Everything Wrong With Morbius in 19 Minutes or Less

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from michigan never fail to identify themselves to you cutting your hand is a terrible option for drawing blood there are tendons and muscles in there that one needs for daily function a doctor would [ __ ] know this morbius movie insanity had an obvious disagreement about how many bats was enough to represent a lot of [ __ ] bats the person who was here before was milo no he was also the new milo before him was the other new milo this kid has seen the devil wears prada way too many times despite the fact that it won't come out in his life for another decade or so how long have you been here and you're still not cured the more important question is did new milo wait until he was changed into hospital garments and hooked up to the blood transfusion thingy to ask that second question [Music] movie wastes time on these stephen king bullies that come out of nowhere and add nothing to the story whatsoever milo collapses machine goes beepy other kid yells nurse and no one shows up so naturally the kid who yelled nurse will now himself wait is that a fuse is he supposed to be fixing a blown fuse here by replacing it with a spring what the sh it took a team of scientists to build that machine and you fixed it with a ballpoint pen yeah but to be fair that was some bullsh there's a school for gifted children in new york it's basically a child labor camp but some kids do end up learning a few things dear milo this isn't goodbye i'm gonna find a cure for us narration and reading morbius is just pulling out all the bats i mean hits michael morbius completed his doctorate by 19. am i supposed to be impressed dougie hauser was practicing medicine by age 12. by that measure michael is a philistine the step forward to acknowledge the receipt of your prize from his majesty the king of sweden sweden sweden everyone knows that a think prize from sweden is like a star on the hollywood walk of fame you just have to pay the right people and it's done get back to me when belgium is giving morbius a think prize and we'll talk but probably still not i can't believe you dissed the king of sweden especially after choosing to attend the function you could have turned the prize down over the phone why waste everyone's time we're supposed to like michael right telling this to a patient of dr morbius front page american scientist rejects noble price they are trying too hard to make this guy seem awesome does our generous benefactor milo know what you're actually doing here if not then he probably doesn't care because you are doing it in the wide the open right now so remixing human dna with fat dna i know that's not a punch line but okay i think [Laughter] you know there's something called plausible deniability then maybe don't stick the giant vampire bat aquarium right in the middle of a lab dr bancroft is in daily these are the only mammals on earth that have evolved to feed exclusively on blood absolutely wild to me that this is a spider-man villain not a batman villain we have to push the boundaries take the risk without that there is no science no medicine jared leto's acting philosophy ends up as actual dialogue in this movie at least norman osborne had the balls to test his [ __ ] on his own self oh no that mouse we injected with mountain dew died except i'm sure this is a fake out and the mouse will come back to life and probably even be bloodthirsty like satan i don't want to see you get hurt dr martine bancroft isn't talking to me in this scene dr morpius it's anna anna let's [ __ ] go wait who's the casana temperature spiking in her kidneys or something though better inject mountain dew into her veins doctor are we sure the illness isn't related to the combination of both yankees and mets pennants on the wall you're late doctor who is that also yet another instance in a movie where someone being late doesn't matter and is really only here for mindless dialogue i'm close milo i can feel it a cure anytime a movie character says they are close to a cure you can be sure they are not only not close to a cure but they are almost certainly close to becoming a villain where the original spartans mate and the few against the many you can't be the original thing while also clearly coming well after the thing this is like lionel hut saying we're the original loud couple do you really think we give a [ __ ] which general part of the international waters they're in christ [Music] premature celebration you know the whole near-death thing is very very chic i read it in cosmo cosmo references in 2022 or not dino might and in fact they can kiss migrants this movie wants us to believe that being excellent at origami leads to dates with the ladies and i can assure you it does not nor do magic tricks memorizing christopher cross songs or being a talented cross stitcher wow he's all steve rogers before the serum kinds of skinny but this is jared leto do i even want to know if this is cg or not now if this goes like the mouse he's gonna die first then she'll look over five minutes later and he'll be washing his face with his paws don't shoot i'm wondering why he didn't shoot michael when he was still preoccupied with dancing on the ceiling he should absolutely shoot now so he mixed vampire bat blood in his own blood and it changed the physical shape of his nose and teeth i guess this movie is saying that vampire bats can create actual vampires i like to better blade when just opened with him being a vampire and i didn't get forced to try and understand a scientific reason for it vorbius was more than happy to kill the mercs milo hired for security but somehow is able to control himself enough to not go after an unconscious martine and you might think the movie will eventually explain how he can hold back on these urges and you would be wrong what i know he did supernatural last night but he has no clue if he can turn that back on or if it was just a reaction to the drug and even if he's a good swimmer do you know how far out international waters are they are you die by trying to swim it far all the bodies that you're looking at are nearly drained of their blood can you tell that at a crime scene i guess you maybe can but that seems like a pretty big leap you would only make in a vampire movie the movie hospitals just not have security between movies like this the fugitive halloween 2 etc you can just skip around wherever you want in an emergency room and read patient charts and steal patients food and nobody's the wiser they have eight bodies and one survivor in a coma and you're telling me they don't have anyone guarding her she's in a coma why is there a bottle of pills in the nightstand are they shoving medications down her throat because i'm thinking they're using the iv to give her the drug she needs not you know pills as a result of my procedure i have an overpowering urge to consume blood human blood but how's he know that for certain has he tried other animal blood in the meantime seems like you'd at least give some cow or pig blow to spin before committing to this theory absolutely wild to me that this is a spider-man villain not a batman villain i've even developed a form of echolocation the [ __ ] all your stupid ass did is take an earth creature's blood and put that [ __ ] in your body this movie isn't even saying there's a history of vampires or anything it seems like the movie is saying he's the very first one and i hate that [ __ ] [ __ ] why does his ear look like a sarlacc pit how does that help with echolocation dolphins use echolocation and i bet you can't even tell me what a dolphin's ears [ __ ] look like you dick god the question is how do i control it isolate it breathe and let it go well that was [ __ ] easy but also morbia stole my method for holding in my orgasms for longer i mean not like hold them in forever or anything that would be uncomfortable i imagine i'm guessing because i definitely let them out you know eventually okay this is meant to show how amazing his echolocation is but i think his aim is actually way more impressive here because he managed to throw that ball in a spot where it would bounce off 13 surfaces and return directly to his [ __ ] hand like a boomerang that's amazing one question remains who let the dogs out milo what are you doing what are you doing still calling yourself milo your name is lucian and yeah i guess the milo thing would have been funny when you were kids but based on how much time and money you're assisting michael with the least he could do is call you by your actual name and somehow he sees michael write blood on glass and is 100 certain that means michael needs to drink blood even after hearing this milo still wants to cure for himself and we saw him look at it earlier so he probably already grabbed it honestly which only makes this conversation more unnecessary and infuriating agent stroud and rodriguez oh yeah there are detectives investigating the murders i forgot all about them and one of them is tyrese but also why are there us detectives investigating murders that occurred in international waters that was a panamanian boat so the jurisdiction falls to panama sorry for the graphic nature of some of these photos but um you're a doctor so you know what people look like on the inside but just because she's a doctor doesn't mean she's dissecting people on the daily he could have at least asked if she wanted to finish her hospital jell-o before looking at the murder photos who's working at the horizon building looking at x-rays at 2 24 am when the rest of the entire wing is blacked out like it's empty or literally no one else is awake on this floor anyone who has ever seen a movie and i mean any movie knows that there is no way this is michael attacking the employee so it's dumb movie is trying to hide the fact that it's milo stroud and rodriguez just mentioned michael's name when they were questioning martin so how have they not gone to horizon and question him yet it's been at least a few days since all the dead bodies were discovered i guess they can't know for a fact michael was on the ship but they thought enough about him to bring his name up to martine this dead body has just been left in this hall and no one has seen it until now was michael asleep a few doors down when milo murdered this person those bad ears are sh alright before he even came out here morbius is super hearing her someone say it looks like all the blood was drained from her body and looking at this woman there was no way to know that by sight it's just a thing they keep having these characters say so you will think the vampires leave more evidence behind than they probably do you really think these vamps are drinking a gallon and a half of blood slurping hard at the end like the body as a straw so they can suck out the last bits of red juice from the victim's toes michael is using the crutches for appearances sake now but back when he came out of anna's room he was standing without support for all the staff and patients to see yeah you're coming with us are the handcuffs necessary at this point i know it's super odd that there's another dead body with his blood missing this close to michael but they don't know michael has convenient bat ears and heard the report come in also now let michael keep his notebook in jail that could be evidence it's triple blessed over blessing your holy water bag of artificial blood yeah it's an evidence i'm sorry but the notebook that could have all the information you need in regards to what michael has been up to with his experiments is not evidence but you do you officer doofus i'm starting to get hungry you don't want to see me when i'm hungry this riff on the traditional don't want to see me when i'm angry hulk line is neither appreciated nor earned they did this joke with ed norton's hulk too and it wasn't funny then either they're charging me with murder um rightfully so you 100 murdered eight people hey your highness time's up what it's been like two minutes even suspected vampire murderers get a reasonable amount of time to sit down with their lawyer and discuss the case milo drops a packet of blood for michael to drink so he can escape prison because notoriously prisons never frisk visitors or check them for capri suns full of blood this works daddy bugle please sir right the hell off you think i'm joking no one sees milo turn into a vampire and brutally murder a new stan vendor in the middle of a busy street i'm not sure how else i would do it but it's kind of hilarious to me that his tracing colors are the orange of his prison jumpsuit like somehow the visuals of the morbius vampire powers are still tied to the color of whatever clothes michael's wearing before he went vamp i killed the nurse i killed the nurse man on a public street with lots of witnesses i feel like milo just inadvertently signed his own war as you watch this battle and root for jared leto i remind you that leto's character has murdered eight people and milo has only murdered one or two so if we have to choose sides here and clearly we do then we should probably be team milo if we're going from a pure justice standpoint no you took a serum that had another species blood in it you apparently have no concept of evolution honestly michael michael this article heading states that the police seek to question michael but he was already arrested he's an escaped fugitive at this point also apparently the chameleon escaped as well so it seems like the front page story should be about how new york city prisons are not great at keeping criminals in them stranger [ __ ] off that he's here right now you go straight to goddamn hell i didn't tell no sudden or the police or any of those people just the aid on the boat then you did kill the mercs you 100 did that this movie is absolutely napalming the fact that he's a murderer his face is on the front page of the paper and they went to a busy cafe not that kind of vampire just checking but why would martine think that he was that kind of vampire they literally had to walk through daylight to get to this cafe i'll become like milo you won't he already did back when he chomped eight people to death on the boat [Music] i wish you were because then i would be watching a much better movie six to eight weeks a little ibuprofen would heal up just fine not without a splint or at least some tape to keep the broken fingers stabilized he might even need surgery you call yourself a doctor no one will be seated during the scene where michael builds a centrifuge and blood mixing lab out of counterfeiting machines i'm gonna do you a favor let me walk out of here in the movies this only ever happens to people the audience knows is going to kick ass like jack reacher or ethan hunt or tom cruise but also they said her drinks are spoken for and then she drank the drink anyway like she didn't care so are they just deciding who can and can't hit on women in this bar cause they're acting like she's their girl and she's acting like she's not this place is sealed off and michael stole an entire counterfeiting lab so he could do blood without having to come here but now martine and milo are here chilling out and no one even seems to be guarding this place at all here kitty kitty kitty kitty look any detective smart enough to call the cat would also be smart enough to shake the food dish and not the litter pan what a [ __ ] dumb ass also keeping your litter box in the middle of the hallway you have to be pretty stupid and or uncoordinated to cut yourself while opening a can of [ __ ] cat food you wanted a scene where michael was tested by his blood lust while martine was the only available victim so sure you needed her to get cut and bleed fine but you went with cut self while opening cat food you [ __ ] idiots how does it feel when you're on red she says when you're on red instead of when you've drunk real actual human blood and it's weird to me that she's just making up slang for types of blood now like she's selling wmds or pandemic on the baltimore street corners could it's new nice work doctor would a band-aid really kill the blood smell for a vampire because i don't think it would he killed eight people and no i will not stop harping on this because it's [ __ ] nuts that she and everyone else is willing to forgive and forget that he was looking for michael he followed martine to michael he is spying on them kissing but seems he's still waiting for something maybe his next life as we cut to the next morning that's what these blood suckers do they multiply so wait are vampires real in this movie now i mean before michael and milo can't have him say a line like this without there being previous in-world evidence of vampires this bird never moves at all during this entire scene so does this guy have a stuffed bird in a cage on his desk and if so is that the most specific piece of character development for a character with five lines in history like the victims before them they were completely drained of their blood earning the killer the moniker vampire murderer that is the worst killer name of all time first of all it's bland as [ __ ] but second and more importantly taken at face value it suggests that the killer is murdering vampires not that the killer is a vampire christ it'd be like calling the boston strangler the strangler murderer or calling son of sam the mailman murder you're scaring me please you saw him on tv after he murdered people and yet you still came here so if you're scared right now but at least some small portion of that is on you there's no shame in what we are tell michael i'm gonna kill as many as i want attempting to murder someone you want to pass on a message he's only destroyed by a stake through the heart made from the wood of the holy cross why would michael or martine even think this is a possibility our team proved that sunlight doesn't affect michael so the traditional vampire rules could very well be ineffective but tomorrow i'll be forced to consume human blood and i can't do that again you forgot to say again also i must say once again you could try out another animal's blood before just going straight to human so this is your solution huh injecting yourself with poison oh no she's gonna voluntarily let him drink her blood isn't she oh no so instead of just attacking michael and martine back when he was tommy peeping on them kissing he waited so he could kill jared harris first and then kidnap martine after michael went to check on the this is way too convoluted [Music] so what is the actual range of bat ear detection the internet tells me it's two to ten meters but they're expecting us to believe it's more than a few rooms over and i'm calling back okay you guys are liars morbius vamp jumps here while wearing all black and you make his vamp jump swishes purple but earlier he was wearing orange and his vamp jump switches were orange to match the clothes you cheat make it mean something make it mean something you had so many chances to not be involved in this yet you chose time and again to stay involved and now you're like make my sacrifice mean something like your tom hanks at the end of saving private ryan god damn feeding off your dead girlfriend why do i get the feeling i'm going to understand about ten percent of what happens for me going out honestly this final fight is probably the best time in the whole film for you to go to the bathroom also whether it's sony or disney it just wouldn't be a marvel movie without it ending on two beings that appear to be equally powerful battling it out and the good guy or at least the gooder guy will win because reasons it's weird they chose to set the finale in the same underconstruction tunnels from die hard with a vengeance this rippling in the water will cause a bunch of vampire bats that are just hanging out in the new york city subway system for some reason to come and save michael and i [ __ ] hate everything is there any particular reason the bats like michael more than milo michael was the one keeping them captive after all guys they no longer know what's going on morbius breaking dawn part one these credit scenes have gone too far i'm not sure how i got here has to do with spider-man i think so why would the doctor strange spell from no way home bring that universe's vulture to this universe and no way home everyone was getting pulled into tom holland's universe but i think a bunch of guys like us should team up could do some good intriguing is it though why would morbius have any interest in going up against spider-man what has spider-man done to him to warrant an immediate team-up with a super villain michael has never met also where did the vulture get his tech in this universe based on what we've seen in the venom movies this universe doesn't have a tony stark or an avengers which means no alien invasion and therefore no alien tech for the vulture to use also also i guess morbius either figured out a way to live off non-human blood or is just okay with killing humans all of a sudden did i mention i [ __ ] hate everything now it's made from guano guano that sounds so familiar thanks again to better help for sponsoring today's episode sometimes taking steps toward mental health can feel daunting better help makes it easy with a questionnaire and connection to a licensed therapist in under 48 hours with your therapist you can schedule secure video and phone sessions that meet your needs plus you can exchange unlimited messages with them most importantly everything is completely confidential our staff is included in the two million plus people who have taken steps forward for mental health with better health and we highly recommend speaking to a trusted licensed therapist get 10 off your first month at betterhelp.com cinemasins the link is in the description once we've concluded our business here all right guys uh listen to blues riff and b watch me for the changes and try and keep up okay you know what occurred to me oh you're just a kid everybody down to the lab now were you calling from our walkie talkie hey michael sorry you're gonna be okay you're gonna be okay say the goddamn word one question remains why does radio shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries i'm thinking about um taking a trip went doc for a minute taking heat huh just making a change yeah don't tell me making a change either you got heat or you don't the [ __ ] did you see him the crippled which way did he go mr anderson this is wrong come on michael come on what are you waiting for huh

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,129,278

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, Jaret Leto, MCU, Marvel film, Marvel Movie, Morbius Reaction, parody, comedy, Morbius review, spider-man villains, morbius, spider-man

Id: md5dR1XqVT8

Length: 21min 29sec (1289 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 05 2022