Everything Wrong With Cloud Atlas In 24 Minutes Or Less

oh lords of night and babbitt's ballin wind binderbone haggard hanks harks haphazardly hoping humanity heeds his hyperbole question one oh it's gonna be one of those kind of movies that just hops all over the place be bopping and scatting all over me distracted driving what the [ __ ] am i doing here don't ask me halle berry ten seconds ago i was on a beach following a man with a top hat affliction and seconds before that i was sat around a campfire living out the alternate ending to castaway i haven't been this lost since that time my parents dropped me off at ikea with nothing more than a rusty compass and an encouraging jeremy be free while my extensive experience as an editor has led me to a disdain for flashbacks and flash forwards and all such trixie gimmicks typewriteration also i'm sorry movie but no amount of self-awareness and self-deprecation will save you from being seen for what is one of the most confusing ass opening sequences i have ever seen and i just watched primer i believe that if you dare reader can extend your patience for just a moment you will find there is a method to this tale of madness the following three-hour feature film would beg to differ the movie's biggest weakness is its source material when reading a massive novel it's much easier to keep track of many characters in different settings and time periods but a movie version has to cut a lot of that down and it's going to bounce around between stories and settings and time periods so much we end up just hearing blah blah blah whenever they say anything important do you know the price a quarter pound of these will earn five cents your version of the truth is all that matters thing i tell myself every morning as a mantra but also to help me forget about that indecency charge ends up in the script wouldn't it have been easier to introduce these six disparate stories without with the timeline as well this is complicated enough to follow without also having five of these introductions take place at their respective conclusions tenet called once it's migraine back if this is room wouldn't it make more sense for six smith to be the one escaping through the window fact forever sure is leaving the country all together why does he care what the hotel staff thinks anyway he could leave through the front door what are they gonna do kick him out yes thanks for the waistcoat i needed something of yours to keep me company ah yes nothing says i love you like a waistcoat there are three lamps on in this shot and yet the entire scene is darker than the lyrics to my middle school gothband's one hit song my urethra this movie jumps around in time more than a bill in ted movie [Music] murder foreshadowing for murdering murder shadowing the rest of this particular storyline straight up only happens because of this accidental meeting and it is insane to me the broken elevator conveniently gives six smith and rey time to explore her journalistic background which will in turn inspire him to ask her for help in exposing hook's unsafe nuclear reactor it also allows six smith to exposit the location of his niece a piece of information rey will later use as a last-ditch effort to expose hook's evil plan none of this happens if rey oh i don't know takes the stairs or waits for the next elevator thank the lord for plot-inducing elevator malfunctions it was the night of the lemon prices not the lemon prices oh my god let's go hello this vulgar irish john travolta thing that hanks is doing here just does not work at all i won't be needing this anymore i know the daily mirror is hardly a bassy and tasteful journalism but i struggle to believe that even they would be allowed to publish this graphic picture of a bloody dead man on the [ __ ] page of their newspaper also did the bartender having just witnessed hoggins murder a man decide the next appropriate course of action was to serve him a drink and then immediately start taking photos of him what's up timothy cavendish i presume cut with your cacks down is that really surprising you just broke into the man's bathroom this is a perfectly acceptable place to have one's cacks down what do i do for felix fench the law put finch's murderer in prison now admittedly that's perhaps little comfort for a dead man but these guys are acting as if they can kill with impunity ordinarily i begin by asking prisoners to recall their earliest memories why to waste as much time as possible i say you speak consumer surprisingly well this movie really needs to work on its definition of surprising if the sole purpose of the fabricants is to satisfy consumers wouldn't it be a relatively simple yet crucial feature for fabricants to fluently speak the consumer's native tongue what else would they be speaking yeah she speaks mandarin here but if it's restricted why make that her default purpose or servers have just one possible future you mean exaltation could you describe this annual rite of passage this guy is answering his own questions like some kind of a screenwriting exposition monster who woke her siri why would a seer wake a server why does radio shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries do you ever think about what it must be like up there with the consumers up there there's so much room where babies burp and flowers bloom i'm gonna go ahead and say that the restaurant forcing these girls to wear these uniforms is ultimately as responsible for this kind of behavior as the person performing said behavior this is gruesome this is the far future can't you put something in her brain that kills her without all this blood and gore in front of kids and families jesus also that guy with the pen trigger was hugh grant in super heavy asian makeup and i have questions concerns and more questions the movie wants to tie its stories together theme-wise by casting the same actors over and over in heavy prosthetics or makeup but all it does is pull me out of each storyline when i see blonde maybe white halle berry and female nurse hugo weaving or asian hugh grant god damn it the director said let's have tom hanks eat an apple while narrating the scene so that everyone knows he's the good guy wait that's not right ain't no blade can protect you from the true true the true true native now i guess hughes playing the cultural appropriator in this movie tom hanks watches his brother and nephew get slaughtered to save himself and i'm sending the movie for trying to make me think that was wrong he'd have died too you dicks prescience come bartering twice a year their ships creep crawling on waves just floating on the smart of the ordinance but when a civilization with technology this advanced be it inherited or not possibly me from a primitive group of valley dwellers and goat herders yes i know maranam is here on her own mission but how did this bartering process start does the tribe have a particularly good goat stew recipe painted novelty footballs what why words slink and slide off a tongue when we need him most why movie talk missing words act like new language genius discount susan sarah because now it is probable that the enforcers and the dna sniffers will find out about you and if they do if they realize your connection to uni 939 you will be excised how exactly are the enforcers going to figure out any link between yoona and sonme it's barely a link to begin with all they did was watch a clip of a movie together in a cupboard and you know it was killed before she could even give that information up also what use would a dna sniffer be these fabricants all live work shower and sleep together they'd be covered in each other's dna but you have a choice you can remain here and risk being discovered let me guess or she can climb out the window and up the scaffolding to the roof yeah seen this movie before here is a woman trying to sleep with a nightstand lamp turned on and a mysterious skylight that funnels the moon and starlight directly over her head if you want help you kill i just the same is true you know it false equivalency but he's got a point too so old six smith has written a report about a nuclear reactor that is classified and he's about to die for it and all i can think about is what i'm gonna have for lunch she sends the hotel employee to go call the police and i have questions first why can't the hotel employee use the phone in the room if you're worried about fingerprints she probably has gloves now second sending a hotel employee away and staying alone with the body only serves to make ray more of a suspect in the murder third is this the ugliest color palette for a hotel room you've ever seen or what mauve wallpaper burnt orange ceramic sink olive green chairs it's like the 70s meets pea soup tampering with the scene of a murder you are a runaway slave and i am a lawyer how do you imagine we could possibly be friends exactly fantastic point well made who in their right mind would want to be friends with a lawyer jesus javier gomez what did i tell you about jumping onto my balcony why do you leave the door open if you don't want me to come in javier would be great at cinemasins p.s best news of all i've started my own work only just now this is the cloud atlas section roll sex tits i assure you this is completely innocent completely innocent i promise i saw an old guy from the future looking in through the window my only logical option was to protect your daughter with my bare body like a human shield the erection oh yes well that's slightly harder to explain and by heart i mean flaccid i mean placid i mean wow have you seen the moon sure the nice night yeah yes sir no doubt the weather sure is unseasonably warm tonight also why did this cat ever seem like a valid penis protector i can count at least eight other options that don't involve animal cruelty are less wiggly and are also not likely to what were the chances that she still lived in this house stalking also that wallpaper my god tom hanks is always running cliche wait that's not right tom and halle speak future ease and i'm just gonna skip just sign right here this retirement psychiatric facility says this and this only and he signs and then he's committed and can't leave that is a bull that's not how it works when you commit someone you love that is beyond their wits and this guy isn't even beyond his wits understand wanting to conceal using the prescience technology to cure catkin the prime directive non-interference etc the unfortunate side effect is that this witch doctor medicine man is going to think he is a genius for curing her and will probably be worshipped as such and that my friend is how you get ants i mean religion your food is in here it's not what you're used to but i think you will like it considering son me is used to eating soap i don't think that claim is as surprising or impressive as you might think this roman numeral means 2012. now we find out later that the ghastly ordeal of timothy cavendish is based on a book written by cavendish which covers events that happened in 2012 this means that he had to write the book get it published and then get said book turned into a film and released in the same year okay not impossible but the man is hardly stephen king i am nurse nukes you do not wish to cross me discount nurse ratchet stole away this is stowaway even if he suffering nuggets really that can't possibly be true anyone that silver nuggets would literally be everyone's best friend until they die even if they'd previously killed a couple popes he told me their goal was the creation of a free world fabric and yuna had failed i was the last hope for the billionth trillionth time in cinema history we are watching the story of the one humanity's only hope or whatever it may be in this version however i have no idea why sonme is their last hope papa song didn't seem to have a shortage of fabricants why can't the alliance keep trying with those also other than being curious i can't see anything at all that is distinguished on me from her other fabricant friends in fact she has yet to show an ounce of free will between being coerced by unit and to watching a forbidden movie and being convinced to flee the holodeck hotel by high ju she's turning out to be a pretty fantastic example of how not to do free will i have to say if all lady journalists look like you i might start to take this uh women's lib thing more seriously lloyd hook survives this okay uh you wait here and i will go and find someone smarter who can uh walk you through the details now i know a mustache twiddling bad guy here just showed he had zero respect for women but would he really be dumb naive enough to leave an investigative journalist even one with a wound unattended for any amount of time especially mere feet from the office of the man he just had murdered also i call [ __ ] that rey was able to see diddly from where she was standing all the way over here can't erase a movie from your filmography and still expect to keep the superpowers catwoman and the waitresses who had the same face sound more like pearl jam lyrics than anything i need to know about this movie honestly looks like the prometheus school of running away from things got new jerseys and new gym equipment this year sweet she's being asked to go outside a tall building on trust this is the matrix this works either hydro has bullet repulsing skin or this ship is being piloted by a stormtrooper i do we later learn survives this it appears we have an addition to our crew what are you telling me that was an actual audition and why was he going to have autua killed mid-attempt if ewing hadn't taken action up two would be dead great work captain cowell that's a compliment but it's still super racist hey boss how are we gonna get the red sunset we want for the scene on the balcony green screen baby that's why they pay you the big bucks sir who are you just to grip the key grip no sir just a regular grip you're fired freedom the fatuous jingle of our civilization but only those deprived of it have the barest inkling of what it really is the opening line of amazon's employee handbook somehow makes it into the script of this movie there's a natural order to this world fabricant and the truth is this order must be protected the dialogue here is already ripped from the matrix but having hugo weaving deliver it just hammers home how much this movie lifts from the wachowski's previous works there's no good choice here is there the choice dr goose is about to lay out is between losing his job or the possible millions of deaths caused by a nuclear meltdown jesus this guy must really love his job you have to do whatever you can't not do okay but if dr goose can't not do the thing he's not supposed to not do how many packs of pickled peppers can he be expected to pick or not pick for mother goose and dr seuss sips oldens got the smart the master sick and seeds make miracles fly across the sky while we're on the topic flying across the sky why the hell does marinem need the help of forest dwelling gump at all perhaps they don't have the flying ships left behind by the oldens but surely the prescients have some better way of finding monosole and the ability to drop marinum off directly how does one shut off all the streetlights on a bridge in the 70s yes this is the bridge to the chemical plant but that doesn't mean the city gave the plant full control of the street lights on the bridge i can understand that ray might have lost sight of the car chasing her as it moved through her blind spot and alongside her but the damn thing still has a [ __ ] engine she must have heard that getting closer oh man this is exciting i hope the guy in black wins no i mean that one no not that one that one no no the other guy oh wait no you're right that one running courtyard packing suspense ladies are not just really good pickpockets by nature you know extraction is one thing but movies always make pickpocketing look easier than it is believe me i've tried perhaps i've said too much why did i take it exactly can't say an intuition a sense of significance that from this point on there was no going back i mean you could always now stick with me here because this is a bit wild put the gun back you know i don't need this i don't need this entire storyline but i definitely don't need these two religious questing idiots rock climbing with manufactured tension like a little stumble and some rope burn christ when did the wachowskis forget how to shoot action try on the legacy of the cloud atlas uprising god now we have a hovercraft he's probably taking her to see the oracle right now excessive force confirmed excessive is an odd descriptor for a set of kill orders who defines what is excessive moreover why is excessive ever the goal excessive just guarantees you've used more force than you need it the pacific journal of adam ewing aim that's one of the other stories in this movie and here it's literally propping up the leg of this story's piano and that is pretty emblematic for how this movie takes what could have been subtle connections between stories and crams them down your throat with a heavy hand they're trapped in the damn way we've got them so by trapped you trapped unless they escape through any of these easily accessible escape hatches nay the right never stay dead especially if you're hugo reaping over here was more than happy to blow up an entire plane to make sure he killed dr goose but couldn't stick around and make sure rey was 100 dead because plot and before she died she spoke of her acts and edens i wish this far future way of speaking was a priceless ming voss and i wish that vos was displayed near my home so i could go and visit it and steal it from the museum and deliberately smash it to bits in front of a group of school children that whom i would then repeatedly shout in an al pacino impression whoa and then i would get arrested and ultimately the judge would have to decide how long to send me to jail but at my sentencing hearing i leave the defense table and i run at the judge screaming before being contained by the bailiff and given more jail time due to a contemptible court charge then i get thrown in solitary because this guy at ciao tried to take the last chicken patty before i got any and i'd laying down close to his plate and y'all who are at the chicken patty itself but solitary was a breeze easiest time i ever did because i was no longer listening to this insipid and annoying pigeon english [ __ ] for that darkly sweet meat suddenly old georgie is horny guess he wants to stop halle berry's character but earlier he was suggesting killing her and now he's suggesting screwing her old georgie needs to pick a lane also old georgie is i suppose the raw and feral side of charlie is his name charlie oh who cares but that suggests that charlie's own mind was wanting to sex this lady instead of help her that doesn't compute is old georgie real is he a ghost the lucky charmed mother after 100 years without cereal now it's too late wait hour back to advising a killer jesus now keith david is asian and yes i know the filmmakers explained all this away by saying the actors were portraying the same souls across boundaries of time and race but i think we all know that excuses some faux intellectual [ __ ] on fire why would big oil hire lloyd hawks to run a nuclear reactor hooks doesn't want the report discovered because he doesn't want the reactor fixed he wants it to fail let's talk about the bad guy's plan somehow most if not all of the major oil companies have joined together in a grand conspiracy to kill millions of people with a nuclear meltdown to prove that nuclear power is too dangerous thereby securing their own future profits for decades to come actually makes a lot of sense can we make sure this isn't something that's actually in the works please the metal artichoke turns into a satellite dish and squirts off a bit of blue space sperm headed for god knows where and i don't know about you but i'm turned on somehow the sunsets on the boat are more realistic than the ones on a balcony from earlier come on luiza first rule of mystery writing a good clue always leads to another clue that's mystery writing though kid not real life you think you're in a scream movie or something honestly people of the world who the [ __ ] keeps their spare keys trapped between the visor and the roof of your car who does that all for one and one for all i feel like this is what we would get if the creators of wallace and gromit made a fast and furious movie and i'm kind of here for it however any comparison to the fast and furious franchise earns you an automatic scene there is no need for ray to turn around and continue to stand right in the middle of the [ __ ] road there's a very high likelihood that the outcome of this stunt is napier completely missing supreme leader smoke speeder which means he will plow straight into rey thus killing her as originally intended then who's going to lead the new wave of jedi no wonder this film is so divisive wait am i in the wrong movie where'd he go i don't know why are you asking him how did you not see where he went was there something more interesting than the escape of the man who's been paid to kill you happening across the road how did neither of you see his ass running down the road open this poor bastard's car door and then shoot him maybe he was looking in that exact direction also convenient road sweeper is [ __ ] convenient why did the shawshank crew park their escape car in full view of the mother road park it back behind the pub ditch it in the field anywhere but here god damn it also did they just stop at the first pub they found and grab a pint declare victory okay if your opening line is no immigrants here i am definitely assuming there are immigrants here he just killed a dog the evil doctor on this boat starts exposing his entire evil plan to his victim which of course is his undoing tom hanks is always getting his evil plans undone by over expositing right at the end wait that's not right how can a trained assassin have such atrocious aim how's he staying work i mean surely it's harder to hit the handrail ducky factory that was convenient but not entirely unexpected bloodlust why you'll ask it's absolutely simple there is gold in your trunk i want it so i have killed you for it hey do you want to know what isn't absurdly simple this [ __ ] plan dr goose has been gradually poisoning ewing for what seems like weeks under the guise of curing him so that he can steal all of his money can't imagine this poison comes cheap gotta be easier and cheaper ways of killing ewing especially at sea this whole place is filled with things trying to kill you every day no one will be seated during the one-on-one below deck wrestling match during a storm that is shot and edited by the tasmanian devil what exactly are you gonna do zachary run over there and hide i think they'll have that covered the movie makes it seem like tom hanks just ran from the top of the mountain back to his home village in just a few minutes even though the reverse journey took days luke skywalker eat your heart out how many sawed-off throats does one need to see in a movie i vote none recycled fabricants are a cheap source of protein so they've fed us to ourselves in order to maintain their army of clones some clones are killed so that they can be turned into food to feed other clones which are then turned into food you get the picture this seems wildly unsustainable and if the workforce is so valuable how can they afford to kill bits of it all for food bringing your feet to a horse chase thankfully for the sake of justice six smith also mailed a copy of the report to his daughter granddaughter whoever the [ __ ] which if you think about it makes all the halle berry endure the last hour of this movie all for naught no she got pushed off a bridge into the river and nearly drowned our lives are not our own from womb to tone we are bound to others womb to tomb was also the name of a student film i made back in college it started a young day batista and was set in a maternity ward during a zombie apocalypse entered into a few festivals won a few awards nearly got me arrested we don't speak of it anymore like solzhenitsyn labouring in vermont i shall beaver away in exile unlike solzhenitzy i shan't be alone i'm all for a happy ending but my god cavendish must be the luckiest man alive apparently sometime soon after he escapes from the care home he knocks on ursula's door who just so happens to be living in the same house she did 40 years ago and is invited in for tea and crumpets to be told yes she has a family but is fortunately divorced or widowed and then falls back in love and moves in with him while he writes a book that gets published and turned into a feature film in the same year comes the story set in the present day the least believable story of the movie man the future really does beloved some concrete fire dying just as well my yawning is done these kids just listen to a story of slavery oppression boning murder corruption more boning more slavery the brutal slaughter of the storyteller's own tribe and family more boning and they want more even if we assume that zachary only shared the bits that he witnessed which doesn't seem to be what the movie is telling us these kids are [ __ ] up for wanting more this movie is 2 hours and 51 minutes long hey you yeah you do you want to play sports for the prometheus school of running away from things but aren't sure you've got the talent needed to make the squad introducing the prometheus intramural leagues tryouts are being held soon for a variety of ball related sports so grab your shirt and meet us in the gym this new shirt is on sale now just click the merch link below or head to the shop at cinemasins.com you

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 241,813

Rating: 4.8641434 out of 5

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, everything wrong with cloud atlas, cloud atlas, movie bloopers, bloopers, funny bloopers, outtakes, funny movie bloopers, funny, movie bloopers outtakes, movie bloopers can't stop laughing, cloud atlas review, cloud atlas movie, cloud atlas scene, cloud atlas explained, cloud atlas 2012, tom hanks, halle berry

Id: Dcj0dlqz324

Length: 24min 48sec (1488 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 08 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/MarcusMcballer]

Everything wrong? I’ll save you time…they made the movie

[u/ROBOT_B9]

Was the video too long, so that's why the outtakes were in a seperate video? I have to admit, I like it all in one package...hope this isn't a permanent thing.

But, disregarding that, this was hilarious. Never even heard of this movie and was so confused at what went on in it.

[u/ZyroCrystal]

At 10:17, "MMLXII" does not stand for 2012, but rather 2062. Roman numerals are hard, eh?

[u/bshaddo]

Even though the San Francisco segment took place a dozen years before “Real Genius” came out, it features Tom Hanks in full Kent cosplay. This is my favorite movie the Wachowskis made, but I demand an explanation for this.

[u/[deleted]]

I always like to guess the next week's movies.

Clue are 90s Animation and Early Aughts comedy

90s Animation: Hunchback of Notre Dame

Early Aughts comedy: Old School maybe? Or Legally Blonde.

[u/HasaDiga_Eebowai]

No outtakes?

[u/NotAPreppie]

Is it weird that the only time I've heard about Cloud Atlas is in a Rick'n'Morty episode?