Everything Wrong With Interview with the Vampire In 23 Minutes Or Less

wow mid 90s air tom cruise and brad pitt holy i wonder what kind of motorcycle driving penny drop in action classic we'll get out of this gem with the two most popular leading men of all time i just snorted a line of testosterone to get in the mood baby i'm guessing they blew their budget on the casting for this sucker and thus had to do the title effects on microsoft word which neil jordan had to borrow from a kid in a nearby college hey you know how special effects in movies can be pretty good these days but a lot of them just don't seem realistic you know why the effects on the dinosaurs hold up in jurassic park all these years later you know why aliens t2 and a billion other movies from this general era look so [ __ ] rad stan winston that's why and even though this movie ain't perfect or even good i'm gonna take a sign off for this special effects legend that should be celebrated at every opportunity this slow pan through san francisco does nothing for the movie other than show off an admittedly impressive score and a criminal amount of jaywalking you followed me here didn't you yeah i suppose i did you seem very interesting malloy doesn't suspect that louie is a vampire but pursued him for an interview regardless because why he dresses weird imagine being the biographer that despite there being so few vampires in the world manages to stumble across the only one that will not only not immediately kill and exsanguinate you but also wants to share their life death story with you get this man a lottery ticket so what do you do i'm a vampire rolling credit's not withstanding just because louie is a vampire doesn't mean that's what he does right that's like someone asking me what i do and me replying i'm an [ __ ] like that narrows it down shall we begin like david copperfield i am born i grew up in fact david copperfield opens with a titular character pondering if he is the hero of his own story which is actually a far more fitting parallel to louise store god read much in the last 200 years you're not lying to me are you seems like cuffs here is presented as a hard scrapple reporter that's seen some [ __ ] just because louie apparated over to turn on the lights a few minutes ago he's willing to believe he's a [ __ ] vampire that parlor trick could be performed by jim the drunks currently sleeping on off right outside this very building i was 24 younger than you are now but times were different then i was a man at that age [ __ ] you and your pedantic vampire condescension louie just because this movie came out the same year as reality bites doesn't mean that everyone in their mid-20s was considered a slacker can you name me a time in history where 24 year olds weren't considered adults or men as you call them this polka dot goose flounders this hand so hard that he should be super railed by the billy buns pop locked and rattle jang for pulling this trick pickling my invitation was open to anyone to the horde my side to the pimp that followed give me your money or you die if this lady is a prostitute isn't the pimp already getting louie's money why go to the effort of pimping if you're just gonna mug him anyway whoa man it's less than 10 minutes in the movie and we already have some hot sex symbol on sex symbol action and my fapping ability has limits you know also i'm amazed that any vampires are left undiscovered if this is how they choose to consume their victims okay it's night but there were plenty of people about that could have easily seen this unnecessary display of vampiric aviation pluck out the pain and give you another life one you could never imagine as long as you have no objections to an overpowering dependence on the blood of mortals and don't mind the idea of eventually having to live through the early 2020s always read the fight and print kids that morning i was not yet a vampire he's not a man not yet a sucker i was looking at louie's property and wondered why the cemetery area looked so bad and why he didn't hire landscapers and then i remember this [ __ ] has slaves in the movie totally yadda yaddas and skips right to the supernaturally sexy bloodlust yuck man vamp blood sure does look like cherry kool-aid doesn't i'm half expecting a giant pitcher with a face on it to bust through that mausoleum and go oh yeah what the supernatural [ __ ] is going on here i know vampires can see better than humans and can move faster and all that [ __ ] but what's this all about is the angel alive is able to make her move just by eye finger is there a point to this entire scene other than an excuse to paint an extra like a sculpture and give her one shot of looking askance at these dudes perhaps you'd like another cigarette i see how louis maintains his fortune in the present day he's clearly a rep for philip morris and is probably making out like gangbusters in this economy actually i'm quite fond of looking at crucifixes how about the old state through the heart thing nonsense how about coffins coffins unfortunately are a necessity okay sure crucifixes and stakes are nonsense but sleeping in a coffin totally fine also we're never told why it's a necessity they can't die then what the [ __ ] does it matter where they sleep why do they even need to sleep at all what the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] i know it was a long time ago but were these [ __ ] really that interested in melodramatic representations of child and or clown abuse back then are we supposed to assume that vampire teeth are laced with some sort of numbing agent or aphrodisiac that takes immediate effect not only do the victims in this movie not feel pain when it's convenient for the plot they even seem to enjoy being punctured also no one at this whatever this is seems to notice or give a [ __ ] about the woman bleeding from parts of her body where these two just so happen to have their mouths i don't care if you are an immortal [ __ ] killer that does not give you an excuse to ogle someone's veins without their explicit consent lestat killed two sometimes three a night and nobody thinks it's odd that two or three people a [ __ ] night are disappearing from every social gathering the stat attends it doesn't seem like they even leave the state so how is this going unnoticed how do you know read her thoughts wait the stat hasn't told louie that he can do this will this be listed on the agenda for like first day of training vamp this love scene is so awkward that i just had a flashback of my first girl boy party back in eighth grade and i did not want to relive that memory of my and mary alice woods braces getting accidentally locked together thank you very much this aristocrats lady boner must be raging right now but how can she not notice the giant smear of lipstick on louie's nose and not burst into the left hey where'd that go whining talent of a vampire who prowls the night killing rats and poodles you could have finished us both but how even if they're caught how the [ __ ] is anyone gonna stop them they're immortal well stack it can fly for crying out loud what are the police gonna do either coffins life without me would be even more unbearable oddly enough this is the same thing tom cruise told paramount in 2021 to convince them to further push back the release dates for mission impossible 7 and top gun maverick paris vampire must be clever for many reasons paris vampiric foreshadowing foreshadow vamping come to new orleans then the paris hopper's in town why doesn't lustat just bounce and go wherever he wants sure he has an affection for louis but he does have plenty of money of his own and if this dick munch wants to stick around here and mope what's keeping the stats ass glued to this place he can always jet over to new orleans and then come back and check on him right pinky rings hear me now this place is curse it's easy to forget now but in the early to mid 90s brad pitt truly had some keanu reeves-esque performances especially in period pieces hey acting is hard sometimes also louis goes on to free the people that are gathered here like that would really do a ton of good if they remain in the sound god damn for a movie that features slaves this sure does gloss over the reality of it i can't be sure but i think this guarantees him seven years of bad accents which probably explains his performance in the devil zone my god what were they drinking this table went up like he just poured gasoline over it where are we do you think we're in a nice filthy cemetery the cemetery is really on the stat he didn't have to take them here at all he clearly has no qualms about killing people so why not break into someone else's house and sleep there i can warm that cold skin of yours better than she can jesus christ according to this movie southeastern louisiana was just overrun with prostitutes back in the late 18th century man you cross the street prostitute run to the men's room prostitute go pick up the milk at the local market gaggle the prostitutes will someone please tell me how this biting works does being bitten only hurt when the victim actively ign you know what take 20 cents think long and hard about your persistent inconsistencies movie don't just leave her hand there to drip on the sofa that's a waste of precious blood his glass wasn't even full my god the things this job has me complaining about take your recipes taste pure things kill them swiftly if you will but do it for do not doubt you are a killer louie i know cruz is ridiculously over the top in this movie and most likely miscast entirely but damn it he 100 commits to the flamboyantly gothic nature of lestat and it's hard not to be hypnotized by some of these explosions he'll hear your sins before you die this is how my mom tells me that my dad will totally watch my content at some point why bother lining the candles and the sconces if you're gonna have these candelabras hanging out right next to them on the mantel i don't care if this is set before the invention of the light bulb this is blatant overcandling please wake my mom is here this woman looks like she's been dead for a while surely claudia's old enough to realize her mom's a little further gone than sleeping louie manages to resist killing all kinds of people but breaks his oath when faced with a little girl wouldn't this be someone he'd be least likely to kill okay she's an orphan but she at least has a chance for a normal life no creatures under god are as we are none so like him holy [ __ ] this is actual blasphemy i love when an actual sin writes itself did he use his thumb prick thing when he turned louie into a vampire instead of this very messy wrist biting bullsh in the big book of dickish decisions made in the history of cinema turning young claudia into a vampire has got to crack the top part stat was determined to give louie the choice he never had but claudia daff that kid walking immortality might hear an endless buffet of enjoyment that you'll be unable to enjoy because you're forever stuck inside the body of a child who knew that becoming one of the undead would give you such a rad [ __ ] perm how about they get a ton of recruits in the middle of the 1980s louie was going to leave us he's going to go away but now he's not it's a diabolical manipulative plan for sure but unfortunately i can guarantee i pulled some sick on my college girlfriend to prevent her from breaking up with me i guess it's not direct sunlight but it's pretty goddamn bright out there so are they feeling any effects when louis opens the coffin further why don't they have blackout curtains all over this [ __ ] just in case they had to get up during the day time mazathon that little digit piano teachers you know for a star-studded movie about [ __ ] vampires romance and murder this movie can be straight up boring as ass there are stretches in here where i have time to doze off get a foot massage mow the lawn and paint a nude portrait of chris but not miss anything we were all americans now have i properly sent this vampiration yet i know it's part of the titular interview but this is a lot of [ __ ] narration and i don't care how sexy brad pitt's voice is it deserves a sentence bathing with not only the curtain but the entire door open when did you eat rats louie it was a long long time ago the better question is when did he start eating humans we saw him bite claudia a while ago but that was almost by accident and we haven't seen him attack anyone since but he's definitely a man of war now did the movie seriously say skip to that total character change 30 years had passed yet her body remained that of an eternal child and in three decades nobody has noticed that she hasn't aged a damn day admittedly most of the people they come into contact with end up as human juice boxes but surely there's somebody out there that is at least questioning why claudia is bart simpsoning her way through life leave a corpse here to rot how did neither lestat nor louie's keen vampire senses notice a dead body in claudia's bedroom i'm no expert but don't they eventually begin to smell damn it the stat was literally sitting on top of her what if you did it i want to make the sin kids but claudia's probably pushing 40 years old at this point even though she looks like a child still though this is a pretty epic temper tantrum so i guess i'll go with something less controversial like i don't know women but it wasn't always so i had a mother once and louie he had a wife he was mortal the same machine and so was i kirsten dunst was 11 years old when she made this movie and she manages to steal the damn thing from both crews and pits simultaneously i understand the cuts healing quickly given how strong this dad is but what about the drops of blood that come from the cuts a lot of those things disappear like dead npcs in a first person shooter video game for 30 years i'd avoided that place what i can't believe is that after 30 years they all still live within walking distance of claudia's childhood home i'm sure louisiana is gorgeous but what's the use of being immortal if you never go out of state if vampires can cry what other human biological functions do they have do they pee runny noses have nocturnal oh i mean i guess diurnal emissions but i can't hate you louis oh yeah because i'm finding it extremely easy to hate this moro's [ __ ] right here considering all he's done is moped around and brewed sexually into the void for the last hour of this movie even though you're the father of lies i want things to be as they were youtube commenters telling me that they only liked our channel when our videos were under six minutes these tasty morsels are dead man how long has lestat been vampiring and how does he not [ __ ] notice this before he digs in even if the drug claudia gave them kept the blood warm when i'm at a buffet i can smell and see the crab legs are well past their prime so why can't he good night sweet prince my flights of devils bring you to your rest taking hamlet's name in vain should we burn him bury him the swamp in the swamp no burn this [ __ ] kill him with fire i haven't got a damn idea what the extent of his powers are so why take the risk what's the harm in cutting him into a thousand pieces just on the off chance he survives this also jungle cruise none of these old farts bat an eyelash at this very permanent proper 11 year old girl perusing the collected works of the dead and the damned i would love to say the stat survives this but we've been told over and over that he's immortal the real issue here is the movie trying to trick us into thinking he couldn't survive this how are we supposed to buy they don't drink the dead blood [ __ ] it ends up being well bullsh my god did the stat douse himself in gunpowder before arriving here what's with the instant immolation it's really starting to seem like louie's go-to for solving conflicts is to start massive house farms i'm pretty sure he needs to attend a conflict resolution class at some point in his long life the ship is sailing without us if the ship is about to set sail we're going to get pretty damn close even without the stats return looks like somebody attended the home alone school for vacationing to europe i would imagine passage to europe in the 19th century would be mighty expensive so is anyone gonna check if they paid for this trip or is the crew just gonna take their word for it because they appear to be in a hurry so there are no vampires in transylvania no no count dracula the vulgar fictions of a demented iris the irishman they're referring to is of course bram stoker the problem is that he didn't publish dracula until 1897. so if louis and claudia did end up in transylvania it would have been to find the strigoi the mythical creatures that vampires are reportedly based on but you enjoy your gratuitous name check movie and i'll sit over here enjoying my superiority on my throne of pedantry also i assume this is anne rice throwing shade at bram stoker and the screenplay but if louie is being anachronistically honest here why is he being such a about the dracula myth it's not like the story was way off relative to this one coffin sunlight feeding on blood eternal life these are all things that are well things in this universe right just because the crosses and the garlic aren't effective doesn't mean you have to spit on the classic novel you fang paris september 1870 the city i had always dreamed of in the name of nosferatus and emic nipples why in the ever-loving has it taken them so long to get the [ __ ] paris research aside this is the one place in the entire world that lestat mentioned the presence of other vampires he even told louis that this was where he was turned why wasn't this the first stop on their evidently unnecessary world tour stephen ray appears in a movie directed by neil jordan cliche seriously this actor has been so ubiquitous that he's got to be a leading man in this director's dreams they'll have different powers they'll read your thoughts if you let them what's this if you let them bullsh how's she supposed to know when they're trying and what use is telepathy if the person having their mind read can choose to block it what are the rules movie also louie is basing this on a sample size of two himself and lestat and fifty percent of that sample can't read mines i don't wanna die oh cool as if this movie worked casually disturbing enough here's a peek at a 19th century snuff film and this movie can now eat my i'm sorry i just can't with this character man you just look so goddamn silly and self serious monsters louie fed a man to an alligator set him on fire and left him to burn but now he's going to judge these guys for playing with their food it's probably fair to assume that running this theater is at least in part to make money but why would our mom be worried about money we haven't once seen louis and lestat give a [ __ ] about finances i just assumed they stole what they needed from their victims also is no one in paris at all suspicious about this theater troupe that doesn't age and whose every performance suspiciously ends exactly the same way with a death by jugular puncture two vampires from the new world i think it's interesting that soma hayek was cast and from dusk till dawn a bonkers vampire movie written by quentin tarantino and starring george clooney but her desperado co-star antonio banderas was cast in a much less bonkers but sillier movie that starred brad pitt then clooney and pitt teamed up for the oceans movies and pit won an oscar for collaborating with tarantino then antonio banderas and salma hayek co-starred again in the hitman's bodyguards white so i guess the sin is that there's only like 10 actors in hollywood and they've been making movies and some permutation with each other for the last 30 years but are we nothing if not vampires t thanks that makes everything so much clearer sure you know the one who made you yes but the one who made him well he plays the pronoun game so that armand can dramatically reveal the stats name later in a reveal that was shocking to no one except poor louie i have never seen a vision nor learned a secret that would damn or save my soul not even in the script for ballistic x versus sever after 400 years i am the oldest living vampire in the world this dude is such a cocky 400 years i bet there's a vampire in indonesia that's been doing population control for a millennium that would wipe their ass with your 400 years hell louie is already pushing a quarter of that we barely got to know him remember you are moral is a cool message in the context of our man louis here unfortunately it makes little to no sense in the context of the rest of this scripture which relates to the death of a man and how one should value their time on earth it really should have ended with mortality which means mortal this is the latin scripture equivalent of a movie's article's text having nothing to do with the movie's article's title and it's foolish of the movie to think using a dead language will protect it from a synonym it's the crime that means death to any vampire kill your own kind wait isn't that a little counterintuitive i mean what kind of society would kill an individual for killing another individual that's absurd when you look at it like that isn't it the world changes we do not therein lies the irony that finally kills us despite being 400 years old armond truly has the same grasp of the definition of irony as a college freshman this dad must have wept when he made you what's that you knew the stat duh why is this surprising lestat told louis who was created in paris and since louis has now seen firsthand how rare vampires are isn't it fairly likely that one of these guys might be the vampire in question it's at least worth asking around like god does becoming a vampire make you dense or is he just being deliberately obtuse so we get this predictable reveal i had found the teacher which lestat could never i knew now have been louie is so horny for a mentor i bet he's ejaculating like willem dafoe and anti-christ right now he's walking away from the theater i knew knowledge would never be withheld by armand it would pass through him as through a pane of glass i don't know about you but i actually prefer the dissemination of my information to avoid defenestration you give her to me louie do this before you leave me strong argument but also shouldn't they do an evaluation a home study or at least a meet and greet with this lady she's apparently going to be claudia's companion forever but do either of these [ __ ] even know her last name what do you think she is a child how did claudia stumble across madeline in the first place it's not like she could have just put an ad in the local paper saying immortal vampire in the body of an 11 year old seeks grieving mother for a turtle company no vegetarians non-smokers preferred it's time for just this little one first off how did our mom's army pick just now for their attack i know they're all theater kids but this type of dramatic timing is a bridge too far even for them also look at this dracula cosplaying [ __ ] right here frilly sleeves widow's peak hair funny facial expressions i thought that whole dracula thing was supposed to be a vulgar myth and dreams these vampy ass are way too happy about carrying out this punishment man and here i thought morris day and the time were way too mean to prince in purple rain after his dad was critically injured if this whole vampiring thing doesn't work out these folks sure do have a future in masonry i mean look at the precision they're using on the mortar work here okay i know claudia's not the most physically strong vampire due to her stature but she's also about a half century old and does have super powers could she not at least try to escape look there are sizable footholds strategically placed all up the walls of this hole and they look easy enough to reach for an average contestant on american ninja warrior if sunlight is so deadly to vampires why doesn't moonlight have the same effect it is literally just reflecting sunlight perhaps it's being diffused by the cheese hmm the sunlight doesn't appear to be burning their clothes i mean why would it so why didn't they use their ample dresses to create some sort of shade or covering i'm certain santiago and crew would have found another way to kill them but hell why make this easy maybe he wants to quench those tears forever that i took such revenge on him wait hold up don't tell me seriously he's gonna light them on fire isn't he oh yeah that's his move baby play the hits you know louie really should think about being more stealthy the noise of this barrel crashing to the ground is enough to wake the dead i'll see myself out for some baffling reason this chap waits until after he is fully engulfed in flames before bursting from his coffin yes it's a very cool visual but that's not really something he should be concerned about deus ex horse account what if all i have is my suffering my regret damn my dude cool world wasn't that bad and you totally redeemed your career by the time true romance came out i can't help but think if this movie came out today it may have had the balls to allow louie and armand actually kiss instead of blue balling us like it does this film for coming out in the 90s as louis walks around this property for what feels like an hour and a half of movie time i'm left to wonder he's been all over the ancient world and then came back to america where he probably b-bopped around a few cities before settling back in new orleans and he's never seen another single vampire like i'm sure they're not everywhere but holy [ __ ] it's been over a goddamn century since claudia died so how is he not run into one of these holes even by accident well you should stop by sunnydale at some point they're loaded over there you remember how i was the vampire that i was louis might but i sure as hell don't seems like movie forgot to tom cruise for like half its run time no one could refuse me not even you louie i tried bull louie spends the whole damn movie refusing lestat from killing humans to creating new vampires they never agreed on a damn thing this will go on to be the most distracting snot bubble in cinematic history until heather donahue obliterates it while talking to the camera in the blair witch project canon like that but it does oh holy do i wish it did but unfortunately we've still got some [ __ ] with a suddenly stat and a terrible cover of a rolling stone song to sit through when did the stat marty mcfly his way into the back of molloy's car malone throws his stuff into the backseat before he leaves so surely he would have seen him there and further why did the stat wait in the back of this one car for a single victim that's across the country from where the stat was last seen and further why did he wait to attack daniel until they got on the golden gate bridge suck suck suck

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 558,542

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, interview with a vampire, interview with a vampire reaction, interview with a vampire parody, interview with the vampire, tom cruise, anne rice, brad pitt, vampire, vampires, interview with the vampire parody, interview with the vampire reaction

Id: C51RWfBfvhM

Length: 22min 44sec (1364 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 07 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Minifig81]

Brav-fucking-vo for taking a sin off for Stan fucking Winston.

[u/thk_]

Their 1000th video!

[u/jjvolfan2]

4:18 Being fond of 'looking at crucifixes' is the creepiest thing in this movie.

[u/Coug-Ra]

“That’s not how you’re supposed to eat Thandiwe Newton.” ding

[u/jjvolfan2]

2:38 That pimp is not SuperFly.

[u/jjvolfan2]

7:49 When did Lestat have time to channel Lt. Kaffee from A Few Good Men?

[u/BaronGreenback75]

My friend at school worked on the set because his father was one of the producers. Went go karting with Tom & was clearly told to let him win.