Brilliant to be here. Look at y'all out there. Well done, you be... you put your, your white people over here. Nicely done. Good, well, and you have them here in the middle as well. That's all good stuff there. Oh, and you kept it consistent over here. Good work! (audience laughs) It's a good thing I'm here bringing the diversity. (audience laughs) So I've done over 200 shows and no Irish people. I can't tell why. Maybe just Irish people like a dry bar. No. No, no, no. (audience laughs) (audience claps) I'm in a dry bar and I can't say any bad words. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (audience laughs) But I have been acclimatizing. Well, I am four buckets of popcorn deep, so anything could happen. (audience laughs) It's great being an immigrant here in your fine country, though it's really quite a contrast to Ireland. When I grew up we had pretty much 0% immigration. I was the brownest person for miles. Just a hint of a tan, they were like, "Look at him. "Suspicious." (audience laughs) And now we have 17% immigration and we are the only country in the whole world that doesn't have a single political party in parliament opposing immigration. The only one. And we can't. Because we have shagged our way into all your family trees. (audience laughs) Many of you don't even know it. (audience laughs) Until that day you get your 23andMe results. (audience laughs) You're just like, "Dude, dude. "You're not going to believe this. "Yeah, I'm like 17% Irish. (audience laughs) "This whole time I thought "I was a Filipino." (audience laughs) And then they are like, "Well, that explains the drinkin'." (audience laughs) Cause you do, and I didn't know this, when Americans mess up drinking, they blame my people. (audience laughs) I don't know if you've heard this they'll be like, "Oh my gosh, "I got so wasted on Friday night. "I don't remember a thing. "Must be my Irish genes." (audience laughs) So, I looked it up and it turns out the three top selling beers in America are Budweiser, Bud Lite, and for variety, Coors Lite. That's not an Irish genes issue. That's a credit score issue. (audience laughs) (audience cheers) We, we really do shag our way in everywhere. Like if they make Black Panther Two, there'll be an Irish guy in Wakanda. (audience laughs) We turn up everywhere. And that was a real pivotal moment for America. It was about time like 14.6% of Americans are African Americans. That was your biggest minority group. That movie Black Panther, gettin' a superhero. I thought that was amazing. Who is the next biggest minority group in America to get a superhero. And I looked it up and it turns out 11.6% of Americans think they are Irish. (audience laughs) That's 35 million people. We only have 5 million people in Ireland, (audience laughs) and we are not ready for a superhero. (audience laughs) What would an Irish superhero do? You're like, "Look at him. "He just got drunk and "successfully drove home. "There he goes. "There he..." (audience laughs) "He is a superhero "why didn't he fly?" And you're like, "Oh no. "Mostly Filipino. "Couldn't handle the drink." (audience laughs) If's funny though. America will teach you things about yourself sometimes as an immigrant that you you didn't know. Like I arrived over here and it turns out I am just another white guy. (audience laughs) I am meant to have the white guilt. (audience laughs) I don't have any white guilt. (audience laughs) Like in Ireland, we had potatoes in the ground. We picked them ourselves. (audience laughs) We never went to like another continent, stole all their people and made them pick the potatoes. That would be crazy. Who would do that? (audience laughs) We don't even have Chinatown in Ireland. (audience laughs) We let them live with us. (audience laughs) We are woke as feck over there. (audience laughs) And that is a lovely clean word. It's spelled with an "e". We use it lovingly and liberally in Ireland. We are emotionally attached to it. But it's funny. I use it to describe sometimes, just... In America when you come here as an immigrant, sometimes it seems divisive, unnecessarily so, like sometimes you guys just split things, that don't need to be split. Example, day drinking, night drinking. (audience laughs) That's just drinking. (audience laughs) No wonder you are no good at it. (audience laughs) Ah, but it's important to be woke in this day and age. I love all that stuff. It sounds a bit weird, but it's important. Isn't it? And I was lookin' it up and it turns out Ireland, we're all, we're already as woke as you could really be. We were the first country in the whole world, by popular vote, to legalize gay marriage. (audience cheers) It was kinda cool when you think about it. Isn't it? One of the most backwards, homophobic, steeped in Catholicism country (audience laughs) just put it to the people and collectively asked them, "Gay marriage, "should we make it legal?" And we went, "Yeah, why not? "Go on." (audience laughs) And we didn't want to stop there. A couple of years ago we found this guy who's half Indian and gay, and we put to the people. We were like, "Look at this fellow. "He is half Indian and gay. "Should we make him Prime Minister?" And we went, "Yeah, why not? "Go on." (audience laughs) And now he is in charge of Ireland. (audience laughs) That's woke as feck, isn't it? (audience laughs) Cause if you come over here sometimes and you go to like, Albuquerque or Alababma or... (audience laughs) One of those other intellectual hotspots, that you... (audience laughs) You'll hear them. They will be like, "I don't know if we are ready "for like a female president yet." I mean what? In Ireland we had 21 years of female presidents. We were the first country in the world to have back to back female presidents. We have moved on to half-Indian, gay people. (audience laughs) We are woke as feck! (audience laughs) And I can't even say that word over here in America. Just say, they lock, they lock eyes with you know? And they are like, "Oh my gosh, "did you just drop an F bomb?" (audience laughs) Your people blew up Japan, (audience laughs) twice. (audience laughs) My mother came over here to visit me in America we were sittin' down watchin' television and out of nowhere she just turns around to me and she's like, "David, do you have of "those cannabis cookies?" (audience laughs) "Cannabis cookies? "As it happens, I do." (audience laughs) And I fed her two of them. Which I know now, was a terrible idea. (audience laughs) And she just started telling me, it's hard to get information out of Irish people sometimes. You really have to drag it out them. She just started volunteering everything. She's like, "David, what do you "think of that gay marriage?" And I was like, "Oh here we go." And she was like, "Nothing new to me. "I was the first lesbian "to get married in Ireland "back in 1970." (audience laughs) I was like, "Does dad know about this?" (audience laughs) And she's like, "Oh yeah. "We were gettin' married. "Your dad, Patrick, of course he had... "couldn't find his "birth certificate anywhere. "We needed that "for the wedding, you know? "Couldn't find it. "I think he was just trying "to get out of it. "I don't know. "Tryin' to find the birth certificate, "and we couldn't. "Now luckily enough, your dad "had a dead sister, Patricia. "She died when she was two." I was like, "Wait a minute, "Dad has a dead sister, Patricia?" She's like, "Oh yeah, "don't worry about that. "Not central to the story." (audience laughs) Like that sounds pretty central to me. (audience laughs) And she is like, "Oh yeah so, we couldn't find "your dad's birth certificate, Patrick, "but we had Patricia's. "And the priest, "he didn't have the best eyesight. "So, technically I am married "to your dad's dead sister." (audience laughs) I was like, "That really is woke as feck." (audience laughs) Takes a bit of getting used to over here as well, a lot of things, but the datin', I have had to be puttin' a bit more focus on of late, because I am around that stage in life where I should be settlin' down and havin' a greencard. You know? And... (audience laughs) So you have to... The datin' over here is mad. You guys love unnecessary activities. Like outdoors, very different to Ireland. In Ireland you see a mountain, you tend to just leave it alone. (audience laughs) But never do we feel the need to cover ourselves in Lululemon merchandise and Patagonia jackets, (audience laughs) and fill every available orifice with Cliff bars. (audience laughs) As if you might starve in that two hour period. (audience laughs) And drag your potential mate up to the top. All the way, only to point down and be like, "Look at the view down there." And you're like, "I know. "That's where I should be." (audience laughs) But don't be... It does rub off on you, this outdoorsy lifestyle over here. I was, so I was tryin' a... I ended up kite surfin'. Have you ever seen that? The like of it. If you haven't seen it basically, you grab a snowboard and you attach it to a giant kite, and you slide across the top of the water like some modern-day, Red Bull-sponsored, extreme Jesus. (audience laughs) And... (audience laughs) Oh, it's great stuff altogether. And I got a video of meself doing this and it was under The Golden Gate Bridge. One of the world's most amazing landmarks. I says, "If this doesn't get positivity "out of the Irish people, nothing will. "I'll post this. "They're gonna be likin' this one." So, I posted it. And the American comments, you guys are unbelievably supportive, they're like, (American accent) "Oh my gosh that looks amazing. "Looks like you got the perfect day. "I hope you had a great time. (audience laughs) "It's like, kite surfing, "always wanted to learn. "Invite me next time." (audience laughs) Irish comment, "I hope a shark "bites your man parts off." (audience laughs) And that was my mother. (audience laughs) Should have never given her the weed cookies. (audience laughs) But the dating, it worked out kinda decent. And after I dunno how many years of tryin' I ended up sittin' nearly 15 years in the naturalization interview to become an American. (audience applauds) It's kinda cool after all the effort, ya know? And I was... Thanks! Well hold on now. We don't know how it worked out. (audience laughs) You do be a bit nervous about it because you come over here, and you'll see in the media all this talk about building walls to keep immigrants out. And I am like, "Well, I am an immigrant. "I'm a bit nervous about doing this now." And I walked in and the guy greets me and he is all serious, kinda military look to him and he's like, (American accent) "Sir, we are going to "start this examination "by testing your English." It's like well, that seems a bit unnecessary. (audience laughs) Right, and he says, "This sentence. I need you to read it." I was like, "Okay." And I read it and it said, "Who was the first president "of the United States of America?" And the answer was there as well, George Washington. And I read it and he said, "That's it. You passed." (audience laughs) I was just thinkin' this seems rigorous. (audience laughs) You know and I didn't want to get a bit angry about the process and him testing my English because I realize no one understands me most of the time, in your fine country. And I knew this, so I took affirmative action. I learned Spanish. (audience laughs) It's a pretty good plan B. (audience laughs) And it has advantages to it. Now I get served much faster in Panda Express. (audience laughs) And some of you'll think that's a racial comment. And it is, yeah. (audience laughs) It is clearly based on a two billion dollar a year enterprise founded under British colonialism in Hong Kong, relocated to Kansas City, where they predominantly, nearly exclusively use Latin people to sell Americans fake Chinese food, rapido! (audience laughs) Just clearin' that up. (audience laughs) But I was a bit nervous about the whole thing and he comes at me with the second question and he was like, (American accent) "Sir, now I am going to "test your comprehension. "I am going to read you a sentence, "and I want you to write it down." I was like, "Okay, I'm ready." And he is like, "George Washington was "the first president "of the United States of America." It's just like, "Are you jokin'?" He is like, "Sir, this is a serious process. "I assure you, I am not joking." So I just wrote it down and I was like, this is... This just seems too easy. I was kind of expecting a curve ball, because I am a Spanish speaking minority... (audience laughs) So I am nervous. And it was six general knowledge questions and he went through them fast. They were all ridiculously easy and it all hinged on the last one. He just locked eyes with me and there wasn't even a flinch of humanity in his eyes. He just looks at me and is like, "Sir, last question, who was the "first president of the "United States of America?" And I was like, "George Washington," and he was like, "Well done, sir. That's it." And I was like, "You guys don't need to build walls "you just need tougher questions." (audience laughs) So, it would be way easier. But since you're a welcoming country overall, though, you know, to be Irish over here, is a special feeling. We turn around and you're celebrating our national holiday, St. Patrick's day. It's amazing! And we are like, look at the spirit. These people are all getting involved and then we realize, hold on a minute. Are they calling it, "St. Patty's day"? Patty is a woman's name. Patty, spelled P-A-T-T-Y. We have Paddy, our patron saint, P-A-D-D-Y. You can't go all Bruce Jenner on our patron saint. (audience laughs) We wouldn't do that to you. Could you imagine? You just turned up in Ireland and you're like, (American accent) "Hey guys, what are you celebrating? "This looks like a really good time." And we are like, "Oh yeah, "it's a big day here, "we are celebrating "Martina Luther King Day." (audience laughs) Just one little typo there. And I woulda turned one of the greatest leaders in history into a lesbian tennis player. (audience laughs) One little letter, big difference, there, right? And then I really hone in on it and I am like, "Wait a minute, does it say, "Happy St. Patty's Day" "in a four leaf clover?" What has, you know those green things with the sides. And four leaf clover... Four leaves... They are lovely. I mean it looks nice, but it's got nothing to do with Ireland. We love a good shamrock. Very central to Irish culture. Three sides to a shamrock. Four leaf clover, nothing to do with Ireland. That's the equivalent of me getting a tattoo on my arm of a pigeon and being like, "Go America!" (audience laughs) Be a bit random, wouldn't it? Such a difference. I've been trying to get into your American sports over here. You guys are amazing at sports. In the last two Olympics, just for consistency, in each of them, you won 46 Olympic gold medals. 46! And look at you, not a single person cares about that. (audience laughs) Not even a mild reaction. (audience laughs) Like, if Ireland won 46 gold medals, I would be drunk in a field somewhere. (audience laughs) Do you know how many we won? Do you know? You've been a structural engineer your whole life. (audience laughs) You'd be good with numbers. How many do you think we won? - [Audience Member] Uh, three? - Three? I love the positivity. Good. No, no, no. We won one, and that was for women's boxing. (audience cheers) Woke as feck. (audience laughs) It's funny when you get to citizenship and you become an American, but people always still ask you... Especially when you come over here, who have also gone through the same experience. We are like, but how did you really get here? How did you get the green card? How did that all come to pass? How did you become an American? And it takes a bit of explaining, but... The conversation I had that lead to it, I would love to do that kind of accent for you. But I am so nervous doing any form of accents in America at the moment. It's just one of those times, isn't it? Like, if you do a bad job at impersonating an accent, you're a racist. But if you do a good job, you are multilingual. (audience laughs) That is a fine line to be walking, isn't it? But I met this girl, and I don't want to put a country on her for you to say it, but she was kind of, it was like the Republic of Coachella meets Burning Man, as a... A certain type of individual, you know? And the enthusiasm was just dripping off her, you know? It was the equivalent of a Trader Joe's worker at a checkout, you know? You know that moment where they just unnecessarily lock eyes with you and try and emotionally connect with you over the contents of your basket, kinda. (audience laughs) Have you had this where they are like, (American accent) "Oh my gosh, sir. "This organic, arugula, cranberry, "snacking chocolate, divine." (audience laughs) What? They sense like a false human connection between the two of you, a kinship that isn't really there and they just lean in. Take it even further. "Do you ever get really stoned "on the weekend "just cover your body in aloe vera "and eat it out of your underpants? "Do you do that?" (audience laughs) You're like, "No I don't, Carl. "No." And they are like, "Do you have any plans "for this weekend?" You're like, "Oh yeah. "I am gonna take me and you "and put some serious "distance between us." (audience laughs) Yeah, it's it's ah... So anyway, I got chattin' to this girl. And we always get asked the same question when we come to America. It's always, what do you do? And it sounds weird to us, because we are always used to where are you from? Where's the accent from? What's your name? We would never start off with what do you do? And this girl, straight away, she was like, "So, what do you do?" And I didn't want to tell her, you know? And she sensed this, in fairness to her. So she was like, "You don't want to tell me about you? "Fine, let me tell you about me." (audience laughs) What? And there was an audible disappearance of wind from this room as this lady opened her lungs to fill them to capacity. (audience laughs) To facilitate an amount of unsolicited information. (audience laughs) Right, and she just locks eyes with me. She is like, "Well, "I graduated like 4 point GPA "capa, gama, delta, Stanford University "and I used to run track there until "I got a little bit out of shape. "I started drinking a lot. "I think it was my Irish genes. "Yeah, I just found out "I am like 17% and then, "when I was growing up, "my mom used to spank me. "She said it was in a loving way, "but I never felt it was in a loving way. "So I developed a slight "dependency on Adderall. "Actually, a very large "dependency on Adderall, "but then I found Tony Robbins "and the power within, "I just really changed... "I took a chance and I bought "a ticket to Burning Man "where my playa name was Space Bart "and I did mushrooms and "iowaska for the first time. "It was a totally enlightening experience. "I came back and I managed to get a job "with a private equity firm where I have "a solid, but diversified 401K plan. "I really focus on the foods "I put into my body. "A lot more arugula, "gazpacho and spinach. "I start to do yoga therapy "where I just bend over, "and do downward dog and I cry. "I just let it all out emotionally. (audience laughs) "I managed to wean off the Adderall. "Not totally. "I still take one in a while, "and lastly, I became a vegan. "To be honest, "I don't have the energy to walk, "but spiritually I can fly." (audience laughs)
