Bottled Water Tier List

this episode was brought to you by diss plate i'm dressed up today because we have the most important tier list we've made yet we are going to be ranking bottled water water is not created equal i don't care what kind of [ __ ] propaganda you're digesting you need to accept right now not all water is the same and today we're going to be tackling this very passionate field by giving you the facts scientific facts on what is the best and what is the worst bottled water so left to right poland springs origin i've never even heard of this before so this will be a nice bone springs but i've never tried it did you want us to move these or keep them here yeah move that way okay so do you know anything about it like more thing about it where is it from does it say oh refreshingly maine well i would imagine poland well it says maine on the back is there a poland in maine perhaps i don't i don't think so does it say anything new cedar springs dallas maine i bet humane is like has a large polish population ah maybe oil strength right on the bottom yeah i guess we should smell it once we pour it yes pretty sweet aroma a bit playful on the senses oh yeah do you have to aerate yeah of course can you tell what year it is yet not yet but it is vintage aged in a wood bottle okay excuse me it's cast aged casket that's on the sky this might just be the glasses but it's got a rosy hue to it yeah it might be my hands just reflecting through it no no it's probably a rosy hue yeah it's a rosy heel i'd say it's a maybe a 72 oh yeah i didn't coat all the taste buds you gotta cough it yeah that's when it really brings out the latent flavors well i gotta tell you matthew the polish know what they're doing with their springs i'm i'm shocked i don't know why it's in maine but i'm shocked with how great this is are you getting a hint of chlorine as well or just me that's some chlorine coming out a little bit yeah is that arsenic you know i'm pretty picky when it comes to water yeah and i'm not offended by that no that that one's not very insulting to me could mouth feel felt like water it did it had a very watery feel to it wasn't much of a taste which is great not salty none of that easy no carbonation either a smooth opening which i can always appreciate really yeah there's none of that yeah no okay this was a bit of an underdog water bottle for me i'd never heard of this brand before and i got to tell you i walked away pleasantly surprised it wasn't insulting even a bit playful at times on the palate i really appreciated the poland springs water so i feel comfortable slapping poland springs at the a tier just like i feel comfortable using this plate i'd like to talk to you about this plate i've mentioned them before but i really am a huge fan of their product i just recently as i mentioned last time got a wonderful metal vaginal art piece that looks like van gogh so a nice vagina van gogh piece that i've recently mounted next to the tv in my room just that way i'm always 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and then 15 off afterwards all right let's go on to a shitty one no bias wait keep it quiet when you open it let them hear them that's bad a little wet fart from your water you hate to hear it advertising oh that was a lot oh man she's she's queefing hard today and they're advertising venmo on the bottle who makes this is this pepsi that's pepsi oh [ __ ] all right thank you this is an insult there's bubbles in my water come on now yeah that's carbonated yeah you know you don't like to see this it doesn't even have a good spin to it i can't i'm sure everybody looked through mine you can see all the little things they're definitely going to say that's minerals but i don't think so that's like backwash from the from the workers yeah it's a little bacteria in there here let me get up let me get a smell it's like you just drank out of that no that's not it no that couldn't it doesn't make any sense just knock it off all right oh it's very heavy it's like steel in your mouth oh why it's not smooth and i it's not even that it just has a flavor it's a bad flavor yeah it's a yucky flavor is it the sony or aquafina that was banned in the uk do you remember probably yeah yeah i don't know actually but that's not good water i'd rather drink out of the ocean i'd rather drink out of the bathtub might as well just drink out of the toilet at this point i think that's what we're doing this is pretty gross these have their chief officers spit into each bottle just to give it a nice little touch yeah that's where the minerals come from it's not even refreshing it's making me thirsty i was gonna say i i don't know if you were joking or not but i feel like it dries out my mouth when i take a sip and i'm not even i'm not kidding it's just a very weird it's a feeling it's it's yucky i don't know what where are they where are they sourcing this water from hell is that word no no that's just the word or not see they're not even proud of where they get this water they don't even say what spring it comes from definitely just tap water from one of the sinks at pepsi no doubt in a surprise to absolutely no one aquafina is a hunk of [ __ ] and it's just not good water i don't think i've ever met someone in my life i've never met like some kind of maniac madman that said they like aquafina i don't know if even such a thing exists or really could exist the human body is hard-coded to reject the taste of aquafina it's abhorrent it is just some very bad water the only compliment you can give it is that if you're dying of thirst it might save your life but at what cost it's really not good i don't know who's drinking it i've never had an experience where someone's like hey i'm gonna get some water from this aisle over here and they walk back with aquafina like the only time you'll ever see someone reluctantly taking aquafina off the shelves is during like a hurricane event where it's a crisis and everyone's buying out all the water but naturally they all leave the aquafina because even during an emergency no one really wants that so aquafina it's a d tier and let me tell you why it's not f because there's one devil even worse than aquafina and you're going to see it on the list soon fiji fiji was the most expensive one this is some bougie [ __ ] i remember hearing about fiji water a long time ago it's finest water and it's bottled at what source oh in fiji fiji it's fiji islands well it's even got a whole little fan fiction earth's finest water on a remote island over 1600 miles from the nearest continent tropical rain slowly filters through volcanic rock into a sustainable ancient artist artesian aquifer drop by drop drop by drop fiji water requires natural minerals and electrolytes that give it its significant soft smooth taste perfected by nature there's nothing on earth quite like it all right i gotta hear a hiss oh wow good lord all right you gotta work hard for me yeah you gotta really try it i'm listening it's elbow grease that was probably just my bones breaking yeah i think your knuckles cracked we're good no hiss all right nice after those claims i'm i'm skeptical but i'm excited matthew look at how clear that water the clear i can see the there's no rosy hue in that one oh my here let me get some it's like it's like my it's like my prescription of my eyes through this thing here it's a do you have a prescription a slight one yeah but this will probably cure that that does look really nice there's no pepsi spit nothing no mineral bubbles this squashes danny's claim that it was my own backwash that came from the bottle not from me oh that is smooth that is smooth some pretty good right here cheers yeah that'll hydrate you that's that's good water that they made some bold claims but i think fiji backed them up no wonder it was so expensive yeah my god i feel like it was hand delivered from fiji yeah this is incredible stuff danny have you ever had fiji water i'm not sure actually your skin looks dry yeah i think it's fixing it take a swig yeah take a yeah get the taste you can do whatever you want i can't be mad after that soup shopkins pretty well it's pretty refreshing actually yeah it's crisp all of it's what oculusina left me hoping for was cured by fiji's water yeah the secret is the volcanic ash that runs into its minerals yeah now i'd heard of fiji before in the past kind of is just like a meme for the kind of person that spends way too much on too little you know like oh i'm gonna go to the store and get fiji and you get one bottle of water for a hundred bucks and you're like oh [ __ ] okay this guy's real [ __ ] you know crazy about his spending but you know fiji it's good like it it lives up to that reputation of being like an expensive quality water fiji was really [ __ ] good i have no complaints about it i think that is an easiest tier all day now i've never heard of this before evian made by the french alps now let's see where it's bottled yeah i love the design of the bottle it is it looks like a cracked egg it's supposed to be mountains but i really like the look i think it's supposed to be glaciers no well i actually i don't even know why i'm saying that it's an egg yeah i don't know what glaciers look like this is egg water now the cool thing here is they show you the breakdown on the electrolytes and mineral composition that is pretty cool yeah i don't know if you're able to see that clearly but well i don't know if danny's qualified to interpret these ph numbers like this is what about do you have a phd in chemistry danny yeah okay well then you're qualified to drink evian there's 360 bicarbonates 14 sulfates that is double the normal sulfates 15 silica that's concerning that is actually a lot of silica i don't know if i can put this on my body it feels like a toxic amount of silica 7.2 ph i love the ph balance hopefully no carbonation what are you uh there we go childish gambino does he that's a line from his song sweatpants or sweatshirt something sweaty it's a good portrait also pretty clear yeah it's uh you know you can tell the difference between this and aquafin like i just want to pull aquafina back out shame it again look how shitty it looks even in the bottle sucks yeah i know that's so gross that is a gross that is a gross water i wouldn't let my dogs drink aquafina that's like from a commercial where you see it running off the mountains yeah let's close that up it does look like another high quality piece of water you can really see the silica yeah that's a lot of silica i'm still concerned about that but yeah i think we'll be okay if you've been taking your vitamins yeah well i might od on this though she's got some character to [Music] you got here player like the harmonica oh there it is that brought it out that's what she was hiding this one stumped me yeah i don't know how to feel it's not it's no it's no fiji let's not mix words about that it makes me want to come out and say i love it but something's holding me back in there yeah i think it's just not as smooth it has to be the silica yeah you know it's not bad i mean we even get the chemical breakdown down here yeah i don't even know why i can tell you that it's not the best but it's not the best silica is what's coming in those little packets and department stores right yeah this tastes like a dillards that was my first thought as well too it's i mean what's really selling me is that it's carbon neutral i mean so you can feel good while hydrating i don't hate it i also don't hate it i think that's a comfortable b to your water yeah i'd even be comfortable going b plus but yeah for jackson's sake we'll stick with b yeah teetering on a but yeah i don't think it quite breathes another newcomer to the water game it was a pleasant surprise a decent experience i do say it was one of the better waters it was teetering on the a-tier but i don't think it quite breached that threshold i think b-tier is right where it belongs it's a very inoffensive standard decent quality water do you want zipper hills now yeah it's like just to really cleanse the palate and get something that we know was built by the gods here yeah i i've lived off zephyr hills for 26 years anybody who says zephyr hills isn't the best is wrong like objectively wrong just smoothport didn't even hear anything the best thing about this is they are confident they know right off the bat you buy their bottle and they tell you they're not a trash water that's exactly right i'm not trash i'm not trash no siree not today dad that's confidence and it's from a natural florida spring nothing says quality like florida florida no florida water [Music] it's like a meal a fine meal luxury done in a glass that's really good water it'll get it gets you hyped sorry you had to see me like that yeah he's going pure primal like it brings out i want to slam the wine glass i just don't get how they do it i don't know either that's spring so what uh who who searched for the fountain of youth was that a george what it wasn't george washington who looked for the fountain of youth it's like some nomad yeah some pawn stay leon or something promise de leon um i don't know bob marley you know who searched for the fountain of youth crystal springs pasco county florida now i will tell you it is ponce de leon oh i thought i was right can you deny that bob marley search for it i will tell you this is the only good thing to come out of pasco florida yeah but probably also the only thing that come out of pasco florida alive this is where you guys ever got the zebra house no i've swam in zephyr hills really that's fair it's cold well i bet it is oh this is just so good it's chilled to perfection um yeah so that'll do it we're gonna have to save that for once we did we'd take a sip of dasani zephyr hills we both knew going in s tier [ __ ] grew up on zephyr hill zephyr hills has never let me down i've never had a bad experience with zephyr hills water it is the most consistent most refreshing and just all-around like best water there is really especially for its price zephyr hills baby s tier all day i think like there's an objective bring out the sonic get that get that naughty little [ __ ] out here all right now first thing i want to let you know it's going to be hard to hear on these mics but it it's hard like yeah there's there's room in there yeah but this is like oh i could pop it listen to this part are you ready no get some earplugs that's the sound of fear look at all those bubbles it's just it's like armored yeah that's pretty good it's way too much plastic it's just wasted like i'm not convinced i'm not drinking liquid plastic oh and there's you can see the backwash going up in there here let's get a quick pour before we lose all of that yeah i want to make sure i save that precious uh regurgitated now is this coke's response to aquafina i think it's also owned by pepsi is it i could be wrong what's coke's parent company's name big coke or something yeah something like that yeah the coca-cola company well they both [ __ ] up yeah that's for sure let me just put this back between them oh now interesting the only two up here that i've seen have an expiration date on them aquafina dasani that's interesting i wonder why nobody else nobody else's water goes bad god you find one you shut your mouth the sun is just disgusting that one's worse than augustina it really is yeah just go ahead and get that out of your system matt it's not worth it it's painful it's painful september 3rd 2022. that's revolting for fiji no that's the date they were born in the future that is revolting water literally we have class we have to finish it it is repulsive water it should be a crime to own a case of this in your home you should be written off as a psychopath which means it's merely really valuation it is it is if you were dying of thirst in the desert and someone offered you dasani you're better off just dying this is also a plant bottle what's that plant in australia that makes you want to die yeah this is definitely built out of the gibby gimpy plant yeah absolutely that's the kind of plant bottle that is all right let me and there it is the worst water mankind is accidentally made dasani is truly horrendous worse than aquafina by a decent margin i would argue i wouldn't be surprised to learn dasani is latin for dog fecal juice because that's what it tastes like the [ __ ] dasani tastes like if you took a mcrib and shot it out of a car's exhaust and then liquefied it it's terrible dasani is absolutely abhorrent i don't know who drinks it by choice it's horrible dasani absolute f tier smart water never had that so my favorite little easter egg about smart water is when you look through the bottle there's a fish on the inside oh it's adorable what is that fish doing there danny take a peek at that stuck in there whoa playful water yeah reminds me of the fish from the load stitch yeah that is playful it's so crispy and way way way living i'm seeing something here what do you got on the dasani bottle you see that logo i do see is that coke i know it's coca-cola is that their logo i think so because on the back of this bottle i've seen a very simple it's ruined very soon but this says it's made by oh well i do trust them for quality maybe oh this is sip and scan so maybe we're good maybe it has nothing to do with what the [ __ ] is sipping skin i don't know they're trying to get me to buy something else all right and that's conspiracy theories it's all connected it's also vapor distilled water and electrolytes for taste my [ __ ] throat hurts from dasani it is bad water don't have water in your glass by the way oh this is supper hill's really good yeah you're a lucky man yeah dasani just like aquafina made me feel dehydrated yeah like it actually makes my throat hurt oh that is a nice pore it's got a nice sound to it it did have a good sound good decibels right there that means quality water and minerals do a big aeration on this one it's got a smell most water doesn't have a smell it's got a taste too the last thing you want in your water is for it to taste yeah i'm not convinced that logo doesn't mean coca-cola now yeah i honestly think that's just dasani if it was on meth this is meth dasani yeah it's like lights i think we might have to put meth in dasani to compare that'll solve it yeah it's not good yeah that is not good i i'm looking it up i i'm not convinced coke doesn't make your smart water oh here's where it comes in what is it listen listen to this dog [ __ ] we took inspiration from our puffy white friends clouds and created pure vapor distilled smart water trademark with a purely balanced ph then we one-upped nature and added electrolytes for a crisp clean taste nobody wanted you can't one-up nature it's literally impossible now let me let me drop a bomb on you yep glasses smart water is a brand owned brand of bottled water owned by the coca-cola i knew it it's all connected can you say that first word again i took five years of french ambassadors include jennifer aniston and gal gadot oh my god they're all in on it jesus how deep does the corruption go matthew it's i think it's based in scientology i wouldn't be surprised if bill gates is behind that it might be and it's yeah the garbage water my ass that's a d it's it's d because it's not as bad as dasani or we could taste that it was a coca-cola water from the get-go yeah matt sniffed out the truth it was bad sick to my stomach never had smart water never will again wasn't good not as bad as aquafina or dasani but it's still deep tier and again aquafina i don't think is as bad as the sunny either which is why the sun is alone in the f-tier right now even though aquafin and smart water are both also absolute [ __ ] garbage trash it's just the sunny is so [ __ ] bad it needs to have a category all to itself is like the like the absolute lowest point water could go like there's raw sewage and then there's dasani down here like it's that [ __ ] bad and smart water was somewhere above raw sewage it's so deter i think works now this is the biggest wild card yeah none of us have ever had this it's core water it one ups evian which boasts a 7.2 ph balance this one's sitting at the perfect ph it says of 7.4 which is your body's natural ph balance that is interesting seven stage purification electrolytes and minerals for taste and a hundred percent recyclable bpa-free really i i gotta say the design of the bottle is pretty interesting it's like cyberpunk 2070 so i like this oh oh i don't know what that sound was i don't know whether to hang out get a look at this goofiness in here look how whoa look at how wacky that gets you could like pour yourself a shot from this with the water that's probably what it's for wow and look at the massive opening you could definitely get big swings yeah whoa that's a wide mouth bottle that is yeah look at how she comes out so aggressive wants to be consumed yeah and it wants to be consumed quickly well i'm coming in speed run oh it's got a taste it tastes like ice burnt ice i've never tasted my own ph before yeah it's like looking into a mirror of my soul through my water this is like human saline yeah well it's not bad but it does have a taste yeah i don't the taste isn't i don't dislike it it's the first water that's had a taste that i don't dislike like i don't wish the taste wasn't there it gives me a little bit of that mouth feel that dasani and aquafina do though where you feel a little dry but i'm not as upset with it yeah i also don't know i i guess i can't dispute but i don't know if my body's natural ph wants more of the same ph being put into yeah like i kind of want to be unique i don't i don't want to drink that does it say where the spring is that they source this from i think it's just humans they just start dehydrating corpses i think i'm tasting memories plano texas plano texas no that's where i would expect this to come from yeah it's the heart of texas yeah i could taste the old country elements to it of course yeah i could actually feel myself wanting more gun rights as i took my smokes and they made the mouth bigger like they always say everything's bigger in texas yeah that's a good that's a good point i mean you could dump the whole bottle out and it's like you went full inversion it's perfect for a trigger yeah the entire thing's just coming out all at once oh don't let badlands get his hands on this let me just oh wow that comes out quick that's nuts that comes at you fast i'm gonna go for it oh boy matthew you've gone insane i can't do it while laughing i'm gonna drown nobody's ever get shot core he's not powerful it really does come out much faster than you'd expect yeah it's a full flash flood in there i thought i just saw my life flash before my eyes that's what happens people try to chug core they die and they become the next core water bottle cycle 7.4 ph my ass yeah i can't dispute it but it doesn't taste like my body like if i was to piss in my mouth i'd probably say like probably different ph yeah well there's no uranes in there that's what i was that's what i'm also missing the silica yeah thank god core about as average uh wild wacky as you could imagine for a water bottle i suppose i think sea tier fits it best it's not something you know overwhelmingly horrible it's not that bad and it's not that good either just it's right on that line of yeah that was water and that's good enough and so yeah i think corey is going to sit comfortably in the seat here so that's about it these were the most popular waters that we could find at the gas station so yeah i mean that's about it see ya

Channel: penguinz0

Views: 3,314,794

Keywords:

Id: oJMXh2sP3No

Length: 28min 5sec (1685 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 29 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/goldify]

Came to post this lmao

[u/maumau818e]

I know kirkland water aint here since it goes beyond S Tier

[u/Julius_R_W]

Giving A- and S-Tier to Nestle waters - I feel sad.

[u/[deleted]]

Gave evian a lower score than deserved, and praised the nestle water. Tsk tsk