Everything Wrong With Mulan (2020) In 19 Minutes Or Less

hey have you been feeling stressed out lately feeling down anxious angry well there just happens to be a counseling service that could be right for you there help is an online therapeutic resource that offers licensed professional counselors that you can access from the comfort of your own home just go to betterhelp.com cinemasins answer a few questions about how you're feeling and they'll match you to the counselor who's right for you everything works through your own online personal counseling room and is tailored to your convenience if you've been struggling or just use some professional advice head on over to betterhelp.com cinemasins [Music] today there have been many tales of the great warrior mulan totally there have been two animated disney movies and a 2009 non-disney chinese film called mulan rise of a warrior so you can easily see the need for a remake also mulan narration here she is wait is this guy telling the story to his ancestors with the assistance of the film do i believe that this farming community had access to a spectral pigment and spent their precious hours coloring fabric to showcase the perfect tone of tangerine and salmon pink you know in order to best represent their individuality no tell me your sister is not the cause of this hell no mom that commotion outside is clearly day dave no this is how you turn a famous chinese legend into a [ __ ] cartoon this is supposed to be badass but with all the effects and editing it's just a cheap parody look you guys allegedly saw the whole thing unedited probably looked pretty badass to you i don't pretend to know how people back in this era would have reacted to a girl doing all this stuff we've been told they wouldn't look favorably upon it but i'm sending them for being [ __ ] as is my right don't panic there's a spider crawling in your hair it is siblings i'm trying to protect moulin that i say this weird it's like someone unmuted the conversation you were apparently having before the movie decided you were audible i ask you what men will want to marry a girl who slits around rooftops chasing chickens all of them do you know why the phoenix sits at the entrance of our shrine better question how is that little stick holding up the wing of this busted statue i broke her some say the phoenix is consumed by flame it emerges again i think she can survive a broken wing yeah but that's d phoenix this is a decorative phoenix and burning is distinctly different from broken wings and the solution to this problem hasn't been solved by mr mister yet hold up not only do i have a bit of who the [ __ ] is this but i've also got a dash of what the [ __ ] is that we have a hawk skull with two extra beaky talon things making this look like a predator situation flanked by pelvis bits and two spines this is some evildoer crafts going wrong right here my god that kids is how you get herpes yeah sure this is total bull but what i'm really wondering is how the narrator of the story knew this happened oh so it's one of those kind of movies it's like crouching tiger hidden dragon but it somehow seems way more unrealistic so all these bad guys get to the wall at the same time and scale it so who are the archers aiming at if everyone is ascending the walls useless archers you can't shoot the desert their leader calls himself oricon fitting that one of the chief antagonists of this movie has a name that's 67 percent of the word boring it is forbidden to use the power of chi in destructive way i mean isn't that subjective a witch is using the qi to be destructive to an oppressive system killing along the way mulan will go on to use herchy to support the system closer to the rules also killing along the way where can we read the tos for t once again a shape-shifter in a movie has to transform back for absolutely no reason other than to tell you that they can't seems like this seem to be an acknowledgement from the filmmakers that you're probably not paying attention anyway what if someone saw this why can't she wait until she's out of the town to do it you won't get what you want without me which makes no sense at all when you consider that she could warg into the emperor's body and make a decree for supporting chi wielding women warriors she literally does not need him just like this story didn't need her ah to be free on your horse racing bunnies in an open meadow completely unbound by marriage what could possibly ruin this day well i guess this is a sin for over lanterning is something wrong so putting the teapot there some horrible breach of etiquette and the movie will spend way too long on mulan not telling the matchmaker about the spider underneath it to build up some fake tension for we don't care about anyway but i think the teapot should remain where it is please forgive my insubordination telling you about the spider is way worse than oops i've said too much fake spider fakes don't work fake laughs excitement to the family jesus if people act like this about things that aren't your fault i'd rather be exiled at least i'd get to use my chi it's terrible when you have to make the walk of shame and you didn't even get last night when he's mad he sure doesn't need a cane walking pretty great there buddy man don't you hate it when you wake up in the middle of the night you can't sleep and you walk in on your dad playing with a sword phoenix oh shut up where's my show i was promised a disney remake and that means everything is only slightly different than before next you're gonna tell me we skipped the part where she slices her hair off with a sword damn it by the way after mulan's dad went through all the drama yesterday with his bad leg and his lie about being blessed with two daughters wouldn't the army realize this isn't him they knew all the families with fighting men so why wouldn't they know that this isn't the guy with the bad leg if they don't notice this this family could have just not sent anybody our last apple the director said let's have your character give her horse a rotten apple and pretend it's a good thing by saying it's the last one that'll make her look like even more of an [ __ ] phoenix the phoenix machida also this moment would be far more interesting if the phoenix were leading her out of a labyrinth landscape you know rather than a canyon with only one way out a pretty clear windy road to follow just beyond i'm creakid my mother says i was born under an auspicious move draft nerds insults me again you'll taste the tip off my blade oh yeah getting drafted for war just got a whole lot sexier i told you to line up for showers showers showers you lot stink sounds like nobody got that message since even mulan is surprised about the shower edict and i need a volunteer for night guard duty me so wait does that mean she doesn't have to shower why wouldn't the volunteer for night guard do you have to shower then become a night guard why is this mutually exclusive this movie is just one of the guys except they substituted getting a newspaper job with war or shakespeare and love except they substituted battle for acting or she's the man where they substituted soccer for a real sport got a question while this tomfoolery is going on why doesn't boricon just go ahead and attack the imperial city he knows that they're drafting soldiers for this war so well just go ahead and do it now while everybody is learning what a sword is only the strongest will reach the summit it will take everything you have survivor mulan edition my ideal woman is courageous a courageous woman oh my god this guy's incredulous laughing face for sake i could have gone 100 lifetimes without seeing it you should really consider skipping guard duty and taking a shower holy she's taking guard duty every night you'd think a military organization would make other people do it just to get some experience but hell no not in this outfit but what about the smell you mean her commander can't tell over the last month or so that she smells terrible why hasn't he forced her to take that shower yet also that's another thing how long has this training going on we've seen that they've gotten better through the power of the montage but it's been long enough now that mulan is stinking up that joint worse than pigpen when he helped charlie brown move in with peppermint patty here's a confusing moment when mulan and whatever his name is get into a competitive bit of pointy thingy practice i'm all for a little action to move the plot along but i get the impression that offscript sparring is frowned upon which firmly places this scene into the just do something more interesting than nothing category which is super sinful wait is combat practice the kind of thing that the other soldiers can just form a circle around and watch like it's a really incredible tango or something have you even showered once yet i mean seriously how are they just now noticing this this movie is giving us a shot with rack focus so that we can't focus on mulan's rack i get the impression that this dude is the kind of person to not obey the one urinal between us rule space man space i can't believe all this time you've been keeping your skill a secret what else have you been hiding well i can trap a spider with a teapot but i've never gotten the chance to show it soon the imperial city will be up why is this taking so long again do we even know what boricon is waiting for it's like this plan was made hoping the imperial city would be able to draft and train an army before he was ready how much gold can a nomad carry if gold is not enough i will give you blood okay but blood is also really hard to carry around as a nomad so it seems she's been hiding something this movie spends a lot of time on scenes where one person will ask or tell mulan something and then a few minutes later we have a different person asking or telling mulan the same thing they already did this with the showering earlier just so i understand the rules here water can spill out of the buckets if you're carrying them but if you pour them out deliberately your family is disgraced so the wise thing here would be to casually swing the buckets to lighten the load am i honoring right this reaching the summit scene is supposed to be the moment of triumph proof that she's the strongest that she's a leader they've cut these mountain climbing scenes during montages and one time they focused more on the guy who was cheating this summit thing has not been presented as anything really important but here we are at the top of the mountain pretending like it's been a major obstacle and a defining moment for our protagonist and it feels unearned also now that she's up there what does she see what's the reward for that climb instead we see how it affects these doofuses and when it finally cuts back to her the camera circles her face never once showing the majesty she's observing this one shot is it and before you can even soak it in the movie is like what about the dudes you know when i saw this kind of thing in upgrade it really went along well with the action here i'm trying to figure out what the point of it is i'm more willing to accept that the camera accidentally swiveled this way and they kept it in the final cut these kinds of action scenes are way more fun when you can watch them in slow motion the amount of cuts in this scene is mesmerizing you keep asking why did they cut four different times on this one moment and you'll never get an answer it has to do with the three virtues there's no shame in being fearful before battle protagonist is about to be honest with someone because the lie is killing them but the other person interrupts them thinking they know what the problem is so they say a bunch of that makes telling the truth a lot harder and we can feel good that the protagonist tried to tell the truth but was given no choice but to continue lying cliche perhaps one day you could accompany me to my village where i will introduce you to my daughter is is this a tease to mulan too we'll protect each other we'll fight for each other and then the movie immediately separates them into different parts of the battlefield huzzah drumline contains frightfully few nick cannons jesus how many meaningful glances do these two need to have this is the third one in the last five minutes huh too bad this guy wasn't sitting around the campfire when mulan made the promise that nobody sitting around the campfire would die in battle that's what you get for not sitting around the campfire not sitting around the campfire guy today i learned that evil seahawk ladies can smell estrogen from a mile away then you will die pretending to be something you're not speaking of being something you aren't this crown has 68 less vertebrae since we last saw it where are my hawk spines but mulan mulan lived ironically though it was the armor hiding her boobs that saved her so if she had been her true self she would have died anywho being true to yourself is great but wearing the armor that you've been training in for presumably months now isn't untrue it's just smart also mulan rode pretty far from the battlefield before encountering lady hawk then got knocked out and is now riding back to the battlefield on a horse that abandoned her a while ago my point is she's been gone too damn long and everyone should be dead and so that disney pendulum swings from mindless happy singing princess to straight up battle slaughter you can tell not only by the visuals but because of the conversations parents are having with their kids after they say when i grow up i want to kill people with a sword just like mulan look she's for sure kicking only ass here but i'm still stupefied by that armor decision she made man earlier these nomads were all worried about carrying around gold but they haul this mammoth tribute around without any issues also at this point mulan sees her friends out here in the battlefield getting pummeled so she hops on a horse to swing their attention to the mountain and bring down a landslide except this means she would have to travel unnoticed behind this enemy line and set up all these helmets without anyone noticing this might be the biggest sin of this movie well now there's still no [ __ ] mushi these [ __ ] have been deadly accurate with this catapult this whole time but now that mulan accurately predicts that they'll miss and start an avalanche that's exactly what they do now i'm sure that mulan took out their best catapult guys and that's why the scrubs are missing her now but that's why you need to invest in better catapult operator depth well ain't that just some [ __ ] wait did someone press pause on the avalanche that was right on their heels i guess moulin's chi is so strong she can detect her love interest in all this avalanche mess i mean somehow finding this dude in the snow while riding on a horse grabbing him and mustering the strength to one arm him on your horse is some [ __ ] that even a fast and furious movie wouldn't try i mean yeah they would but eat me the enemy has been defeated the sentient snow has correctly identified all of our enemies and is currently crushing them to death or suffocating them slowly we do not ask questions as to how only our men were spared we simply must get to the part where mulan reveals her boobs i mean reveals she has boobs from this moment forward you are expelled from the emperor's imperial army who the [ __ ] else's imperial army would it be also oh man does this mean i don't get to see mulan anymore is the movie over am i about to watch 40 minutes of hilarious outtakes if you show your face again your wish to be executed will be granted it will not i'm not a girl not yet a woman your disgrace is worse than that why did the witch lady show up as a flock of birds when being just one hawk has met all her travel needs thus far we are the same we're not we are powerful also i see what you're doing disney slowly removing her wicked head pieces pokey bit by pokey bit making her more human and likeable very clever manipulation but i will not fall for it till i can warg we will never be alike god damn it join me we would take our place together she's not about to tell mulan she's her mother right the garrison attacks were just a distraction khan has our army focused on the silk road so he can sneak into the imperial city and kill the emperor he most certainly could have carried out this plan without all these distractions but we can't have a two-hour movie that way you wouldn't believe hajoon why do you not believe hamulan it could be because of all the lying i believe hua mulan i believe i believe yeah yeah i know spartacus and whatnot you will lead us as we ride to the imperial city whoa whoa whoa believing her is one thing but you're just going to let her lead the ride into imperial city how do you convince everyone else she's not a witch and can be trusted is anyone else seeing the phoenix is this just a normal everyday look i'm sure these guys are stealth i just don't believe this number of people can run along rooftops and nobody sees that he offers a deal look if wichiwich was just going to take somebody's form and tell the emperor that boricon is challenging him to a duel then why didn't they already do that if attacking the garrisons was just a distraction to get the imperial army looking the other way what point did it serve if all they had to do was sneak into the city and then tell the emperor about boricon's challenge but who will protect the city you question the judgment of his majesty the emperor well no but can i at least have an answer to the question i asked seems like it might be important okay i'm an idiot and even i know that's not how you shoot a bow and arrow here's the thing this guy could easily be racing to save the emperor rather than mulan i know that we want to see her kick ass and she's a legend and all but in this society in this time this guy would definitely be thinking that he could do just as good if not better than mulan jesus christ these guys just walk into an unsecured location assuming bore khan doesn't have any surprises in store this is the strangest maple celebration i've ever seen also here's yet another scene with an orgy of edits so confusing that eyes wide shut told me i needed a second password to make sense of it all and of course that was a trick there was no second password and sydney pollock told me i was lucky to be alive these [ __ ] jump onto the walls and run on them for basically no reason whatsoever they're back on the ground in three seconds so what the [ __ ] was that mulan's hair is looking ready for a [ __ ] shampoo commercial and it should look like after that insane horse race across the countryside you told me my journey was impossible yet here i stand proof that there is a place for people like us sure let's just ignore the extreme luck involved with your acceptance if you don't have intel from the witch herself about what boricon was up to and your buddy who persuaded the general to keep you around witchy mcwhicherson would have been right i mean is this a long enough shot to give this badass cloak the screen time it deserves do you think the costume department slaved over this garment for just two seconds on only the upper portion of the screen jesus where's the emperor just when i was getting used to you changing into a flock of birds every time you go back to the hawk make up your damn mind already reality the bad news is that you can't catch a hawk on a rooftop the good news is hawkwich flew around the city long enough to allow mulan to see where she was going which we will later find out she did on purpose why not just tell mulan where to go a woman leads the army holy sh how did mulan get here so fast the witch lady just got here and she flew there as a hawk super great that this woman took an arrow for mulan and all but did she have to she could have turned into a bird swarm and disrupted the arrow pattern or kicked it away in fantastical martial arts fashion but instead we have a skewered bird because reasons also if she was so easily picked off by shooting an arrow from the roof why not stay up there and try again if you can hit a flying hawk from here why not try and hit mulan when she's motionless sad and doing nothing oh [ __ ] they're gonna wicker man this guy hey guys don't worry this has to be when mushu shows up and snags the sword out of the [ __ ] hell i give up there is no mushu i'm sad movie steals the best image from the worst season of game of thrones man the chinese version of american gladiator is goddamn intense let's see i've got the sword massive amounts of chi holy [ __ ] do i have a lot of chi i'll just let gravity decide this it'll seem smart and we get to keep our pg-13 rating but also he survives this and lands next to a convenient bow and arrow holy [ __ ] is this fight still going on and were these [ __ ] just watching movie pretends that this guy might be dead even though we all saw him at the campfire where moulin guaranteed no one would die and that camaraderie seemed really important at the time but since mulan was never with these guys and we never really got to see any of these dudes in action that whole team effort was some weak sauce anyway you can't leave god damn it are we getting an adaptation of baby it's cold outside because i pass remember the first time mulan rode her horse off to adventure and ran out of food along the way yeah we don't care about those little details now because everyone is happy oh my god mulan we're so happy you're back you've been gone for three hours the entire kingdom is in her debt i'm sorry i just don't give a [ __ ] about this matchmaker to care if she's displeased with mulan's newfound respect mulan never wanted to be married to someone she didn't care about the matchmaker shunning her is the best thing that could have happened and i don't think anyone's watching this movie thinking man i hope that matchmaker learns the error of her ways and boulange shows her gut devotion to family pretty neat that this sword was engraved and ready to be gifted in enough time to deliver it to the imperial guard so that they could race to milan's house arriving mere moments after she did and the leader became a legend and this totally wasn't a one-time thing for women right mulan was able to influence culture and men everywhere began to accept women as powerful equals capable of more than child bearing and such oh really well you can sing back up for me right now just back right on it thank you very much mr puffer man this was a wild year wasn't it even in the best of times many people experience unhappiness stress anxiety family conflicts and many more issues that affect their mental health if there's something that is preventing you from achieving your goals due to some of these problems as an online counseling service that we highly recommend betterhelp.com better help is convenient user friendly and a great way to get counseling from the comfort of your own home right from the jump they'll assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional counselor everything is there in your own personalized counseling room the ability to schedule your appointments message your counselor exchange useful information between appointments and to send hilarious cat based memes if you so desire so if you're looking for some professional counseling that could help you on your journey to health and happiness go to betterhelp.com cinemasins for a unique offer today we love it and we use it yes mulan it is decided it is decided slider you stink i know your father correction i know your father today you become men let's face it you got to be a man to wear tights the urics are destroyed we slaughtered them during the night but there were two helmets do you see two hobbits with them release the secret weapon and i come back to you now at the turn of the tide hold the door hold the door [Music] and there you can see it resting and slowly sinking into the molten rock

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,167,536

Rating: 4.8939629 out of 5

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, mulan, mulan 2020, everything wrong with mulan, cinemasins mulan, cinemasins mulan 2020, everything wrong with cinemasins, cinemasins sins, mistakes, cinemasinssins, eww mulan 2020, mulan 2020 review, mulan trailer, mulan movie, 2020, mulan 2020 analysis, mulan live action, mulan review, cinemasins mulan review

Id: 4No-6Jhcfw0

Length: 20min 37sec (1237 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 05 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

I think filming this garbage movie on the site of interment camps should have awarded this movie all of the sins.

Also, that was excellent sponsorship. I'm glad to see you care so much about mental health. :)

[u/Castriff]

This girl really just went a full month without washing herself. My word. I heard about the first scene where she skipped the showers, but to keep doing that for four weeks straight, in the midst of an army workout regimen? Wild. I mean, that's how people get infections! Her scalp must be covered with mold!

[u/SigmaKnight]

You sinned there being multiple Mulan films, but not that Mulan is in Mulan? Granted, I understand the existential crisis that would probably break the counter (again) for sinning Ming-Na Wen. (Another sin for wasting her.)

Also, also... would have used Terminator for the sword falling into the molten whatever. Cliché, sure, but still.

[u/tundrat]

Thought Ming-Na Wen's cameo would be noted for something.
This movie looks so boring and a waste of time compared to the animation.