEE OF
DEMOCRATS, TWO FAILED REPUBLICANS, AND THE FAKE NEWS
MEDIA, I AM CANCELING THE JANUARY 6th PRESS CONFERENCE AT
MAR-A-LAGO ON THURSDAY, AND INSTEAD WILL DISCUSS MANY
OF THOSE IMPORTANT TOPICS AT MY RALLY ON SATURDAY, JANUARY 15,
IN ARIZONA. IT WILL BE A BIG CROWD! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: IT MAKES SENSE THAT HE'S MOVING IT FROM MAR-A-LAGO
TO ARIZONA, CONSIDERING THEIR STATE MOTTO: ARIZONA: AMERICA'S
BACKUP FLORIDA. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
APPARENTLY-- WE'RE GOING TO NEED ONE. WE'RE GOING TO NEED ONE. APPARENTLY, THE REAL REASON HE
CANCELED THE EVENT IS BECAUSE SOME ADVISERS URGED THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TO RESCHEDULE FOR A DAY THAT WOULD DRAW LESS
ATTENTION TO A LOW POINT OF HIS PRESIDENCY. SO, EVERY DAY OF HIS PRESIDENCY <i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
BUT-- <i> ( CHEERING )</i>
BUT-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
BUT I GET THEIR POINT. IT WOULD BE LIKE JUDAS
GIVING A SPEECH TO COMMEMORATE GOOD FRIDAY:
"SURE, IT'S A SAD DAY, BUT WITHOUT ME, NONE OF THIS
WOULD'VE HAPPENED! THE REAL CRUCIFIXION WAS
ON NOVEMBER 3rd! MARY MAGDALENE KNOWS WHAT I'M
TALKIN' ABOUT. TIP YOUR PHARISEES." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. BUT ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORK
TIMES'" MAGGIE HABERMAN, THE REAL, REAL REASON IS THAT IT WAS
BECOMING CLEAR HE WASN'T LIKELY TO GET THE LIVE TV COVERAGE HE
WAS HOPING FOR. WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE. UPSTAGING SOLEMN EVENTS RARELY
GETS GOOD RATINGS. THAT'S WHY THEY CANCELED "DICK
CLARK'S PEARL HARBOR'S ROCKIN' EVE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
RYAN SEACREST DOES IT NOW, RIGHT? THERE'S AN UPDATE FROM THE WORLD
OF COVID: EVERYONE IN THE WORLD HAS COVID. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
TURNS OUT, OVER 3,000 SCHOOLS WERE CLOSED IN THE FIRST WEEK OF
JANUARY, AND THE QUITTING RATE FOR THE HEALTHCARE INDUSTRY
REACHED AN ALL-TIME HIGH. OKAY, THERE'S AN EASY SOLUTION
HERE. KIDS, THIS IS THE MOMENT DOC
McSTUFFINS HAS BEEN TRAINING YOU FOR. GRAB YOUR FISHER-PRICE
STETHOSCOPE AND ASK MOMMY AND DADDY FOR A RIDE TO THE E.R. YOU'RE SCRUBBIN' IN! DAMMIT, McKENZIE! THERE ARE LIVES ARE ON THE LINE! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( CHEERING )</i> "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M MY OWN
TWIN? IS? SO, THE COUNTRY'S IN CHAOS. WHAT WE NEED IS CLEAR GUIDANCE
FROM THE C.D.C., WHICH IS WHY THEY ISSUED YESTERDAY, NEW
GUIDANCE UPDATING THEIR RECENT FIVE-DAY ISOLATION RULE WITH
THIS SIMPLE ADDENDUM: PEOPLE WHO HAVE RECOVERED FROM
THE VIRUS AND HAVE ISOLATED FOR AT LEAST FIVE DAYS CAN TAKE A
RAPID TEST IF THEY WANT, BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO. AND THOSE WHO TEST POSITIVE
AFTER FIVE DAYS FROM THEIR INITIAL TEST SHOULD ISOLATE FOR
ANOTHER FIVE DAYS. ALSO, PEOPLE WHO TEST NEGATIVE
OR DON'T GET TESTED CAN GO BACK TO WORK, AS LONG AS THEY WEAR A
MASK. OOH, I KNOW THIS ONE! THE ANSWER IS... THE KNIFE WAS AN ICICLE! NO, YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN AND
THE GRAIN, AND YOU VACCINATE THE FOX! AM I-- NO. ALL RIGHT. EVEN THE NEWS--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> EVEN THE NEWS IS STRUGGLING TO
UNDERSTAND THESE UPDATED GUIDELINES. >> CONFUSING TIMES WHEN IT COMES
TO RECOMMENDATIONS FROM THE C.D.C. THIS LATEST CHANGE FROM THEM,
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? >> IT IS CONFUSING. IT DOES FEEL LIKE A BIT OF A
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: IF THIS, THEN THIS. IF THIS, THEN THIS. >> IT DOES FEEL IN MANY WAYS "DO
THE HOKEY POKEY AND TURN YOURSELF AROUND." >> Stephen: GAYLE'S RIGHT. IN FACT, THAT'S AN EASY WAY TO
REMEMBER THE NEW RULES. JON? ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( SUNG TO "HOKEY POKEY" )</i> ♪ TEST AFTER FIVE DAYS IN
♪ OR MAYBE JUST GO OUT ♪ HEY, AM I STILL SICK? ♪ THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIGURE OUT. ♪ YOU DO THE NOSEY-POKEY
♪ AND YOU CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP ♪ TIME FOR MY DAILY SHOUT! AAAAAAAH! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS SENATOR AMY
KLOBUCHAR. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, YOUNG PEOPLE
ARE GETTING SCAMMED. CAN WE DO ANYTHING TO STOP OLD
PEOPLE LAUGHING AT THEM? ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT OUT
YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN
Can I get a time stamp I don't have a 12 minute attention span