Senators Slow Approval Of Biden's Rescue Plan And Show Their Hands Ahead Of Impeachment Trial

hey everybody welcome to the show i'm perfectly focused this guy over here right before the cave is like i'm focused look at my hair i'm so focused it's like the focus is blowing my hair back you know what yourself doctor i'm sorry you had to see that though i'm also kind of happy you did welcome to a late show i am your host stephen colbert folks this country has just emerged from four years of historic corruption stunning incompetence and criminal negligence but bride's been president for six days why hasn't he fixed everything yet i mean the first everything he has to be fixed is coronavirus and i'll catch you up on the latest in tonight's edition of catch a third wave endless bummer or something well i haven't vaccinated anywhere yeah ain't i a little prick get it stop it that stuff is toxic i'm getting out of here you win this time kovid the united states just passed 25 million coveted 19 cases there haven't been that many cases of something since angela lansbury cleaned up the mean streets of cabot cove so many murderers in new england the u.s got its first diagnosed case on january 21st of last year and since then has averaged one new infection every 1.2 seconds to put that in perspective look at the person on your left now look at the person on your right now get the hell out of there because it's been three seconds you're all infected the vaccine has given people hope but so far distribution has been a disaster other countries have been able to distribute their vaccines so why is it so messed up in america you guessed it the previous administration did a horrible job planning it how bad the new head of the cdc dr rochelle wallensky says we're not even sure how bad things are i would say one of the biggest problems right now is i can't tell you how much vaccine we have turns out when the ex-president ordered vaccines under the amount he just wrote biggie size it walensky continued the fact that we don't know today five days into this administration and weeks into planning how much vaccine we have just gives you a sense with the challenges we've been left with how would you even describe coming to office with that situation we started off with empty cupboards the last administration left us nothing he's right about the empty cupboards part the biden's found no food in the white house just a note that says baking soda is the worst soda we got this to work now i got this to work isn't that great isn't that great no it's kind of funny but it doesn't it's not silly string anymore it's now a silly spurt it doesn't make a string form all this will be edited out obviously president biden has a plan to combat the pandemic with more vaccines and testing as well as emergency funding to state and local governments and 1400 checks for average americans it's the 1.9 trillion dollar american rescue plan but this relief plan is already running into trouble you see this weekend a bipartisan group of senators took issue with the bill's price tag with maine's angus king saying this isn't monopoly money all right let me put this in a way angus king can understand no sir it's not monopoly money but holding up this relief operation really does boggle the mind doesn't take a mastermind to see that the people are in trouble because life ain't no candyland when just going to the grocery store is a risk jenga hold on oh my god i have a feeling that i just did something very expensive one holdover from the previous administration is dr anthony fauci and after just one day of working for biden you could really feel the difference that's him working for the former president on the left and that's him on day one of working for biden that's the face of a man who no longer has to present his findings via puppet show and scratch and sniff in an interview with the new york times dr fauci said the former president was always trying to minimize the global pandemic explaining i would try to express the gravity of the situation and the response of the president was always leaning toward well it's not that bad right and i would say yes it is that bad adding the president would call me up and say why are you being so negativistic be more positive in fact the former president was so committed to staying positive he tested positive then spread that positivity everywhere he went it's all in the upcoming movie spray it forward america's ex was also into wacky cures without proof fouchy remembers the president would get calls from randos and he would take just as seriously their opinion based on no data just anecdote that something might really be important it wasn't just hydroxychloroquine it was a variety of alternative medicine type approaches it was always a guy called me up a friend of mine from blah blah blah so i'm sure everything the president recommended was peer reviewed in the new england journal of yada yada yada you get the drift dr fauci is not the only one from the coronavirus task force spelling the covid9t so is former white house coronavirus response coordinator and med school choir director saying your fever should be down here dr deborah burks burks appeared on face the brendan with margaret nation and revealed the ex-president was getting more than suggestions from outside sources there was parallel data streams coming into the white house that were not transparently utilized so i know that someone or someone out there or someone inside was creating a parallel set of data and graphics that were shown to the president i saw the president presenting graphs that i never made that's gotta suck you spend all night preparing your slideshow explaining u.s infection rates and then the president goes out and shows everyone a graph ranking his chicken mcnugget dips in order of someness awesome sauce awesomeness dr burks also provided a suspect i know now watching some of the tapes that certainly scott atlas brought in parallel data streams and if the rumors are true the former president will pay extra for streams we'll see we'll see speaking of which the ex-president is in deep doo-doo i'll tell you all about it and tonight's don and the giant impeach two go fast we're furious a president is inciting evil it's very sticky in our last episode the former potus became the first president ever to be impeached twice those are the only two times he's ever won the popular vote well tonight members of the house of representatives officially walked the article over to the senate now they did this once before but last time they didn't have to step over so much shattered glass and poop streaks but we're not going to be hearing a hearing anytime soon because the senate has decided to hit pause for two weeks because dems want president biden to be able to fill his cabinet and begin work on his agenda and republicans want to give the former president time to prepare his defense that's right rudy giuliani needs time to eat a big bowl of chili and load up on head juice but most republicans aren't eager to convict like south dakota senator a guy asking if your dad band needs a second bass player mike rounds yesterday rounds was asked about impeachment and he had a creative dodge do you believe donald trump committed an impeachable offense to begin with i think it's a moot point because i think right now donald trump is no longer the president he is a former president so you just want to let him get off scot-free for insurrection because he's no longer in power that's like acquitting jeffrey dahmer cause he's full another republican who thinks impeachment is a bad move is florida senator and man shunned from the cool senator's lunch table marco rubio yesterday rubio said he thinks impeachment is dangerous first of all i think the trial is stupid i think it's counterproductive we already have a flaming fire in this country and it's like taking a bunch of gasoline and pouring it on top of the fire oh there's a flaming fire you stupid idiot but you don't want to hold the arsonist accountable because you're afraid you'll be primaried by the kindling but one republican who hasn't pawned his moral compass is utah senator and magician watching his favorite dove fly away forever mitt romney when asked if impeachment was an appropriate measure romney said this well yes i i believe that that what is being alleged and what we saw which is incitement to insurrection uh is uh is an impeachable offense good for romney he has found the courage to break ranks with his republican colleagues and take the bold stance that trying to murder us is bad but despite some senator's open-mindedness about impeachment it's largely going to be partisan one republican senator said many view it as a game of shirts and skins i watched the video of that riot it's really shirts and skinheads over the weekend we learned yet another reason why the former president should be removed from the office he's already been removed from according to the new york times the then president plotted to fire acting attorney general and man who just burped into his own mask jeffrey rosen and replace him with justice department official and elton john if you went to law school jeffrey clark here's what happened from the moment bill barr announced his resignation the then president pressured rosen the acting attorney general to use the power of the justice department to interfere in the election rosen refused meanwhile clark sucking up to the president like a lamprey street walker drafted a letter that he wanted rosen to send to georgia state legislators that wrongly said that the justice department was investigating accusations of voter fraud in their state and that they should move to void biden's win there and if that worked they'd send georgians new stickers that said i voted but then some guy wrote a letter so forget it rosen who evidently and check me on this owns a spine refused to send the letter but clark went straight to the president who surprise just loved the idea so rosen got a call from clark telling him the president intended to replace rosen with clark who could then try to stop congress from certifying the electoral college results i don't know exactly how clark thought he was going to do that but i have a pretty good idea what he was going to wear clark then added that rosen could stay on as his deputy attorney general leaving mr rosen speechless yeah i'd be speechless too that's like a husband saying honey i realize you're not on board with me having a secret affair with lorraine but how about we get a divorce i openly bang lorraine and now you can watch not only do the former president's attempt to steal the 2020 election fail get him impeached and land hundreds of violent morons in jail it's also made some big problems for attorney and replicant failing the voint comp test rudy giuliani this morning rudy woke up to some bad news you see the manufacturer of the voting machines that rudy claims stole the election for biden dominion voting systems is suing him for 1.3 billion dollars over his baseless election claims rudy you've got two very difficult choices a learn how to win a lawsuit or b come up with a way to raise 1.3 billion dollars i'm just saying new york could always use a new bikini car wash mm-hmm as you may recall from memories that you've repressed rudy spent months accusing dominion voting machines of rigging the election on the orders of the ghost of venezuelan strongman uga chavez but as the lawsuit points out dominion was not founded in venezuela to fix elections for hugo chavez it was founded in 2002 in toronto to help blind people vote on paper ballots ah-ha but perhaps the blind people only thought they were in toronto but we're really listening to pre-recorded moose mating calls inside chavez's venezuelan vote farm a the lawsuit claims that rudy spread his lies to enrich himself through his podcast where he exploited election falsehoods to market gold coins supplements cigars and protection from cyber thieves and of course his most popular product gold-plated cyber secure boner cigars we've got a great show for you tonight my guest is serena williams but when we return i preview the super bowl that's right the one they play stick come around [Music] [Applause]

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 3,764,447

Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: _tJW9M07yog

Length: 14min 14sec (854 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 26 2021