WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." COLBERT. YOU KNOW, OVER THE
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
LAST SIX YEARS, WE'VE ALL HAD A LOT OF
FUN WITH THE IDEA THAT NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING, THERE ARE NO
CONSEQUENCES, TEAR UP YOUR HISTORY BOOKS, AND LIVE IN A
CAVE. BUT, OCCASIONALLY, EVERY SO
OFTEN, AND THIS IS ONE OF
THOSE SO OFTENS, SOMETHING MEANS
ANYTHING. AND MEANING OF ANY KIND IS
ALWAYS BAD FOR FORMER
PRESIDENT, THE COUNT OF MOSTLY CRISCO.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> WILL RECALL THAT LAST MONTH,<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE AND FOUND A BUNCH OF DOCUMENTS
F.B.I. WENT INTO MAR-A-LAGO
THAT ARE SUPER TOP SECRET, WHICH IS
SUPER TOP ILLEGAL. AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS
DESPERATELY BEEN TRYING TO
STALL THE INVESTIGATION BECAUSE HE
IS SUPER TOP GUILTY. ALLEGEDLY.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> LAWYERS GOOD?
OKAY. AND RIGHT AWAY, HE GOT SOME
HELP FROM CONSERVATIVE JUDGE
AND GIRL AND RIGHT AWAY, HE GOT SOME
HELP FROM CONSERVATIVE JUDGE
AND GIRL FROM CONSERVATIVE JUDGE AND
GIRL FROM THE RING WHO WENT TO
LAW JUDGE CANNON APPALLED THE
SCHOOL, AILEEN CANNON.
LEGAL COMMUNITY WHEN SHE RULED THAT
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT COULD
NOT USE THE OVER 100 ILLEGALLY
POSSESSED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS FOUND AT MAR-A-LAGO IN THEIR
CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION OF THE OVER 100 DOCUMENTS FOUND AT
MAR-A-LAGO. SHE SAID THEY HAD TO WAIT
UNTIL AFTER THEY HAD BEEN
REVIEWED BY A SPECIAL MASTER, WHICH SHE
SAID WOULD TAKE UNTIL NOVEMBER
30th. NOVEMBER 30th.
THAT WOULD GIVE THE PRESIDENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO HIDE ANY
REMAINING EVIDENCE. I CAN IMAGINE HOW HE WOULD
STUFF HIS THANKSGIVING TURKEY. AND...<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> CANNON THAT THEY WOULD APPEAL
HER RIDICULOUS RULING UNLESS
SHE MODIFIED IT IN SOME WAY.
SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T, SO THEY AND LAST NIGHT, THE 11th
APPEALED IT.
CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS RULED THAT
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT CAN USE
THE MAR-A-LAGO DOCUMENTS IN ITS
CRIMINAL PROBE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
BOOM! AWWW, SHUCKY DUCKY!
SOMETHING MEANS SOMETHING. IT'S HAPPENING!
ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES. I'M SO EXCITED...
TO FIND OUT THE UNIMAGINABLE PERMANENT DAMAGE HE'S DONE TO
OUR NATIONAL SECURITY. U.S.A.!
THE APPEALS COURT OBLITERATED THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MOST-
FREQUENT DEFENSE, WRITING, "THE PLAINTIFF SUGGESTS THAT
HE MAY HAVE DECLASSIFIED THESE DOCUMENTS WHEN HE WAS
PRESIDENT. BUT THE RECORD
CONTAINS NO EVIDENCE THAT ANY OF THESE
RECORDS WERE DECLASSIFIED." YES, THANK YOU.
YOU CAN'T SAY THERE'S AN ALIBI AND THEN PRODUCE NO EVIDENCE
OF YOUR ALIBI. "OFFICER, I COULDN'T HAVE
ROBBED THAT BANK. I WAS AT DINNER WITH MY
GIRLFRIEND. WHAT'S HER NAME AND WHERE DID
WE HAVE DINNER'? BASIS, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO
THAT IS ON A NEED-TO-KNOW
KNOW THAT I MADE THAT ( BLEEP ) UP.
IMPORTANTLY-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE. FAMILY SHOW.
NOW, IMPORTANTLY, THE APPEALS COURT ALSO NOTED THAT
"DECLASSIFYING AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT WOULD NOT CHANGE ITS
CONTENT OR RENDER IT PERSONAL" AND, THEREFORE,
"THE DECLASSIFICATION ARGUMENT IS A RED HERRING."
RED HERRING-- ALSO WHAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CALLS A
FILET-O'-FISH SMOTHERED IN TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, TWO
KETCHUP.
OF THE THREE JUDGES ON THE PANEL
WERE APPOINTED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT.<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> IT'S LIKE GETTING A FATHER'S
DAY MUG THAT SAYS "DAD OF THE YEAR...
IS NOW MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND. WE LOVE YOU, RICK!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> RICK'S A GOOD GUY.
RICK'S A REALLY SOLID GUY. YOU'D LIKE THIM OF HIM.
LAST NIGHT, TO DEFEND HIMSELF, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAT DOWN
WITH FOX NEWS HOST AND STEPDAD WHO RAN OVER THE HAMSTER,
SEAN HANNITY. FIRST UP, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
CLAIMED THAT, DESPITE THERE EVIDENCE, ALL THE DOCUMENTS
BEING ABSOLUTELY ZERO
FOUND AT MAR-A-LAGO HAD BEEN
DECLASSIFIED THANKS TO A
SPECIAL POWER: >> IF YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, YOU CAN DECLASSIFY JUST BY SAYING IT'S
DECLASSIFIED, EVEN BY THINKING ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OH, NO, THAT'S RIGHT! OH, NO, THAT'S TRUE.
NO, NO, THAT'S TRUE. THAT'S TRUE.
HE DECLASSIFIED THEM WITH HIS MIND.
PICK A DOCUMENT. PECK A DOCUMENT.
HAVE THE DOCUMENT? HOLD IT IN YOUR MIND, DON'T
TELL ME WHAT IT IS... ARE THESE YOUR LAUNCH CODES?!
ONE ITSY-BITSY PROBLEM: THE CLAIM THAT A PRESIDENT CAN
DECLASSIFY DOCUMENTS JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT IS NOT
SUPPORTED BY PRIOR PRACTICE OR LEGAL PRECEDENT.
OH, REALLY? HOW ABOUT...
NOW!? STILL NO?
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). WHAT IS THAT?
THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN USED
HIS MIND TO MAKE MORE DUMB
WORDS COME OUT OF HIS STUPID MOUTH.
>> THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A PROCESS.
THERE CAN BE A PROCESS, BUT THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT. YOU MAKE THAT DECISION.
SO WHEN YOU SEND IT, IT'S WE-- I DECLASSIFIED
DECLASSIFIED.
EVERYTHING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE. OKAY, I'LL HOP ON THAT CRAZY
TRAIN. LET'S SAY HE TELEPATHICALLY
DECLASSIFIED EVERYTHING LIKE
HE WAS WEARING A TREASON CEREBRO.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA
SOMEHOW FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW FOREIGN NUCLEAR SECRETS AND
THE SOMEHOW GETTING THE NAMES
OF ALL OF AMERICA'S UNDERCOVER SPIES
OUT THERE. HOW IS THAT BETTER?
ISN'T GETTING THE NAMES OF UNDERCOVER SPIES WHAT TOM
CRUISE IS TRYING TO STEAL IN
THE FIRST AND I SOMEHOW CAN'T PICTURE
"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"?
THE OUTFIT! JIMMIE, PUT THAT BACK
FORMER PRESIDENT IN THAT
UP. CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN?
OH, DAMN! OH, DAMN!
THE PRESIDENT-- TO QUOTE-- TO QUOTE FROM MY YOUTH, "BABY GOT
BACK." YES?
I BELIEVE THE TERM IS "CAKE." >> Louis: OH, HEY!
>> Stephen: I THINK WE JUST BROKE THE INTERNET, YOU GUYS.
THEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMED THAT HE DIDN'T PACK
THE BOXES, SO HE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT THEN HE SAID EXACTLY WHAT WAS
WAS IN THE BOXES.
IN >> BOXES AND BOXES OF
THE BOXES.
PICTURES, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES, TREMEN--
EVEN KITCHEN THINGS. YOU HAVE TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF
DIFFERENT ITEMS. MUCH CLOTHING.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> MUCH CLOTHING. MANY SHIRT.
VERY PANT. SUCH SOCK!
THEN THE STABLE GENIUS COMPLAINED ABOUT WHAT THE F.B.
I. TOOK FROM THE BOXES. >> THEY TOOK A LOT.
I THINK THEY TOOK MY WILL. I FOUND OUT YESTERDAY.
I SAID, "WHERE IS IT?" >> Stephen: YOU KNOW THINGS
ARE GOING WELL WHEN A GUY
SAYS, "I WAS LOOKING FOR MY WILL
YESTERDAY. WHY?
NO REASON. NOW WHERE ARE MY THREE
PASSPORTS AND MY BAG OF
MUSTACHES?!" <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Louis: QUALITY JOKE.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL ENJOY THESE JOKES.
AFTER THAT, THE FORMER WEIRDER: >> THERE'S ALSO A LOT
PRESIDENT'S EXCUSES GOT
OF SPECULATION BECAUSE OF WHAT
THEY DID, THE SEVERITY OF THE F.B.I. COMING AND RAIDING
MAR-A-LAGO. WERE THEY LOOKING FOR THE
HILLARY CLINTON EMAILS THAT
WERE DELETED, BUT THEY ARE AROUND
SOMEPLACE? WERE THEY LOOKING FOR THE
SPYING? >> WAIT, WAIT.
YOU'RE NOT SAYING YOU HAD IT, DID YOU?
>> NO, NO. THEY MAY BE SAYING-- THEY MAY
HAVE THOUGHT THAT IT WAS IN THERE.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY. WHAT?
THAT'S SO CRAZY, HE CONFUSED SEAN HANNITY.
AND SEAN COMES PRE-CONFUSED. AT THIS POINT, HE'S JUST
THROWING OUT MAGNETIC
CONSPIRACY THEORIES AT THE REFRIGERATOR
TO SEE WHAT THEY SPELL OUT. "MAYBE THEY WERE LOOKING IN MY
BASEMENT FOR THE SASQUATCH WHO SHOT J.F.K. WITH HUNTER
BIDEN'S LAPTOP WITH HIS
PARTNER JEFFREY EPSTEIN WITH BARACK
THE CHUPACABRA WHO HUNG
OBAMA'S LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
CHEMTRAILS." THEN, THEN--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> ISN'T THE ONLY LEGAL TROUBLE
FOR THE EX-PRESIDENT. YESTERDAY, THE NEW YORK
ATTORNEY GENERAL, LETITIA
JAMES, HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE A
MASSIVE LAWSUIT AGAINST THE EX-PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> VALUE OF HIS ASSETS IN ORDER
TO DEFRAUD THE BANKS WHO WERE GIVING HIM LOANS.
BUT ON HANNITY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TROTTED OUT A
WATER-TIGHT DEFENSE: "THE
BANKS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I'M A LIAR."
>> WE HAVE A DISCLAIMER RIGHT
ON THE FRONT, AND IT BASICALLY
SAYS, YOU KNOW, GET YOUR OWN PEOPLE.
YOU'RE AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS WAS DONE BY MANAGEMENT.
IT WASN'T DONE BY-- IT WAS
DONE BY MANAGEMENT, SO DON'T RELY
ON THE STATEMENT THAT YOU'RE GETTING.
>> Stephen: THEN WHY HAVE A STATEMENT?
WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT? "WE PUT ON THE STANDARD
DISCLAIMER: I AM LYING." I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HIM CLOSE
A BUSINESS DEAL. "SHALL WE SHAKE ON IT?
PSYCH!" WHAT'S-- IS THIS HAPPENING
NOW, WHAT'S THIS?
RIGHT NOW?
IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I AM BEING TOLD THERE'S
BREAKING SQUIRREL NEWS. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FOOTAGE
THAT WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK OF A PENNSYLVANIA MAN AT HOME,
TRYING TO CONDUCT A WORK ZOOM CALL.
>> LET'S JUST GET IN TO... UHM.
LET'S-- LET'S-- LET'S JUST GET INTO...
>> OH, MY GO--AHHHH! IT'S IN HERE!
GO! GO AWAY!
IT'S IN HERE! GO AWAY!
GO AWAY! GO!
GO! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
MUTE?" NOW, THAT MAY SEEM LIKE AN
EXTREME REACTION TO A SQUIRREL GETTING LOOSE IN YOUR HOUSE
BUT, APPARENTLY, IT'S NOT THE
FIRST AS HE EXPLAINED TO THE
TIME.
INTERNET: "OVER THE YEARS, I'VE BEEN
TERRORIZED BY SQUIRRELS," ADDING: "WAAUUGH!!
AAUGGH!!! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. I'LL BE TALKING TO THE STAR OF
"SOMEBODY FEED PHIL," PHIL ROSENTHAL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, NEIL DeEGRASSE TYSON.
