Everything Wrong With Every Shrek Movie Ever (That We’ve Sinned So Far)

[Music] [Music] there are two k's two e's and two r's in this logo but they don't get any special shrek treatment this logo is racist against like 80 of the qualified alphabet eight seconds of a book not opening and then finally opening you could win a bull writing contest in that amount of time once upon a time narrating shrek tears out one page but the story in the book skips ahead all the way to the wedding of the princess in the night like that's ever gonna happen it took only 90 seconds for this movie to get to its first joke also by dramatically crumpling this page he just made extra work for himself to make it viable toilet paper also shrek apparently depends on books to wipe his ass also movie literally wipes his ass on fairy tales informing us this is going to be a new fresh subversive take on the genre that will need three sequels and a spin-off also why does shrek even need an outhouse apparently the medieval outhouse has working plumbing with a flushing toilet we can't play this song but smash mouth also the song all-star by which the word ubiquitous was nearly replaced by a music version of this song in all the dictionaries of the world i guess the fact that shrek bathes in mud or [ __ ] or something is supposed to be like one of those adam's family jokes where their pleasures come from awful things but i can't figure out why a guy who likes to bathe in mud would even bother going through all this work to do it that's right kids there are two fart and poop jokes in the first two minutes are you not entertained if there are several notices out for rewarding folks for finding and killing the ogre why the hell would shrek advertise his exact location no matter how terrifying he thinks he is well we've seen farting and burping in the movies first three minutes and with cameron diaz voicing a character i'm sure we'll see semen in the hair later well actually that would be a giant any reason the ogre is scottish hey i liked snl so i married an axe murderer and fat bastard just as much as anybody but man does everything have to be scottish yeah yeah i know if it's not scottish it's crap i laughed at that a long time ago does it have to be the reason this is the part where do you run away yeah but don't you guys have pitfalls and rakes and stuff i mean sure the torches are toast but jesus these guys don't even take a swing at him wanted fairy tale creatures can we pause for a second and ask why an ogre that lives by himself in medieval times can read okay carry on also i guess these villagers are trusting lot since there's no amount listed on the reward notice if they bring in an ogre the bank will just be all hey thanks you win a set of stick knives five shillings for the possessed toy i know we're making fun of disney here but we're seriously gonna believe geppetto sells pinocchio for five shillings the witch got 20 pieces of silver so he could totally get at least 50 on the black market especially since his face is plastered on a wanted poster how is it possible all the fairy tale characters on these wanted posters got captured all in the same day shrek is posting signs literally steps away from the fairy tale death camp roundup by the order of lord farquaad whoa whoa farquaad i know this is a kind of double entendre you put in a movie for adults but who wants their kids going around saying farquaad whenever they want man had some strong asses eeking out of my butt that day in this fairy tale every character has to reference their anus at least once my house okay i understand the blind mice could sneak in but how the hell did the rest of these characters get in here without shrek seeing them he's having dinner right by the door what are you doing in my swamp yeah that's an excellent question i don't care how magic these [ __ ] are there's no way they had time to build up an entire camp light fires and settle down while shrek made dinner and without him hearing i mean jesus the old woman that lived in the shoe brought her shoe house you're coming with me even though shrek clearly doesn't like donkey he lets him tag along for whatever reason all donkey has to say is farquaad is in the castle and that would be enough but we need comic hijinks damn it now tell me where are the others didn't farquaad just evict and displace like hundreds maybe thousands of fairy tale creatures but the gingerbread man is supposed to know the whereabouts of everyone else wouldn't torturing those other prisoners cast a wider net sure it's offensive but i bet that spit tastes delicious please welcome cinderella how would marrying cinderella make him a king cinderella is not a princess unless the whole story of cinderella has already been told in the magic mirror suggesting that farquaad steal her from some other kingdom's prince after they get married okay okay uh number three who picks the girl in a castle surrounded by molten lava and a dragon to be their queen even if you're gonna just pawn the job off on someone else but i probably shouldn't mention the little thing that happens at night somehow magic mirror decides to withhold the most important information about princess fiona during the dating game spoof you know because of comedy and because it'll be a big surprise later ah that's the place do you think maybe he's compensating for something so this is obviously disneyland and farquaad is obviously some representation of michael eisner in a movie made by a studio headed by jeffrey katzenberg shrek is like an ex-girlfriend bitching about how lame and stupid her ex-boyfriend was but secretly wants to get back with him medieval castle has fully functional speaker system but still relies on fire flight [Music] of course the tiny welcome dolls have a butthole reference ready what is that luckily every cgi character rendered in the early 21st century had identical shocked faces the one who kills the ogre will be named champion that's perfect motivation but from what we've seen in this movie no one is brave enough to take on shrek for any reason in fact i'm shocked the entire arena didn't start running in a mass panic when they saw him walk through what the [ __ ] is a giant beer keg doing in the middle of an arena knights on the left must have passed out from the alcohol fumes because they definitely weren't affected by the spray of the cake good thing this horse pen which is in the middle of an arena by the way has wrestling ring style ropes crowd cheers a hideous ogre assaulting their own men because he has a good finishing move donkey makes the climb up this year rock despite having no opposable thumbs or working digits if you're an evil dragon with a castle why would you even have a bridge over your fire remote or if you stole this castle why not just burn the bridge is it for the pizza delivery guy also looking at the impossible nature of this place i wonder how they got supplies here so that princess fiona wouldn't die while being held captive that'll do donkey that'll do that's a gorty reference right there i feel so smart when i get it come on how this does shrek fit that night's helmet over his giant head and why would he need it except for the dramatic reveal a few minutes later even though the dragon has donkey right in its path she forgot the match to light her convenient fire breath thanks to the extremely real physics that occur in everyday life shrek gets thrown straight into fiona's room so the quest could be more convenient and yeah he's an animated ogre from a fairy tale and all but still he survives this given the amount of carnage in the front of the castle i assume the dragon usually makes short work of her prey but it takes her forever to even be in position to kill donkey a girl dragon of course she is all females of every species have lovely lashes and they're all susceptible to flannery and dragons can be attracted to donkeys why not you didn't slay the dragon it's on my to-do list now come on but this isn't right fiona totally saw shrek falling through the ceiling into her room but apparently he thought this is how it was supposed to happen until it was explained to her this is cute and all but it would have taken either a dragon with excellent penmanship or someone working for the dragon that would later die violently to write this also this dragon needs a cookbook for the night she eats seeing as how the movie has already shown plenty of dead knights lying around the castle with their limbs strewn about i highly doubt this dragon needs a cookbook or prepares food in any proper way or wait is that what she feeds fiona what the hell is a dragon gonna do with all this gold it's not like she's gonna go to town and plop down 50 bucks for a handbag mike myers character gets hit in the balls example number 3567 the dragon's fire breathing can easily reach shrek and his friends but for some reason she's suddenly become frigid princess fiona apparently has lois lane disease where she couldn't see shrek's ogre face through what was basically an open helmet there's blood nut the flatulent you can guess what he's famous for oddly enough bloodnut was a molecular biologist also apparently when dreamworks decided to do an irreverent comedy it meant passing as many gas jokes that would cut the cheese also the lion king somehow turned stargazing into fart jokes too what is it about looking at a space that makes cartoon screen writers think of farts and the first thing i'm going to do is build a 10 foot wall around my land and mexico will pay for it it's pretty obvious fiona despite being in the privacy of a cave decided to leave her green dress on despite the fact that she changes into a much plumper ogre but somehow she doesn't tear through her clothes like she-hulk people take one look at me and go ah help run a big stupid ugly ogre well except for the donkey the princess everyone at the swamp and just about everyone shrek has met on this journey that's not an [ __ ] jesus christ you can practically see neil armstrong on this moon it's so big show me the princess onto man voir porn also magic mirrors which are amazing magical things apparently have vcr rewinding functions and can't this thing pause on the image while she's using a thin leaf to guard against the heat of the rock on her left hand fiona puts her right hand directly on the scalding rock and thus will have a disfigured claw for the rest of her life of course in what [ __ ] universe besides this one has robin hood been french this guy throws an apple to donkey so he'll seem like even more of an [ __ ] but i think we know who the real [ __ ] here is while princess fiona takes part in this even for 2001 tired matrix parody i'd like to know how she kept physically fit enough to do all these martial arts just one day after being rescued also when exactly did fiona learn kung fu she was locked away for a long time yes but were there books or spare sensei sitting around in the dragon castle the flower had told us this would be so much easier if i wasn't colorblind and yet donkey still picks the right flower anyway the princess here was just okay despite the fact that we're being total [ __ ] to this movie that's funny right there removing a sin hey what's that is that blast there was no blood on the arrow fiona pulled out a shrek's ass it's an adorable shot to have these leaves flying up around donkey when he passes out but it would have been helpful to have those actual leaves around him when he's lying down to sell the [ __ ] but seriously how the [ __ ] does fiona know how to do all this [ __ ] they're living in a castle for who knows how long shrek and fiona are dicks to woodland creatures uh relationships that start off with casual domestic battery are almost always successful i'll cook all kinds of stuff for you swamp toad soup fish eye tartar you name it i'd like that shrek conveniently leaves out the part where he kills the fish by farting in the pond i've been this way as long as i can remember and i just happen to have exactly the same type of features as the ogre that accidentally happened upon the mission to come and rescue me by night one way by day another this shall be the norm sounds like yet another convoluted curse conjured by a witch who likes to keep her punishments creatively convenient to the main character the story also this was actually part of the book the trek tore out and wiped his ass on which is a coincidence upon an accident upon a riddle upon an enigma or something you you're a different i'm ugly okay yeah but only in an i'm in an animated movie cutaway if this were real life and if fiona were into nitpicky [ __ ] i'd probably hit that princess i uh how's it going first of all shrek musters up the courage to talk to fiona at the time she's supposed to be asleep and the door is nice and left open so he can misunderstand whatever he hears when he gets on the doorstep princess and ugly don't go together let this be a lesson to you fellas screw that whole psych myself up speech before you talk to your lady otherwise you'll accidentally hear a completely out of context conversation that will make you think you have no chance also shrek takes a time out from being a gross out kids movie or parody movie or whatever the hell it is to become every rom-com you've ever seen you heard what i said every word shrek outright lies about hearing every word so the misunderstanding can continue to happen ah right on time a guy like farquaad would not be happy the trek made him ride all the way out here to pick up fiona but because the plot demanded the trek get here just before fiona turned back into camardia's he had to make an excuse to do this stupid [ __ ] [Music] man this leonard cohen song is so much better than that stupid cover and watchman how did they tailor this dress in a few hours sudden dragon here even after being colored and basically chained up the last time we saw her she found a way out of that and even flew in the right direction to run into donkey also how the hell does the dragon get all the way out near duloc without anyone seeing or hearing her wouldn't she also be pissed that she lost her captive and her donkey sex slave and release a reign of fiery terror on civilization the wedding will never make it in time that's where the sudden dragon comes in no one saw her heard the giant dragon until she was literally on top of them movie steals to stop the wedding scene from well it's mike myers so wayne's world 2. i object couldn't they have slipped in the back to see what was going on instead of the whole window thing especially if it were that easy to crash the wedding so fiona didn't get married yet and the sun is setting but how the [ __ ] did she think this was gonna work how did she think the guy she just met in hates was going to be her true love anyway i guess desperate times call for desperate measures and all but damn [Music] we had gone several minutes there without a burper fart joke and i was almost in withdrawal so fiona's going to take her true form which is her ogre self so why does the magic even bother to go through all this that's like multiplying zero by zero also i'm calling [ __ ] on the true form thing being an ogre since she was born to human parents why can't she just stay human and have a kermit miss piggy relationship i don't know how that works either but this movie is making it sound like same must stay with same ain't no white girl gonna be with no green dude the blast from the spell being broken will shatter all the windows but the spectators are completely unharmed these fairy tale creatures are back in place for the wedding which brings up this question where the hell did they go when they were kicked out of the swamp wasn't the whole operation to round them up in the first place are you saying that farquaad agreed to return the fairy tale creatures to their homes when he spent the whole movie exiling them also what the [ __ ] was the reasoning behind farquaad hating fairy tale characters anyway we don't even get a they killed my brother's story eddie murphy played a dragon in mulan so i'm wondering if donkey is supposed to be mushu reincarnated or some and that's why this dragon loves him so much go to school also the premise of pixar's up was surprisingly inspired by the streamworks logo in a shrek movie once upon a time in a kingdom far far away once upon a time cliche in her eating until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment prince charming got the revised copy of the story shrek was reading in the outhouse at the beginning of the last film because this is the exact same story only with extra details they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower there to await the kiss of the handsome prince charming even for a fairy tale this sounds like the worst plan ever instead of simply keeping the princess somewhere close fairy godmother and her parents decide to put fiona in some remote castle with a [ __ ] dragon traveling for many days and nights risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keeper is it just me or is it creepy that the prince traveled all this way just to get it on with a woman he doesn't even know even though he's on a mission i mean i know we're a long way from tinder but this is pretty [ __ ] desperate what why the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] living this far away in the castle wasn't there a happy ending in shrek where all the animals could live in the forest again also nice pork illustrated joke but this is taking a love of ham to a sexual extreme that i didn't know existed until i saw it in this kid's movie also also i know prince charming is self-absorbed and this journey is super long but how the [ __ ] did he not hear about fiona's marriage to shrek i mean not one [ __ ] told this guy about the ogre who married the princess back in whatever time this is eight millimeter cameras existed probably nicolas cage too maybe i'm in love sure it's not as objectionable as smash mouth's all-star but counting crows is the best you can do movie it's 2004. was ashley simpson not available this image conjures up way more scares than i think is intended hansel of hansel and gretelfame opened up a gingerbread house for a romantic getaway as in the place where hansel and gretel nearly got eaten by a witch and you're telling me after this incident that he experienced with his sister he said man that would be a great place for a honeymoon what the [ __ ] was little red riding hood doing in a honeymoon hideaway anyway does she have an arrangement with one of the couples and knocked on the wrong door or does she think her grandma married the woodsman mike myers inadvertently invents a new category on pornhub called ogreing how did the ocean pull off this trick and why did this mermaid harlot start immediately kissing track when she was thrown into it and does fiona really think a mermaid wanted to shrek i am so confused movie goes a long way to make a lord of the rings reference with no payoff there are still [ __ ] trying to kill shrek and fiona even after the revelations in the last movie shrek movie is unable to hold in a fart joke for more than five minutes with a moon this big total eclipses should occur way more frequently and last longer than two minutes we're supposed to believe these trumpet players walked the entire way from far far away to shrek swamp a distance that will be nauseatingly recreated in the next scene the king will bestow his royal blessing upon you and your uh prince charming why would this dude continue this message in the first movie everyone was freaked out by ogres and in this one they're still getting chased by pitchfork wielding villagers don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this why would they how did nobody hear about the wedding in the last movie you know the wedding where some sort of magical pixie fairy dust change fiona into an ogre forever even in these times the news would have spread faster than this but they're my parents shrek they love me they love you so much they put you in a [ __ ] castle thousands of miles away guarded by a dragon and only by the luckiest of circumstances could you ever return they just want to give you their blessing now i need their blessing jesus what was the point of the first movie if shrek's just gonna reboot to being a sandy butthole so he can learn to open up again we are not going and that's final good to see that this joke was still very old back in 2004 the big bad wolf can just appear wherever he wants even though he was a thousand miles away the last time we saw him this song originally titled off was written by nyle rogers after being denied entrance to studio 54 and mike myers played steve rebel in the movie about studio 54. all this to say this is the only interesting pop culture reference in this movie and i'm 99 certain it was unintentional are we there yet it's easy for me to say this goes on for some time because this are we there yet bull goes on forever so because it's an over long joke wrap loosely by a cliche i'm gonna add five cents also if i didn't live through it you would have never convinced me that this movie made nearly a billion dollars worldwide and was once the third highest grossing film of all time meccan ain't no in-flight movie or nothing i would like donkey to explain where in this world flight movies and in-flight movies exist seriously this movie is [ __ ] 82 minutes without counting the credits i'm convinced the initial cut was 23 before they started adding like this the kingdom of far far away has a burger prince but it's tucked away behind a whole bunch of other shops someone forgot to tell these [ __ ] about the importance of location location location apparently rapunzel and cinderella live in the same goddamn place who's the princess in this town anyway seriously this news has never made it here and i know it's far far away but give me a [ __ ] break on earth of a i think that's our little girl you know the one that changed into an ogre every night and we sent to a castle thousands of miles away yeah i guess that's easy to forget they were so certain that fiona had married prince charming and broke the curse how did they send the proper invite to shrek squan i suppose that will be a fine place to raise the children listen if the movie continues to pat its run time with overlong silliness like this i will continue to sin that it's great okay well for his type yes this movie could have been some really subversive if fiona had stayed a human princess perhaps a fun take on guess who's coming to dinner but it sold out this couple in order to make more fart jokes was this dinner with a full turkey a lobster a giant fish and a pig really meant for four people even if two of them are ogres but i'm all for anachronisms i voted for anachronisms back in 2056 but this movie is going too far let's go kyle why does fairy godmother need a flying carriage to get where she's going and didn't she show up to fiona's balcony riding a bubble from space hello harold what happened i know nothing nothing dirtiest the old uh crusade wound playing up a bit shrek franchise continues its pattern of allowing people with an earshot to hear conversations only if it's convenient to the plot also this is a fairy tale set in a completely different universe but the crusades also happened in their world oh what's new you remember my son prince charming charming holy sh prince charming is fairy godmother son how the [ __ ] did they [ __ ] this up after i endured blistering winds scorching desert mummy can handle this he endures blistering winds and scorching desert this movie in a nutshell do something then have somebody repeat that something then fart or have donkey do something annoying some gender confused wolf that's 2000 forest i mean it wasn't my fault he didn't get there in time how long did it take prince charming to go on this journey i mean in the first movie shrek was reading a book about fiona had time to go to farquaad's castle then went all the way back to where fiona was locked up brought her back married her and went on a honeymoon before prince charming got close to saving her harold [Music] you forced me to do something i really don't want to do all this is a setup to fairy godmother going off her diet to eat at some fast food restaurant but clearly her hired muscle thought it was time to beat up the king here the director said let's make this tavern sign a bite out of an apple it'll make it look like even more of an [ __ ] oh man they dragged poor tom weights into this didn't they how the [ __ ] did they hear that there's only one fella can handle a job like that where could i find him i know the king has a personal stake in getting fiona together with prince charming but why is he doing all this himself he's the [ __ ] king doesn't he have a mountain that can handle this why does shrek wear socks when he goes to bed isn't he used to being in a swamp barefoot [Music] the [ __ ] eels are on the soundtrack the quality ratio of the music to the movie is approaching purple rain status even though her alter ego is an ogre looking being theo and his parents bought her a terrifying ogre toy when she was a kid sleeping beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow that's a good joke but what's she really called sleeping beauty when she was a kid and do all the fairytale princesses live in the same era i just really need to make things work with this guy but what you really need to be doing is making that scottish accent reappear really starting to think that the script for this movie was like 13 original lines and the rest was just references to other better movies mike meyer's character gets hit in the balls example 392. also movie confirms the fact that ogres have testicles in the same place as human which is a question i didn't realize i had with the mike myers connection you're just the cat in the hat to me what do you reckon we should do with them i say we take the sword and knew them right here give them the bob barker treatment i truly want to know what kind of life donkey lives where he knows about stuff like in-flight movies shirley bassey and bob burker if the world these [ __ ] live in is one by which they have to ride a horse-drawn carriage to go somewhere the knowledge of bob barker proves they're traveling stupidly implore you it was nothing personal puss in boots is apparently such a badass that he's the one guy with the reputation of being an ogre killer but he's defeated by shrek picking him up by the back of the [ __ ] neck damn it this movie's stupid i just i just wish i could make her happy we're supposed to feel sympathy for shrek here but all he's done in this relationship is boss fiona around actively ignore what she's saying and read her diary while she was sleeping so i'm saying that sympathy until it's actually earned think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you i don't know maybe hard to find a copy of the adventures of pluto nash out here jesus christ the logic in this movie this is supposed to be fiona's fairy godmother you're saying she appears for anyone that cries in the entire world i'm either away from my desk or with a client but if you come by the office yeah all we need to do is show you a picture of the office and you'll be able to find it a pinch of passion hard to believe that a fairy godmother with this kind of power wasn't able to just turn fiona into an all-day human with a simple little bit of magic charming would have married her none of this would have happened cinderella there we are lived happily ever after yeah but in the last shrek which was apparently only a couple of months ago according to this movie cinderella was still available so how did this story get written so fast this fools anyone puss do you think you could get to those on top how does shrek know what any of these do let alone whether the ones on the top work on his particular problem don't stool softener oh yeah you're right i'm sure a nice bm is the perfect solution for marital problems if the writers of these movies had a say in it they would the guy with the hat has to grab his hat before the door closes because indiana jones did it that one time cliche these people are so bad at shooting i'm shocked donkey doesn't make a stormtrooper reference shrek is a big lumbering [ __ ] ogre but displays some crouching tiger hidden dragon moves out of nowhere he will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me the script of these movies have notes in the margins that say when in doubt do something involving gas or poop remember your georgia the jungle training hey man this don't feel right donkey waits to object to this plan until after they've gone to the factory broken in stole the potion and made their escape [Music] shrek i think you grabbed the farty ever after potion have i mentioned this movie made nearly a billion dollars why does the mushroom turn into a rose instantly but shrek and donkey don't turn into their hands themselves until later don't give me any of that they're bigger so it takes longer but neither this is a magic potion god damn it movie goes for that sweet samford and sons nostalgia that drove kids wild back in 2004. it was a mistake to bring shrek here i'm gonna go out and find him and then we're gonna go back to the swamp where we belong i guess she made this decision while thinking about her love for shrek over the course of the day even though she hasn't seen him since their unresolved argument last night and the only thing she's discovered is that he abandoned her after reading her diary i know it's a happily ever after potion and shrek and fiona's love tie them together over space and time like interstellar and i'm completely fine with that but if it requires two people in love to work why would it turn a mushroom into a rose and why wouldn't the potion have some sort of crossover effect between shrek donkey and the mushroom and if donkey changes into a stallion why doesn't it turn dragon into a philly or catherine the great top round buttocks i'm i'm gorgeous i'll say damn these milkmaids are so horned up that they'll hit on the first dude that passes out in their barn to make the effects of this potion permanent the drinker must obtain his true love's keys by midnight what a sheep ocean if it has these kind of rules i mean the potion affected fiona without her even drinking it shouldn't that already be proof of true love without a [ __ ] kiss tell that you will ever be able to play the violin again oh you poor creature so are talking animals common in this world this [ __ ] is literally in a horse-drawn carriage where the horses are acting like regular horses but he runs into a talking lawn and doesn't bat a [ __ ] eyelash fiona shrek knows exactly where fiona's room is and fiona came directly from there so why wouldn't they just run into each other also fairy godmother somehow knew that fiona would yell shrek would hear the scream and run after her they'd miss each other running through the castle and he'd come running into this room allowing her to switch shrek with prince charming before she can see him also how did fairy godmother know that shrek would take the potion before getting back to the castle setting up these shenanigans shrek are you baby i could be antonio banderas is the best thing about this movie shrek i fiona it is me how in the ever loving does fiona not know what prince charming looks like it's not like fairy godmother kept him hidden all these years hoping she'd be able to do this switcheroo and she wrote all about him in her diary if you really love her you'll let her go wait she [ __ ] let him go i mean he could have said anything to get out of the room then walked right back up to fiona and won her back right jesus the silly conflicts this movie throws in for no reason are maddening people just ain't no good and this cover of jeff buckley's hallelujah sounds [ __ ] up i can't believe you're going to just walk away from the best thing that had happened to you what choice do i have what you could even tell fiona about the mix-up and let her decide crazy right is she yeah she's uh in the back luckily for shrek and crew the king has unfinished business with fairy godmother taking place in this cd tavern of all places so that they can get vital plot details this goofy sign says no skin no bones no service but in an earlier bar scene there were clearly a couple of ants hanging out which have neither if you're gonna do silly do it consistently movie have fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses why didn't you just give her this potion in the first place since the other potion only works with true love's kiss why did you even chance this thank you mother mother movie again abandons what could be an exciting chase scene because we don't have time for that but we do have time for a [ __ ] fart montage at the beginning of the movie and princess fiona and prince shrek and oh my booby saves animation time and resources by using the actual joan rivers look hansel and gretel you mean they're still kids how does hansel run a successful gingerbread honeymoon hideout at this age hey mice pass me a buffalo wing i can believe in magic and monsters and spells and potions but i refuse to believe that this [ __ ] gingerbread man can fully consume a chicken wing tonight cops spoof that just happens to feature shrek and company getting arrested shows up conveniently so that these dicks can save shrek not only is this commercial that shows every aspect of the arrest bull but the ability of medieval tv producers to edit live video for broadcast that night is total nonsense too wait shrek and donkey raced off from the bar with fairy godmother in hot pursuit who is you know magic so why and how did the [ __ ] village knights need to get involved that said no mind oh god damn this movie's never seen a cheap joke it won't make you'd be surprised how much i changed for your mother change ah he's completely lost his mind let's back up a second all we've seen is fiona talking to prince charming one time and yes things were a little off but we haven't seen any other interaction between these two that would sell the fact that prince charming makes a horrible shrek shrek donkey how did these guys find shrek's exact prison cell i guess it's also lucky that there's a skylight in this thing too also isn't this high up in the castle how did they get all the way up here they blew the top off the dungeon without anyone hearing by the way but where did they get the key to the shackles damn it spend some time on some logic movie any logic what shrek gets the totally insane idea that the muffin man can build a giant gingerbread man that will help them storm the castle and it turns out he's right by the way was there ever any explanation as to how the gingerbread man got his leg back what the movie doesn't show is the giant gingerbread man smashing up the poor muffin man's house after he agreed to this stupid plan you know i'm glad this movie didn't get made past the year 2008 or else we would have had dreamworks looking for a gingerbread man versus pillsbury doughboy franchise throw in the jolly green giant and mothra while you're at it she's taking the potion kiss her now forcible frenching fairy godmother decides to shoot some sort of spell that went to the 300 school of slow motioning things wait a minute if the spell the fairy godmother shot toward shrek bounced off the king's armor then how did it change him into a frog oh the happily ever after potion midnight the second that the clock hits midnight it's midnight not after the bells chime 12 times is this what you want to be this way forever it's not so much what she wants but what the studio and the people paying to see shrek movies want as i see the exact same transformation that i saw in the last movie i just had a thought this movie's no different from the original it's about fiona accepting who shrek is denying another prince a chance to marry her and changing into an ogre in the end with a few extra characters sprinkled it at this point the song had been out for five [ __ ] years and as fun as it is everyone had heard it on the radio and at a million weddings parties bar mitzvahs and quinceaneras yet here comes a dance montage to keep pouring salt on her wounds [Music] you thought mid-credit scenes were a marvel creation but shrek's the real culprit for this cultural abomination great now i'm going to be thinking all day about how a donkey gets his penis into a dragon vagina man this kid is an [ __ ] he rides balloons to the moon to fish for what i guess is cloud trout by the way you know the dark part of the moon is supposed to be solid and not a nesting coke for delinquent kids right also as if you needed any more proof that dreamworks desperately wants to be pixar they rip off the classic scene from up for the opening logo wait up came out two years after this well dreamworks still totally wants to be pixar jesus movie are you trying to go all harry potter on us i know prisoner of azkaban was that series third entry but this is a totally different franchise full of magical creatures and sentient animals and wizards and apparating and a protagonist with two trusted allies and wait this is worse than love letters i hate dinner theater then why the [ __ ] are you even here doesn't look like anyone at your table is excited to be here so it's not like you got dragged in against your will me too so pinocchio secretly loves dinner theater and for that reason we get this cheap wooden joke at least this movie's telling me early on what passes for humor do you mind do you mind glory gingerbread man would go on to transform into a different magical creature twitter troll how is this vanity mirror even lit up you might say candles but then i'd call you a filthy liar because this is a steady light bulb type of light oh yeah i remember that storyline about the fairy godmother in the last movie no me either i had a wikipedia that point is at least the second movie had the courtesy to not depend totally on having the knowledge of what happened in the first one i get that this is a bad fit for a king but before he turned back into a frog a regular-sized king slept here right with his regular-sized wife but it can easily fit two grown-ass ogres oh morning breath i know isn't it wonderful i'm glad that the shrek franchise basically became the adams family over time ha everything that is terrible to us is wonderful to them nice try movie but no matter how cute you try and make these dragon donkey babies i'm always going to remember that they're a crossbred unholy abomination against god and man movie somehow misses the chance to do something completely on brand and truthful by not calling this shrek the turd i'm not going to play this song for a number of reasons but just trust me it's royal pain by the eels which is a great song by an awesome band so i continue to wonder how the shrek franchise can be so good at music while being so terrible at movie remember that time that shrek either killed or maimed a dude in front of a large crowd with no repercussions wait a minute how the [ __ ] did the sales catch fire i suppose that's the joke but damn it i'm gonna be thinking about those sales for the rest of the movie damn movie you've already ripped off holy grail with the coconuts and dumb and dumber with the toenail grinder in the first five minutes you do know the difference between homage and outright theft right no all right carry on yeah but the king and queen from the last movie never dress like this movie will go to all the lengths for one stupid [ __ ] psychic oh yeah scratch that thing you got it you love it hey get your fat bastard out of my shrek who do you think we're kidding i am an ogre isn't this the plot point of every shrek movie and how many times does he have to remind us of this what if theoretically yeah they were little ogre feet damn if this movie takes a hard left and ogre porn i gotta say i'd be much more on board have you seen a baby lately they just eat and poop and they cry when they poop while they're listing all the reasons babies are terrible cliche aside i think this was just the movie's excuse to say poop a million times in five seconds wait trek has nipples like has he always had nipples and i've just never noticed it and even so what are they for i haven't had this many questions about unnecessary nipples since batman and robin don't forget to pay the gardener lillian for all explaining i am proud to call you my son and i'm proud to call you my frog king dad-in-law oh shrek never change you had farquaad in the first movie and you crazy comic dispensers have cracked up all the sensors with this double entendre the frog king is dead movie directly inspires the most irritating part of deadpool 2. it's a funeral so therefore it must rain no matter what at this point in the movie they're playing the wings version of live and let die and i have to ask did anyone actually think this through this is not a mournful song that pays respect to a morose occasion like hallelujah did in the first fret it's a goddamn bond theme cinderella is in far far away right now eating bon bons wait but prince charming just named off all the actual plots that the villains and the pub were involved with if cinderella is in this universe she should be married to charming right if you're gonna fantasy movie at least get you straight who wants their happily ever after yeah charming ordered fuzzy nables for everyone when he got to the bar but mabel hasn't made and the rest of the place has been busy threatening him for the last two minutes so where the hell did these drinks come from also is that really a fuzzy navel i thought it's just peach and orange juice but it's got like pineapple and lime i mean it could be a fuzzy navel just like the drink jason bateman orders and game night could be a harvey wallbanger but i'm sending it until i receive confirmation i don't know you but i like to why can none of the other cats speak these cartoons are really gonna have to get to the bottom of this animal language puzzle also man this franchise assumes people have a lot of interest in anthropomorphized sexual activity also also why can't fiona go on this voyage too arthur is her family right and she's been a badass up until now remember that matrix bowl against robin hood in the first movie sure she's pregnant but shrek doesn't know that and you my friend i royally what screwed is that any worse than the frog king thing this movie got away with earlier movie that barely scratches feature length has time for an extended dream sequence better out than in i always say yes you do in every [ __ ] shrek movie when a man has a certain feelings for a woman i know how it happened huh and here all this time my shrek fanfic had him pulling out and finishing on fiona's tits how does it happen dude if you're gonna make this joke make it with a character that hasn't already fathered at least five offspring when have you ever heard the phrase as sweet as an ogre or as nurturing as an ogre we [ __ ] get it ogres are terrible you're worried about that jesus give it a rest how did trek even know where to go harold only got out arthur's name before he croaked and it didn't even seem like lillian knew he existed bro don't burn all my frankincense and man yes at least one of the screenwriters fought tooth and bone to keep this stoner joke in the script congratulations guy who wrote caddyshack 2 and wild wild west by how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not aware of the underpants let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that the only reason you are leaving this on set is because it is a total lie the fact that donkey is even leaving something unsaid is proof enough for me so then i was all like i'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden and go out with you lines like this illustrate why movies like correct should stay at one or two chapters because every single time the dialogue peppers medieval references into modern lingo begins to pile up and become stale man this movie's so derivative of other movies that i totally believe that horse just got hit by a golf ball yeah you better run your little punk no good knicks remind me why we're in high school for this sequence i mean i guess it's tangentially related to the arthurian fable but why [ __ ] high school what sense does this make to any of this goddamn story thank you to professor primbottom and his invigorating lecture on how to just say nay i mean do you see what i mean they got a million of them folks artie a king more like the mayor of loserville geez even when the movie appears to try to be self-aware it's so stupid you think it might actually be serious it's for the poopies babies poop everyone poops beauty i'm adding 100 sins for the poop jokes and the anachronistic way people talk in this movie it's goddamn nauseating also this is a quick ass baby shower right shrek can't have been gone long we've only seen one night pass do ogre babies fully just date in less than a week i don't care what fantasy land you're living in there is no way they could expect fiona to fit into that no way daryan saw these [ __ ] approaching especially since we've seen how she is at guardian castles in the previous movies [Music] i see someone caught the golden snitch what the hell are the trees from anyway if they're ants from lord of the rings then they wouldn't be villains if they're from the wizard of oz then they're really also not villains and they should be sporting apples [ __ ] what someone please tell me the logic of this joke how does chasing people out of a bootery suddenly turn it into hooters i think the joke is that you can easily change bootery into hooters and i'm sorry i just don't get it to the castle why didn't they go there in the first place then they now have to climb up to the castle on foot just because they wanted to do some light looting the only thing you're ever gonna be king of is king of the stupids this line is appropriate because this movie is definitely funnier than the 1996 tom arnold vehicle the stupids and that's about it cookie star talk movie thinks it's got a cool reflective shot but if hook is truly threatening gingerbread man directly to his face this is an impossible angle screw me now everyone in this universe goes to high school it wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that i couldn't exactly not say that the answer is no let's combine all the stuff that's terrible about this movie with the shrill character voices and guys i might have to stop sending this movie it's that freaking awful [Music] this encounter says i have to finish this and i always do what the master says i just figured everyone forgot about me well it did get a little foggy after you left in sync but justifying was the man i'm going back back to what how is this even a struggle shrek's been shown to have incredible strength and movies gone to great lengths to show us what a pipsqueak artie is even if he's in panic mode far far away from you you get back here young man and i mean it guy who will soon be a father learns fathering with the surrogates on during an adventure cliche i was merely a victim of a level three fatigue and at the request of my therapist this is eric idol's voice right because it sounds so much like john oliver that i'll never be able to listen to john oliver again without thinking he stole eric idol's mojo to further his career this is lame ow you're lame somehow the argument between justin timberlake and the director made it into the actual movie i get it my dad left so what uther issues just thought i might help shed the mood whenever the movie finds itself in a rut somebody sings or plays a modern song that was popular in its day but relatively obscure now for all the laughs and inevitably all the other characters hate the song and scorn the person for singing it or playing it this movie is so tired that it's practically sequel maybe it just bothers you that i was voted fairest in the land man in a sea of bad scenes made by talented people in this movie the princess scenes are absolutely the baddest we're gonna get inside and find out what charming's up to how does fiona know that it was prince charming that attacked the castle he was way too far away for her to see him before they escaped and even if she had seen him there were like dozens of other well-known villains that could have been the ringleader but how long have they been wandering the catacombs like minutes right maybe a couple hours but in that time charming's taken over the entire city and carved out an image of his head into the hedges if rapunzel was on charming side this whole time why did she even bother going into the secret passage with the rest of the princesses flipping the bert also movie franchise can't resist the chance to kill yet another bird as if it's got a vendetta or something if the trees are this angry and have been here this whole night then why didn't they attack them in their sleep oh hook's piano blew up the whole plan's ruin run for it even though we have nowhere to go i know you can do it i said forget it character says he's not going to do something before immediately doing that thing cliche i've been abracadabbing into a fancy feast and second-rate sidekick is that an actual plot to this movie or was this entire thing greenlit as is after the first brainstorming meeting yeah you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants i feel all exposed and nasty what the [ __ ] is he talking about donkey doesn't wear pants this is the second time donkey's mentioned something about pants like there's some weird character trait where he's delusional about pants he suddenly wears how did far far away shut down so quickly again it's only been a few days since shrek even left so even though charming took over the whole city wouldn't end up like hill valley and back to the future too that quickly if you need to put five bucks into this machine to see pinocchio then who put five bucks in the first time look at this scene you can see the machine on the left with pinocchio inside of it did the witch that's walking away from it put five dollars into the machine and leave or is this machine a lot he's a star people hello i'm so sorry about this mr shrek this somehow works who told you to stop dancing wow charming got a lot of authoritarian capital out of one rousing speech at the bar and a round of fuzzy navels let me guess arthur how does everyone now know who arthur is when the king only just mentioned him on his deathbed he's an ogre what did you expect whoa hold on now wait just a [ __ ] second are you telling me shrek isn't ogre when did this happen why didn't anyone say anything so they're just gonna let him go uh second rightful heir to the throne charming is still planning on killing shrek right seriously this is the second sad music montage of the movie and by my unofficial count the 47th of the franchise also the song that's playing is damien rice's nine crimes which is about infidelity in jesus movie just because a song is slow and dour doesn't mean it's perfect for a sad moment damn this is a big castle to only have one cell to put all the dissidents in together who that i suppose the general about sleeping beauty is that she's a narcoleptic and i understand that the deal with these shrek movies is to be irreverent and interpret fairy tales in a skewed and humorous manner but knowing that sleeping beauty only fell into her deep deep sleep because of a curse and not because of some sort of sleeping disorder makes me wonder how long anyone thought about giving her more of a character than the tired narcolepsy nonsense [Music] if she could do this why didn't she do it earlier i mean also see there's a whole other cell right there why don't you just lie down this dialogue was personally approved by roger goodell just out of habit this is funny and all but it's guaranteed that when we see all these women again no one will be sporting a pair of pokeys consistent with the choice who would have thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you guys does anyone feel that i think i got crushed by a heavy hand man you think there'd be a better way into the castle than this overly complicated plant like couldn't lillian have just headbutted an interior wall hey how's it going see it's funny because she's ugly even though she's apparently got attractive legs and guys are horny laughing yet he was using me that's all there is to it shrek only said those things to protect you this is one of the only times when saying something or not saying something in order to protect you is actually used correctly but my sins filter still wants to sin it simply because they said those magic words that i hate so after prince charming became king he still wanted to put on this stupid play about beating shrek like he did at the beginning of the movie when he was clearly at his lowest point well not just be king not like he even knew shrek was in line to be the heir the [ __ ] is this movie you're about to enter a world of pain with which you are not familiar really wish they'd given this warning at the beginning of the movie that's actually a very nicely attached thank you do they come in men's sizes this has got to be like the fifth man as a woman joke in the movie but i'm too pissed at it to go check just like every shrek movie the dragon comes into ex-mock and of the proceedings feel like they could just take this dragon anywhere and no one would ever put them during their stupid schemes but who am i to judge i'm not even mad about the stupid poop joke i'm just sad that everyone [ __ ] does this joke and it's neither funny nor clever no matter what character is doing it it will not ruin things this time ogre get it but make sure to do it all slow and stuff so i can actually finish jerking off for once the thing that matters most is what you think of yourself is anyone buying this is the speech really going to turn the tide here god damn it holy this could not be more telegraphed but no one moved a muscle except the one [ __ ] who's chained to the floor yay the guy we've never met nor heard about is going to be king woohoo i have something much more important in mind what so shrek's cool with the fatherhood now he just faced down an [ __ ] that wanted to kill him and let artie take over his king and nothing about that would prepare him for having a kit plus i had a perfect camera diaz audio outtake from vanilla sky cued up for whatever fiona inevitably yelled at trek for being a dick damn it this movie for that alone where's the baby i guess everyone thought this guy was going to be such a hit that the filmmakers gave him another scene at the end that's too bad i was kind of hoping they forgot about him 33 seconds of logo once upon a time a long time ago movie rehashes the preface to the first movie with some narrating near reed hashing a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named fiona goddamn this is the fourth movie in this franchise do you really think we need a refresher why does this animation seem so sucky this feels like a cut scene from civilization 3 which came out nine years before this movie but to put our daughter's life in the hands of this person conversation that should have already happened while riding in the carriage and most certainly before they got in the carriage takes place just before they make their deal i'll be sideways so we all put an end to our daughter's curse jesus what a king the movie acts like he's a good father because he's so distraught his daughter is stuck living in a castle as a prisoner to some dragon but i see a king who just sold out all the people in the entire kingdom just to hug his kid again [ __ ] dick your highness the princess she's been saved so wait while the stuff in the first shrek movie was happening the king and queen went to some faraway place to sign away their kingdom to get fiona back shrek saved fiona and i guess someone from farquaad's place ran to tell the king and queen only to find out they had left and i suppose the king of queen's journey to rumble's camp to sign away the kingdom was well known because the messenger was able to track them down to their exact spot and tell them just in time that fiona was saved ah sir you're gonna have to pay for that that's funny and all but did rumple walk into a bookstore just to read about something he already knew happened nobody needs your deals anymore grumple stinky pants grumple stinky pants they should have called this movie shrek for never laughter why would there have been a need to nail an entirely different block on this sign with an s written on it there was plenty of room to draw on s on the sun happily ever after close enough roll the credits get me a tea time 30 minutes from now and tell my wife to start heating a hot tub up look a shooting star fiona sees the shooting star before it actually shows up in the frame dreamworks pee but it's actually a fish being squeezed by the baby that's the joke which is weird because babies actually do pee on their parents while changing diapers and fish do not have lots of water in the bellies that can be squeezed out and this might be the laziest shrek movie since trek this scene is a repeat of the last one to show you that trex days are settling into a familiar routine but what i'm worried about is a character like puss in boots who seems to have no life other than hanging with shrek and here's the third one this isn't groundhog day edge of tomorrow happy death day or russian doll this is just beating you with a dead trick two of these three babies are drinking out of squashes or gourds which do not have enough moisture to drink from i'm giving that third baby with the red pumpkin thing a pass but i'm not happy about it so he's older now and misses being younger and this is a midlife crisis story crammed into the shrek universe that's not fun it's boring just let me watch city slickers again why does this [ __ ] exist looks like you forgot the candle shrek forever after puts us through this anxiety-inducing birthday party where everything is going wrong and there's this little bastard who's like the where's the baby dude from shrek the third it's almost like nobody trusted the last four minutes of the movie to tell us the trek was in a rut and they went over the top aggravating if you're laughing at this scene you're part of the problem i actually don't know what the problem is but i'll get back to you are there any cupcakes they have lollipops [ __ ] pigs i feel like this would have to have happened on so many previous occasions that should be predictable and preventable but whatever the fourth rec movie's got a movie i wouldn't expect you to understand it's not like you're a real ogre that's ogrist you have three beautiful children he does not [ __ ] me was this asshat just scrounging for garbage outside the shrek household at the perfect time did he have any reason to be here or is this a giant ass coincidence how did rumpels set this up before shrek got here he was hiding behind these barrels when shrek started taking his anger walk and it would have required him running to his carriage getting a goose to carry at max speed to this spot pulling off a wheel and making it look like he was stuck underneath with very little time and even if that's possible how did he know this is how far shrek would sulk let me give you a ride it's the least i could do after all you've done for me shrek falls for this because shrek is super selfish right now four movies into being the hero that saves the day movie makes a joke about shrek being lured in with a drink and then getting drunk before he realizes it and shrek is smarter than that he's also physically too large to get drunk on six eyeball teenies this ogre for a day contract uses english for the title and then all gibberish in the contract's main body it'll be just like the good old days when you're swamped with your castle what rumble is offering is basically peace and quiet for a dick and i feel like shrek could accomplish this by making a deal with fiona like married couples do but in movie world if you have one argument there's absolutely no recourse you either have to endure annoying every day or you have to sign a shady magical contract from a guy you met in a forest i think i fell on my keys first off what keys [ __ ] suck it up didn't we retire that joke in the 90s i think we retired that joke in the 90s i guess this means the bride was as big as shrek so everybody at the service was fooled and the hidden reason for shrek somehow taking the bride's place is that he ate her right picnic dick pic dick pic [ __ ] with cats for no reason is a legit metric for detecting serial killer behavior just fyi how the [ __ ] did shrek get in his cart and put watermelons all over himself and sure it's a cartoon but i feel like shrek wouldn't go this far just to scare one [ __ ] shrek goes all x games shrek's games jesus christ how many wanted posters do you have to put up in one section of forest fiona are you in there this is shrek it's a wonderful life it's weird to me that the protagonists of these movies think anything is the same after being provided proof that it's not like in the first 10 15 minutes don't you think you'd realize that the world is not the same anymore that there's no way fiona is in this tree stone and that somehow mary never found a suitor despite looking like donna reed yeah i guess george bailey was right to question that but all the other stuff yeah the director said let's make that witch throw a grenade looks like an apple it'll make her look like even more of an [ __ ] so the deal with rumple changed history and no one remembers how it used to be but shrek accidentally himself into donkey right away i've never seen you before in my life never seen me before come on donkey you are a toy i mean how do you not know this world is different yet how is it that there are other ogres have other ogres been hiding out during the last three shrek movies man we'd just be crazy and then they disappeared thanos you took the day i was born yes shrek signed away the day he was born but what happened with his mother after the gestation period did she just forget she was pregnant or does this world still operate under the stork union of course we know it doesn't because fiona was pregnant in the last movie as the witches chase shrek through this giant building i have to wonder if i can skip my angry wig having an angry wig also angry wig makes you a discount syndrome you need to calm down taylor swift you've got a friend that worked i've never seen a ogre cry why did you come back though you were terrified and took off running i was tricked into signing something i shouldn't have taylor swift donkey i've read the fine print and there's nothing about an exit clause in here also known as the exit clause machina it's insane that a sneaky magical contract created a totally someone requires an exit clause also just imagine what happens if rumple tells his witches to leave shrek alone and never take him back to the castle shrek never figures anything out and simply ceases to exist at the end of a 24 hour period in many movies the villains need for revenge as a crutch for all the stupid things they do to the hero instead of just killing them in this movie shrek didn't even know who rumple was when he ruined his plans they have no real history let me show you how it's done i didn't spend all that time rounding witches without picking up a few tricks this is the reason given for how donkey knows that rumples contracts have hidden messages in them that being around the witches somehow gave him that information if the witches regularly wrote and delivered contracts for rumple that might make sense but they clearly do not according to fairy tale law if not fully satisfied true love's kiss will render this contract no and void if there's a fairy tale law wouldn't it also require the contract to contain plain language that wouldn't require a puzzle right out of the da vinci code to read also remember pinocchio rumple gave him a real boy contract with the same secret letters written on it so if he had signed it would he have to find true love's kiss too also also here's the contract shrek sign there aren't enough big letters to spell out true love's kiss and the letters this thing does use are completely different in some instances and there's nothing on the back either movie suggests that fiona was in here a super long time because shrek didn't save her but in shrek 2 prince charming was on his way to save her only to find out she'd already been rescued so shouldn't he have found her at least show us the charred remains of charming somewhere in the castle so we know he simply failed and you acknowledge his existence i don't know what's dumber this waffle booby trap that is nearly rube goldberg and its complexity or the fact that this is actually going to lead shrek miraculously to fiona no one will be seated during the count of monte cristo portion of the movie resistance we fight for freedom and ogre's everywhere i'm beginning to think shrek's birth caused this entire ogre population to dissolve because in this world there are tons of ogres and remember it wouldn't all be underground in shrek's old life because there wouldn't be a resistance without rumpel using them as slave labor [Music] nose horns fiona i'm so happy i found you what is this [ __ ] gonna learn about no one knowing who he is i think i'm gonna add 20 more sins for this crap because he continues to do it even more after this and it is driving me insane i know you don't remember me but we're married she doesn't immediately exile his ass and when the smoke clears wait what's this that's my chimichanga stand this chimichanga stand thing is much funnier if fiona knows what it is and it's part of the plant the way this is done it grinds all the story momentum to a halt it's almost as if the writers were saying to themselves this battle plan is much too serious let's give the cook a comedic beat to show that we're still winking at the audience shrek is addictive frogs also that's not how frogs work fiona christ she's the leader of the entire ogre clan and no one is guarding her royal tent he's able to just pop in i have all the cream i can drink once again for those in the back most cats in real life are lactose intolerant so unless you want to cause them to have incredibly smelly diarrhea stop giving them milk good for one free kiss let's cash it now why hasn't she kicked his ass yet or called her soldiers to kick his ass go screaming this little piggy wants to go home how long have you been holding onto that one if the pied piper has a flute with multiple settings including ogres why hasn't rumpel used him before this one taken we used that to clean the toilets so why is it in a [ __ ] bucket full of weapons then and if someone's cleaning the toilets why do they have to go to your training ground to get the proper tool yeah sure it's just a joke and all funsies and cinema since it's ruined movies blah blah blah but you've got to admit this is a terrible place to store your toilet bowl cleaners what a terrible message shrek's advances are unwanted he's been a persistent [ __ ] despite being told no many times and now fiona is falling for shrek through their mutual love of fighting somehow don't try this at home kids until you find true love's first kiss i've been dreaming of a true love's kiss i'll scout ahead wait for my signal this is like the enterprise's captain beaming down on an away mission no one in this tribe would ever let their leader be the main scout it's too dangerous i'm gonna fix everything the ogres rumple your curse how do you know about my curse fiona misses the approaching bad guys because she's got a knife to shrek's throat because shrek said the word curse and this is some contrived [ __ ] horse you don't know anything about me i know everything about you shrek's about to rattle off stuff only someone who truly knows fiona would know or someone who's been stalking her for a while which is exactly what he's been doing the last few hours so i don't know why fiona would think any of this stuff is proof somehow this movie with tons of ogres and this scene of all the ogres dancing sexily to the pied piper's music makes me miss the minions god damn even bruce almighty is jealous of this moon's overall girth i don't care how big your eyes get played it's not going down dj khaled true love's kiss was supposed to fix everything true love didn't get me out of that tower i did the main character and the film's ignorance of what true love means and the lack of acknowledgement by all involved is by far the most infuriating thing about this movie the kiss didn't work because fiona doesn't love me jesus only took you 45 minutes of movie time to finally figure that out god damn rumple is offering a reward for shrek's capture but how did he put this video together so quickly i mean just renting out rainbows is notoriously difficult even if you're a king the kiss didn't work this is what tom cruise and katie holmes thought at first but then they kept at it and eventually everything fell into place your life was so perfect then why'd you sign it all the way to rumpelstiltskin in the first place because i didn't know what i had until it was gone no actually the reason why you did it was because you didn't know what you were signing you got tricked this is a revisionist memory surrender now i'm taking you in nobody's smack but me you're just gonna leave the only two people in the world who can [ __ ] up your dreams in the same dungeon even if you don't think they can reach each other don't you at least put a guard or something in here until sunrise i know rumple's planning for the dragon to kill them but aren't you taking chances that way too why is he making it easier to lose locked up tighter than old mother hubbard's cupboard wait i thought her cupboard was empty why'd she lock an empty cupboard why this guy is an empty-covered analogy to describe lock security i'm no fairy tale law expert or anything i know that true love's kiss is supposed to break this contract but what if rumple breaks it by not giving shrek his full day if he kills him isn't that kind of like not honoring the contract to accept this trojan horse ornament ball thing we have to ignore that donkey concocted this plan inside of the witches without the witches getting suspicious or seeing the plant develop right in front of them that someone was able to roll this thing full of ogres and heavy shields up to the front gate pretending to be a delivery man that rumple ordered a new ornamental ball after the old one got damaged and expected save day delivery remember this movie is all happening in one day that you can simply make a beautiful ornamental ball out of shields and that you can simply make a beautiful ornamental ball out of shields in minutes and for the fact that that was only five cents i'm adding another 500. holy mcu editing batman what in the holy spontaneous trapeze hell is this nonsense she isn't kissing him because she loves him she's kissing him to save his life this movie sits on a throne of lies i understand that everything's back to normal but why did he get to go back before he had his argument with fiona i always thought that i rescued you from the dragon's keep it was you [ __ ] end i'd rather have unnecessary surgery while fully awake than watch any more of this very shrek socks the end credits of this movie are a series of them mistreating the beryllium sphere sooner or later you let your guard down and then flush it's toilet time for tiny town me yes i'm talking to you can you see mr powersh [Music] i love gold they judge me before they even know me i eat because i'm unhappy i'm unhappy because i eat boys i'll send you a postcard from paranoid down the stairs oh well don't stop when you get to the basement keep straight on give my regards to the earth's core you must tie her down on a bed and spank her you must thank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like we have reports of an unidentified flying object it is a long smooth shaft complete with two balls i suppose any grandchildren i could expect from you would be ogres not that there's anything wrong with that no of course not please call me dad how are you doing dad i'm doing fine come on charlie all right away and go with your mother all right and why are you there why don't you try one of her bras on your wee girl float away your fairy i snore last night sometimes i snore when i'm drunk tot round buttocks i'm i'm i'm human again only human again poised and polished and gleaming with charm i'm free i'm free dang it put some back into it people this isn't working if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope i feel you don't mess with me i'm one crazy mofu i had to pop a cop because he wasn't giving my props in oaktown so so just go i'm gone good then i am go i'm gone i am no tree i am you've got two empty yards of coconut and you're banging them together once upon a time someone decided that we were the losers welcome to the losers club eat him get in my belly fox force five fox is in we're a bunch of foxy chicks force is inward force to be reckoned with and five is in this one two three four five of us [Music] you haven't heard the best part she's [ __ ] this prixy this golf pro but she's married fold it together just hold it together keep it together keep it together keep it together keep it together keep it together this wasn't part of the deal that wasn't part of our deal blackheart that wasn't mr burgundy we will be honored if you will play jazz flute for us i was looking at myself in the mirror uh-huh i wish i had

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,081,691

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, shrek, shrek franchise, everything wrong with shrek, shrek funny, shrek bloopers, shrek outtakes

Id: DMo41Vlrocw

Length: 61min 34sec (3694 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 08 2023