How Have Your Parents Unintentionally Fricked You Up?

how have your parents unintentionally fricked you up mom was very controlling she meant well but her overbearing nature only made me a better lie than a productive member of society seems this is not uncommon i can't speak for you all but i know my mom loves me she's just flawed like the rest of us legit this i can't say exactly when i simply stopped telling her the truth when going out with friends gfs etc but my life became a lot simpler because of it only problem is now i am a borderline pathological liar she tiger moment the crap out of me specifically when it came to classical music she was a violin teacher and had me play piano but that didn't stop her from getting very involved what was the worst incident when she got so mad at how i was practicing she threw the piano bench out the door when she scribbled all over my music in a rage and had to buy a new book so my teacher wouldn't see she lost her crap when she was screaming at me in the car after a lesson and just laid into the horn while driving down a busy street when she drove me crying to my friend's house for a scheduled play date and made me ring the doorbell and explain to my friend i couldn't stay because i hadn't practiced enough it was a 10 plus year saga of insane blow ups and tears that only stopped when i left for college and quit but i'm the lucky one i was the fighter my sister was the people pleaser once my mom gave up on me she focused the full brunt of her attention on her now my sister's got an undergrad degree in music and a whole lotta ranged about whether she even likes a goddamn viola or has just been forced into her entire life sorry that happened to you your mom sounds insane my attachment style they only paid attention to me when i acted out because they were so busy with my older sister and her accomplishments if only you were nicer they wouldn't bully you your sister can make friends so you can too why do you have these weird hobbies no wonder you have no friends what is it are you too lazy or too shy to make friends got diagnosed with autism eventually but that was after 40 years of beating myself senseless over my inability to fit in always telling me that the neighborhood kids were bad and i should never play with them leading me to become very introverted and shy feeling super awkward walking past all the kids who were playing then when i was 15ish parents started asking me why i have no friends making me feel like i had a problem and was different due to lack of interaction with kids my age i now avoid conflict and have weak social skills it took me years of practice to be comfortable with people ended up having very good friends in high school and university but even after all these years still feel awkward meeting and befriending new people oh i also forgot constantly comparing me to other kids telling me how they were doing better at school had more friends were so social etc it really freaked out my self-confidence i remember when i got into the best uni in my country was the first time my dad said he is proud of me school and grades wise before that it was always look how good jack's grades are or how smart joe is smh this isn't the worst thing in the world but my parents strongly instilled in me the need to care about other people's feelings and kindness to the point of being overly kind and accommodating it led to me apologizing too much bending over backwards for people who didn't deserve it and letting people take advantage of me i am proud of being a person that cares for others but it's taken a while for me to learn how to set boundaries and maintain them in friendships and relationships i'm working on it by never taking any problems i had seriously getting angry at me when i was having a bad mental health day and denying that i had depression you're just doing this for attention you have no reason to be depressed etc even though i was clinically diagnosed it has led me to never speak about my problems to the point where i have breakdowns in my bedroom and then pretend i'm fine believing i'm a burden and that no one not even my friends want to deal with me by constantly interrupting me when i'd try to say something or talking over me or by very obviously not paying attention listening caring about what i'd say i've grown up to be a very quiet person who very rarely makes any effort to say anything to anyone i went through the same thing eventually i just stopped sharing any developments i had with them and kept everything to myself my mom by helicoptering me between all of middle school and high school as a result i was never able to develop good study habits because i never got the feeling that i was doing it for me i felt like i was doing it for her when i was in fifth grade i told my mom about a kid who was bullying me one day when she was picking me up after school she got out of the car and threatened the kid something along the lines of if you pick on my baby again you will regret it that fricked up my social life until at least 10th grade by constantly criticizing me as an adult i sit in meetings at work and wait for someone to tell me how stupid wrong inappropriate something i said or did was it's awesome thanks for the silver reddit friend we'll make it exact same thing with me no matter what i do i never feel like i am going to be good enough one had an affair told me and told me not to tell the other the other knew and did things like bugged the house phones and had me try to follow them around being oldest kid sucked completely stuck in the middle eventually escaped to the sanity of the infantry they demand i pay for things which is fine in itself really except i wasn't really allowed to have a job until right before i left for college basically any gift money i got from relatives they somehow took now it's even worse as i'm unemployed due to some serious health issues whenever i hear you need to pay for that all i can think is with what income disclaimer they were never short on cash this was purely an asset control thing [Music] semi-helicoptering me for far too long they subtlety controlled my life to the point i wasn't able to do a lot of things that were important to me but it wasn't enough that i felt controlled and wanted to just snap and rebel against them it took me a long time to start making decisions without prioritizing their approval above doing what i actually wanted to do so i'm a little behind in a lot things that are important to me because i never felt truly supported and free to develop myself the way i wanted to when i was a kid maybe five or six i was riding in the car with my mom i was playing with a transformer toy and telling her about it at some point she stopped me and said something to the effect of son do i talk to you about makeup or clothes or anything i'm interested in i answered no and she said then i don't want to hear about transformers whatever you're playing with in that moment she just wanted me to shut up bc she didn't care but over my life i've realized it destroyed my ability to talk about things i care about with people and message someone i'm very close to so i come off as very boring until people get to know me i would just like to say i don't hate my mom or anything she's a good person for the most part she just doesn't pretend to care about things not her fault but when my mom got cancer when i was 14 she kind of went crazy and really hurt me mentally she controlled everything i ate because i was either too thin or too thick didn't allow me to hang out with my friends because she didn't know if she was going to make it through the night and pulled me out of all my extracurriculars for the same reason she made me eat cabbage soup and only cabbage soup for two weeks to lose weight i was dubbed stinky alley by my classmates i did not need to lose weight yeah my dad was no peach either i ran away from my mom that year to stay with my dad and got into an abusive relationship with a boy who controlled me and violated me and my dad just loved him at his house my grades dropped because there was no physical place to do homework and he didn't take me to any of my doctors or counseling appointments because there was nothing wrong with me after going through what my mom and boyfriend put me through so yeah not really their faults because mental illness is hard to treat but it definitely screwed me up for a long time i'm a 31 year old mother in a very healthy and loving relationship now but i have to give my successes and happiness to my partners family and my therapists they are the real mvps my dad also loved my controlling intimidating crazy physical assaulting boyfriend when i was in high school it really messed me up in a way they didn't teach me much at all i had to learn a lot from my friends outside of proper manners when i was a teenager my dad would ask me to get him a phillips head screwdriver and when i said i had no idea what that was he scolded me rather than teaching me he scolded me rather than teaching me welp there's my childhood in a nutshell my younger sister and i both hit puberty pretty early we were healthy weights and active but understandably were tired and had stretch marks you know like bodies get when they have rapid growth spurts and hormonal changes our parents had the genius idea of calling us in one night and telling us we needed to lose weight because we had stretch marks from being growing people this is on top of yours of ridiculous diets and fat routines with no actual nutritional guidance we would also get in trouble for not knowing how to cook after being banned from the kitchen what their hearts were trying to say was we don't want you to have all of the health problems the rest of the extended family has the actual result is an eating disorder i'm still fighting 16 years after that conversation they pick on my younger brother now too and i just want to scream hey dad maybe put down the chips and eat a vegetable before you say anything about anybody else's body omg i hate how people consider stretch marks equals fat i'm like 135 pounds underweight my whole life and i have stretch marks and i've never even been over 140 pounds my parents sent me crazy mixed messages one day they would be telling me to not give a crap about what people think of me then the next day they would be like don't wear that shirt with those pants they don't match people will think you don't have a sense of style it really freaked with my nerves man telling us we need to communicate more then when we do communicate more question how we could have conceived of some of the things we thought of or when my mother openly said depression comes from a chemical reaction a moment when i recalled her asking my sister what do you have to be depressed about i'm an immigrant living in the united states my parents tease me all the time about not knowing our history culture and speaking our language with an accent forgetting that they didn't teach me much about either of them most of what i know about our history culture comes from american news outlets i learned to speak the day-to-day language from them but learned how to read and write and expanded my vocabulary all on my own growing up in the united states without a foundation for my identity really set me up for difficulty i latched onto anything and anyone who i thought accepted me it turned out that people were just taking advantage of me it probably wasn't intentional but i was never emotionally close with my parents my parents had good intentions but didn't execute i understand that they love me very much but it just hurts me that i can't emotionally open up to them and vice versa i'm seeing a trend of people talking about how different their relationships with their parents are as they grow older for me my parents don't seem to understand that i don't have the same interests from when i was a kid anymore i have pretty different interests now that i'm older and my parents don't seem to understand that and they seem stuck on the past on not accepting the future i'm not saying my parents are jerks about it but they are pushing me to do one thing while i'm hiding what i'm really doing they are really happy with what they think i'm doing and i'm scared that it will break their hearts if i tell them what i'm really doing same my dude my mother was never really affectionate no one in my family was is and she likes to complain that i never hug her when she's drunk usually my mom used to tell me i was stupid and useless when she got angry at me now i believe in stupid useless and can't achieve anything at least i'm on a good mood rn or this would have sent me straight to crying lol my father's words which i'll carry with me forever as his legacy are god you're useless completely hopeless if you had half a brain it would be lonely expressed with spitting anger if you're familiar with the animated movie inside out that message constitutes one of my core memories i didn't realize until i was an adult myself where my social awkwardness came from i thought it was just me then i took a closer look at how my parents interact with others and daily life as compared to what i was seeing in college and eventually at work and yep all the social skills of a bent spoon between the two of them so i had no one at home to learn from and while i've largely learned how to fake it it'll never come naturally one hundred percent my mom is loud and talks with confidence but has no education or self-awareness and my dad just awkwardly tries to get out of conversations by saying typical conversation enders and trying to make excuses as to why he can't chat emotionally distant parents that's all my father knew growing up in his family and my mother was as a successful daycare operator who was burned out after raising other people's children only to come home and have to do it again raised with the expectations of a grown man and a staff member not a child every promise for something quid pro quo or request for another going to the park to play had to be written down with a date and signed or else it would be favorably denied as if it never happened or insinuated i was making things up never breaking the sibling rivalry silently allowing and mildly stoking the vitriol between my sibling and i to reach levels where we can't even be in the same area city without some cruel criticisms or sharp cutting commentary to be fired off now as a man in his thirties i both detest what happened in my youth and appreciate the strengths and insights it provided me i have an unreasonably thick skin to negative criticism and insults i strive continually to become the best in my fields of interest and professional life i strongly believe in maintaining a promise and i continuously try to reconnect with my estranged sibling knowing we are all we have in this world though to no avail it took my sister and i decades to move past this typical knock dynamic where they would pit us against one another we grew up thinking the other was the favorite and resenting the other giving birth to me my birth father has a whole host of physical health problems that run on his side of the family and my birth mother has a laundry list of mental health issues that run on her side they were two of the worst people to get together and have kids lack of discipline not like punishing me but straight up discipline i really struggle to commit to things follow through apply myself because i always just give up or find myself thinking what's the point i feel this to some extent i can follow through with things i care about but as soon as it gets uncomfortable i am out so my dad basically never interacted with me except to make dad jokes my mom used me to vent about her problems because my dad didn't know how to discuss emotional topics she also engaged me in long boring one-sided conversations that i couldn't get out of without making her upset and often asked me to go out and do things with her witch again i couldn't refuse without making her upset all this when i was already constantly exhausted from school and depression and extremely introverted so now i associate relationships of any kind with exhausting obligation it's a big part of why i've always had difficulty developing a social life i know this all came from a place of love which is why i feel bad complaining about it but it really damaged me also praising me for being smart rather than for working hard which crippled my work ethic i hear that's a pretty common one incidentally i'm terrified of having kids because it seems like the slightest mistake on my part can freak them up for life the first thing you describe doesn't come from a place of love it's an adult making a child take the emotional place of their spouse it's unfair and really damaging kept me sheltered my parents put on a front that we were kind of a leave it to beaver family where everything was perfect when i went out into the world i wasn't prepared for the reality of life i'd learned that everyone was basically good and decent and wasn't equipped to deal with crappy people the same thing happened to my best friend growing up sadly some of those friends taught him about drug use and he spent the entirety of his 20s as a junkie you name the drug he was using it he even died a couple of times paramedics brought him back both times and his only regrets were the hospital bills that is until he eventually got clean i was about to go to a dance with my bf and i had on a very pretty dress that i felt so beautiful and so i showed my dad and his response was doesn't that make you look fat though it was apparently a joke but he knew i was self conscious about my weight and i've never felt more ashamed or worse in my life and i've not seen him the same way since then life is fun my mom did most everything around the house so when i finally moved out i didn't know how to clean anything or wash dry fold or iron clothes cook food or even use the oven stove i got an apartment and had to teach myself everything i went from basically only making cereal and ramen in the microwave to cooking some things for myself hamburger helper at first luckily i found a girl that was very patient with me and helped me with those things now we are married and we split the housework good on you for wanting to learn some people would just find a wife to replace their mother my mom projected her insecurities onto me body image issues as a result always was called ungrateful now have a complex about accepting gifts favors help etc even from my closest friends on a less depressing note my mom unintentionally pronounces a lot of things incorrectly so it is kind of embarrassing whenever i attempt to say something in conversation only to get baffled looks that indicate i have been living a phonetic lie up until that point haha by staying together for the good of the kids despite not loving each other arguing at every opportunity i'm 27 and have no idea what love between partners looks like i think i learned to be anxious from my mother do i think it's my genetics no not really i think my nature is to be chill but every time i start to relax and enjoy life there's a little voice in the back of my head my mother's voice telling me i need to get back up and be on guard because i might not be doing things the way she'd want i love my mom but she was a very scared parent and her fears for me manifested at disapproval in many of my activities i empathize heavily they made alcohol such a taboo untouchable subject in our house that i didn't know how to control myself when i went to college i was bordering on alcoholic by end of freshman year of college somehow got my head out of my butt and pulled myself together now i rarely ever drink and never drink to get drunk my parents let me have a taste really young when i was curious about it as a kid it sucked and so i made up my mind that i didn't like it and i've never been a fan since it's sort of like the child rearing version of the streisand effect if they hadn't made a big deal out of it you might have not been as curious when you finally got out from under their thumb no matter how much i tell myself it's okay to be gay i have this nagging in my head from when my mother would harass me when i was a teen about being gay she'd tell me i'd go to heck kick me out of the car yell at me over 10 years later and it'll creep up every now and then and i'll get that feeling of man i wish i wasn't gay i don't know why i get that feeling every few years i love who i am but then i get a severe bout of depression and i end up hating myself you don't need to continue with these people just because they are family we can always choose to let go of toxic folks just forgive them and move on they sent me and my siblings to a christian private school the ways that school fricked me and my oldest sibling up cannot be understated they once suspended my sibling because he figured out the password pattern and turned himself in like he didn't hack it or steal the list he just noticed there was a pattern to password generation confessed he had figured it out and got a three-day suspension for his trouble my dad and his siblings went to catholic schools the kind where nuns whack your hands with rulers and suffering brings you closer to god whenever i was about to sneeze my dad would say don't sneeze i would probably laugh at first which would stop the whole process dead in its tracks to this day however i can't sneeze if anyone is making eye contact with me if someone is aware that i'm about to sneeze or even if the tv is too loud i have to either walk away from people or pause whatever i'm watching to get the deed done thanks dad thank you for being the most non-abusive comment in this entire thread well first she didn't believe me about my stepdad molesting me but no one in my family did just thought i was trying to get attention but he was abusive to her in other ways and she just took it thinking she was giving us a better life because she wouldn't be a single mom we had a better house etc so that's number one when she realized he was just a piece of crap she started drinking again after 14 years of sobriety i don't think she intentionally wanted to ruin my memories of her but she got cancer and died shortly after so all i remember is her last few years which was drunk pathetic mom that's number two but the one that really freaked me up is on her deathbed she refused to talk to me about any of it her feelings what she wanted for me in life if she'll miss me nothing she waited until i left one night and refused life-saving treatment when i went the next day she was comatose and we never spoke anything again she died within 12 hours don't ever freaking do that crap to your child thanks a lot mom they fricked me right over by not letting me express my own opinions absurding topics i would bring my own opinion to the conversation then they would belittle me and completely shut it down they would mostly force a lot of their belief systems on me when i would have an opposing opinion on certain subjects my dad was a womanizer that used to hit on women in front of me when i was a teenager and was still married to my mum i had a problem with flirting when i reached adulthood as it brought back the creepy feeling i had when my dad would do it in front of me on the plus side i have never cheated on anyone if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video so bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

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Keywords: parents, parents stories, parenting, parenting tips, parenting 101, parenting fails, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh, reddit stories 2020

Id: JNjV2xAiG2g

Length: 24min 40sec (1480 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 26 2020