Hello everybody! My name is Markiplier and welcome back to Job Simulator. *enthusiastic waving* Hi, Job Bot! How are you doing? It's good to see you! Anyway, I was just trying to record this and because this is all new setup, I accidentally *INHALE* Broke everything, the recording failed, I was trying to do the auto mechanic and I only got halfway through and then everything exploded, literally, there was goo everywhere and I don't even know where it came from (that's what she said) So, I'm gonna pick one of these Eenie meenie miney moe, catch a tigger- I'm gonna do the gourmet chef. BOINK! 'Cause I actually- (Job Bot)- an aspiring chef? (Mark)- You sure do, buddy! Look at me, I actually love cooking When the boys were living here, and they moved out back to Glendale, but, uh, when they were living here, I loved to cook chicken and dumplings. It was my Mom's recipe... Hello. Hi! (Job Bot)- Hello, human. This is an accurate simulation of "Gourmet Chef" (Mark)- Ooh. OHHH! Yes! *throws paper* I'll take it! Sorry! (Job Bot)- Get started by making some breakfast (Mark)- Got it. (Job Bot)- Get to the grill and let's get fryin' Ok. Habadup Habado-oh, grill, sorry. (Job Bot)- Even though humans spend the entire night in a state of low power consumption, They still require food energy as soon as they wake up. *enthusiastic* Really? (Job Bot)- Bacon and eggs provide a high energy-taste ratio (Mark)- I love bacon and eggs, even though I haven't had any in a long time, cause even though I said I like to cook, I actually was lying to myself. BACON! Ooh, shit. Eh, it's probably still good. It can be on the floor for at least a little bit and... ...pffft! Is this hot? There we go! Yeah, I like it whe- ooh shit.. It's so realistic, it's bubbling and I wonder- (NOM) what would happen if I- Whoa. I didn't mean to do that! I didn't mean to eat it right off the grill! OOOOoohhh... Probably needs some- uh-oh. (Job Bot)- It's getting pretty (WELL DONE) Ah-ha. (Mark)- (NOM) ehheh (NOM) (NOM) elele Thank you! Oh, shit, I was supposed to give that to a customer. And, no! I'm not gonna put the wrist straps on, because, I like to live dangerously. *obviously* Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be doing this with just my hands, I mean, all things considered, I just ate with my face on the grill, and probably have 3rd-degree burns- There. Uh, ok, I guess that's good enough for everybody. Do I have to crack this? enh. Aw, shit! What'd I do? Lemme just pick that up. Eh, no harm, no foul. I love it when my eggs are on fire. They call it eggs Bene-dick. Hah, shit. (Job Bot)- ...put your creations on a plate and you can ring the bell to send it out to the restaurant. *realization* OOOOHHHH! Oh, that would be much better than just setting it on the dirty countertop! Oh, I'm sorry... AAAH! Mah bacon! Where did mah bacon go?! Job Bot, gimme the goddamn bacon back. I don't have anymore bacon! How am I suppos- Here we go. *reaches through portal* AHH! OH! Unreality! Uhhh! Breaking everything! Oh, God. I'll just take that, thank you. Oh, God! Where'd it go? (heh) Give it back, please... Oh, I am in a place I should not be. Where's that goddamn bacon? Oh, jeez... Can I have this? ooh. Can I-okay we're gonna be careful. Don't look at me like that, Job Bot. You know this is perfectly normal, I'm just a human that can phase through walls and objects. *getting angry* You're just a machine! What're you gonna do in place of me? * rage* HAH? push your buttons there eh. Okay. BOINK! *bell rings* bing! hehe Good enough! Congratulations, robot, I don't know how you're gonna eat that, but hope you have fun with it. (Job Bot)- (THE SMOOTHIE) is one of the most efficient forms of human food. Simply take some of your inefficient solid food and put it through the blender. What blender are we talking about here? I do not see a blender. This is wasting fake energy. I real-I legitimately- when I went over there, I got I got a little bit agida- because I hate when the doors are left open on the refrigerator, and I was like "eh that's not supposed to be done like that". Where's the goddamn blender? Am I just supposed to shove it in my mouth, and chew with reckless abandon? Huh? *amazement* WHOA. WHOOOOOA! *glance* Cool! Where's the blender? I mean, I got the burninator. OHHH! That is so convenient! Oh, that's space-saving! I'm gonna stick my hand in there. Everyone loves a potato smoothie! Huuu- oh, whoops, not done yet. *blender sound* Yeah! What happens if I do this? Uh-oh! Oh no! Ahhh! It's tingling! Oh, this is some rather infected corn. Get that in there. Good. Um, *NOM* Well, shit. Well, that's half a peach anywa- oh, god damn, it's half a peach. Why am I reaching around it? I can just go through it. So weird. ugh Alright, good enough. (Job Bot)- pour it out into a cup and then we can serve it. (Mark)- You got it, buddy-boo! ehh It is still- it's so weird because, if I'm not thinking about things, I will try to rest my non-real hand, this, fake, bullshit polygonal hand, on the countertop. and that is bizarre, and says something about me, or says something about virtual reality in general. Hello! What's up next? I'm ready, Job Bot. Oh, hello! Customer! *claps* Good to see you! (British Bot)- Hello, human. Helloo! (British Bot)- Might I trouble you for some tea and crumpets? Shit. *bubbles* (Job Bot)- Tea is a traditional human beverage consisting of heated (WATER) and (FLAVOR). Let's begin with heating some water by using a (KETTLE). *Water Bubbling* *prolonged silence* *burst of excitement* IT'S SO REALISTI- Ok, anyway; So we need to get a kettle here. We need the pot and then we need water, which I'm assuming we're gonna need the sink for that... God, this is so cool! I LOVE THIS! Can I have-can I *gasps* OH GOD! WHY CAN'T I TOUCH YOU?! *desperate inhale* WHY WON'T YOU LET ME CLOSE?! *insane flailing* WHY ISN'T THIS RELATIONSHIP PROGRESSING? (high-key lonely Markimoo) So, I need... water, and I need... I guess I can just, OOOoOOoooo, Kettle 2000 I'll take that I-again, I half-expected that to have WEIGHT on it when I was done Alright, while we're gonna be doing this, I might as well get both so that I can be a bit more efficient about it *is a bird* Well eh- so long as I don't miss the pot and just spray water all over Job Bot I don't think machines actually take too kindly to that. Well I'm just not doing good am I? ehhh Wait. *pause* uhhhhh Ah shit! That's not the right way to do it! God dammit I was just supposed to do this on the grill but that doesn't make any sense Why would you heat a kettle on the gr- I mean I guess it's just HAAAAt so it'd work All right, fine, whatever BLOOIINK *bubbles* mmmmmm hm mm OOHMMWUHM YES INDEED QUITE MMMWAHWAH TEA AND CRUMPETS MWAHMWAH Imanna throw it to yah bastard *kiss noises* (Job bot) Like most beverages, tea is best optimized for consumption by being placed in a cup. Uh-huh Okay You got it *intense pouring* Kay All right You want it? (Job bot) Similar to tea, CRUMPETS also require heat. Okay, you lost me here. Crumpets require heat? This is a bunch of BULLshit! DON'T LIE TO ME okay where are we goin'? Crumpets! Crumpetscrumpetscrumpets! wh- ARE THESE CRUMPETS I DUNNO WHAT BRITISH SPEAK MEANS HEEEAHHH IS IT GOOD ENOUGH? (Job bot) For flat items, humans use devices called TOASTER AHHHHH IT'S COOooked DUMMY I DON'T NEED A TOASTER screw your tOAST All right, fine. uh the only crumpet that I have here BOINK How bout another one? BOINK doink Aw man this is giving me "I am bread" flashba- (Markimoo is scarred from the great quest) I DIDN'T MEAN TO THAT WAS NOT THE INTENTION EUUHH just put it there BOING okay YOU WANT SOME MORE TEA? ahhh Shit I MISSED oh well.. what's next buddyboo? Come on, tell me. I'm ready and willing (Job Bot) Let's try making some soup. As you can see, there are several different kinds we could make. But they all start with putting some water in the pot. Okay Salt the pot too. Just in case. All right so we need more WAAAter I had a better vehicle for delivering water in there But I mean...okay. (Job bot) Great, (Mark) Oh! (Job bot) Now fill it up with whatever kind of ingredients you want. OH! *hitmarker* PERFECT! I love corn soup I actually love corn on the cob Right there Little bit of vintage grape juice. Not wine! oh sorry *drinking aggressively* ALALALA ALABALALA ALABALA Ok, little more in there Everyone loves cooking with wine! OOOH, flower never hurt nobody Some cookie soup sounds pretty good to me. I'm like a four-year-old who's trying to cook in the kitchen. BOINGITYBOINGITYBOINGITYBOING Stir it alllllll up in there! *slapping soup* Bam! Turn that heater up! I don't know what this is, it's a cork! I guess I immediately knew what that was. But, OH NO! Who broke my goddamn dish? *aggressively throwing various items at customer* Did you do it, you, British asshole? Alright, wh-what the fuck? What is this, sixty seconds? 'Corn, Cookie, & Pretzel Soup' 'Naturally artificial.' You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd assume that this is a computer simulation, and you're just fucking with me, but whatever. BOINK! BING! *bell dings* Who needs a bOOOWL? (Job Bot)- Mmm, just like Mom Bot used to make. (Mark)- You don't have a mother. (Job Bot) Next, create a vertical arrangement of organic elements. Humans refer to this as a saaAAaandwich. Pffthaaaandwich What are you, me? With your lisp.. OKAY God dammit I Am Bread... *war flashbacks* WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME- is it a never ending loaf of bread? oh my god it IS?? OHHH MY GAWWD IT NEVER ENDSSS I'M SOMEHOW AMAZED AND FASCINATED BY THIIIIIIIIISSSSSS WHUUAAT IN THE FUUUAAAAAA-okay anyway Now what? sandwich? why? why is there a setting for sandwich? I wish MY kitchen had a setting for goddamn sa- There was bread always here!? Oh, fuck that! Slap that on there, I like it raw! I like it as rare as can be. Ah, chicken leg's good! I dunno what that is. I hope it's a meatball! I mean, even what I think it might be, it might still be a meatball, but I'm not a hundred percent I wanna know... Oh, mushroom, I hate mushroom, but I'm not eating this so who gives a shIIIT... Let's get more layers on there. Let's get some milk! Everyone likes a milk sandwich. Ah, shit! Boink! DONK! Yay! Okay... Job Bot: I'm trying to cut down on <GLUTEN>-
Mark: Aw FUCK! Job Bot: - but that looks pretty <SANDWICH>. Thanks, Job Bot! It IS pretty 'sandwich'! I got this... Why am I trying to balance this? It's all fake! IT'S ALL IN MY MIND! IT'S NOT REAL! YOU FORGOT YOUR MILK, BITCH! *flings milk* EAT A DI-um, EAT MILK! Drink milk! Whatever, I dunno. Mark: I used to work in a restaurant
Customer: [in a French accent] Yes, bonjour. Customer: Today I brought you a very rare steak. It is a 1984 vintage! Customer: I wish to have it prepared. EUUUUUGH! It looks delicious! UUUUGH! I don't know what I'm supposed to with this! I mean, I know it's fake. My mind is telling me that this is absolutely not juicy. ... But ignorance is bliss! Okay, here we go. [juicy sizzling] How do I- Is this all I'm supposed to do? Because, frankly... Customer: Please, human. Do continue, I do wish for it to be well done. Okay! I mean, tha-that's a double strag right there! You're eating- Customer: Yes, quite well done, that! Customer: If you would be so kind as to pair it with your finest vintage grape juice? What happens if I put olive oil in a cup, would you like that? In this deforestation cup. Anybody want some? Probably delicious. I mean you're French, you wouldn't know the difference, huh? *throws olive oil at customer* hubbuh! SORRY *kisses in French* Can I - *short enthusiastic laugh* - I really wanted to bite it off of there! Idun wahhuunh Dammit. *splunk* It's not real life! Here you go, buddy! You French lovely person! Customer: Please have it delivered out to the restaurant at once. I`M READY! Are you ready? Job Bot: - Oh, wait a second. Job Bot: Before you plug that, did you realize that-*bottle shattered noise* Job Bot: -that was famed meat aficionado, Meat Bot? Mark: NO! Job Bot: We better make sure our service is... 'exceptional'. Mark: Why are- Job Bot: Better set this on the plate too... Why- Well, I want it! :( I wanna eat this! Fine, whatever! I don't care. It was HIS steak! He brought it in! If it's bad, it's HIS fault! HALLO! Welcome to the restaurant! How may I service you? Customer: Hello! It's my little Timmy Bot's birthday. Customer: Can we get some pizza for the kids?
Mark: [amazed by glasses] Wow~ Mark: No, you absolutely cannot! Job Bot: 'PIZZA' is generally defined as a combination of Job Bot: 'BREAD', 'TOMATO' and 'CHEESE'. Job Bot: Chefs would put their own twist on the dish, adding additional food items known as 'TOPPINGS'. UUUUUHMMM Job Bot: Let's begin by blending up some homemade tomato sauce. I ESSS OKAY You know what? I'm not gonna argue with you, because frankly I don't even know how to make pizza. Even though it's really simple and Most the time it's just frozen and delivered pizza that I eat I'll give it a go. And I'm REALLY gonna try this time! Enough sarcasm out of me, you're not gonna get a single joke. It's serious business up in here! Ooh shit. Job Bot: Looks delicious! Now apply - 'SAUCE' to 'BREAD'. ooooOOH okay, never mind then! Well, good thing I got all this bread on the floor! No one seems to mind. Mark: Yeah, that looks pizza!
Job Bot: You're almost there! Job Bot: Combining the bread with some cheese in the microwave should fulfill all material requirements. OOOOOOH! FFFRRRRBBBT OOOOOH This is GOOD! Okay. So I just slap that in there (that's what she said), throw that in there, nuke it at a THOUSAND megawatts... *Awkward silence* *beep* EH, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH! Probably good. Can I- Job Bot: That looks like enough to supply the festivities. Job Bot: Send them off to the dining room. *Markimoo is processing* I have some questions about the logic behind this?! I mean... I'm open-minded, y'know. Don't get me wrong. I would be more than- oops. *More awkward silence* I would be more than happy to have that come out if I put bread, tomatoes and cheese *Inhale* in a microwave, But FRANKLY- (he seems to like that word) AH whatever, They're - fvugf - They're happy with a half-eaten pizza, It's gonna be fine. ... I CAN'T READ THIS! NO. Customer: I forgot to mention, Little Timmy is deathly allergic to tomatoes. Customer: Could you make a special slice - Customer: What do you want instead of sauce on your pizza, Timmy? Timmy: I want sauce! That sauce! Timmy: Make me apple sauce! Customer: Alright! The human will make you some apple sauce, go sit down now! [Mark casually giving himself virtual second degree burns] [High-pitched screams of a person on virtual fire] Okay, apple sauce it is. I'm not one to question the customers, especially when they're robot overlords that consumed my entire existence and killed off every other human so that I have to live my existence like this. So here we go! With your stupid apple pizza! Has anybody even made this before? Customer: Oh, one more thing: Timmy is also allergic to warmth. Customer: Could you just serve the ingredients raw? OOOKAY THEN! YOU KNOW WHAT? I AIN'T GONNA QUESTION IT ANYMORE! BECAUSE FRANKLY I'VE HAD *puberty voice crack* JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS ROBOT WORLD! [Inhale] DING DONG! Customer: Thank you! YOU'RE WELCOME! HAVE A LOVELY DAY! I LOVE YOU! Customer: Hey Timmy! The human made it special for you! Mark: Is he gonna-
Timmy: Mmm! Just how I like it! Is he gonna allegernize and explode? [Creeper voice] I can't see him properly. ... DAMMIT! He's still alive! Okay, here we go. Hello. Customer: *whispering* Hey! Human! Customer: Help me out here!
Mark: No! Customer: I'm trying to propose to my romantic partner-
Mark: Oh god no. Customer: I want it to be a surprise.
Mark: Still no. Customer: Can you hide this ring inside a sandwich or something? [dying whale garbles] Eh, I couldn't do that. I mean, I was gonna punch it outta my chest after the moment arrived, but apparently not. Okay, sandwich! I mean, I don't even understand. How are you people eating these things? I mean, I get it's a simulation just for my entertai- [sees instructions on screen]
That's gonna be awkward. Okay, whatever. It's a ring sandwich! BING! Okie-dokie then. Customer: Ohh, that's great!
Mark: You're welcome! Customer: Uh, one more thing though:
Mark: WHAT!? Customer: I want to have some romantic music playing while I do it, but I forgot to burn this disc. Customer: Uh, could you burn it for me? Job Bot: To show affection for one another-
Mark: *hacking sound* Job Bot: humans of the past would 'BURN' music onto primitive storage devices called 'DISCS'.
Mark: *still trying to hack up a hairball* Job Bot: The details of the 'BURNING' procedure have largely been lost to history, Job Bot: though it MUST have had something to do with heat. [Mark finally coughs up the hairball] [Machine sounds] AHH! [Confused rooster noises] [Buzzing sounds from toaster] OHHHHH OKAY! Customer: Oh, that'll be perfect! Thank you so much!
Mark: ?? Customer: And make sure you load the disc into the boombox Customer: and hit 'play' before you send out that sandwich. Customer: I'll take care of things from there. I don't understand anything this- What the fuck, how did that get on there? Well, whatever! Let's crank the tunes, get the romance started! [cheesy romantic tune plays] Oh, I probably should've put this on. Hang on! Ready 'Totally Disco'. Hey- I'M RUNNING THIS SHOW ON THE ROMATICISM SO YOU ALL SHUT UP! [Disco tunes start playing] [Totally hip and rad disco music] [Disco intensifies] [Music continues in the background]
Okay. Have fun! Hope he says 'No'! Oh, shut up! [Music stops] Customer: Huh! That's interesting. Customer: I wonder if there's something... different inside? Romantic partner: Wha-What do you mean? Romantic partner: Wh-*gasp* What's this? Customer: My sweet, I 'EMOTION' you! Customer: Will you 'ENTER A LEGALLY BINDING PARTNERSHIP' with me? Romantic partner: Oh, of course! I'm the happiest bot in the world! Customer: Oh wow, the answer was affirmative! The answer was affirmative! YAAAY! WHY'D YOU RUN AWAY? Or did she follow with you? He? I dunno, you're robots. Do you even HAVE genders? FINE! NEXT! HERE WE GO! I like weird. Customer: Hello, the kids are all finished with their pizza and now they're ready for cake! Customer: We DO get a free birthday cake, right? WHY? I'm not even making any money off of this! I'm doing this for quote-unquote 'fun'! Job Bot: -morally obligated to provide free cake on children's birthdays. Why? Job Bot: Lucky we have a 'MICROWAVE' that can quickly mutate 'INGREDIENTS' into 'FOOD'. Okay, when you said that word, I was a little curious about what you were talking about- OHH. I get it! 'Flour'!
(Pronounced similarly to 'flower') [Forced laughter of a human who is a slave to robot overlords] Carrot cake! I likey car- I am drooling everywhere, but that's because I'm losing my mind and it's oozing out mah butt. Alright, here comes a great cake, little Timmy-Billy, whatever your fuckin' name was! DOINK! DOOOINK! OHHH! Look at that! Lil' Tim Tim, here you go! Bing-bong-a-ding-dong, have a good day! Mark: Hold my haaaand.
Employee: Hey boss, that party left a huge pile of dirty dishes. Employee: We're gonna need your help to get through these. Mark: I'm the boss?
Employee: They're pretty nasty, so make sure you use a good squirt of soap. I'm the boss? I'M the boss?? Someone didn't tell me that I was the boss here! And if I'm the boss, why am I doing dishes!? IS THIS FUN YET? God, this is so realistic! I'm almost as bored as I could be! [Wordless singing] [Singing while waving hands around in mid-air] [Imagine Mark singing while doing his dishes.] [Things taken out of context are weirdly funny.] What if I just- Eh. Eh. Oh. I am skilled. Mark: Hap! Hap!
Employee: Great! Thanks for your help! I'm gonna assume that that went exactly as I imagined it did not, because the programming assisted my own stupidity. Because I don't need... [Awkward pause in attempts to be cool] I don't need- That was supposed to be much smoother, but take it as being- Chef: I need your help! The health inspector's on his way over and Chef: I don't think we're gonna pass inspection! Mark: Okay.
Chef: We need to clean this place up! Chef: And make it safe! And sanitary! Chef: And you can start by destroying all these old fruit! Ugh! Uhh, okay I only have two hands! Why'd you hand me the box? Where am I supposed to do it? Can I blend it up? Can you get th- Oh, god. Can you get that box outta my face? What're you supposed to do? Not toast it, apparently. [Machine clanking] Uh... Habadoop! Let's see. Hey! Out with the old, in with the good! Job Bot: Okay, that's one thing taken care of. How 'bout those sprinklers? Job Bot: See that little thing up on the ceiling? Mark: AHH!
Job Bot: Try chucking something at it. Mark: Ah!
Job Bot: See what happens. Ah, shit! Ah, goddammit dude! Ahh! Job Bot: I... guess it's not working! Oh well-
Mark: AHH! Job Bot: what are the chances of there being a fire in here anyway? Mark: AAH!
Job Bot: We'll only need to deal with any potential insect problems. Job Bot: Look around and see if you can find anything. UM. 'Please Don't Spit In Food'. Aww, man. I wish I'd read that earlier. Well, we're- [Manly screaming] [Manly screaming complete with manly arm-flailing] Job Bot: Yikes! That's not good!
Mark: AHH! Job Bot: You need to do something about these guys! Job Bot: Get rid of them, quick!
Mark: *sounds of disgust* What do I d- eegh... beh. [chuckle] Eeh... Guhh. hadeBEDEH! guhh~ [shrieks] Mark: Okay, they're all dead, I hope!
Job Bot: Well, I guess that'll have to do. Job Bot: Here comes the health inspector. Mark: YUOH HEY!
Inspector: Okay, Inspector: everybody stop what you're doing. Inspector: It's inspection time.
Mark: Oh! Hi! Hey cutie! How're you doin'? Inspector: Hmm. Yes. Interesting. [Mocking] Hmm. Yes. Inspector: Hmmph. It's questionable.
Mark: [mocking] Mmmeh. MMMPH. MMMERPH Inspector: Hmm... Alright then. I'll just tally these results. [Dial-up sounds] Inspector: And it looks like you've passed. Mark: YEAH!
Inspector: This time. Okay. Good enough. You want some slop? We've got plenty of high-quality slop here. Job Bot: Phew! That was a close one.
Mark: Fresh outta the blender. Job Bot: But now we can get back to business. Oh boy, I can't wait. Euyck! HEY! I- I was like ten for ten. Chef: Hey chef! There's a bot here to film an episode of some-
Mark: There's a BOMB? Chef: -TV show with you?
Mark: Oh. Chef: Well, they say it was already booked ahead of time, so... Chef: Well... just do whatever they say. Okay! But this is a simulation, you know that right? It's not real- who the hell are you?
TV Bot: Hey! It's Human! TV Bot: I'm TV Bot! We're doing a show on how these organic nutrient packs are made! Mark: How're doin'?
TV Bot: So I just need to record some footage of you going through the various steps. K? Okay! Mark: What about-
TV Bot: First step is to blend up this protein pill! TV Bot: Let's get a shot of you doing that. Okay, we got some fresh bug juice here, don't mind my not-being able to pronounce words correctly! Mark: Fresh bug juice for everybody.
TV Bot: Hey hey hey! Okay! TV Bot: That was good! Now, let's get a shot of you putting this flavor packet in the microwave! Okay! Is this for ramen? I love ramen! But I dunno what this gonna do! TV Bot: Alriiiiight! It's in there!
[Buggy clanking] TV Bot: Close the door and let me get a shot of the microwave a-runnin'. The-There you go, buddy! Mark: I mean, if that's what gets you off.
TV Bot: Alright! TV Bot: Everybody's followin' along at home, we got our-
[CHOMP] TV Bot: - fully-expanded flavor cube.
Mark: Eugh! EUGH! TV Bot: Can you just show that to the camera? EUGH! AUGH! I ATE IT! [nom] I- I JUST LITERALLY TOOK A BITE! IS THIS GONNA KILL ME? TV Bot: -pour that blended protein fluid onto the cube and we- Mark: Oh.
TV Bot: - are done! Oh. Thank you! Why? Mark: Why am I doing this?
TV Bot: Hey! Great job, human! TV Bot: Really appreciate it. TV Bot: Ooh! One more thing: Can I get a shot of you eating it?
Mark: Okay... Mark: EEEEH!
TV Bot: Just [???] delicious, huhhh? I-I just did that! Why do I gotta do it again? I don't wanna eat more! I already feel like my intestines are melting away! Alright, here we go. [Nomnomnom] Ahh, flavor! Mark: Full of flavor!
TV Bot: Thank you so much, human! Mark: ALL of the flavor!
TV Bot: -footage, this episode's gonna be fanTAStic! Okay, whatever you say! Mark: Hello~
Customer: Hey human, check this out! Customer: I found this rare Turbo Ghostav Nova Pepper. Customer: Can you it for me? I like it H O T. Hawt! Mark: Well jus-
Customer: Come on! Put some heat into it! Just EAT it, then! Ohh, you don't understand 'cause you're a ROBOT! Mark: It's so hot it's spasming all over the place.
Customer: Come on, that's not hot enough! Mark: Also screaming in pain.
Customer: Can't you do something else? Ah. Ah! Ah! Ahah! AH! How 'bout some microwahvuh? [Clank] Goink! This will be the one for you! There you go! Have fun! Don't die! If you even CAN die. Which I don't think you can. Employee: Hey chef, we got bots out here who ordered the 'special'. Employee: Not sure what that means, but that's what they want. Job Bot: Ordering the 'special' means placing your trust in the chef. Job Bot: Just give those bots anything! Be creative. I'm going to be exactly un-creative, because I'm gonna put... sriracha on a potato, and then hope for the best. Boink! Job Bot: Hmm... that looks 'INTERESTING'. Mark: Okay!
Job Bot: Send it off to the customer. Customer: Ohohohoho!
Mark: How 'bout- Customer: What a fascinating dish!
Mark: How 'bout a- How 'bout a corn cob sandwich? That's always everybody's favorite! Boink! Add a little garnish, [Stuttering] It's blocked by the corn! The corn's too thick! A little garnish, and there we go! Mark: Eeh, boink!
Job Bot: Another beautiful-looking meal, chef! Mark: I dunno! Customer: [???] -A special! *sniff* Uh, you got it, officer! Anything for an officer of the law! How 'bout an irradiated cactus? Job Bot: And that'll do for the last one. Alright, you're welcome there, buddy! Hope you're having a good day! He's probably very depressed about something going on in his life. Customer: Holy smokes! This is waaaaay too hot! [Screeching] Job Bot: Oh, sounds like the bot with the hot pepper from earlier.
Mark: I got you, buddy! Shit. Customer: Help a bot out here! Come ooon! Ehh! Well, that didn't do nothin'! Ohh, everything's on fire! Why is everything on fire? AHH! I'm trying to- Egh How do I- I'm trying t- Guh! I did my best! What am I- What I doing wrong!? Oh, god. What am I doing wrong? What do I dooo? Oh, do I- [psssssh] OHHH. THAT makes sense! Customer: WHOO! Thanks, human! You really saved my circuits! Ahhh. You're welcome, buddy! I don't know what you said, but you're welcome. Chef: I just got word from the TV studio, human. They like their performance on there! Mark: Yay!
Chef: - you did, so they're sending in a camera crew! Chef: They're gonna put you in a reality show! WHOO! Mark: YEAH!
Job Bot: In the distant past, having your own- Mark: I'm gonna be on TV!
Job Bot: -seen as the peak of human achievement. Job Bot: Good work, human!
Mark: Oh. YAY! Good for me! What do I say and do? Bot: Okay boss, let's get those cameras set up already! Aw, I want your glasses... AWWW I WANT THEM! Bot: We need to go, boss. Bot: You ready, human? Mark: NO!
Bot: Okay, bring in the talent! Wait- I thought I WAS the talent! Waaaaait a minute. Hi! Chef: Nice to meet you, human. I'm Chef Bot Ramsay. Mark: Oh god.
Chef: Let's get this show rolling, shall we? Oh no. Mark: Not you!
Bot: Okay, we'll start with the meatballs, team. Mark: 'Meatball scene'?
Bot: Aaaaand, action! Mark: Wait, what're we doing here?
Chef: Pitiful human, get cooking! Chef: These meatballs aren't going to prepare themselves! Chef: Is that how you cook for your family at home, human? Chef: Disgusting!
Mark: I don't have a family! I'm very lonely! Oh! Oh, okay! I didn't know tha- Oh! Chef: Those look so bad, my neural network associates them with literal garbage. Mark: Okay!
Chef: So are you going to serve them, or just let them sit there and get even more disgusting? I dunno! I just like to listen to you ramble! Because I know I'm bad, you don't need to tell me I'm bad! I'm fully aware of the capacity of my suckage. How 'bout this? These look gooood? Question mark? Nice and burnt. What about this one? There we go! Boink! Chef: Truly despicable.
Mark: There you go! Chef: My kids could cook a meal a hundred times better than that, and they're graphing calculators! Bot: Cut! Okay! Bot: That was good! Mark: Good for you!
Chef: Doing great so far, human. Chef: I know I can be a little loud on camera, but it's all just part of the show, you know? Bot: Alright, scene 2. That's the free-form cooking part. Great. Okay. Bot: Aaaand, action. Mark: I'm just g-
Chef: You worthless, chemical-based meatbag! Chef: Get to cooking! Make something good! Show us what you can do with anything! Uh, I-I- The only thing I actually learnt how to cook on this show is bacon and eggs. And even that was kinda questionable because I'm not pretty sure that I did it well. Chef: Hurry up, serve it! I-I'm serving it! I'm serving it! Bacon and eggs! BAM! What everybody wants! Bot: It's a wrap, folks!
Mark: It's good stuff! Mark: DID I DO GOOD?
Chef: We're good, team. Chef: I've got a lot of respect for you after this. Mark: Thank you!
Chef: We've got to work together again some time! NO! It didn't seem like you were respecting me at all! In fact it seemed like you hated me! Mark: Ohhh I'm so lonely!
Job Bot: Well, you may head back to the museum if you want to. Mark: WOOO!
Job Bot: I'll just be hanging out here while you do whatever you want! Ahh, I- I'd rather not stay here, you know. I have a normal life that I wanna go out and do things... in the real world? And that would be lovely to get to. So I'm gonna do that, so, I'm outta here, baby. Oooh. So anyway, this said... [CHOMP] 'Really?' on it, by the way. Some of you caught that, but YES! REALLY. OKAY! So that's the end of the chef job simulator. I actually used to work in a restaurant a long time ago, I probably should've talked about that while I was doing it, but they were- kept talking in my ear! But thank you everybody so much for watching, I'm gonna do the other ones! I'll probably do auto mechanic last because it failed for me last time, and hopefully this didn't FAIL! So thanks again. And as always, I will see YOU in the next video! Buh-bye! [Outro Music: Crazy La Paint by MiniMusicMan] -Subtitles by: Ross Goertz, and other amazing people-
