Everything Wrong With Catwoman In Meow Minutes Or Less

I may be in the minority but when a superhero movie starts off with Egyptian hieroglyphics in an effort to give back story I know I'm about to watch a bad movie we get it very as long as history's existed there have been furries did you really have to spend the first three and a half minutes of the movie explaining the obvious damn this music has me nostalgic for some 90s softcore porn Cinemax Gabriela Hong 2 a.m. with a class at 6:00 try to make me go to sleep it all started on the day that I died preparation also narrator tells you about their own death at the beginning of the movie cliche if there had been an obituary it would have described the unremarkable life of an unremarkable woman and by remarking on it would have contradicted the idea that it was unremarkable paradox [ __ ] but there was no obituaries because the day that I died was also the day I started talking man damn you could have just started this narration with the day I died was the day I started to live and that would have given us everything we needed to know we still would have seen the spout of it but we wouldn't have had to sit through all that talk about obituaries you destination for this cityscape shot this very real building in realz ville reality on truth Street located next to Veritas Park I don't know if this series of running into people going to work thing is supposed to explain that she's clumsy or scatterbrained or what but she's running into way too many [ __ ] to get the point across I was supposed to be an artist by now instead I was designing ads for beauty queen the nonstop narration the Metro hustle Young Achiever trying to find their way are we sure this isn't a backdoor CW arrowverse pilot we will launch the most exciting and revolutionary product why do we need a special cut for the word exciting here why is this beauty product announcement directed with such feverish intensity journey now imagine hiring a new face of a beauty product you're about to launch and you have Halle Berry working right under your nose and you don't even consider her careful George she's not old enough to drink good to see even Sharon Stone is getting into the over-the-top sphere of the movie do you see movies where great actors go to find out what scenery tastes like look at this red it's all wrong I wanted it doc okay fine this character is a petty [ __ ] but this is a super easy fix right we're not in the Mad Men days when they had to painstakingly lestrade an ad movie artificially inserts bottom of the totem pole villains so that when Halle Berry becomes Catwoman she'll have somebody to practice her new skills on for meowing good to see that patients got right on those ads to fix them immediately and has time for her personal painting Jesus Christ lady this is an obvious cat ninja and doesn't need your help if you're so concerned then call animal control even if you successfully reach the cat how are you gonna grab him and get him back to your apartment with your hands full as you might have surmised from the seven cuts it took to make this scene the probability of reaching out with one alarm and grabbing someone who was already falling and saving them is probably super low rescue somebody else's cat well that's something else Jonathan Pangborn would be excellent at cinemasins but aren't you wearing the same clothes you were wearing yesterday and come to think of it so are all your coworkers it's almost like that cat saving scene was supposed to be the opening scene of the movie but it got moved around and no one wanted to do the reshoots you know scientists they're worse than models you have to cuddle them all the time like today children that's scientists man sandwich she even working on that deeper red thing was that a priority or wasn't it you drop something I mean you were like 20 feet in front of me when I noticed the wallet and I've really tried to catch up to you but Forrest Gump when he was running from those bullies so I figured I'd stalk you at work don't be I noticed all the art in your department so I googled it when did you go to the office according to the movie you came straight here man make one decision to move scenes around and it screws up a whole bunch of stuff am i right you gotta love this movies desperate way of telling you what time it is it's eleven forty three guys seventeen two minutes and patience is toast look at the screen saver say what kind of business are they running over here that patients has to drive over to a completely separate building somewhere else in the city to deliver this new Dierker red advertisement there in this huge building already why can't this be delivered via internet and print it out later is anybody in there is a guy in a suit standing outside his car in the parking lot you might want to ask him how to get in or send a message to someone inside or not don't worry about it I'm sure there's an open door somewhere oh come on slavicky when did you grow a conscience and when did you have time to work up this in-depth graphic presentation of all the secret farías effects of your creation that likely involved several third parties and certainly involves documenting criminal activity better question why I don't care that the FDA never saw that the headaches in that and the nausea that the fainting spell weird I've gone all three of those symptoms watching the scene high-tech company supremely concerned about security has the front doors locked but a random restricted area back door completely unlocked with no additional security measures cliche I'm on my way seems like this limo driver slash security guard could have stopped patients when she got here since his boss was in a meeting discussing evil I think it's possible he was too busy looking in only one direction when she got here anything happening behind him is not in his purview until he gets a call I think maybe I'm in the wrong dumbass limo driver could clearly see that patients was going to come out and talk to them but instead of waiting for a good shot he immediately pulls out his gun as Suzy sees her head pop out and misses like a dick sealed the door glad you asked me to do this in addition to limo driving and assassinating I know every detail of how this waste treatment facility works and look here there's an unsecured key panel right here beside me what amazing Locker movie fails to give a take drugs now warning for people about to watch this see [Music] the CT cat March is scored like it's the most important moment in the history of cinema meanwhile cat videos on YouTube still exist so no sale moving the michelle pfeiffer transformation didn't make any sense and Batman Returns but I like it a lot better than this fake cats magical his spread so far I've learned that cats appszoom vision live in the uncanny valley and can leap 30 feet in the air I love documentaries where he also learn stuff patience got the bad one anastasiya magic salon is really the person she needs to get exposition from it said that mouths have special powers we're 30 minutes into this movie and it's done plenty of caddying and a bit of womaning but is somehow still trying to exposition us on how exactly it plans on Catwoman we get it she tried to save the magical mr. Mistoffelees than she died and then he and the rest of the Jellicle tuna brother back to life again gave her superpowers tangentially related to feline pursuits can we just move on now I'm genuinely not sure if I'm disgusted but funneled or turned on by this this movie is disco arousing meanwhile 2004 was over here creating Venus hand trap sweaters and we were all just fine with them what the hell is wrong with you Phillips you never delivered the design this is all because patients couldn't change an ad to a darker red in less than 16 hours and she couldn't find a courier to deliver it to the murder building by midnight and she had to deliver herself and George wasn't even there so I guess she was hoping to deliver it to Laurel I know a movie like Catwoman isn't concerned with the machination of an creation and delivery but the gaps it leaves open to create an origin story or super-wide also I keep thinking about that car that she left in the parking lot last night something should come of that right even if it's to acknowledge that she can't drive around anymore [Music] apparently this entire office wants to get fired because there was no way they would be this public about celebrating her disdain for the boss maybe in private but not the sloughed Lee after he just left the room oh yeah this is the second DC film where toxic cosmetics figure into the story somehow love and basketball also a forty goddamn seconds of dribbling and some sort of keep-away bull that's supposed to be flirting I guess also also while we can't play the song it's a little troubling that they went with the mystique song during a storm scene I guess everyone is so enamored with Halle Berry in the scene they didn't see the extremely unnatural way she just made that basket it's weird watching power so far the CGI in the editing doesn't help so it looks out of this world but if like Jackson Pollock drank 40 cups of coffee and animated while on a centrifuge it's important for a character who has just been through this kind of transformation she has to power she's lost her job to reset where is she at what does she plan to do dead the movies been showing her basketball skills with Benjamin Bratt and obsessing over the minutiae of quirky cat behavior and just as she was about to learn about her condition with Ophelia power she left it's pretty annoying she can fix it super cop movie somehow takes one of the most badass women in the DC Universe and turned her movie into a run-of-the-mill 90s romantic comedy produced in 2004 what the hell warder there's no way those [ __ ] heard her say hey across an alley with music that loud I guess everybody realizes the patience isn't someone to be messed with so they allow the host of this party to be attacked without anybody trying to wrestle her off of him also I guess now that patience is finally winning life we should be okay with her stealing some dudes motorcycle I'll come on there are people robbing the joint right now what are the chances this is why real jewelry stores bulk the good stuff at night then have alarms and video security should be pretty obvious by now this is not a real jewelry store you've always thought you could come in here and steal all these beautiful things what a perv dia hey I just realized something this movie is terrible I knew 2004 was a while ago but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the adults in the original Toy Story look realer than this years ago my only phone and watching these scenes is watching them in slow motion like when Catwoman swings her left leg at this guy and misses him and he doesn't react until after her foot is completely gone past his face either die a hero or you live long enough to see a superhero movie worse than Batman and Robin I know you're in pain man but the gun you were going after is still right there is this what we're really saying there's some sort of Jekyll and Hyde thing going on with her because I don't accept that and if her full-fledged Catwoman self stole all this then why did she put back the mask after beating up all those robbers so wait you're concerned about the stole but you think you might keep a ring and that necklace what's the point ain't no such things as halfway crooks politically if any crime takes place in the city tom is the only detective they ever call and now because the character has taken 45 minutes to catch up to the opening credits exposition we get to watch it all over again yay I was a professor for 20 years until I was denied tenure please do go on midnight new your fate it's why she tested you to see if you are worthy of the kids she could kick it wait that cat knew that patients would die because of her high-risk job creating ads for beauty cream and the best way to test her was to see if she would be stupid enough to walk out on a Ledge to save a cat that's not hers not a lone child he saved others before you know he just said midnight was a she also I'm going to show you some pictures or the others that midnight has saved but instead of walking down stairs and giving you a folder I'll just make it rain here's independence total confidence in human reflexes Dan this movie sure likes to tell us things we already know doesn't it it's like they thought the same will show then tell then show some more then tell again just in case comic book character climbs to the roof of a building for quite contemplation cliche some movies are pretty male gay Z and other movies are so male KZ you don't even have to look to see if I'm Ana directed it and that that man was probably from France cut scenes okay so after running around on rooftops for the last couple of minutes she just happens to find this limo driver guy mind you she doesn't even remember what happened to her on the night she died so how does she know this person is important so just cream that's super clever that's like when I order my bacon cheeseburgers with no bacon and no cheese clam a laugh riot at Wendy's this movie hyper cuts everything even when all Catwoman is doing is looking around now that Catwoman is at the bar she has a whip on her hip but all the way here when I was paying attention to exactly the area of her body the movie wanted me to she clearly didn't the cheek Andra won through sheer sensuality we use the figurative term unwatchable for many movies this movie is as close as it gets to being literal this one punch has seven cuts it takes six cuts to show him falling down a wall this movie's basically makes the MCU look like 1917 I'm gonna add a hundred thousand since it's too bad that janitor came by at this moment to see Catwoman hovering over the dead guy this is going to turn into a personal vendetta when this lab holds its election for class president and patients throws away two ballots for Tracy Flick during her vote count awesome later we find out Sharon Stone did this and this is a convenient moment for her because now Catwoman is going to be framed for this murder but what was her plan a Catwoman didn't exist an order for her to take over the company she's going to have to kill her husband next and she's the primary beneficiary of its death the point is I'm pretty sure Laurel had no plan the plan was for the movie to frame Catwoman and she didn't need a plan man that janitor gave me perfect description of the person that he only saw for a couple of seconds and low light stopped using this why cuz it's making you sick trust me so I will throw it into the trash in a room where my addicted friend will never be able to reach down and retreat it I'm just wondering what took him so long to figure this out the sari she wrote on the coffee cup and the paper bag full of jewels was pretty clearly the same guy in love with a woman as hot as patients who saved the coffee cup would have seen this connection immediately I'm trying to think of better titles for this movie than Catwoman because this is just a romantic comedy basically she's all cat when Tommy met Hallie my big cat Greek Wedding what Amaya now detective no oh man that when men tell women that they're not suspects in a murder case that's when the panties come off we interrupt this lovestruck couple stuck on a ferris wheel cliche with a simple question Sharon Stone in this movie I could have sworn Sharon Stone was at this movie wait did this movie just turn into final destination I was a carnie for 10 years before I became a policeman of course I was at the guest rear wait booth and not a ferris wheel operator but I think I learned enough none of this tells me anything about how patients got here and the film isn't interested in showing her actually doing the stunts so let me pull out an old nugget there's pictures or didn't happen take it easy partner I'm sure the mom said thank you a million times on screen but no goodbye thank you that's kind of rude right your entire lineage was saved is it though so this carnival has its ferris wheel almost collapsed and killed several people with a cop on board mind you and they don't clear it out to investigate instead people just continue walking around with their balloons ice cream and stuffed animals of Warner Brothers licensed characters I guess Catwoman's heightened senses couldn't detect the amazing stealth of Sharon Stone disease jaw I wouldn't [ __ ] a sink or sink a [ __ ] with it seriously though what the hell kind of metaphor is that how can I reach you well I'm not exactly listed take my phone take your phone doesn't this mean patience is just going to be getting tons of phone calls and texts from a whole bunch of people she doesn't know these superhero puns are so bad Mr Freeze is suing for intellectual property rights also how the hell did Warner Brothers go from this in 2004 to Batman Begins in 2005 resist the urge to date children born the same day they invented the cell phone but this sounded great in the writers head until he found out that cell phones were invented in 1973 in this movie they'd be 31 hardly robbing the cradle it's important to observe proper application technique when putting on face cream like having a bear leg extended as far from your body as possible in a high heel for reasons what I am anymore and neither does this movie that was back and forth between cheesy superhero trash and rom-com so fast I'm getting literal whiplash in different special like that about you know skip I guess there's a few things I need to explain skip thing scrap man who knew Tom would end up being such a cat wait if he was here the whole time having sex with patients who was solving crimes in the city Wow Tom leaves to go check out a lipstick sample and bam Laurel calls right after that to tell Catwoman to meet her so that she can frame her for her husband's murder just imagine if they went down with Tom still here Laurel would have killed her husband and they would have likely been no Catwoman to frame I'm all a stupid techno nonsense to Everett nonsense it's techno this is the techno nonsense just barely even a smudge on that glass Plus even if you could match a lipstick smudge on a cheek to that lip smudge on the glass those prints are from two completely different sections of the lip goddamn this movie is so aggressively stupid at least pay a semblance of lip service to reality please these [ __ ] were already here how did they not hear the gunshots when Laurel shot George before Catwoman showed up what's better than news position giant nose position on a random outdoor television that for sure really exists Vicky had evidence it was toxic it's as good a time as any to say you mean is probably the stupidest name for a beauty cream I've ever heard well I find it hard to believe the patient's can fit through these bars I find it even harder to believe that a famous suspect like her doesn't have guards watching her also this bar is either clearly rubber or Halle Berry's boobs really do turn everything to jelly wait what he's teleporting now can cats teleport oh yeah common thing in jails open windows on the floors where you keep the holding cells okay lands on her feet what the hell did that guy do jumped in front of it he stops just in time and then checks to see if you're okay and you throw him to the ground and steal his car is it because he has a penis it's because he has a penis isn't well fair enough I guess tomorrow's launch Beauty Hey your husband died just last night beauty products catus ex machina for sure but how the [ __ ] did she get up here I don't doubt she could beat tons of ass and get in this office but did she even do that she just [ __ ] appeared out of nowhere and how did she know Laura would be in the office I think Tom just beat that dude up can anyone verify that for me movie was glitching out there for a second it was me skin so this is the best villain this movie could come up with a woman who uses a toxic Beauty cream or her skin becomes really really tough I promised I would send this literal catfight finale if I could even tell what the hell was happening I guess all that be lean made laurels body look like a stunt dummy when falling from a great height patience is backing us how about Amara morning you awfully tough to prove this she was Catwoman of course that's because nobody decided to check up on her in the last three hours or so that jail she's at is the [ __ ] worst I thought I saw Catwoman topless and I lost five hours a time also who's in charge of the paragraph intentions on this newspaper holy that's a lot of space see sometimes I'm good and so the movie chooses to leave this world the way it came into it with over-the-top sensuality narration and CG that has me begging for a cat to come claw my eyes out nevermind untamed and unafraid is the gift that I've been given my journey began yeah but we didn't really get to see what you actually wanted in this movie do you want to steal jewelry fight crime I'm not sure a true desire was expressed I guess you were hoping to explore that in the sequel sequel and we have a Bruce Almighty moon to end the movie the bright thing in front of Catwoman is impressive too and let me try the remix [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Music] why are you not using I don't have any clothes all right make sure you click that Bell icon but clicking the little bell icon is how you make sure you get notified every time we release a video so click it French is my favorite fantastic language especially to curves nor did you to pretend bothered about the celebrated Canal Dock unit that may exist it's like wiping your ass with I have no idea why I expected your art to show better taste than your wardrobe well I think that depends on what you know it wasn't a question vaginal intercourse is it's just taps it's the bee's knees Meg oh when you rattle it around just right oh my god videos presented I have a serious brain disease please give me a cat that's good work everybody that comes in there has got a package under their arms some guys are carrying suitcases full of snuff you okay a girl like me lands on her feet you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning the same thing that happens to everything else I detective you make it sound like I'm a suspect what are you gonna do charge me with smoking

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,362,297

Rating: 4.933434 out of 5

Keywords: catwoman, halle berry, batman, sharon stone, wb, dc comics, selina kyle, superhero, warner brothers, dc, wave jockey job, everything wrong with, eww, cinemasins, everything wrong with catwoman, eww catwoman, halle berry catwoman, catwoman review, movie, movie review, catwoman 2004, catwoman 2004 movie

Id: c1gAWY2_4aY

Length: 21min 33sec (1293 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 30 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

I'm just amazing the Sin Counter survived this one.

[u/Malakay_sun]

That movie must have done a number on the guys. I never saw them give out 100000 sins for one flaw.

Really good energy in this video. There is nothing like gleefully ripping apart something awful.

[u/Coug-Ra]

“This movie does not contain a Batdance.” ding

[u/gmoneyy420]

laughed my ass off at this one

[u/dumahim]

I'm shocked there wasn't a "Discount Christoph Waltz" sin there.