Everything Wrong With Brave In 13 Minutes Or Less

44 seconds for two logos which with these two studios is par for the course still simple as hell Castle lamp lettering boom you're done in ten seconds if you have no ego discount or you start a boom Farkus she's a lady movie has conflicting emotions about gender equality in a span of two seconds damn how bad was her reign movie expects me to believe that this arrow shot went that deep into the woods movie barely cracks the 3-minute mark before introducing magic magic the lord of allmovie ex machina s' follow me now child then your mother will become a bear later willow the wisp Reese's Pieces you know some say that willow the wisps lead you to your feet others say they just waste your time making you prance wildly around the forest but everyone agrees that they exist which is a bull this giant-ass bear somehow snuck up on everyone who he thinks we are fooled that Fergus died by cutting away at the last second some see our destiny is tied to the narration the story of how my father lost his leg to the demon bear mordioux bikini legend and therefore we didn't bother to animate it or show it to you it was too legendary I can never get away with anything that's because you're eating an apple and you look like an asshole in what way did she think this was private also she takes one bite and then throws it on the ground at least leave it intact so it doesn't get all rotten why did she bring this Apple in the first place if you remove all the murder and rape Merida is also kind of a discount ancestor holy crap now she's stealing apples and she's a princess so nobody can say anything so that's double asshole duty in two minutes she sure can ride a horse out of the castle into the wilderness but can she bait with all the colors of the wind huh huh so basically badass Maid Marian or stop what the hell is she doing a Tom Cruise impression or is it actually happening right now I don't really know prevented her from falling to her death but thank God for an unusually strong grip that can stop falling momentum awesome now what how do you even get down three Apple teens in four minutes this is an orgy of evidence that this movie was made for cinemas in six months before we existed I won't die with that cat huh an arranged marriage in a Disney movie that's par for the course actually so sin for repetition he divided the kingdom among his four sons one who is obviously evil because he's in the shadows and has demon eyes also and this is totally racist the bad brother is represented by the black chess piece followed his own path and the kingdom fell seriously the message here is that he followed his own path and that's the reason why Merida can't shy away from tradition what about the clearly more important part of the story where the guy was power-hungry and obviously an evil guy but as married are gonna bring up this point hell no I swear I guess this isn't going to happen not five any C in it but you and everyone else in this movie have gone out of their way to show me how much you do not have a seat near the family you worry about but turn out to not be that important to the story after all they're the family that will eventually lose to the well-regarded pentium clan and here's the I can't breathe cliche as seen in all the movies where the plucky young heroine puts on restrictive clothing and doesn't want to marry whomever it is they're being offered so we're supposed to think the awesome muscular guy is this dude son but his son is standing behind that guy and my only question is why is the strong awesome guy standing so proudly in front of the crowd if he's not the dude son this King has a slippery grip on his subjects titty twisters now this movie is doing nothing to improve the reputation of Scottish folk not that it claimed to be or anything but still drinks and fights a lot check I choose archery the princess declared archery would be the contest of choice so what's the screen long tossing going on for 23 minutes in and these kids have absolutely zero good qualities they are terrible what a bastard drop it also these kids went through all this trouble to steal pastries when there are about a hundred different ways that didn't involve climbing a tent and swooping down to get them Merida thinks this plan is going to work as if Scottish lawn stealin loopholes as ludicrous as this yep Pixar is now stooping to Hey look at my hairy asshole moments for humour this is probably as blunt of a masturbation metaphor as it gets also super sexist ancient male-dominated society just lets her do this this is probably as blunt of an emasculation metaphor as it gets do you bother to ask what I want this whole script so far basically comes from the dusty blueprint of rebel without a cause honestly as valid as the conflict is in this movie it just comes off worn out luckily for this blunt metaphor the picture was drawn in such a way that the divide between mother and daughter is easy to slice a sword through overbearing parent literally destroys child's precious thingamajig cliche mom feels guilty about burning Merida's beau roughly eight seconds after angrily throwing said bow into the fireplace it's movies moving fast at least emotionally trying keep up okay how is the recent betrothed and sobbing princess allowed to leave the castle without anyone trying to stop her or telling her dead or even written note of her exit discount Stonehenge these bright blue forest lights are basically Merida's video game prompts also this is some air-traffic controller type magic lighting the magic bandit must be half GPS apparently Merida has never heard the story of the big bad wolf also discount power pellets without any evidence or proof Merida keeps following these things deeper and deeper into the creepy forest I think the wisps leave me here I don't know maybe because of the mysterious house in the woods and man you are super trusting a possibly evil creatures in the forest aren't you Merida doesn't immediately run out of the creepy wood carving Hut Fantasia brews Fantasia Toy Story Pizza Planet truck Easter Egg makes no goddamn sense in this ancient reality you couldn't find a single Pixar character whose cameo would make more sense in this time period like Rex really a god damn pickup truck 2,000 years before trucks were invented I'm surprised how upset this makes me see what you're doing how could she possibly know what she's doing she stumbled into a witch hut in the forest and instantly asked for a spell she's the very definition of no idea what she's doing this witch's brew has somehow produced a perfectly cooked fruit pastry from a cauldron of bubbling acid and I've seen enough Top Chef to know that this is some Bulls beer yeah sure if I give this to my mom it will change my fate why is it that when these characters in these types of stories get a wish or something they ask for the vagus possible wish open for interpretation changing your fate could literally mean all outcomes positive and negative but don't involve marrying the three dumb asses at the archery competition hang up the scale did you say something for no reason the witch completely disappears before she can remember an important thing about the spell doesn't she have control over whether she disappears are the wisps responsible there was this house and which created by a fairy godmother spell that expires after midnight you made this for me I don't know mom seems awfully trusting of her rebellious daughter after the Chi poll today did nervous mom really just turn into a bear because that is not the movie I signed up for I know she said I want a spell to change my mom but that was frightening lis vague and contained no mention of bears also if you're wondering why this Pixar original didn't connect with you like you thought it might look no further than the story which sets up this badass independent woman as a Terran and gives her nothing to do except clean up the mess she started also and they finally did it Disney remade Brother Bear and made it into mother bear weight just to blame but actually you know even though she's seen the shadow and saw her clones and all things pointing to being a bear the is what sent her into a surprised frenzy of destruction it's funny her mom is still trying to be proven proper even as a bear but I'm shocked she's not concerned about her safety right now what's worse that this guy can smell a white bear at over 500 kilometres or that said white bear doesn't realize this and get the kind of dodge as soon as she realizes she's a goddamn bear you can have my deserts for two weeks how are these kids not insanely fat at this point don't give me that kid metabolism nonsense either these kids steal hundreds of pastries a day the idea that a bear ground can be made this way and a chicken on a stick even comes close to looking with the shadow of a bear talk to the bear hand I find it I can't either since this stupid place disappeared completely in the last scene and now it's reappeared for no reason other than to give you hope through Goldberg ex machina one bit I forgot to tell you about despair yeah there really was no way I could just hang around for five more seconds or leave you a note that didn't require a Rube Goldberg contraption one more time feet be changed seriously this couldn't be written down magically etched in stone welcome to the crafty Carver what remember when the witch did this earlier she went through three choices one ending with if you're that red-haired girl use file three but instead of waiting for that Merida panics and throws all the potions into the cauldron because she's a dick also despite the fact that Merida too screwed herself anyway couldn't the witch have left a few more vials of number three just in case she needed to hear that message again how is that crown still on her damn bear head help should have fallen off and gotten lost as soon as she went into bear mode look either there's enough room to hide from the rain or there isn't don't show me a structure that seems to have all the room and then show me two protagonists camped out on the edge to where they're both getting rained on a ton I mean move back ten inches Jesus I'll always be right here even if I'm a bear this fire is the exact same fire in the fireplace from earlier a princess should not have weapons in your opinion Merida tries to teach her mom a lesson about how it's good for a princess to have weapons in a situation where they both are in this mess because of her in the first place yep her mom is still a bear just popping in to clarify that continued apparent fact the Bears even like their fish cooked I can't imagine why or how or why they would considering they can't start fires I know this particular bearer used to be human but is there no bear inside there at all three sins in one here she thinks bears fish just by opening their mouths this fish jumps directly into her not moving open mouth and she spits it out like it's girls lady you are a bear now with the program yes what every icy mother-daughter relationship really needs is for one of them to be turned into a bear and face the hardships of salmon fishing mom's full transition to a wild bear happened really fast because I just saw a montage of her romping with her human daughter for like five minutes and now this I thought she had until the second sunrise Theo show us the way will they really though they showed you the way to the witch's house earlier and I just turned into a disaster why do you even trust these assholes isn't it nice that these ruins have a perfectly placed pile of rocks so that if you fall through the floor won't kill you but even hurt you rock depicting the story Eleanor told Merida just happens to have a split between the good brothers and the bad brother lit like the tapestry I know the parallels between that story and your story are crazy similar the Speyer waited until marital earned everything before coming in to attack unlikely also can we just go ahead and say the wisps are the antagonist of this movie they are not kind they're not helpful and they're total assholes these clans have been shooting at each other for what appears to be well long enough to shoot a hundred arrows into each of all these tables and no one is dead I will say that this dude catching an arrow is hilarious he's the best character in the movie because he's clearly above it all we'd remove uh sin but the sin is that he's not in and enough sure many of these clans are facing away from the big giant bear walking behind them but Fergus and everyone else are facing toward the bear and somehow miss her completely and Jesus does no one see this for are we going on that is a lot of curry also somehow all this works Merida says we should love whom we want and everyone beholden to these Scottish traditions just says okay well at least we got to play some pointless games after sailing all this way just new Fiat Marcus this guy is harder to understand that Ennis Delmont Eleanor's bear-like tendencies show up when the plot needs it too funny how it didn't happen once while Merida was making her plea to the clans no domestic violence the best way to keep your daughter safe is to lock her up cliche triplet bears ex machina get the key these assholes have been barriers almost as long as Eleanor ass but never did anything bear like or turned into real bears or anything remotely close to anything that matters to this story one of the many talents Merida possesses is sewing while riding on a horse in the rain we didn't see her honing these skills earlier but we must assume that she did also by the way this whole thing is solved by sewing the tapestry back together it did not require sneaking Eleanor back into the castle at all this movie's resolution could happen ten minutes ago this is the first time the wisps have ever done anything useful King is a dick to his daughter I mean despair he doesn't realize as his wife is completely restrained right now why does he need to violently shove his daughter out of the picture mordioux prefers the knock people as far away as possible method of fighting as opposed to using his claws to destroy them mordioux finds a way to taunt Merida instead of revenant in her ass when this movie started if you'd have told me it was going to end with a human bear and a bear bear brawling and rip off Stonehenge arena I'd have flipped you off and not even watch this so sin for you for not telling me that before I watch this movie none of these onlookers try to assist in the takedown of mordioux because they're all little bitches the deadline of the second sunrise is apparently set up to be when the light reaches the bottom of the East stones which is some horse you know what I would have enjoyed more a movie about a strong-willed Scottish princess refusing to get married by parental arrangement that contained no magic mother bear's we saw absolutely nothing that changed from the moment Mayor to put the tapestry on her mom to the time of the second sunrise other than her crime which means that this is a supercalifragilistic expialidocious asshole of a curse to tease this family like this he changed oh darling we both have well no actually Merida got everything she wanted without changing a bit make it well no actually you have a tapestry wrapped around me I mean I kind of get it in all but stop saying things that are true yeah that seems like the perfect match Maudie the most annoying character in the movie gets the awesome warrior dude in the end makes sense there are those who say feet is something beyond our command and those people are correct our feet lives within us you only have to be brave enough to see it you can't sneak a roll credits pass me assholes also I guess she was indeed brave but that doesn't mean you didn't steal this title from Braveheart which was also about Scottish people fighting for freedom and whose heroes mom memorably turned into a bear if you remember don't you on that you thieving jerks this wisp is still an asshole Tibbits no Scottish it's crap I bring you peace like when you love some see our destiny is tied to the land just now how do you solve the problem like Maria how do you catch a cloud and pin it down the bunny scared Mike the bunny scared of you and you got your pain catchers inside a cause of these Lang's man you're looking at your colors and looking at your fangs you're thinking to yourself I don't know what to do man I don't know how to kill the bunny they can afford time out for this is the fishing season all they have to do is wait I saw him Kanda

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 6,724,654

Rating: 4.8697357 out of 5

Keywords: brave, pixar, disney, everything wrong with, eww, cinemasins, cinema sins, review, brave review, mistakes

Id: Lf5UMHjcfLo

Length: 14min 10sec (850 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 17 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/Zuerill]

You can't ruin my favorite movie for me!

[u/ROBOT_B9]

"Badass Maid Marian"? Are you saying Maid Marian isn't already a badass? >:C

[u/2-4601]

Uh, Meridith did change. She gave a peaceful, diplomatic speech that calmed each faction down instead of using her archery, which would have ended badly. In doing so she does the most important thing royalty can - keep up good relations and turn enemies into friends, e.g. politicking.

EDIT And by the way, horses do roll in grass - I've seen it several times on sunny days.

[u/[deleted]]

I'm a little out of the loop here: why eating an apple is a synonym of being a dick?

[u/warlocktriqz]

I'm assuming you've heard of the Pixar Theory...there's a perfectly valid explanation for why that wooden truck is there: http://jonnegroni.com/2013/07/11/the-pixar-theory/

Good video, though! Have you ever thought of doing a collaboration with The Super Carlin Brothers when you sin a Pixar movie?