Everything Wrong With Moana In 15 Minutes Or Less

Disney logo alone now takes up 33 seconds of screen time followed by a retro Disney logo that itself takes 16 seconds even the beginning narration there was only oh [ __ ] pretty sure at no time in Earth's history was it only ocean science is giving this movie the finger and I'm right there with it some began to seek defeat these odds voyage across the vast ocean to take it how was he able to find it was Maui just flying around until he happened upon it and even if he did just happen upon it did he assume since this island vaguely looks like a woman on her side in the fetal position that he was in the right place and that assumption was correct not only does Maui have shape-shifting abilities he has the ability to transport whatever object he's holding to the appropriate appendage of whatever animal he shifts to he didn't have this power he would have to store the heart between his toes before transitioning to a hawk so it would be in his hock talents Maui tried to escape but was confronted by another who sought the heart what can I say its exposition until every one of us is devoured by the bloodthirsty jaws of death and that's how grandma got fired as the daycare teacher well as we stay on our very safe Island won't be fine Moana recycles the overprotective dad character arc from Finding Nemo and thinks I won't notice what soon ooh he is paradise who would want to go anywhere else while the king of this island debates isolationism with his mother his diaper wearing toddler was about to drown look sea turtles are given one shot they either make it to the water or they don't I'm not sure that overly assisting this one baby is actually helping anyone since he is weak and will likely be killed at sea early on if I were making this movie this is where a [ __ ] Barracuda would show up and eat that idiot turtle baby you couldn't even reach the sea without help from a human toddler thankfully for the turtle I did not rate this movie here is where the movie takes a very Moses like turn although in this case instead of God being behind the phenomenon it's ocean god I think maybe it's honestly not clear who's doing this or why actually as the ocean gives her a new hairstyle I'm left to wonder how wrong everything I'm seeing would be if it were another Hugh doing it instead of the ocean hey you I move on Oh what are you doing you scared me she scared you you're the one who let her wander out into the ocean and stay there long enough to drown you big [ __ ] walk away man Disney sure does love to age up characters through song don't think here's the bad influence grandma and just like any movie before it you can bet that she's more right than anyone in this film who is not a bad influence grandma you are the future of our people Moana as much convention as this movie box it's still another Disney movie about a princess who doesn't want what her destiny holds god damn how many years is grandma Tala been dancing on this beach she was out there for the entire growing up montage baby the rock Chippendale dancer kid here is super inappropriate and suggests this Islands males begin thinking about sex and procreation at age eight have you ever tried to crack a coconut I don't care how rotten those things are they are hardest there's no way this woman could just pull this thing apart how traps in the East Lagoon they're bullying up listen this fish I'm sure we could we fished beyond the reef no one goes beyond the reef despite all science that this land is dying mallanna's father continues to refuse the ocean as an option probably because of that whoever that died that one time during that flashback we've yet to see but still it's stupid he took a canoe Maura is here's the flashback I was talking about we were in someone close to the chief died and he got deathly afraid of ever losing anyone again remind me again how this is different from Finding Nemo his best friend begged to be on that boat your dad couldn't save him and therefore all the ocean is evil makes sense also this seems to be a pretty small village if she knows everyone on the island surely she knows the drowned man's grieving family and should also have heard this story many times before and right here I'm going to praise the film for a powerful song while also shaming the film for having a current pop singer cover this awesome song in the credits I'd be giving us in back here were it not for the doubly sinful pop cover in the credits so sadly I'm left to sit in this moment it's normal because the movie is an idiot most convenient guys are timing ever this movie false starts the heroine see adventure we all know is going to happen anyway but we get several near misses before she finally gets there Jesus it's my wedding night all over again you had a loose pig on a bamboo raft headed toward waves what did you think was gonna happen lady because of the stupid pig Mohan is gonna get trapped underwater by the screenplay which desperately wants to give the father's never leave the island arguments some kind of reasoning or weight or I could have just gone with inconvenient Coral is convenient I don't even know why I pool got on the boat to begin with pigs hate water that's when I die I'm going to come back as one of these literally you've been told all out people's stories but what the one about us being boat people that either your father entirely forgot about or refused to tell you all because he had a buddy died in the ocean one time what's in there the answer to the question you keep asking yourself also boats look if you want to erase your people's voting history and become island dwellers afraid of the water how hard is it to just dispose of the old boats bamboo and fabric just light a fire boom no more evidence for precocious daughters to find case closed these boats have been in here for a thousand years and even though they've been behind a waterfall this whole time they're in perfect condition bang the truth grandma did say bang the drum but despite the two sticks on top this looks nothing like a drum grandma should have been more specific said bang the upside down all wood horsey saddle lookin Fang also at the risk of sounding cynical an anti ghost music how the [ __ ] does playing these old ass moisture log drums wake up the fire ghosts and give her literal visions of her ancestors [Music] [Applause] so basically this cave was an ancestral YouTube video waiting for someone to enter the cave banging the drums and then all would be revealed do I have that right because that is way more ridiculous than I remember it being when I saw this movie in the theater this movie does flirt with the mystical given the glow a manta ray grandma on that whole island as a person ending but still this cave seems like the easy cave of plot driving information hi the ocean chose you well if the ocean is the smart and omnipotent how did it ever get consumed and defeated by defeated ending and why does it need granny's help also why doesn't the ocean just grab Moana and send her straight to Maui without a boat burn those boats a long time ago I mean what you're the sea hating-ass [ __ ] on the island and you knew about the cave ancestor boats and you let them be were you waiting for someone to find them why didn't you burn them a long time ago it's your father thankfully the chief is stopped from burning the canoes by his mother's heart attack wait one person who should be dead already finds the strength to expose it all over the hero with a word bath of instructions cliche carries no way you could go that I wanna be with you hey am I the only one that remembers a few minutes ago when this diagram I could barely speak now she's an expositional fountain the mom who barely qualifies for her character in this movie decides to help send her off even though I have no reason to believe that she has any clue why Milano is leaving Oh does she know how to sail this thing movie doubles down on non-existent Fisher constellation alan tudyk voicing an idiot chicken is the best thing about this movie and would also be the best thing about literally any movie once and on Nextup mouth if your only indication of where to go or the star is shaped like a hook in the sky then how she's supposed to navigate during the day keep in mind mallanna has never sailed a boat in her life maybe don't go sailing until you actually have sailing skills just a thought the storm went from on the horizon to on top of her in about three seconds Looby tries to make you think the character the film is named after just died but movie is pretty delusional on that point if you ask me dear movie showing us the chicken first kills all the suspense that mallanna might not have lived through the mallanna is untouchable got it thanks for the chicken jokes thankfully the ocean storm deposited her at exactly the place she was hoping to find what are the odds never mind don't tell me the odds I don't want to know we the ocean confirms Moana suspicions that this is Maui's Island in part because all those maui fish hook doodles weren't enough and in part because Moana is really [ __ ] stupid I'm here of course of course yes now he always has time for his fans Maui has apparently been marooned here for like a thousand years and she still thinks the first person he sees and all that time is a fan seeking an autograph either battery's had tons of visitors here seeking autographs and just never stole their boats to leave the island we can't play this song but the rock is a way better movie musical singer than Russell Crowe but that doesn't mean he's good he's at least on pitch he's passable that's cinebulle the rock sings about killing and burying its guts and somehow a coconut tree grew from it this movie is really playing fast and loose with evolution why is Bolin enjoying this she was legit angry a second ago but a song turns her around and this song is she even listening to the lyrics this is the cockiest song ever huh Maui's conscience is his tattoo why would you even try this and now I'm going to love you in my belly sorry movie in mah belly is a registered trademark owned by Mike Myers for you the character fat bastard you want to get seed let's batten you up drumstick [Music] but also Maui has already mentioned eating this chicken soon a couple times so exactly how fast does he think a chicken can fatten up basically the ocean in this movie is an ex machina fate God love and irony all rolled into one giant cop-out this is my canoe and you journey this movie steals the gruff adult male has to put up with a child companion he wants nothing to do with thing from well a bunch of movies but for now let's go with Bad Santa are you afraid of her why is Maui scared of the heart now I want to show to to him a few minutes ago and he didn't seem even remotely scared of it okay look I really enjoyed this movie I did but this odd monkey coconut pirate side quest is [ __ ] crazy as balls and not a good way I know we're dealing with gods and demigods but I reject the notion that it means we also have to deal with monkey like coconut pirates I reject that firmly also do those coconut monkeys [ __ ] smell the heart of defeat II is that how that works mallanna is suddenly eggsy from the Kingsmen movie now he pilots this boat out of danger like it has a motor or - point is it's a sail based boat that couldn't possibly go from zero to 30 knots like this movie suggests seriously I can't assign if alan tudyk was overpaid for this voice role or underpaid he does so little but it's also awesome that's three since removed so far and they're all tudyk due date oh look the omnipotent ocean nubbin is back great anyone has my hook it's that beady-eyed bottom-feeder and we don't have time to be wrong about that this movie has to be over in like 45 minutes okay first I'm not a princess I'm the daughter of the chief so contradicting yourself away finder it will never be wait this ocean doesn't thing is really driving the plot look I can get down with an all-knowing ocean helping the want to succeed not really but for the sake of this sin let's just pretend it's true but I cannot get down with the same all-knowing ocean understanding the concept of high five why does mallanna even understand what a high five is you're measuring the stars not giving the sky a high five still confused as hell why you even know what a high five is next thing you'll be fist bumping an elbow pounding like Bart Maguire in the current swarm you're going the right way it's cold wait it's getting warmer look that was just a pee in the ocean joke thanks wreck first somehow rubbing off on Maui white people didn't send me the ocean did the ocean make sense you literally watch the ocean put her in the boat a few times dick the ocean straight up kooky dooms now he would be excellent at cinema since Yoshi chose you for our freezer if you start singing I'm gonna throw up so the guy who sang a song within the first two minutes he was on screen you know the realm of Monsters is a lot less scary when you realize it's also the realm of ex machina because maui basically ignores her down here yet she frequently doesn't die buried within this batch insane shiny grab song is the character detail that Maui's mother tossed him in the water holy that's dark Jesus I got something shiny for you hot off 250 wait earlier the monkey coconut pirates knew she had the heart of defeat he simply because she took it out of its case they smell their sense that it's magical but here the evil black light loving crab thinks she's holding up the heart by sight because it's not actually the heart so my point is basically this is this heart mystically identifiable or not hey hey did you like the song not particularly would have been better if it were Bret McKenzie now I sing something about being dead soon which is hilarious but I'd like to point out that this [ __ ] went from the cockiest demigod ever to a humorous fatalist in about 20 minutes time man's discovery of nunya what's nunya I'm your business 2017 movie proudly displays 1950s era joke why does she even [ __ ] need Maui the ocean is clearly doing all the heavy lifting here they threw me into the sea like I was nothing yes the movie is repeating this super horrible backstory but it's also super horrible kind of too heavy for this light of a movie so once in for a movie that just had a gilded singing crab showpiece trying five minutes later to hit me in the gut with literal child tossing somehow I was found by the gods somehow they gave me the hook why because you were an ocean orphan that was super vain did have any reason for rewarding you this hook other than your being abandoned movie decides to spend time with Maui's tattoos basically does save money on the animation budget for a while since nothing these tattoos show us seems to matter after one 5-minute confidence boosting conversation Maui is able to properly use this hook again even the ocean is tired of keeping track of this stupid chiken - hands in the water both gauging for warm pee if the movie has taught me anything I mean sure he's bonded with Milan on a tiny bit lately but still I did Maui agree to risk his life on this quest again this looks dangerous as I assumed take ah built this barrier around the island so why would she leave one small passageway open did Galen or so helped design it somehow Milan's mistake of misjudging distance cost Maui his hooks power somehow and yet I'm confident that it won't matter and the good guys will still win because Disney now he only flies away here so we can Han Solo back into the climax later sorry but it's the truth too many minutes of the movie acting like Moana is actually gonna quit what is that a giant ghost looking electric-blue manta ray why my grandma said she'd returned as a manta ray is it possible that I don't dare hope that I mean you know a long ways past the reef ghost grandma pulls a dream Clooney from gravity and I am not pleased those tucking she stands apart from the crowd ghosts singing in preparation for this stunt Tom Cruise actually swam down this distance to retrieve a mock heart of defeat II but was shocked to learn he'd been recast as a teenage female and lost the part to an authentic Island actress now he apparently not only taught wayfaring he taught her to do it while under fire from a literal lava monster which is to say he taught her too damn good for the time allotted there's no reason to be nervous about mana dropping in the heart in the ocean because the ocean will just give it back so stop trying to make that a tense thing movie you came back now he pulls the Han Solo move that everyone I anticipated he would pull why am I just now realizing that Moana is doing all this barefooted those lava rocks can be sharpish so the bottoms are her feet must be on scarred and blistered after this adventure Claire Dearing has nothing on mallanna movie totally rips off the odd parting of the sea thing from Prince of Egypt also movies climax basically rips off the black widow lullaby from age of Ultron I'm honestly surprised they didn't eat the pig while she was gone since they couldn't catch any fish if it's Locka ever since cinemasins began the most requested thing has been TV since and now it's a reality click the link in the description below to check it out and now the audio outtakes [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] imagine a Asian it - fear nahan okay send attract oi a logic assume I'm a vegetarian are my

Channel: CinemaSins

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Keywords: cinema sins, wave jockey job, review, eww, moana, everything wrong with, disney, movie, cinemasins, mistakes

Id: plc2c84pM5I

Length: 16min 10sec (970 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 13 2018