Everything Wrong With Expend4bles in 19 Minutes or Less

[Music] [Music] in case you confused it with liia Gaddafi's new chemical plant an approaching helicopter is super duper loud so unless this one dropped out of aing Stargate these missiles shouldn't have been the first clue they were under attack having now been through four of these expend fbl's opening sequences I feel like I will now start calling these mov the interchangeables God damn it The Expendables did you have to drag the raids Eco Weiss de gore orgy swear there will be an Almighty Reckoning if you underuse his talent by even 1% I'm Reckoning i s this minion is so in awe of Eco that he acts out being shot before it happens expend fbl's movie will pretend it's not about to show us Sylvester Stallone when we all know it's about to show us Sylvester Stallone cliche in case you confused it with USA Tokyo movies expect us to believe that there is ever a completely empty Street at any time of the day in New Orleans the opening of Vanilla Sky is more believable than this why does this simple shot in front of some houses look so fake why are we C ging Suburban backgrounds instead of just filming real sh I know houses exist I've seen them and everything oh look at me I'm English I'm avoidant I don't like to argue Gina would be excellent at inherent English repression sins I can tell that you're also from this planet called hopeless we intimate relationships and feelings don't exist Oh you mean planets Skip sounds like my kind of place when do we leave to choose this life over friends over family we do this for money that's a definition of prick ISM either I don't have the most up-to-date dictionary at my disposal or Stallone has been working from a different one entirely all these years and that suddenly explains so much of the dialogue in these movies thumb wrestling you used to be strong what happened over the top is what happened Christmas do we really have to relive that cuz I really don't want to maybe you could meet me halfway since you choose to be uh Bonnie what's the word OB it too long dumbbells dumbbells listen here Geniuses dumbbells might have one fewer syllable and sound less fancy but both it and obstinate have nine letters making dumbbells a confusing choice on Barney's part and a clear indicator of the downfall of modern Cinema and knuckle dusters or not Christmas would have been in big trouble if these guys hadn't decided to line their faces up in an orderly fashion to accept their dental work one at a time my turn [ __ ] using an Edie Hall instead of a Brian Shaw you know I really didn't need this Love Fest and neither did the movie it was a complete and total action batty wasted runtime other than this ridiculous jumbo shrip setup which don't worry we'll fuing get to in good time the editing in this movie is already driving me nuts we cut away from the action as remont was intimidating this guy in the tank and this ponytail tells me that when we cut back he's stepping down from the exact same tank which means no time has passed since we left him meaning we interrupted this scene purely because someone thought we couldn't last 3 minutes without seeing Stam and Stallone in a bar fight new slers we could sir there are three soldiers guarding the general you're going to need backup someone who just just watched gront take out all these Soldiers by himself thinks he needs backup for three more what the is he doing something that most likely shouldn't work but will work because expend frables this cannon fodder appears to have forgotten that guns work by firing bullets and not by touch that thing on Gunner's head looks like a sick cat I hope you're savoring those obvious belly laughs you're no doubt experiencing because this Gunner is wearing a hairpiece bit will not get any funnier let him better when he was a drunk I know what you mean me too not supporting your friends road to sobriety yeah no punch line on this one [ __ ] support your sober friends are they hanging gravity setting in we've got old man testicle jokes y'all Bary keep them tucked If this job doesn't work out I'm fairly sure Barney's got a pretty winable lawsuit on his hands if he wants to sue Marsh for inappropriate conduct between an employer and employee what the happened to your ear man I'm glad you asked me that I wrestled in college I'm glad that with everything this franchise could have caught us up on from the last three movies it chose to focus on toll Road's cauliflower ear we have a successful liftoff movie had such an obsession with testicle humor I'm kind of annoyed they didn't slide another nut joke in here I'm a complicated man you know too what I'm talking about right getting discount Antonio Banderas from a discount Antonio Banderas you know what he's a golden sh I would give all the sins back if gam was about to express his love for an underappreciated butthole surfer song but alas he's instead making fun of people's sexual Kinks and just this movie and its locker room humor it wouldn't even go over well in most locker rooms I too much it I know Christmas and we've still got an hour and 26 minutes of that left to go the good to the safe E A 1 4 2 7 wise CH making good on your threat before making sure the safe combination he gave you is correct check it out there's something happening at the weapons plan only reason they're here is because something was happening at the weapons plant why would this be a surprise to anyone or a command that needed to be given cting your way off Target what do you need a CN dog yeah it's like they shouldn't have given the sniper job to someone with eyesight issues weird this high octane car chase accompanied by a COR of gunfire is failing to elicit the erection I believe it was supposed to chor genius decided to mount the engine of this car on blocks of C4 Christmas is able to throw this knife from a moving vehicle and land it perfectly into the gun at top another moving vehicle so said gun will not fire anymore pretty sure I have found Jason tham being able to fight multiple sharks more believable time to improvise I can improvise this is not a plan this is you saying words and hoping that your Sidekick is psychic unless this buggy thing was donated to the expend fbl by Elon Musk I'm not sure how it's continued to drive itself at all let alone perfectly straight easy day decides to do this [ __ ] instead of just throwing the bad guy off the moving vehicle I don't think easy day is a good name for this gentleman at all initial success or total failure initial success not a single word of this dialogue makes any godamn sense and it's infuriating it's all get some and then that top we sh all stuff back home and my muscles will your muscles fool just a meaningless myasthma of masturbator machismo I'm out coming in the only reason he says this is because the car is about to be flipped and the script wants us to know easy day wasn't still at the turret as if that would have been the most ridiculous thing we've seen these people survive considering the career choices this vehicle has made it seems more than odd that it didn't come to work with bulletproof [Music] glass too fast too expendable play all the sad music you want but I'm more willing to believe that otter Labrador hybrids run the planet from a secret base on the moon than believe that Bia is actually dead here and the reveal that the end had better be worth it or I'm going to do a fullon word murder he brought the best out in each and every one of us because he was the best of us except for that time nine years ago when he fired you all for being too old right can I help well since you're asking Marsh block well you disobeyed a direct order from your Superior and that causes the mission so you're out the director told Andy Garcia to chew on a toothpick in case firing Lee at his best friend's wake didn't make him seem like enough of an [ __ ] it was Bonnie sacrifice to make brother good death for the mission it would count that's very true and is Gunner wearing a bolo tie also makes total sense if they're kicking Christmas off the team but leaving in nearsighted Gunner who would have ended the mission immediately if he could have made the shot and killed ront they would have the detonators and Barney would be a lie but yeah let's throw Christmas on on the bus private security detail for a social media influencer was the year of Our Lord 2023 and Lee is looking for jobs in a newspaper the only thing weirder is that a social media influencer did actually post a job in there for him to find what's up [ __ ] what's up is that you appear to be live streaming in landscape mode instead of portrait which is Awkward on a phone it's almost as if the scene was put together by someone who is completely out of touch with the thing they're parodying look at these no [ __ ] which one no which two am I not going to after movie expects me to believe that anyone would watch this idiot's live stream and the problem is that I do believe you movie you're lucky I didn't shoot you and we're unlucky because that might have ended the movie also Megan Fox is playing Jason Statham's partner in this movie and Jason Statham's partner in real life is Rosie Huntington Whitley who is the actress that replaced Megan Fox as the female lead in the third Transformers movie and I guess I'm going to just sin myself for how much these facts amus the out of me they're definitely more interesting than anything that actually happens in this entire movie Barney was part of a class of operation in between International agencies considering all the legit government agencies that Barney has worked with over the years it now feels weird that Bruce Willis felt the need to hide that he was CIA in the first movie stealing the partners sexily kick the sh out of each other sequence from the slightly more watchable Mr and Mrs Smith contrary to what I think we're supposed to believe this untouched makeup and perfect hair suggests that whatever happened after we cut away from the fighting didn't take very long and didn't involve any touching when I first met Barney opening your post cordal pillow talk with an unsolicited origin story of how you met your dead best friend saying what's up with your ears my ear oh sh geez we're on this again and how does anyone in this profession not know what cauliflower is I've never seen him so quiet the only Mission Galan has been with him on is the one where Barney doed so has Gina ever seen him at all I'm looking for a man named Desa I don't know if it's a kindness or a sin that they waited until the fourth movie to drag poor Tony jar into this mess why do you have Barnie's ring this fuing stupid ring is so integral to the plot of this movie that I'm half expecting us to find out it's Dominic Cobb's totem the gentara has changed course and it's tracking and route to the Russian coast of vlast franchise heads to Russia again but still refuses to provide a Drago Rocky rematch do I need to start the Rocky 4 references up again name's Fen Leong by ocel lot's former partner who'd love to R ocelot out then why the hasn't he already they just told us he's in witness protection so why aren't they already squeezing him for ot's identity is it all just because the script told him to wait is that ax no it's a snow shovel that makes sense not for Humanity but for you it makes sense e has known these people for a few weeks at most and is acting like he's got longstanding in jokes with Gunner there's only so many times you can kill a man Christmas I mean it's wants right the answer is wants you lose a little more of yourself I have to stop before there was nothing left and yet onb 3 I'm calling [ __ ] that anyone is seeing this hand signal while skydiving in the pitch dark So the plan here is to parachute onto the boat and what hope that none of the bad guys see half a dozen people falling from the sky and landing on the deck of course the only reason they aren't shot out of the sky is because this is a trap but they don't know that yet it's a ghost down in here she says with confidence before checking any of the room they weren't hiding in the walls or with the cloaking device they were crouched behind computers Gina check your Corners ah yes this is all been a trap but I feel like it's a trap that The Expendables could easily have foiled if they had thrown in a few flashbangs first that should probably be step one and would have absolutely any hope of this surprise attack working what a mess this turned out to be I mean yeah it's kind of unbelievable like you guys knew it was too quiet and yet you didn't adjust your tactics at all my intel was solid your intel was a on this is he suggesting that easy day should defecate on his penis because I don't think that works out for anyone involved also his intel was both in this instance and for Libya and yet no one is seriously suspecting that he's the villain we don't know you he was verified Twitter you heard me I said Twitter you sold him out so you can be on top oh back off you wouldn't do that what him on top but Gina didn't sell Christmas out she wasn't even in Libya Marsh's suggestion makes no sense and seems to only be uttered so he's able to get the on top comment out in the open we're going to find out eventually that Marsh is ocelot and so this is all staged but staged for whose benefit exactly what would it even matter at this point at The Expendables know Mars is the bad guy Mars has them captured and trapped on a ship with a nuclear bomb on board Mars is just wasting time and considering his plan involves him getting off a ship before nuclear explosion goes off time isn't something he has a ton up how could use you I can't if I let the old me out I don't know if I could ever get him back in like no us before we've got a character that refuses to help because their personal code prevents it but will of course break set code to XM of the day with no good reason Christmas is able to get on this ship this easily and undetected maybe they're not expecting him but still a full ship of armed men and you're telling me not one of them had his eyes facing the side of the ship because that would be not likely was that really necessary did we need to go to space to illustrate that Lee has figured out a Russian satellite will spot this boat and think it's American that's where the CG budget went it's your call whether the Expendables need to leave up to their namesake or not but that's the entire point of The Expendables they're Expendable they are useless in a prisoner exchange scenario ront might be a terrible villain I really don't know how this dot is helping him locate the team in the slightest okay it tells you where they are on this 2D plane but there's nothing on this that says how deep in the ship they are and considering he wasn't even supposed to be on this Mission I very much doubt he had access to the blueprints of this ship to fill in the gaps come to think of it how does his phone have this much detail about the damn ship the noname thugs just so happen to be watching the video of Lee kicking the sh out of a civilian mere seconds before he kicks the out of them no that is an axe te can't come to the phone right now she's a little limp this movie is 83% ball Jokes which means the entire Expendable cast would be excellent in cinema sense don't shoot by the bomb mercenaries who have not been speaking English up until this point suddenly switched to English for no other reason than to give our hero an idea Lee decided to play fair instead of slashing all the tires on these other bikes and prevent himself from being followed if only he was The Knife Guy no one will be seated for the exciting 5 mph motorcycle chase on board the ship Christmas manages to not hit either of these guys on bikes from this short of a distance and that is all kinds of [ __ ] expend fbl chooses to show us a scene where two motorcycles fight over who has the bigger throttle these motorcycle tires deflect bullets as if they're made of metal and not you know rubber they're tires nope bringing a knife bandana and your legs to an assault rifle fight also I'd call this a Tony XM jar but for that to apply I'd have to believe that Lee was in any kind of danger and unfortunately the current bullets f to deadly ratio makes that impossible I don't want to keep going on about this except I do so the mercenaries here are either all armed with assault rifles that are empty or they haven't been shown how to use them i' been a piss since we haloed in here how's the Peeping dolin dolphin how's the Peeping dolphy foxy 50 CU he does like golden showers one sin for the most bizarre piece of foreshadowing in cinema history I expect to have my team returned alive of course for what is a man without his word oh I don't know [Music] seriously what are we even doing look you only need to watch the Raid movies to know that EO Weiss is an impressive fighter and I've also seen Statham pull off some impressive although far less frequently so why the f is this fight made up of a billion Quick Cuts instead of choreographing an actual fight for these two you are robbing us of what could be a fantastic Showdown yes it's the fourth movie but no one is saying you have to give up hell we've had a better version of a Knife Fight On A Boat when Steven Seagal and Tommy Lee Jones did it ining under siege that's the biggest one I got that's technically Gunners so that's the biggest one you stole is more accurate Marsh is oselot so in a surprise shock that shocks and surprises no one who's ever seen a movie Marsh is ocelot but why did he send the expensables to this boat in the first place okay the trapping leads to the prisoner exchange but damn it you're the CIA if he wanted him dead why didn't he just leak the guy's location and secret identity even if he does like that option setting up a prisoner exchange on a boat in the middle of the ocean so that you can shoot him and two CIA agents in the face feels like maybe the 30th most complicated way to achieve your goal what is she going to do with the chain from back here that the guy with the gun in front of her isn't going to do better they're not even trying to take cover how have Marsh's men not already found them I got to turn this ship around Gina doesn't reply what I can't hear word you're saying over all the boat noises does this [ __ ] realize how far away he is we will now watch Lee jack knife an entire aircraft carrier a full 180°. even if this is possible I can't believe this not boat pilot managed to pull it off with confidence by deploying a couple of anchors and setting the propeller to warp nine how do you feel about a promotion that hell'll never be able to take advantage of because he'll be dead how is that an incentive the time in which it takes a boat to sink can depend on a lot of factors but it is safe to say that it takes longer than 58 seconds especially considering Barney hasn't even started firing yet which means this thing went under in less than 50 seconds 25 years ago we were doing a covert op and eight of my team got wiped out I had to fake my own death to open up a classified file but why did Barney have to go through the most convoluted way to fake his own death if he only needed to get a file opened was there a file opening Clause that said he had to die by being blown up on a helicopter after being conveniently hired to do a job by the guy he was trying to out his ocelot also how did no one see Barney shoot isn't that the first thing you check for why would they assume that Barney would willingly go down with the ship instead of parachuting to safety also also how did Barney get to the file without revealing he's still alive for that matter how did he get here how did he know any of this was going down and how did he know to be here at the perfect time to safely I don't get why Barney felt the need to fake his own death when he's clearly clear [ __ ] buoyant great spend the time with again but you could use the shower pretty sure we will all need a shower after this movie is over and that's D will not be easy to remove you ever wonder what happened to jumbo shrimp jumbo shrimp is the corpse but how did they know his body would burn beyond recognition I mean this is the only way this works considering how much jumbo shrimp doesn't look a thing like Barney your whole running gag was how small jumbo shrimp was but did Lee think the plane crash compressed his spine by a full foot also just a reminder that for all we know jumbo shrimp was a great guy that adopted orphans and put puppies through college all this apparent [ __ ] did was win a thumb war and Barney kills him in a plain crash it's the same thing over and over again I'm a nerd not a geek um it's the difference between like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter mate this is our I speak when I'm at home soon as I getting the motor slipper into first time she's talking to you actually she's looking in your direction you see he was looking at you but talking to me wasn't he you see what we have here is a failure to communicate great move on.org needy it's over life is too short to be moping around about some white trash pig roast can I help boner boner from Growing Pains hey I must break you smell that hook smell like Freedom so Road need you to take a look at something it seems to run on some form of electricity you killed my father prepare to die you think this is funny well Terry it sure as [ __ ] ain't sad

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 166,191

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, expendables, expend4bles, stallone, statham

Id: 5nVLXgU_7dE

Length: 19min 55sec (1195 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 23 2024