Florida Man Tier List

i've lived in florida my whole life don't feel bad save your tears and sympathy for someone else because i don't [ __ ] need him living in this wasteland has made me a stronger man it's taught me discipline taught me to say no to bath salts taught me to run away from old men at the beach invaluable life lessons that you can't learn anywhere else and over the last decade or so people have really been making fun of florida if you can even believe that mainly for their crazy headlines like florida man sticks bottle rockets up his [ __ ] at the zoo hops the fence at the alligator exhibit charges alligators with bottle rockets flying out of his colon spectators traumatized and you know this whole florida man epidemic and i thought well i've lived here for so long i think i'm the only one qualified enough to rank these florida men stories so today is going to be a nice little florida man tier list so let's just go ahead and get right into this here the first story here is just a classic florida fairy tale man strips naked into chick-fil-a and chases strangers around screaming for them to look at his penis when officers arrive at the scene he demands the officers look at his penis and his ass hitting the officers with the wombo combo and the body cam footage you can hear him say look at my ass how do you feel reminds me of something a therapist would say when they hold up the ink blots and then say hey are you getting an emotional response you know these rorschach are they making you feel something so perhaps it wouldn't be too big of a leap to say that maybe this man was just trying to look out for the mental health of everyone at the chick-fil-a by proudly parading his [ __ ] balls and ass around now overall this story isn't special this is happening at every chick-fil-a on a weekly basis in florida i can't even remember the last time i dined at a chick-fil-a without a floppy penis in front of my face i just thought it'd be good to ease us on into this with a common occurrence story like this so i'm gonna go ahead and put this at a d tier rating here just because it is very bland it's like the vanilla ice cream of florida man stories now this next story is one i'm sure we're all familiar with by now and it revolves around bath salts the story that put bath salts on the map in 2012 in miami a homeless man was eating the face off of another homeless man due to being under the influence of bath salts everyone speculated this could be the first outbreak of a zombie apocalypse or something the doomsday where zombies befall all of us and eat all of our [ __ ] faces off this was massive this was like the new boogie man you know parents would tell their kids eat those vegetables or a bath salt addict is gonna bust through the window and eat your face off it was terrifying but i think it's very important that we put this on the tier list to highlight the dangers of bath salts as well as just remember how close we were to some type of resident evil future with bath salts and cannibalism so this is going at a b ranking and it really was absolutely horrible but this story was so massive that it's impossible to ignore when talking about florida it's something that florida's become known for with its bath salts and then this cannibalism incident because it happened a couple times if i remember correctly but i just wanted to talk about the most famous one here and since we're already talking about zombies and eating faces off let's talk about state of survival if you want to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse you can try state of survival the most fun way of preparing for apocalypse is through state of survival the zombie themed survival strategy mobile game that immerses you in a post-apocalyptic world where you need to learn how to survive this game has everything an interesting storyline with virus leakage battle conspiracy even more virus leakage rebellion and even an evil company called gigacorp those responsible for the zombie 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the link below and you can use our creator code to just get a nice little in-game starter pack to help you build up your settlements speed ups and plenty of resources as well as a rare hero named rusty so if you're interested feel free now [ __ ] all your seat belts for this one really strap in because this is a wild ride in 2018 a 71 year old man's body was found he was shot in the chest pronounced dead and ruled a homicide but there was no gun to be found and it was a very mysterious death with all the surveillance camera footage they had everything just seemed very fishy was the zodiac killer back what had happened to this 71 year old man who had no enemies or anyone that would want him dead his wallet and everything wasn't taken it wasn't some kind of robbery so the question becomes who killed this man and why in a case fit for sherlock holmes these detectives had a herculean task in front of them over the next few weeks they made little progress in cracking this case there was no signs of a struggle it clearly wasn't a robbery they had no really good leading theories on what went on they could have [ __ ] speculated slenderman had killed this guy for all they knew it wasn't until they finally unlocked his phone that they started to notice some very odd things firstly he had purchased a 600 gallon weather balloon and a 40 cubic foot helium tank this was very out of character for this particular man according to his family and then it was at this point that they started to actually walk the trail they found him on and found a very odd discrepancy in the time between the gunshot and the time it actually takes to walk from the entrance where he was picked up on camera to where he was ultimately shot it was at this point that a man named detective brian hatched this crazy [ __ ] tinfoil condom conspiracy theory where he said it's not a homicide it was a suicide detective brian speculated that this particular 71 year old gentleman had purchased a weather balloon rubber bands this helium tank and had tied a gun to a string shooting himself in the chest with the gun and having the weather balloon carry the gun away getting rid of the evidence this man is like the [ __ ] l from death note with this kind of theory but as it would turn out after unlocking his phone going through his search history the 71 year old man was googling how to commit suicide how much helium is required to carry an item that weighs x amount of pounds away and all kinds of things that would indicate that he was researching how to shoot himself and then carry the gun away on a weather balloon the the reason for why it still remains a mystery to this day but this case has officially been ruled a suicide in the most likely place where he learned this method came from an episode in 2003 of csi las vegas where they weather ballooned a gun out of a crime scene they have no [ __ ] idea why he did this and faked his own murder maybe he just wanted to create a little mystery for detectives to solve just to challenge them or something to make sure they were fit for their position no one has any [ __ ] clue there but i know that everyone says everyone in florida is really goddamn stupid just a bunch of [ __ ] idiots living in florida but i think this man proves them all wrong this was nearly the perfect crime and he would have got away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling wives unlocking his phone because if they hadn't unlocked his phone and saw a search history they would still have no idea what happened i'm definitely putting this at an s-tier florida man story this next story is pretty brand new this happened very recently with a florida man clinging to the hood of a semi-truck and riding it for nine miles in what is a high octane full throttle nuts to butts action sequence so in the video you can see the man on the hood of the semi truck he's banging on the window the windows crack the truck driver is panicking swerving braking hard trying everything he can to get this man off his hood damn near trying to do like a [ __ ] backflip with a semi truck to get him off and it's not working this man has got the death grip on the hood this [ __ ] looks like a scene out of fast and furious or mission impossible like who's to say this isn't tom cruise doing a stunt on the highway now we don't know what led to this whole ordeal here maybe a verbal argument where the truck driver said hey kissing your sister is bad and this guy took a fence and hopped on the hood there's really no telling plugging this into the tearless this is an easy a now there are going to be some people that fight me on this ranking i understand that but i'm going to defend it even though the camera work here is great the people that film this did a fantastic job hats off to them sloppy kisses on the lips for them because the filming here is wonderful the only thing it's lacking is an explanation i don't know the lore i don't know why this has happened and actually i kind of would have liked to see a little more action like some michael bay [ __ ] maybe there's some trees exploding in the background maybe an attack helicopter gets involved chasing or something you know i just feel like there's room for even more crazy [ __ ] to happen but as it is it's a fantastic florida man freak out now let's go ahead and tackle what everyone kind of knows florida 4 alligators for some reason alligators are so central to the image of florida that it's one of the first things people picture right next to incest so we're going to go ahead and go through some alligator stories here kind of speed run them because there is a [ __ ] ton of these so we just chose some of the best ones that we could find so the first one here is pretty recent a few years ago a man was arrested for throwing a live three-foot alligator through the drive-through window of a wendy's we don't know exactly what motivated him to do this perhaps it was for a viral tick-tock challenge there's really no telling but the man was charged with aggravated assault i don't know if the alligator was charged but i do hope the alligator finds some better friends now this is definitely a sea tier story perhaps there's more to this like maybe it's some guardians of the galaxy [ __ ] where maybe this alligator is this guy's sidekick you know maybe they're like a tag team of crime or something but it's not the the greatest florida man story out there and it would have been even cooler if he was like a kimbowing alligators like dual wielding them and then tossed them both in or something that would have at least brought it up to a b but this [ __ ] is a terrible [ __ ] prank if that's what it was this next story comes from jacksonville where a facebook prankster goes into a convenience store with a live alligator and chases a man around pretending that he's mad about the last bit of beer he was clearly doing this as a joke and then grabs his little miller light to butt chug in the bathtub later and throw up this is absolutely an f-tier floor-to-man story this [ __ ] [ __ ] sucks facebook pranksters suck this whole thing is garbage chasing people with an alligator and a store it's some cruel garbage absolute [ __ ] trash now this next one's actually a heartwarming story most florida men just kick and beat up alligators or rape them just some [ __ ] terrible [ __ ] that these florida inbreds do to alligators but this guy is actually very sweet he treats them like little family pets by reading them stories and singing to them and recently he's been doing it during the pandemic to keep them calm and relaxed he was worried the alligators were stressing she began reading some like dr seuss books to him and singing some songs like wonder wall and [ __ ] in their exhibit and it's actually just adorable this is a heartwarming tale involving florida men and alligators so this one's definitely going up there at a nice cool b-tier florida man story now this next story sounds like something out of leonardo dicaprio's catch me if you can so a man in daytona was being charged with threats against chevrolet he was demanding 50 000 in a 2019 chevy malibu which looks like dog [ __ ] by the way no offense to malibu drivers out there but if you're gonna risk your [ __ ] life for the sake of a car you might as well choose a good car like a cyber truck or two school buses stacked on top of each other something [ __ ] badass like a mad max mobile but anyway he wanted the malibu he wanted fifty thousand dollars and he was threatening to release customer social security numbers that he had found and in response obviously chevrolet filed charges against this man and this guy hatched the genius idea of impersonating the prosecutors and having the charges dropped against himself so his plan was pretty simple he used the florida bar numbers and the names of a couple prosecutors and filed a no information filing against himself meaning there were no charges against him unfortunately this man being the [ __ ] neanderthal that he is filed the wrong papers and that triggered a lot of alarms and they were able to deduce that this was not the actual prosecutors this was the man in question pretending to be them which in and of itself carries multiple other felonies so by impersonating these people he got himself an additional three or four felonies i think it was and could face multiple decades in prison for it and he is currently being held without bail this right here is an a tier floor to man scheme this is absolutely fantastic the only reason it's not an s tier scheme is because i would have liked a little bit more ingenuity when it comes to impersonating i mentioned catch me if you can earlier i think it was a lot more creative what he was able to do this he just looked up florida bar numbers and some names and then pretended to file the documents he grabbed some other papers as well and just kind of altered them a little bit so he filed a lot of fraudulent [ __ ] but nothing about it really screamed creative genius you know what i mean it could have been a lot more in depth but even as it stands it's great he got himself an additional couple decades in prison as a result of him trying to be some kind of super clever super villain so it's a very good story definitely worthy of a tier at least in newport richie a man was arrested for trying to steal a truck with a teen in the back seat of the truck so of the five people that live in newport richie unfortunately one of them turned out to be a criminal and the story doesn't stop there after this man was arrested he was released from jail three days later and was again arrested in the parking lot for trying to steal a car that had an off-duty officer inside of it he left the prison and he walked over to a car with an officer inside of it yanked on the handle and tried to steal it and was again arrested so this was kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy here he kind of took care of himself i think he just enjoyed being in jail and was trying to speed run going back so this right here i'm giving this a c tier ranking and i look forward to revisiting this story in a year or so when he's arrested again for trying to steal an ice cream truck or something these are all the florida man stories that we wanted to cover this time around obviously there's hundreds of thousands to choose from but these were the ones that we remembered and definitely thought were worth ranking on a tier list at least to start so yeah that's about it see ya

Channel: penguinz0

Views: 2,290,674

Rating: 4.9586306 out of 5

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Id: CReyVPJKvdA

Length: 14min 55sec (895 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 05 2020