Everything Wrong With G.I. Joe: Retaliation In 22 Minutes Or Less

how did they manage to stretch just four logos across one minute and two seconds when i masturbate i'm done in 30 seconds tops cuddling included in case you confused it with run dmz [Music] no delays i mean we had planned on hitting a few museums grabbing a coffee catching a movie thank god you were here to keep us on mission hey you know what's cheap cuts through metal and doesn't light you up like a christmas tree [ __ ] wire cutters that's what and i guaran goddamn to you these palm warmers will never show up again in this movie also i'm sure nobody guarding the base will see these bright flashes of light over by the fence as long as the joke team is quiet this will go unnoticed [Music] anyone ever tell you you fight ugly not from their backs they don't what the [ __ ] does that even mean since the end of the nanomite wars the nanomite wars when was there ever one war in the first movie the joe team sniffed out doctor who's plan and knocked out all his missiles before there even was a war the only thing that got destroyed was paris and absolutely no one who wasn't french cared about that under duke's command roadblock nearest position with virtual reality visual aids ruthless terrorist known as cobra commander and destro wait the government just decided to call this guy destro even though he's the former head of that weapons company wasn't his name mccullen why did they go with the name that the cobra commander gave him just before the end of the last movie it's not like he did anything notable once he became destro he was named that then he went to prison almost immediately retaliation roll cobras not the first time you seen a girl running out of the room screaming that's the first time i've sent two girls screaming from a room dude completely inappropriate everything about this conversation is completely inappropriate roadblock everything we have this location narrowed down to somewhere in this missile assembly building wait you mean the missile they need to track down is in the missile assembly building huh that's weird anyone else missing snake guys yeah i'll be missing snake eyes i'll probably watch hotel transylvania 4 or old instead but most likely i'll be on my 7th evening of space jam 2. i trained with snake for 6 years if he ain't here he's got good reason oh is that how the secret elite gi joe military force works some [ __ ] thinks he's better than everyone else so he doesn't have to go with the crew on their most important mission seems legit i mean what if he's sick or dead you're not going to check up on that put the check check check check check check check this cock's on for some time in the immortal words of vic deakins would you mind not shooting at the thermonuclear weapon what's the difference between this mission and the opening mission in north korea i asked this because in north korea the jews were stealthy covert and went to great lengths to preserve life even at the expense of this lovely teacup here however they've gone 100 murder hobo joes and are capping fools with extreme prejudice what gives evidently the joes have started recruiting jedi knights i see no other possible explanation for how this chap manages to slide into first base and immediately knows to shoot this guy behind him without an excessive infusion of midichlorians being involved how the [ __ ] does this bullet know that the target at scanning is hostile does it have a database of every [ __ ] on earth also i think this is the only time they use the remote control bullet in the whole movie seems like it would be a lot more useful than that like i don't know maybe they could even have killed everybody before they even started looking for the nuclear bomb also also even at a quarter speed this bullet would still be traveling like 400 miles an hour so i'm calling the mouse is capable of reacting fast enough to remotely direct this bullet to its target on top of that this bullet appears to be capable of identifying and locking on two targets so i see no need for this weapon to be in the hands of an expert marksman long-range transportation wheels down to 1900 hours omen time for top shot they should have called this movie if cinemasins ran military ops good job tiny town all that weak combat shooter finally fan off we combat shooter the movie was happy to show roadblock and duke playing call of duty earlier so why this generic title now okay maybe hasbro doesn't want to give activision any more explicit advertising space [ __ ] then why not just insert one of your own games hasbro something equally bloody that also carries a high body count like monopoly i don't know if i'm gonna trust a pastry from a gumbo chef you don't need to trust a pastry at all if you're going to shoot it with an automatic rifle also duke is a dick to gumbo chefs the last time i was in new orleans i offered to make three different chefs the godparents to my firstborn child that's on the rise like your panties you love my panties that's an interesting choice of a joke screenwriter discussion about that joke makes it into the script ah i feel like we need to call this something like two jonathan's for half the price or two for the price of one or dave two i'll workshop it gi joes you're about to be out of the picture and by out of the picture i mean alive on earth what the hell does that mean sounds like he's going to just leave them alone unless he just revealed that this is all taking place on a distant planet i would take away all the sins from this movie and rise the cobra if it turned out they were aliens the entire time my new secret service they want to burn the constitution literally wait please tell me that's not me that is the cobra symbol why would jonathan twice here been the symbol of his evil organization on the men who are meant to be undercover as the president's secret service i know cobra isn't common knowledge but surely surely someone is going to spot that damn it no one's going to spot that are they why does anyone want to be president everybody wants to rule the world i can't stand this crappy movie every line prepare for extraction extraction what do we teach jesus christ did roblox kids write this script extraction is a common military phrase why does every single line in this movie need a bull attempt at a witty retort that goes nowhere see now what would be interesting is if j with her remote controlled bullets could shoot them at the helicopters and either a kill the bad guys or b the bullets don't read these guys as hostile because they are american troops firing on them but we never see her shoot them because that would be way too awesome oh [ __ ] they actually killed channing tatum in this movie now nobody except jonathan price is left from the rise of cobra it's almost like the rock wrote this script and imagine everyone from the first movie was vin diesel are you telling me no cobra personnel can see the remaining joes jumping into this big ass well well the bad guys were fooled by the i don't see anybody's head popping out of the water trick i guess it's time to go home and forget about throwing a grenade or two down the well just to be safe and yeah this guy shoots bullets down into the water but picks the tiniest bit of surface area to shoot at and comes up empty the first time i'll fell with the murder of the pakistani president my order is a covert special forces unit codenamed cobra terminated with extreme prejudice joe command let me get this straight the gi joes allegedly stole the nuke and assassinated the pakistani president and in response to this the president sends in a strike team to execute every last one of the joes shouldn't they been oh i don't know put on trial they make it worse he then holds a press conference announcing this blatant disregard for due process and that branch of the us military assassinated a world leader so they captured snake eyes but they didn't feel the need to remove his helmet or his uniform and we find out later it's not snake eyes but that doesn't mean you leave his entire costume on when you're taking him to jail so deep in fact that you just crossed out of germany in international territory what is this mine shaft at a 45 degree angle germany definitely owns the land under germany temperatures here exceed 210 degrees when not artificially cooled to a crisp 68. unnecessary exposition unnecess position it's so interesting this is where science has come to die surprise surprise it's not snake eyes but storm shadow you know what might have nipped this confusion in the butt early on taking his goddamn mask off before taking him to a german prison although it turns out walton goggins is okay with having storm shadow here so it all works out i'm confused does storm shadow have his own security monitor inside his water chamber even if it's on the outside somewhere why does he get to look at security screens what the [ __ ] is this and this is important for him to see since he's got a buddy outside is about to help him with the prison break and he needs to time everything just right where the [ __ ] did this guy get throwing stars i guess he could have hidden these up his butt but that makes me wonder why he didn't go through the bend over and cough routine when he got here wow these motorcycle bullets and missiles are exciting and get the job done his robot fireflies have busted down these gates and barricades before we got here they did a great job of blowing stuff up earlier so wait did the fire not engulf storm shadow was he on the other side of it can the movie just show us that he's on the other side of the fire rather than making us guess and this [ __ ] gets engulfed in flames later anyway so what a bunch of pointless bull this is the world will cower in the face of zeus if you're cobra why would you brand anything without it being snake related why a sudden jump to greek gods why not call this ship the viper or the copperhead or even the garden snake before you call it [ __ ] zeus you know they they call it a water board but i never get bored i'm really upset that the rock isn't here to point out what a stupid joke this is just one wrinkle three joe somehow survived our little house clean drone picked up voice prince in the indus valley if the drone can make out the voices of the surviving joes surely you can use that to pinpoint their location yet despite this knowledge you aren't immediately sending someone to kill them because reasons man plot armor is the best in case you confused it with tokyo mexico first the massacre in the desert and now storm shadow and cobra commander escaped prison so your training is more important than ever jake's cousin to storm shadow thank you for waiting the expositional sensei will see you now what is the good god damn point of bringing back ray park if you are still going to mask his outstanding fighting skills with a million cuts in hyperediting this is like getting a brand new guitar and only ever playing smoke on the water the longer we wait the stronger storm shadow becomes why don't you just go find him now rather than cramming for some last minute training do you think this extra week or so of fight training is gonna make a difference what this shaman lady has a tissue regeneration machine and what the [ __ ] was the point of all this [ __ ] she was doing to storm shadows back this movie man with this sword you must capture what does the type of sword matter when you're capturing a person will it not count if you use a sword other than this these [ __ ] are walking down a public street in the united states and cobra couldn't find them are you kidding me they get here from pakistan anyway did they walk thank you stu introducing a black character named stoop for the sole purpose of establishing roblox street grid i'll cyber-blast and coded beacon every six hours this movie from 2013 still thinks it can get away with throwing cyber in front of a random verb to create passable technobabble jay also manages to name drop a video game some believe to be a ripoff of gauntlet and by some i mean me so take that then when the joes came recruiting to the hood i already beaten down half of it the joes were recruiting in the hood back in roadblocks early years but somehow didn't know about channing tatum and marlon wayans in the last movie even though they were elite soldiers hey i got something you want to see you better come take a look at this cliche between august 9th and august 19th he stopped using you know and kind of and started using i mean and sort of see his fingers clasp left thumb on top versus right thumb on top how long has lady jay been out here she would have had to watch hours of footage multiple times to pick up the very subtle discrepancies that she's describing here aren't they on a clock also what kind of sad individual would take a video watch it over and over and over again just so they can nitpick every little inconsistency and but that's not all supper became dinner soda became pop whoa whoa whoa he started saying pop instead of soda and nobody noticed that i guarantee you many people would have started asking why the president suddenly changed his protocol we have to assume that there's no one we can trust there is one man there's a reason we call ourselves joe's i was beginning to give up hope on this movie but that all could change if we get to see president biden kicking some cobra ass i don't know who this guy is but how damn does he like hats i get the sense that this is how bruce willis greets anyone when they hand his age in a script and say this movie might require more effort than usual shut your mouth brenda my name's not brenda how'd you get in listen here willis either you're asking how lady jay got into the joe's or how she got into your house option one makes you a sexist chuckle and since you're the one that left the front door open option two makes you a moronic chocolate which will it be then you know i am here the reason i'm here requires me to dump out all these dog tags on your living room table more hats tell me one thing you know about him great soldier well no duh he's a gi joe better friend that's two things we were told about this guy being terrible at poker and how he had a thousand tells but apparently none of that matters because his biggest weakness is being attracted to beautiful women yes they needed to know he was playing a poker at a certain time so they could kidnap him but don't tell us about this guy's poker skills and then not make it a part of the story why are you doing this you wouldn't believe me if i told you who cares you said he was going to forget everything in five minutes anyway snake eyes already beat storm shadow in the previous movie and storm shadow's been injured for the last few weeks and snake eyes has been training hard with rizza this whole time and somehow this is still a close fight ninja parkour impossible to follow action enjoyment shaman lady's biggest advantage here is that jinx is not expecting a little woman to be a threat so why instead of throwing this barely lethal dagger didn't she sneak up behind jinx and take her out and how did she miss remember back when we were told that snake eyes would need to use his special sword to get storm shadow back to rizzo yeah what he really needed was knockout gas sneakiness throws storm shadow off this mountain and he must be dead but somehow this throw translates into storm shadow being on the zip line later and the movie never explains how no one will be seated during the crouching tiger hidden dragon impossible mid-air combat portion of the movie [Music] the only reason they are here is because cobra commander thinks the only place you can get back surgeries in the mountains this entire action set piece of shoehorn into this movie and no amount of badassery will allow me to forgive it there's that crazy snake eyes getting in on the latest internet craze avalanching once again we have one of these scenes where someone tries to get inside a place and the gatekeeper doesn't have their credentials on file in most movies there's some computer hacker trying to enter the credentials at the last minute in this case though the name is already on the list this movie just makes it seem like there's trouble when there's not man this guy's got a real hard on for this amy vandervort and not a sexual way if you catch my drift jay jane now it's pretty clear that jay is not dancing with the president anymore and there's no way she's an actual danger but the movie makes it seem that way just in case you've never seen a movie before is it normal for an entire street leading up to the president's limousine to be entirely unsecured where some dick face can just point a gun at the building entrance and the car and if you're just poking your head around a building wouldn't a secret service person be able to see that good thing for roadblock these firefly bomb things love to chase and piss off their targets first before blowing up or else he'd be dead for sure phew firefly survives this man was able to ride away [ __ ] this movie in case you confused it with the last time you confused it your sword given to you by our beloved heart master beloved heart monster was the name my college girlfriend gave my no no she didn't so wait zartan killed storm shadow's master then he framed storm shadow for the murder and then he hoped storm shadow would run away and find him because zartan knew storm shadow would be this badass warrior who would help him out one day everything about this new evidence seems totally half-assed it leaves out 100 details that would make it more convincing but we're in a brainless sequel of an action movie franchise so i guess this reveal serves its purpose t beeping spent the next seven years trying to outrank him so he'd have to salute me he died before i got the chance you know if it's any sort of a consolation i'm actually gonna miss the red you look real nice lady jay has just shared how her father was a sexist [ __ ] who died before she had a chance to prove to him that women do belong in the army then this [ __ ] thinks that calling her pretty is a appropriate a and b any sort of consolation too sorry your dad was a sexist jerk jay but hey at least your ass looks great in that dress the biggest sin here is that from the look on her face it works ah this movie 100 sits movie never explains what this food is this turns out to be snake eyes and jinx responded to the beacon that jay put out there but surely there's a way to inform the jews you're coming without everyone getting ready to kill each other damn ninjas that's ninjas good to see you brother hasbros was the six square feet of guns under the cooktop more important than the ability to make dinner colton seems to have spent his entire pension rendering his house completely useless and turning it into a thirst trap designed to give gun enthusiasts little murder boners i will admit the kitchen isn't the first place i would search for a secret cache of guns but after you open these cupboard doors it would take exactly 0.64 seconds to work out that it goes a lot deeper than this extremely shallow shelf also is this glued down the stacking here is questionable at best so i'm calling bull that colton's cornucopia of condiments didn't come crashing down as soon as he swung this open this isn't even hidden what's the point of elaborate day-to-day life inhibiting alterations to the kitchen if everything out here is basically in plain sight this joke about joe's house full of secret weapons and every nook and cranny of the house has officially gone on too long ah yes 1776 the year that edward gibbon published his seminal work the decline and fall of the roman empire however i have no idea why that event in particular would be so significant to colton weird for this to work that wall would have to be like eight feet thick unless there's another room on the other side of this wall if that were the case it would be much easier to have eden closet in the adjoining room instead of an elaborate rail system that simulates an erection every time we need a grenade launcher what about you dod says i can't come out of retirement everyone who doesn't know the president is an imposter believes the jokes are fugitives and most certainly would consider what they are about to do an assault on the government in this case i think his retirement status is the least of the dod's concerns i stay with me ask you here with the goal of universal disarmament nuclear zero as long as it has the same taste as regular nuclear i'll be just fine with that this country is at war with you and you and you and you and you and you the movie established earlier that including the u.s there are eight nuclear-capable countries and right here you can see the seven leaders of these countries but i only counted six ewes so who got a free pass u.s nuclear arsenal is capable of destroying each of your countries 14 times over 15 in the case of north korea just to be sure glad they included north korea at this summit so zartan can get his jabs in but if they have a diplomatic relationship with the u.s what was the purpose of the opening scene where the joe snuck into north korea to rescue a defector zartan plays angry birds while the other countries threaten to fire their weapons but doesn't even boomerang that bird i mean throwing the boomerang bird like that is a strategy but not when you want to rock the foundation of that pig fortress high score i know you're being all nonchalant and that's great but don't lie about your high score when you just threw one boomerang bird and didn't even boomerang it he barely killed one pig with that weak sauce that history record who was responsible for this madness history will record it but american schools in many states won't teach it bras french people man they can't even leave the sexy out of their nuclear football those horny why would i translate it it's brass can't get any simpler than that how does a car just drive up this country road to a presidential retreat without getting flagged down well before it gets there london this is somewhere between oxford and swindon now to direct the rod to its target we don't launch a fire we drop it despite zartan and the cobra commander's updated corporate jargon this screen says fire at least once and launched three goddamn times the joes wait until after britain is destroyed before they decide to intervene this doesn't seem to mean anything until you realize that colton's code to his weapon's vault was 1776. this guy that the movie bills as uk leader looks awfully calm for someone who just saw the capital of their country explode nothing matters now but the briefcase keep it out of joe hands why doesn't that gobber commander just take the briefcase himself what exactly is the point of lady jay using a rifle with a silencer if john mcclane over here is just going to start popping off with an unsilenced pistol good thing that agent was as bold as bruce willis i say bruce willis and not joe colton because these agents don't know who's attacking them right now so this fake out is for the sole purpose of fooling the audience nope we need eyes on firefly cobra asap it's a really weird double feature but okay you're the boss zeus satellites two three five and six are locked on target what happened to number four wasn't that the one with the whales that was my favorite if you're gonna skip one skip five we were told in the first movie that snake eyes was one of the most incredible marksmen in joe history but he can't seem to hit the cobra commander's whole body hanging out of this helicopter firefly aren't these guys on your side was there any need to boot him into the water with no prior knowledge to how this device works roadblock's soldierly omniscience allows him to correctly guess which button will not only stop the launch but also blow up all of the satellites also why would the launch override blow up the satellites surely it could just stop the missiles from launching firefly manages to survive more certain death situations than any other character and that's saying a lot but is eventually killed by his own stupidity why didn't he just throw the damn bug away when he realized he didn't have the detonator also do these things even have detonators how would that work earlier we saw them explode based on what looked like proximity wouldn't each one need its own trigger thingy with the world back in order rebuilding has begun around the world around the world i'm pretty sure it was only london that was destroyed and last i checked the british empire isn't what it once was so you can hardly call it the world anymore you're welcome everyone u-s-a-u-s-a what was i saying i'm very proud of you is that really the lesson you want us to take away movie that the key to happiness is validation from an old sexist white dude that didn't support you in your career choice not cool guys not cool you know we'd make a hell of a team you know in the expendables maybe or fast and furious not the gi joe movies though they definitely won't be making another well at least we won't be in it i told you those palm warmers wouldn't show up again ain't no way kevin you've got sneakers seniors go vows to our newest domain of nifty delights and behold commercial sins oh and subscribe immediately so the order goes click sub simple as that oh actually watch the video jesus i guess i need to make a flow chart commercial signs go now do you mind not shooting at the thermonuclear weapons no protocol died with the unit suck my unit [Music] gentlemen and ladies hold the presses this justin by a curious quirk of fate we have the perfect story with which to launch our satellite news network tonight guns lots of guns each satellite contains 10 hollow platinum tubes filled with a tungsten rod oh they were just about to show some close-ups of the rod no matter what you got i can bring you in warm or i can bring you in cold no no

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 356,909

Rating: 4.9079108 out of 5

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, gi joe, gi joe retaliation, cinemasins gi joe, cinemasins gi joe retaliation, everything wrong with gi joe retaliation, gi joe retaliation reaction, gi joe move review, dwayne johnson, channing tatum, bruce willis, cobra commander, the rock, g.i. joe: retaliation, gi joe movie scene, gi joe bloopers, behind the scenes, g.i. joe retaliation, snake eyes

Id: M8_vNcRLRr8

Length: 23min 23sec (1403 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 20 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

This is pretty much just a generic action movie starring Dwayne Johnson...I just finished the video and I don't remember anything that just happened.

[u/Coug-Ra]

“Headshots of Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis looking exactly like my balls.” ding ding

[u/BionicTriforce]

This movie was perhaps less creative than Rise of Cobra, but I think it's the better and more enjoyable movie of the two. Even if it's more predictable and standard. At the very least they gave Snake Eyes and Cobra better helmets, cuz god they sucked in RoC.

Side note, wtf they're making a Snake Eyes movie? I'm surprised I missed that.

[u/zero_ms]

I remember watching both of the G.I. Joe movies, and I liked the first one more. Mostly cause they swept Tatum under the rug and placed The Rock in the lead role. And I like The Rock but damn this movie is way less interesting than the previous one.