Everything Wrong With Eternals In 25 Minutes Or Less

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free meals and three surprise gifts the link is in the description the bible also i'm sassy the power of boners is evidently strong enough to overrule the weirdness that richard robb stark madden would fall for a character named cersei this is the funniest death since sam jackson and deep blue sea also i think it's fair to assume that the less imaginative x-men have some sort of deviant detecting gadgets to help with their mission so it feels like some bullsh that they all got here just in time to not be able to save this poor kid's father jesus icarus was in the sky so why did he just watch this poor bastard get eaten for the sake of his dramatic entrance we got a speedster we got a flying laser man we got a badass jolie with a trident and a really powerful punch man imagination all tapped out after the glory operating trident finger guns discount kamehameha i know there's a lot of super beings to cram into this movie but does everything have to feel so derivative we've seen plenty of times before i'm glad everyone could get into the hero pose for this shot but i'm especially happy that angelina jolie could recreate her 2012 oscars pose at the same time if you were worried you were going to be late why did you set your alarm to can't make it on time o'clock amid the measureless grossness and the slag allowing a man that knows nothing to teach classes also enter jon snow's presence in this movie makes cersei's love life a game of bones who can tell me what an apex predator is it's a cheetah when you ask the mandalorian for a second wish you didn't earn this deviant emerges from the water and says what's up and inexplicably goes back down into the water again i guess i just wanted an unseen audience to know that the deviants are back wow i guess nobody wants to discuss the apparent global earthquake that just hit earlier today time to go to a bar party wait what the hell your hand you've had too much to drink you know how i can tell that this dude is sober enough not to fall for this he's conscious since we're going to find out that arsham is an evil celestial who creates worlds only to destroy them only to create more celestials and a pointless circle of life i don't understand the reasoning behind creating your turtles with very specific skills like this wouldn't you want all the eternals to have deviated killing powers keep that safe yes keep him safe while i lead the murder tooth tentacle dog into the heart of london and its people like why the are cars even driving down this road when they see a clearly visible monster walking around on it the london muggles still not see fantastic beasts and couldn't find them even if you handed them fantastic beasts and where to find them richard madden looks so much like henry cavill and has power so similar to superman that by the time the credits roll in this movie people are going to demand the snyder cut [Music] an american beauty in london also this looks rad as hell but why pedals i mean fortunately this bus only had a driver but what if it had passengers i doubt the spectacle would have covered the pain of being catapulted into the sidewalk it's too bad i can't change sentient beings but why would that be a game-changing power to use against the deviants and if her power was deliberately limited to prevent it from being used against humanity how the do you explain mind master druid why didn't you guys help fight thanos yawn no matter what answer she gives it's the real answer is marvel didn't have plans for the eternals when all the thanos went down so they didn't technically exist we were instructed not to interfere in any human conflicts but just the conflicts feel free to reveal your interstellar starship go wild with a dramatic superhero lineup shot or give away precious artifacts that apparently shaped human history just make sure you don't save any lives in the process let's go to ajax first sorry every time i hear this name i think of ajax the household cleaner or ajax the fighter from mortal kombat or pat sajak but i have noticed something special about this planet planet earth and its people are inexplicably special and unique cliche this steam engine this is still too soon non-interference in the progress of a less advanced race seems like a no-brainer so why is fastos putting all this effort into designing technology he knows he won't be able to give to the humans he's smart enough to know they aren't ready for it and that ajax wouldn't allow it even if he believed they were also in fasto's defense this is the most specific brand of non-interference i've ever seen don't give the humans technology but blow their minds by living among them and entertaining them with a sky cinema don't let them be killed by deviants but allow them to butcher each other by the millions how can a speedster ever be late you are very beautiful cersei and sand wait were icarus and cersei dating for nearly a thousand years before marriage in the previous scene they were in babylon 575 bc now it's 400 a.d i know time is different for eternal but holy that's a long courtship also i thought cersei told her boyfriend that she and icarus had been together for 5 000 years but if icarus waited until 575 bc to make a move we're talking only around 2 600 years but we'd have to subtract a large number from that because icarus left her centuries ago mesopotamia babylon india south dakota it is weird to me that the rsm communication orb waits until cersei is within cpr distance to finally change bodies when talking about the wonders of the new universe why the didn't this thing immediately trek to london and find cersei also not asking for consent before going ball deep are you sure you talked to darshan what else would it be mud weary mad where is when an eternal's lifetime full of memories cause a mental break mad weary is what i get when i watch 150 minute comic book movies that drag on eternally for a lifetime causing a mental break wait does that mean makari was in the woods with the other eternals then flash silvered all the way back to town to save that kid and back i know she can sense vibrations but is she like the dean in that simpsons episode that knows the sound of a pig fainting once the others kill these last deviants we will have eliminated them all from the planet why doesn't fasto's hologram thing know that there are deviants frozen in ice that aren't dead as dina succumbs to mothers against drunk driving or whatever madness they're calling it we are treated to yet another good guy possessed by forces beyond their control and attacking fellow good guys scene that we've seen a million times in marvel's past the chances of anything truly consequential happening here are almost zero yeah they talk about erasing thena's memory after this but then decide against it and her memories aren't key to anything important that happens later anyway so i'm having a hard time caring and all i can do is erase you so that you can start over why can't she be more selective with the memory white why does ajax need to reform out the entire hard drive there's got to be a ton of stuff in there she doesn't need that can be cleared out like old recipes how to speak latin or cyborg 2 the glass shadow could our mission have been a mistake probably but the way your head is turned in the next shot is definitely a mistake if you want to stop me you're gonna have to kill me and as history will show all the people of tenochtitlan lived happily ever after arm in arm with spanish conquistadors this is where we say goodbye hina's mental break is what leads to this protagonist fight and breakup moment since there aren't any more deviants to kill for 500 years rendering this moment i'm still having a hard time giving a sh movie stops even deader in its tracks to show the rehearsal of a bollywood number for a minute and a half hey guys kumail just got here and he is super ripped did none of your bozos tell him he's just the comic relief and isn't even in the finale i've been waiting for the day the world learns the true identity of the shadow warrior ajax dead jesus sprite i know kingo is a bit of a clown but do you want to maybe be a little less brutal in your delivery of the news that his friend of 7000 years kicked it you need to come with us my god just go i mean all these people depend on me we just started shooting this movie kingo was put on earth by a galactic super being for the specific reason of killing the deviants how is a movie production even remotely competition compared to that we just got bts to do okay you like the podcast cool why did anyone tell me life affords no greater duty than to protect one's family remember it's your favorite line from the shadow warrior 2 voyage of time taking advice from sequels holy sh this app just turned richard madden into stephen lang nobody ever wonders how you managed to be the leading man for over a hundred years that is my great-great-grandfather that is my great-grandfather grandfather yeah but even if you were able to somehow fool everyone into thinking you're part of a long lineage of bollywood actors which is impossible they'd still have questions as to why every kid looks exactly the same every generation look reese witherspoon's daughter ava looks a ton like reese witherspoon but she doesn't look exactly like her okay there are exceptions what took you so long look the strong punchy man is wearing a funny apron laugh mortals laugh i'm karon king goes valley oh vale like alfred in batman wait what one of two things is happening here either marvel is acknowledging that dc comics exist or the dc heroes themselves exist i'm just saying that's weird when it's going to make even less sense in 2038 when we see the first avengers versus justice league movie it's true buddy we lost her i wish this movie would pick a lane with its tone because this pie moment almost feels like it was played for laughs are we just done being sad that ajax was murdered you're an eternal the greatest warrior of olympia i know this is technically for athena's benefit but we are 50 minutes into this movie and are still just getting through the backstories of these characters it's almost as if introducing 13 new super beings in one film wasn't a great idea remember who you are sprite quotes the lion king to snap thena out of her trance this is not alcoholic for kids i gave you the same thing sprite these ha ha sprite as a child jokes are cruel man especially since they must know that being trapped as a child for seven thousand years is torture for her story used to follow me around when he was a little kid now he's a famous adventurer and won't return my calls wait when were you ever in asgard or even remember asgard if you were there this movie made very plain that you woke up to defend earth 7000 years ago and you have no idea you've been used thousands of times to defend other planets because your memory has been white every billion years new celestials must be born more story time i mean i don't envy the job this movie has to do there's a huge amount of backstory to communicate here but maybe that's why we would have been better off with a multi-part tv series instead of this weird in-between phases movie that no one was really ready for in order to grow teammate needs vast amounts of energy from intelligent life how does the celestial harness this human energy all the way down to earth's core well it's easy you see hold on a second let me get some notes also if tm needs as many human lives as possible to be born and being born results in the destruction of the planet the non-interference rule makes even less sense interfere away do whatever it takes to pump those human numbers up also also wouldn't this also mean that the celestials would have wanted the eternals to prevent thanos from flipping away half the population good god i hope earth takes an epidural for this celestials use energy gathered from host planets to create suns generating gravity heat and light for new galaxies to form did marvel just casually slip its version of the big bang theory the origin of the species and the bible into this movie this is huge this changes everything but will of course likely change nothing it is here that i built and programmed the eternals if the eternals of all android robot things couldn't rshm have presumably programmed them to be okay with the emergence why give them free will at all if they've been created to fulfill a specific mission they are stored here why do you keep them i keep them in order to study the deviance so the most powerful being in the universe needs an external hard drive to get its research done every celestial host planet has its own predators i first sent the deviants to exterminate them so intelligent life could grow okay so once the deviants evolved and became uncontrollable why did you keep sending them to planets to kill the natural predators why didn't you just start sending a turtles to do that job do planets automatically come with deviants they evolved became predators themselves and i lost control of them how how does this galactic super being lose control of creatures that are barely more of all than dinosaurs and why would the answer be to create robots with free will that you apparently have even less control over i built and programmed you eternals to be synthetic beings and incapable of evolution how does putting them at the top of the food chain fix the evolution issue surely that makes them more dangerous and more likely to pull the exact you're trying to avoid again why wouldn't he just bake it into their genes that they can't evolve past a certain point and don't give me that life finds away bs i ain't buying it cersei ajak has chosen you to take her place wait like forever can't you just make another psalm a hayek to replace the previous one do not fail me or what what would be the punishment for failing cersei's lived a long long life i guess she could torture her forever but without a stated consequence why should we care what she does so you're saying we're basically fancy robots i'm honestly shocked this secret has been kept for millions of years is it purely because ajax was happy to keep it secret but why if this is for the greater good of the universe why all the secrecy why would a jack and harsham assume that the eternals would be against the emergence especially when arsham is the one programming the eternals every time innocent lives have been sacrificed for the greater good it turns out to be a mistake on earth right i'm not saying she's wrong but her only frame of reference that she can remember is earth's history right there has to be a way to emit can emerge without destroying the earth what the even is this suggestion you think you can have a giant baby the size of a planet emerge from the earth's core without destroying it has to be a way cersei's phone starts ringing here playing lizzo as if this long-ass movie needed any other interruptions kingo the i've just been told i've been sent on a suicide mission for the past 7 000 years what part of it is a suicide mission after the deviants are gone and the emergence starts don't they get picked up reset sent on a new mission keeping everyone awake with your midnight blacksmithing nonsense come on you know who you are you're athena goddess war yes because it's as easy as that to talk yourself out of a millennia spanning mental illness why did aeroshem make me this way oh good question that deserves an answer but we won't ever get one maybe they're saving it for the next eternals if there is one maybe this is why you don't leave questions dangling in every single movie why did you leave my god man it was four minutes ago when we saw a deviant sneaking around in the trees lurking about waiting to strike apparently the deviants all decided to let the eternals ask questions about life the universe and everything before they attack days became years tell me about it did the laser eyes take time to charge do they cause icarus pain i really don't know why he isn't continuously zapping the monster from annihilation but by this point i guess i shouldn't be surprised at marvel for having no interest in explaining who can do water wide who or how often these homogenous beings that have absolutely no other motivation than to kill kill kill are just not all that satisfying to see get beat they don't have any particular traits that make them all that menacing because the eternals have a clear advantage this isn't like alien or predator where the humans are outmatched and they have to use their wits or something try buy me some time sprite appears to have loki levels of power but apparently a knife to the neck is the best she could do to distract the rainbow chitari that hadouken only took about 15 seconds to charge up and completely lobotomize the deviate but for some reason we never see kingo use this ridiculously op power ever again it's one thing when you can't aim with a gun it's an entirely different thing when you can't aim with your eyes this more deep thing finna is experiencing takes her out of the action far too long in these scenes it's like the movie wanted to have angelina jolie but it didn't want her to do anything talk about a girl interrupted i will kill you all for what you have done to my kind you are murderers if the engineer from prometheus now has the memories of ajax wouldn't he also know that these eternals are just as much in the dark and being used by rhyme as the deviants are themselves and what is fighting the eternal is going to solve tiamat is still on the way so why not work together why is diplomacy never on the table i don't understand why arsham can't just make another gilgamesh when he showed cersei how the sausage was made earlier there were thousands of eternals ready to go and since these movies play fast and loose with interstellar travel it shouldn't be too hard to order a new train to the sun and have him sent to earth immediately jack that's superman look at your i've already pointed out the icarus to superman i haven't made a great joke about the snyder cut i don't need you acknowledging that picking everything up icarus is now reading a star wars comic which means disney exists in this universe which means marvel exists which means cinema sins videos about disney and marvel also exist which means i should really stop this video right now not because my brain is understandably broken but because arusham is likely listening to every word i'm seeing i don't use my powers anymore are you sure was there not a better way to check than to risk blowing a hole in the side of the man's house icarus is an addict to ikea it has taken over 90 minutes the run time of most movies to get the band back together 90. i can watch primer twice in the time it takes to watch this movie and i would be a damn sight less confused foreboding atmosphere fills the air i like kumail nanjani a lot but can we just skip to the part where they reunite with makari this is a fun deleted scene when you buy this movie on blu-ray at best i don't know how any of this works but wasn't the domo completely underground how has makari been living on this ship for centuries was there a secret opening it's all about streaming now you know what you need is a kindle because twinkies and kindles and explaining modern things is funny also every single reunion with each eternal has been this oh my god ajax is dead and oh my god you mean irish i'm lied to us and oh my god you mean the world is gonna end can we just muppets this reunion already i can't believe we're all back together even all you guys who weren't in the montage a unimined i'm wondering can you try to call doctor strange and see if he can help with this that guy took on a god for christ's sake brainstorm that's a winner no i invented it so i'm calling it whatever i want planet earth is about to pass a galactic kidney stone and they think this is the perfect time to argue about naming an invention also fastest manages to ex-mock it of this solution so fast it makes tony stark inventing time travel look sorry i couldn't get through that nothing is dumber than stark inventing time travel overnight so 10 more sins for endgame fine just keep lying to yourself sprite and there goes the team we had a cohesive group of heroes on screen for all of five and a half minutes was it good for you guys too i know what you think um he's not who you think he is cliche guys hold on i gotta go to that one place where i lost my virginity and think some things through how long do we have seven days holy sh did she watch the tape from the ring the people of this planet brought everyone back with a snap of a finger well it was iron man if i recall and several people from other planets who helped out that didn't really have anything to do with the world population being inherently good i think you just wanted to tie your story in with the other marvel movies i have seen them fight and lie and kill but i have also seen them laugh and love this is the reason why ajax doesn't want the emergence to happen because humans do bad things but do a lot of good things too that's the reason she somehow never experienced this before she landed on earth millions of years i feel bad for interstellar life if we're the ones who set the best example and broke free last week when the glaciers started to melt as the earth's core heats up for the emergence unfortunately the idea that a celestial being is gestating inside the earth's core is not the most ridiculous argument against man-made global warming that twitter showed me today they killed an entire company of oil workers such mass murder by souped-up robo-demons did not make the news at all all of these oil workers are single with no families and no bosses to report to so it was kept pretty hush-hush why was ajax so certain that everyone would adopt her humans are good and worth saving policy and why is her position inherently good because we're humans so we should be on her side what did she ever teach icarus that she was hoping would change his perspective somehow this deviant has managed to rogue from x-men the eternals but how i can believe that power draining tentacles are the result of evolution but that takes millions of years and the eternals have been around for less than ten thousand if the prime deviant just killed ajax sucked out her power and then transferred her powers to his fellow deviants why does this deviant get wings did ajax have flying abilities and why wouldn't they all get wings cry lasers i've thought about this place a lot haha i bet you have stud but the whole neighborhood catches fire when you wank it find the point of emergence why does she have to find the point of emergence is because she's been vastly underused in this movie why doesn't cersei already know she's going to get a text alert about the celestial's birth shouldn't she be told where it's happening also since fast dose gave her a gps hologram thing that tells her exactly where the emergence is happening why does she even have to go there's absolutely nothing gained by her making this trip icarus what are you doing what's so suspicious about icarus getting changed i'd wear the out of that thing all day he won't succeed against me and i will kill every one of you if i have to if icarus is so powerful why did aeroshem bother building any of the other eternals why not make ten of him i still have faith in nourishment but i refuse to hurt any of you from my beliefs why does king go go neutral here if anyone in the eternals is a slam dunk pro-human character it's him but he somehow wants to do the airship's dirty work which i still haven't decided it's all that dirty it would have been interesting to see more of a 50 50 split among the eternals certainly more believable than the sides picked in civil war cersei this fear inside of you it creates a connection between you and aeroshem maybe i can repurpose it and create a connection between uh well all of us sure why not one ring to rule them all one ring to find them one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind [Music] it's over and i shall in no way confirm this because there is no way i can be wrong no one will be seated during the eternals fight molten rock scene i could've used a lot more makari in this movie as all i'm saying a good portion of the next 20 minutes will be super beings fighting super beings with no discernable way of telling who is hurting who or if any hurting is actually possible it certainly is pretty to look at am i the only one who is tired of having a little to nothing invested in these marvel climaxes we can't let it absorb our powers too late just imagine if this villain had been more fully formed before there was 24 minutes left to go in the movie i've been wanting to clip your wings for a long time icarus what you mean even before the reveal that he was a bad guy for what reason also why is he only using this anti-elemental contraption now holy sh does everyone know that fastos can do this this should have been plan a cersei you're not powerful enough to do this this works at least long enough for cersei to get phil coulson because of them now i want to know what it feels like to grow up feels like this whole speech is copy pasted from kirsten dunst dialogue from interview with a vampire just feel like now is not the time and place to air your grievances about not growing up you're upset at humans because they did stuff that was completely out of their control we get to start over somewhere new through eggs rock at ya well that was very moving movie tries to make you care about sprite's problems and then immediately makes a joke that you really shouldn't it's a moment this movie has not earned in any way sprite was an actual protagonist for 95 of this movie and there's still room to suggest the side she picked isn't bad since it's a decision based on an interstellar reworking of the trolley problem i can do this this is your fight now wait wait what why why aren't we going back to plan a with the mind controlling and oh screw it just please end already drizzy might bill skarsgard could not keep guard from these scars i find it genuinely strange that a celestial that requires 7 billion humans to charge its battery can somehow be thwarted this way it's beautiful isn't it this flashback lasts long enough that the celestial should have been born by now and the earth totally destroyed and just like civil war everyone is friends again for no explicable reason other than we need to wrap this up i've been full support but it's still dumb and anticlimactic don't fly into the sun don't fly into the sun please icarus did not fly into the god damn it tim it joined our uni mind sure why not i think i can make you human sure why not jesus christ what is his tv ben's watching i don't even see a digital antenna on this thing isn't fastos supposed to be on the cutting edge of technology i think when we find the other eternals out there and he'll accept the truth the way we did that's a great sentiment but the last time we got a promise like this at the end of a movie we got the matrix reloaded this movie is really long sometimes i wonder if we did the right thing but you followed your heart we all did easy for you to say switzerland you didn't risk anything and one regardless so after all that you still can't change me into a giraffe well i i could next time i'm connected to a celestial during an emergence whilst performing a unimined yeah but you changed that deviant into a tree without any of that so why is the giraffe so difficult the movie asked the question why can cersei change a deviant into a tree earlier and decided we don't need to answer that because we'll do this other thing and we'll forget all about that later turns out my family history is complicated i'm the black knight not to be confused with the black knight from molly python or the dark knight or the green knight or moon knight or knight rider i will spare them but your memories will show if they are worthy to live and i will return for judgment dude why do you give a sh the celestial is dead i thought everybody dying was a byproduct of the celestial's birth not a thing you use to get your rocks off there's uncanny valley and then there's the canyon of unspeakable terror that spawned whatever this is also i may be in the minority but i feel like once you introduce leprechauns into your sprawling superhero opus he may have hit the limits of your universe brother of thanos the knave of hearts your friends are in big trouble it's your kids marty something has to be done about your kids sure you're ready for that mr whitman movie introduces a third new character in the last 15 minutes and he's so new and exciting he's already been played three times by wesley snipes maybe boring we sin reading but we also sin not reading my newest thriller novel when the corn is waste hot now you may be wondering what the this book is about and why you want it in your life so i'm teaming up with amazing people to talk about it like these guys so here's your don't take my word for it take their word for cliche and seriously thanks for all your support and for claiming your copy of my book today this beach was once a cannibal's banqueting hall where the strong gorge during the week we are the borg we will add to a biological and technological distinctiveness to our own look i want to kill the spider you want to kill the spider next time i see you you'll be all in black it was always my color gilgamesh a king he tormented his subjects he made them angry hey big guy sun's getting real low find your own purpose wait a minute what's happening to my special purpose go get to the river and my direction is not worth anything to you how did you do it imagination show me what you got

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,599,539

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, eternals, eternal, everything wrong with eternal, eww eternals, eww eternal, everything wrong with eternals, eternals bloopers, bloopers, movie bloopers, eternals reaction, eternals reaction movie, eternals review, eternals movie reaction, marvel eternals reaction, mcu, first time watching, marvel, movie reaction, eternals movie, eternals post credit scene, reaction, angelina jolie

Id: 8qwzl9JoNUQ

Length: 27min 49sec (1669 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 12 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Castriff]

People have had their problems with the quippy humor and "house style" of Marvel movies for a long time now, but I can honestly say this is the first movie where it truly started to irritate me. Chloé Zhou should have had more creative freedom on this project. It might still have been better as a streaming show, but at least it would be consistent.

[u/Coug-Ra]

“Heiress filmmakers.” ding

[u/Cannabace]

Marvel did all the work for you on this one.

[u/olddicklemon72]

Only 25 min?!

[u/ROBOT_B9]

What, you didn't like when they had the first gay character in the MCU be responsible for Hiroshima? /s

[u/beazzzzz]

“American Beauty in London” - that sin was so good

[u/tatersdabomb]

I really liked this movie

[u/MimsyIsGianna]

Gosh this movie sucked butt