Everything Wrong With Black Adam in 27 Minutes or Less

foreign seconds of logos before Rome before Babylon who gives a federation before the pyramids there was conduct I see this movie went to the famous Kardashian School of ancient kernel of truth but overwhelmingly fake places Upton's real gold who forged the crown of sabach you would be forgiven for thinking this is a sequel and the movie is just catching you up to speed on the previous film but nope this is just an insane wall of narration flashbackation assaulting you in the first two minutes if infused with the powers of the six Demons of the ancient world it would make Actron Invincible God damn it I'm already exhausted got another [ __ ] piece of goddamn artifact and a movie that needs the 14 clues of the monkey spank Squeeze Box to work to make the crown he needed to turn him but to get eternium he needed to locate unobtanium an element only found in the Seas of your mother Junction near tickle lick my team [Music] you guys are living in an oppressive regime in what world do you think this guy is getting rewarded this kid who just reminded everyone who the real enemy is really thinks this guy is going to get rewarded and is shocked shocked I say when this guy gets killed this movie is trying so hard to beat 300 that I can practically hear unwarranted demands for a Snyder cut this kit steals the eternium from the dude who just killed the guy who brought it to him then he runs over to the Quarry and holds the eternium up in some sort of Victory formation somehow all the miners down on the ground know what that means and start cheering like they just hurt the five tones of the ship from Close Encounters the Council of wizards the magical Guardians of the earth that seems super glossed over entered a boy into a champion but the crown had already been completed [ __ ] what how the [ __ ] did the crown get completed in that time we were told that the king needed to turn him to complete the crown and they just found it a minute ago how much [ __ ] time passed because it feels like it was a minute or two and not forged a crown infused with sick Demons of the ancient world amount of time in the ensuing battle the palace was destroyed but the champion was Victorious sounds like a hell of a battle too bad we didn't see any of it because the movie thinks the surprise is more important in this case than telling the story the Wizards hit the crown of subox so that it would never again fall into the hands of men you Parallax the crown which means someone is definitely gonna find it I can't figure out why the crown wasn't destroyed instead of hidden but I guess you needed a plot and this was the best you could do copying the many films that have used this exact premise a hundred times in the last 20 years today conduct is occupied by International mercenaries are you still talking God damn I feel like Tim Allen in a limo and Galaxy Quest I'm gonna just shut my eyes but I promise I'm still listening to everything you say and then Black Adam continues in the five million years following the great nebula burst our people were one people but then came the sector migration and then the melosian shift the legend says whenever conduct needs him most [ __ ] Legends curses fables magic Tunes Limerick spoken word this movie has it all the text here says entertaining checkpoint Sector 5 north shiruta and even after nearly seven minutes of foie gras levels of force-feeding exposition I still have no idea what any of this means this text might as well read celibate Warehouse region milk North feelings when the kid gets up off the ground a sudden Flash comic shows up and the middle of the pile that was clearly not there a few seconds ago also when the perimeter guard hits this kid the kid goes to the ground the skateboard takes a bit of a tumble and is that a [ __ ] gun whose gun is it nobody even addresses it I guess guns are so common they're like tumbleweeds if it's got wheels it's a vehicle Factory long night considering skateboards cars so wait is the guard getting a notice about Adriana right now or is he just reminding himself who he's looking for I feel like the scene would be 100 times better if he gets this notification before the vehicle inspection and we see Adriana hiding in the car while it stopped at the checkpoint but because surprises once again beat out actual storytelling we get an image of a woman we haven't even met yet followed by the reveal that she was in the car the whole time and that's supposed to hit my movie watching G-spot with nothing happening movie resorts to showing us people sleeping which is what we were doing if you saw this in the theater show us a little magic yeah let me take a look at this necklace for no reason it'll be a good conversation piece an exposition starter are you sure about this the inscriptions were found they're clear so wait the Wizards hid the crown so that no one could find it but left inscriptions that give people an idea of where to find it this movie is like a dumber Sonic the Hedgehog too men were given the gift of magic why did you start reading in the middle of the wall when there's etched writing all around above and before what you were reading the ultimate power was banished from the earth and hidden here congratulations on finding the secret hideout of the terrible power we don't want you to use if you want to find it and keep it for yourself go ahead you've earned it turn back that's what it says no yes other things it could have said include nothing just nothing everyone who walked into this mountain would have been like Sergeant Al Powell and die hard and about 10 steps into the place would have been like ah the hell with this speak not his power again she has just started in the middle of the ancient text like a mad person what about the context regarding speak not his power that lies in the Dozen lines about this that you chose not to read the slave who became champion and defeated the king the legend was true just because someone etched a thing in a stone doesn't mean it was true haven't you ever read the Bible so they came down here to find a crown that was hidden for all eternity not pictured a crown that is in any way hiding if she falls she dies and she has no idea how or why the crown is floating in the air or if it can even be grabbed and removed from its floating position and she still risks her whole ass life with the this really stupid jump doesn't matter she succeeded that was a really stupid jump oh great a superhero who already seems way too strong from the very start Superman on sterox also the movie rips off the shower of bullet scene from Superman Returns imagine shooting this guy ineffectively for a full minute then reloading because you think more bullets will do the trick as The Rock destroys all the fools one by one I have to ask why he's doing it one by one given what we see him do later Black Adam uses his lightning power to create a tunnel so that he can get out of here but didn't he just fly out of the opening at the top of this mountain to kill a bunch of bad guys why the [ __ ] did he need to do this it's at this point the movie whips out the Rolling Stones Paint It Black which is the song that makes everything seem great no matter what it's basically cheating other choices include Peter Gabriel Salisbury Hill Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure Sonic youth's cover of Superstar and giving Matt Damon to Kamia the section where Rock slowly flies through all the military Mayhem and deflects all Munitions that threaten him personally that reminds me how much influence a single star can have over a film and how bad that often ends up working out for the average viewer work oh so we're about to find out that eternium can hurt Black Adam so it's basically Kryptonite the question now becomes why didn't this Army have more eternium weapons and are only just using them at the very end of the battle when nearly all of them are dead I told you to make it look real not to punch me in the face why did Ishmael need to bring all the mercenaries in as soon as Adriana secured the crown he could have shot her immediately and taken off with it for the scriptwriters The Mercenaries were brought in so that Adriana would be held at gunpoint and say the words to summon Black Adam and we know Ishmael needs Black Adam for his plan but there's no way he knew that would happen and there's no indication it was even on his radar so why didn't he just put a couple slugs in Adriana and run off with the crown basically a tornado with a 167 IQ delightful lightful but please tell me you found someone who can pack a punch every time Carter tells Waller about one character she's like yeah that's great but you know what you really need someone who has such and such power and Carter's like I haven't finished telling you the team yet but the love of God let me finish all in service of the full character bio sequence that adds nothing to these movies takes magic to fight magic and the man's got nearly god-level Powers as we hear this said about Kent we see Kent we have his hand and a gold helmet appears and that does not say God level powers to me personally are you sure they can take him Waller you find us a cell that can hold him we'll take care of the rest except you can't and you won't Black Adam as built by this very movie is too powerful for you to capture and too strong for any cell to hold him this movie is just over two hours and it's because of [ __ ] stupid ass dialogue like this I gotta be honest here I'm only barely aware of Hawkman as a character I'm certainly not ready to just accept that he has a mansion five times cooler than Professor X does we're the Justice Society am I supposed to get goosebumps now feels like the movie wants me to get all goosebumpy right here because they said the name of the thing but in reality I'm just very exhausted by this film and sad that we're only just now barely one-fourth of the way through is this entirely made out of end metal everything down to the screws so and metal is not a thing is it shorthand for eternium last forever because it takes a lot of energy to smash atoms this movie is called Black Adam and we know more about these chodes than him at this point I grow you know like Ant-Man and Captain America Civil War but it's completely unique and unheard of so how about giving me those digits I've really started have taken this movie seriously once they ripped off the X-Men jet taking off from the grounds of Professor X's Mansion they put this guy who is definitely over six feet tall in a child's bed to recover from his injuries also how the [ __ ] did they drive teth Adam back to this house were they not driving him in a van that should be known to the bad guys at this point how do they get past the checkpoints and I was so worried about black Adam's injury until I found out he could simply patch himself up with his own lightning why the [ __ ] did he do that back at the mountain life is the only it's total [ __ ] this is the first time she's translating this why the [ __ ] did Black Adam decide to sit down on this kid's bed and chat with him a bit this [ __ ] has a copy of three ninjas and [ __ ] left behind in his VHS collection and somehow this guy with terrible taste also has Casablanca prove your strength destroy your enemy and all he cares about are you unaware of the concept of people being enslaved or oppressed by a stronger power I know you aren't because you're either the kid we saw get the powers at the beginning of the movie or you're someone else who's part of that Society back in the day why do you think the people can take care of their own problems I want to know how this [ __ ] dug a [ __ ] tunnel through the floor down into what looks like an air conditioning vent is the movie saying the air vent in amman's room is in the floor that leads down to the floor below or was this made you definitely need a catchphrase something blackout badass to say right before you absolutely cooked some dude oh so I guess this movie is like a remake of T2 with this kid playing John Connor teaching the Terminator how to say love you stop baby my point is you could be famous magazines lunch boxes video games our lunchbox is still a thing this is the 80s didn't everyone's mom sell these off to yard sale Barons who are probably rich now you've seen as many different Futures as I have you cease to believe in absolutes I guess the part of DC's Doctor Strange will be played by a Pierce Brosnan in this movie and look I know Dr Fate predates Doctor Strange the point is not who came first but how tired I am of all these characters from two large comic book universes that overlap so much I can't get excited about any of them anymore almost as much as I've missed having you around to ignore all my advice these two sound like quite the pair with a rich history too bad I have to hear about their relationship through half-assed sex position bad plan is better than no plan general actually this is patently false no plan at all is how we get the David Tyree Super Bowl catch a bad plan is the Colts suspecting the Saints might do an onside kick but sending out fourth string wide receiver Hank basket as part of the hands team like Kent is literally possessed when he puts it on is this supposed to be a Black Adam movie or a new Suicide Squad disguised as just a society film this is like watching that Batman assault on Arkham movie all over again if he's so powerful how are we supposed to stop him if we can get him to say the word Shazam will lose his power Jesus Christ this is like those Super Friends cartoons from when I was a kid where they had to get mixed to say his name backwards in order to feed him and they always did I see that every time tefl Adam has a flashback it's just going to tell us the exact same thing over and over again until it's ready to reveal a truth just at the right moment this kid steals a military radio and sends a false message and then gets chased around the city by inept [ __ ] and this is Aladdin only updated a bit for Technology's sake gotta stay one to him ahead of the narcos one Leap ahead of the badge these guys don't appreciate I'm Wrath there's no way Adriana caught up in time to stop her kid from being slapped in the face did you see all the skateboarding he did to get here what was she doing to keep the pace is also like Hancock end of sin while it's cool that Black Adam is stopping all these bullets with his hand why bother you could stop them with this dick if he wanted him if he waste time with The Good the Bad and the Ugly parody seeing that teth Adam is in no danger of dying like Eli walk I don't see what this is supposed to accomplish for us I mean whether he's a quick draw or not doesn't mean here fade and I'll take the lead listen and you two hang back till we call you the most powerful being anyone has ever faced will not require our whole team just yet for some reason we're the Anvil you're the hammer awesome sounds great wait the Anvil is just the thing the hammer slams against you might think you were the first wave but you're just the Preamble you just plopped down there then the hammer does the real damage my point is that this is a bad analogy force is always necessary what does that even mean though when I see some DC characters don't give a [ __ ] about fighting in the streets even after Mana steals horse didn't Hawkman just save two awful bad guys from falling to their deaths a minute ago talking about due process now he's just gonna put in this people in danger because the movie needs a fight scene a couple of CGI characters fight each other the sky for a bit whatevs I don't know why Cyclone 167 IQ and all thinks that surrounding Adam with all these metal rods is going to contain him especially with what she's seen but it's probably such a high level play that I can't understand it discount Deadpool this guy I barely understand unleashes an attack I barely understand it somehow causes massive pain to the rock that I barely understand Adam Smasher temporarily subdues teth Adam with this move so yeah I can totally see why Carter didn't want him in the battle at first makes total sense running on someone's balls we have been living under military occupation for 27 years and never seen you before this might hit a bit harder if the movie leaned into it instead of only paying it lip service I am so sorry was that expensive this Atom Smasher basing his entire personality on Tom Hall and Spider-Man movie continues the sad Hollywood tradition of underusing jaimon hansu let me teach you some history that you've never learned in one of your mother's classes you know it was my own personal stall tactic so the Kareem can sacrifice himself and distract me while you take the crown back okay great he found a clothesline to ZIP down using his skateboard but earlier when teth Adam was floating through all the floors I don't remember seeing any clothes lines going across entire sections of open space that could be used for this purpose there were clothes hanging on the railings but not these convenient zip lines for an easy Escape release the child whatever you say true this might kill em on but you don't have the crown now and you just let go of your only leverage in the situation what bikes this entire sequence reeks of Endor and the speeder bikes of the Rebellion but also seems to be a lazy copy of the alien attack vehicles in Marvel's The Avengers and I think the sin is ultimately for the derivativeness of this schlocky [ __ ] Smasher Cyclone what are you waiting for probably for your signal since the last mission required them to sit on the ship with their thumbs up their asses until you told them otherwise then the rainbow tornado girl dropped up thing about Bob and that made all the difference hey careful dude I almost hit you I guess we can blame Adam Smasher for not keeping his hand gestures to a minimum here but why is Hawkman flying directly over his shoulders in the first place thing running from Black Adam uses alien Nos and that has to be a nod to The Rock's appearance in The Rundown for no good reason at all movie makes it seem like Black Adam finally caught up too and saved among only to pull the rug out and show you that he didn't for no good reason the Champion's coming for you you know that right I'm counting on it you are but for him to follow you it required him to smash through this building and just happened to see a flyback zipping through the buildings at the perfect moment that is insane casual nanobot surgery is casual well the win thing is called aerokinesis and the Nanobots were injected into my bloodstream by this really messed up scientist who kidnapped me when I was 15. Jesus I mean damn anyway so the Nanobots inside Cyclone that turn her into wind can also take care of bullet wounds and save Adriana's brother amazing that the evil scientist injected you with the multi-purpose Nanobots that can do anything a script tells them to do suppose they didn't have doors in your day well of course we did that's how we entered rooms God damn it why does it come on in the desert true to form teth Adam doesn't even get the location of the mine before trying to kill the prisoner but luckily when he goes back to tell Adriana about it she knows where it is and the problem is solved without him realizing what a horrible error that is so that he can keep doing Black Adam stuff without thinking of the consequences why does Hawkman bring the prisoners back to Adriana's apartment after teth Adam nearly killed them a minute ago why not put them on the ship besides I thought the Justice society's main goal was taking teth Adam prisoner and the crown was only secondary oh I never lie because they're going to have a stupid fight that's going to lean to them finding the crown in ammon's room great grand Heroes don't kill people well I do class yeah I'm gonna check out this movie for a while let me know when hot man Black Adam stop fighting well this fight is edited in a weird manner where the emphasis and focus is on what the fight does to the walls and the shelves full of DC references but we're not seeing much at all what this fight is doing to the two combatants it should be buried under the ocean for eternity it's not far from what we had in mind for you when this is over or I could bury you with it I care as much about these two measuring books as I did when Hobbs and Shaw did it and you you will work together Adam and Hawkman end up working together because they get Mom shamed there's still time to change the future earlier you were telling the comic relief dude that he wasn't going to die today but by electricity but you didn't tell him he could change the future in fact you acted like it was set in stone we moved through the mine inch by inch until we find Ammon so you guys are really going to take a civilian Adriana into this [ __ ] operation I know she's iman's mom and is insisting to go but you can just say no right whoa how the [ __ ] Adriana and the Justice Society get down here so quickly Black Adam just crashed through here seconds ago and he had a huge Head Start nobody has to die we just want the crown Ishmael assumed he could lure Black Adam here and somehow the crowd would come along too and that's exactly what happens what a fish male got back here and he didn't kill the biker who could have told him where the mine was would Ishmael have been able to leverage teth Adam to find the crown and how so the kid is the only one who knew where it was this is a classic case of a movie arranging its plot to fit what it wants to do rather than anything that is remotely logical believe me nothing good will come from that ground that's what the doctor told my mother just as I was being born and you have just given me everything I need to become the next king of kandak hey gum flap McGee if you have everything you need then stop talking and go be evil my family passed the knowledge on you know one to the next the crown crafted by our ancestors skip how long we gonna keep doing this if the answer is anything except zero more seconds I'm adding 5 000 sins one for every year this story took to get told rounded up to the nearest thousand marut was a true champion of conduct and he was also my son is this movie better now does this make all the difference holy sudden thinner CGI Dwayne Johnson The Chris Evans disast the Wizards decided that he would be their champion but after the Champion's many victories the king went after what Haroon loved the most wait what victories Victory is over whom or what how was the king even still around after the champion was created they have Mortal Kombat battles there was the champion picking people off Braveheart style in the middle of the night look at this whatever power why would the Wizards create a champion who could just give his powers to anyone he pleased I thought there was a vetting process involved and why would you just be able to do this by saying one word the powers were not a gift from the Wizards but a curse is teth Adam saying that it's a curse because of what happened or is it an actual curse and the Wizards or just dicks by the way I hate it so the black suit just formed on its own because he was sad angry his kid was a champion no black suit kid gives the powers to teth Adam no black suit Ted Adams kid is killed and he gets sad sudden Venom Suit forms of its own volition that's [ __ ] weird my son dreamed of a better world that's why he saved me and that's why I kill indiscriminately I will speak the word my son gave me and I will give up my power and when I do you must ensure I never speak it again the ease at which this power can be relinquished and summoned is really dumb why would you be able to call it back whenever you want once you give it up also movie Superman 2 is the Title Character so that a powerful villain can show up to wreak havoc for pole maybe 10 minutes don't black sight and secret location basically mean the same thing as the plane rapidly knows dies into the water Dr Fate seems startled but no one seems bothered by basic gravity which would slam all of them forward suddenly perhaps into the windshield even you know they say that God's created us but we're the ones who always wind up burying them what the [ __ ] does that even mean how many gods have you personally buried Lady this is some truly dialogue they all know how to deal with him keep him from regaining his powers he'll keep him in suspended animation and he'll be in a state of bliss and keep my mind from the circling Sky tongue tied and twisted just an earth somehow the task force x has dozens of people that need to be in no talking water cells but they keep them widely spread out at a super Warehouse the size of Oklahoma that has too many huge ass support beams and a floor that is covered in water for some reason this is actually the stupidest set I've ever seen in movie history you must have built this black site underwater in Arctic temperatures so you could demonstrate the absolute worst use of space in the history of mankind mythology The Souls of the Damned are sent to the rock of finality do they smell what The Rock is cooking this is the is the only path to life you've you fly down and the only thing that changed in the message of the symbols is the position of the words life and death please go back to preschool Story Hour you [ __ ] he kidnapped Amon on purpose because he knew that death Adam would kill him I certainly hope he kidnapped Ammon on purpose because if he did it accidentally this is a completely different movie wait maybe I do want that and he believed the Champion's magic would send him to the rocker finality what was ishmael's plan from the beginning though all he wanted was the crown the only reason teth Adam showed up is because Adriana summoned the champion when she was held at gunpoint was Ishmael planning for this to happen was his original plan to maybe steal the crown and summon the champion himself if that's the case was he sure that the champion would use the blue Lightning on him because he could have just been one of those dudes who got slammed up against a rock or dropped from the sky there's no way that Ishmael knew any other [ __ ] he did was going to happen the movie cleared the path for him what the bloody hell is that can't you see the future readout says it's a demon Sabah excuse me what did you say the readout told you that this was the demon that has never ever showed his face in the history of man until now the readout you're telling me a computer got a bunch of data points from a satellite and spat out a readout that said sure that's the goddamn demon savok you gotta love how just because this ship is made of metal or whatever the [ __ ] that it can withstand a firepowered by what is supposedly six demons in one what good is Dr Fate if you can't see and prevent this and if you give me any of that he can see all Futures at once like Doctor Strange [ __ ] I will punch you into the Afterlife gotta say this demon is pretty underwhelming I think the nun could beat this [ __ ] for the first time in 100 years when I look ahead I see oh my God Dr Fate was told to sweating all along there's Adam I know you can hear me so fate dude sacrifices himself while calling Black Adam to recruit him to Kill Devil May care here instead of just mine calling Black Adam before he went and thereby sacrificing no one why Thomas Crown why oh I didn't know thin non-powerful teth Adam was such a badass without a Shazam Powers lucky for the movie he is death Adam continues doing hand-to-hand combat instead of ripping off the mask and yelling Shazam the world doesn't always need a white knight sometimes it needs something darker if only DC had this kind of Knight that is dark to play with maybe they'd have something there also the Black Adam was a guy who could control his powers they wouldn't even be in this mess so no the ends do not justify the means in this case the world just needs a guy with your powers who can keep it in his pants for once I don't know bad analogy you know what I mean shut up Hawk person sees the Dr Fate Shield collapse and then runs up the stairs like a regular person instead of you know flying up there rapidly like he is capable all doing no no one will be needing this anymore kareemex Machina of course demons from the underworld are easily taken out via Kane hero sees his family in the afterlife and someone tells him it's not his time cliche this fear is still underwater I refuse to accept this as a point of movie tension this is just gross negligence at this point sure is a good thing the 10th Adam knew exactly where he was in the ocean to zip over to conduct and time to save all these people from the giant statue you gotta hand it to him he's got tremendous GPS I'm glad Black Adam talked himself into Awakening for the big finale but where did the [ __ ] Cape come from be decided by the true battle of Champions Howe has a more intimidating voice than this demon I do have to ding DC here for copying the MCU with the same versus same finale battle situation foreign skateboard kid in his own Cape with a legion of Norm is behind him was my new most hilarious film scene of all time I'm going to add five scenes just to give me time to recover from a little after this is utterly stupidly hilarious you can control it I know Black Adam has learned some lessons and [ __ ] but I don't know what it means to control this power we don't know enough about his rage to really know one way or another what kind of Herculean effort this might be the movie is basically just gonna say yeah he figured it out and we're just supposed to be fine with that after Black Adam tears sebach in half of course all the underlings fade into nothingness and it immediately renders the kandaki fight meaningless be excited all you want guys but you didn't do [ __ ] in fact if it wasn't for Hawkman and Black Adam it wouldn't have mattered if you killed every last skeleton in the place see you around no friend why does the helmet just leave why was he able to use it one last time before piecing out it's his Darkness that lets him do what Heroes like you cannot also wizard power Darkness sure but in the end wizard power Black Adam sits on the throne but then destroys the throne and I have no feelings here at all so what should we call you ah that old nugget oh what should we call you in the movie literally rolls credits with the name lovely this movie is so creative this might end up being one of the most infamous cameos of all time but even so it's still stupid be buried under the ocean eternity light them up five thousand years ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck view alternate Futures to see all the possible outcomes of the coming companies how many did you see 14 million six hundred five yeah well bad plan is better than no plan at all that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard at least the child's very poor choice of words hey vicas I was wondering are you a robot my room 10 minutes a bigger fish not all heroes wear capes mission accomplished I felt a great disturbance in the force as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in Terror was suddenly silenced

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,167,957

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, black, adam, black adam, black adam movie, black adam movie review, black adam movie reaction, black adam explained, dc multiverse, black adam spoiler review, black adam review, dc extended universe, black adam vs superman, dc comics, black adam sins, black adam cinema sins, the rock, dwayne johnson, the rock black adam, dwayne johnson black adam, dwayne the rock johnson black adam

Id: OFXOaJ8h_Tg

Length: 27min 49sec (1669 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 16 2023