EASTER Ah, the mighty Easter is upon us again. Did you know that Easter is by far the most likely annual holiday to give you type 2 diabetes? And also is by far the most likely to fill the shops full of crap that's loosely shaped like rabbits, eggs, or young chickens. But hey, that bit's good for us, because we like to point at such things and laugh. Beginning with this. "Hopping Bunny," everybody! Now, the more eagle-eyed amongst you at home may have noticed that it's not a frickin' bunny, it's a chick! Pity they didn't notice that in the factory, really. I kind of hope it hops, actually, because if it doesn't, that means both words on the packaging are lies, which is a 100% truth failure. How many sad onions? Naught to three, there's a surprise. Come on, then. If you don't hop, we're going to be very disappointed. It actually looks vaguely realistic, I suppose, in a way. Other than the big clockwork thing sticking out of it. Go on, "bunny!" Hop for your life! Anyone would think the sofa wasn't designed for this kind of thing. Moving swiftly on: How about some edible Easter grass? Imported from Germany. Don't really know why you'd want this to be edible, or in fact exist in any way, shape, or form, but hey, the rabbit's pleased about it. Although - oh, I was going to say it's got some sort of weird armored chest, but actually it's carrying an egg. With only two colors, it confuses us. "Fills a basket!" Yes. Also fills a dustbin, I imagine, and it will probably be doing that shortly. Ingredients: potato starch, cornstarch, modified cornstarch, starch, STARCH! Basically, it's potatoes, it's starch and, uh, phenylalanine. Ooh, lovely. Looking forward to tasting that. Some nutrition facts: Basically contains 100% of your daily dose of things you wouldn't eat if you had any sense. "Great for baking and crafts." Yeah, that's exactly what I thought when I saw this. Distributed by Galerie in Kentucky, product of Germany. So this was made in Germany, shipped to America, and then shipped to me in England. Brilliant, that's one of the best uses of world resources I've ever heard of in my life. So presumably, judging by the picture on the front, when you make your egg basket, you put this in there. And then when you eat your eggs, you can eat some of this. What is it actually like? Just shredded sugar paper, surely. There's a very faint hint of like a false strawberry taste. And then it's just the obvious fact that you've stuck a load of potato starch in your mouth. Thanks for that, Germany! That must be revenge for our many wars. Right, what's next? Oh, something nice! That makes a change. Now, I'm going to briefly explain Mini Eggs to you. Mini Eggs are a Cadbury's confectionary that are, as you can see - well, you can't see inside them, so I'll explain what's inside them. They're basically little chocolate eggs covered in a crispy coating shell stuff and they've got this little dappled effect so they actually look like eggs. Aw, aren't they nice? And they're very tasty. Why am I showing you these? Because Poundland are selling these. 60, approximately, decorative eggs. "Great for decorating!" Yeah, stick them on your walls. Now, sort of a bit of a similiarity here, going on, wouldn't you say? In fact, they obviously look exactly the same. The difference is, of course, these are made out of bloody polystyrene. Which are the real eggs? Which are the fake eggs? I don't know. So why are Poundland selling what are quite obviously things designed to look like confectionary that you can't eat? Do they really want kids to shove their mouths full of bloody polystyrene? Smacks of weird desperation. Well, that is the hint you get from Poundland. Ooh, I found a chocolate one. I'm gonna eat that one. Mmm, very nice, too. So yeah, does polystyrene expand in water? Is this actually going to choke a child to death? I do wonder. It seems a very strange thing to exist. But hey, it keeps the kids on their toes! Hey, want some eggs, kids? Some of these will kill ya, some of them won't. Take your pick and find out. Absolutely lovely. I wonder actually if there were 60 in here. Well, there's one way to find out. 1, 2, oh sod that. Right, what's next? THE GOOSE! Bet you weren't expecting that, were you? I'll be honest, I particularly wasn't either when I picked this up from the PO box. "You choice. THE GOOSE. Try me function." OK, if I have to. "Latest technology, special style. New edition." "Specifications, colours and contents -" [laughs] Brilliant. "Specifications, colours and contents may vary from illustrations." Right, two points to that. The first is, that's such an absolute denial. You really only need to say "Contents may vary from illustrations." That does cover all sins. And secondly, you're basically saying that there could be anything in this box and these pictures on here have nothing to do with anything that may be inside. Thanks for that, Zhen Di, with your mustachioed... Pegasus elephant. Blimey, that is odd. Right, so what does this thing do, then? I don't know, that bit isn't telling me. Neither is this one. There's lots of precautions. Oh, there's "Bump n' Go." Oh, good. That means I get to put it on the kitchen floor. "The head can turn." Well, I'm sold. "Lamplight beautiful melody. The whole body will swing." Whether you want to or not. "Lamplight beautiful melody." It's just gonna go beep, beep, beep, isn't it? "Will lay egg." Now we're talking. "Use 3 AA batteries (bot included)." Wow, we get a robot to put the batteries in for you! Fantastic! "Bump the shot, will turn a corner." Will he really? "Bump the shot." Oh, right, so it hits things and then changes direction. Fair enough. And "install the egg." Right, so when it's pooed out the eggs from there, you stick more in its back. Just like you would with a real THE GOOSE. What else - ooh, other flavors are available. You've got Chinook with teeth. Angry hen. Demented duck. Good God, I don't know what that's supposed to be, but I wouldn't want one swimming up me arse. Another duck or goose. Jolly cartoon dog on a bicycle thing selling ice cream? What? Substandard Woody and Bullseye. A street-sweeping dust cart thing? Fair enough. Yet another duck. Armored personnel carrier, of course. Different flavor of Chinook, and um, what is that? A sort of a Tefal Nemo? Not entirely sure what's going on with that. Come on, then. I want to see THE GOOSE, who sounds a bit like a police informant from a '70s gangster film. Ah, take it out and it's already had its neck wrung. That's nice. There we are. You're back to life, goose. Neck wringing action! [imitates neck snapping noise] Lovely. Just like being back on a farm. Well, um, it's got wheels, and, um, it's got a... Is this bat - no, that's where the eggs go in, isn't it? Yeah. Wow. Eggy goodness. Presumably they come out of a flap. Yeah, there's a bit of a bum flap going on there for the eggs. And, well, I'm slightly frightened to turn this thing on, actually. It has a slightly weird air to it, but hey, we won't know what happens until we flick the switch. Oh, and I haven't put the batteries in yet. [clears throat] I feel a jump cut coming on. Ah, here we go. Apparently these things work a lot better when you remember to put batteries in them. Also, I've changed the camera angle so you can see its beautiful face and neck fat. Right, let's hear the lamplight melody. I'm guessing the theme to Tetris. [THE GOOSE plays "I Like It" by Solid Base] Bloody hell. Wasn't expecting that. Wow, I was expecting beeps. [THE GOOSE makes honking noises] Oh God, here we go. Oh dear. [startled] [laughs] ["I Like It" resumes playing] Bloody wars, this thing's lethal! That'd have a child's fingers off! So the duck flashes, sings this bizarre song - sorry, goose, not duck, THE GOOSE - and then... [honking] ["I Like It"] Ah, bloody hell! How smart is that? Well, I think we're gonna have to take this for a test in the field. ["I Like It"] [honking] The miracle of birth, everybody. Bloody hell. Actually, I'll tell you what I think THE GOOSE actually is: a dog worrying machine. A very efficient one, too, I'd imagine. "Anyway, I'm a bit peckish now," he lied. It's just another bloody food thing I've got to do. Oh goody. Haribo Easter Fun Cupcakes. "Cupcakes swirled with buttercream and decorated with Haribo sweets." Thanks, Haribo Gold Bear freakish monster! Now I wouldn't think these would be too bad, as Haribo is a well-established company that makes jelly sweets. And, you know, 50p a cupcake, it shouldn't be too bad, should it? Well, here's the thing that worried me: "Best before 31st of March, 2013." I think I bought these back in, I think, February, actually. So these things can apparently sit around for months in this not-airtight packaging and not go off. Therefore, they must be almost entirely comprised of devious chemicals. And also, I was slightly taken with the fact that if you look at this sticker here, there appears to be some version of GLaDOS eating a carrot. Anyway, let's try a cupcake. I'm sure they can't be as bad as I probably think they are. Well, Haribo sweets. These will be all right. Look, it's a rabbit! Ooh. Actually, it's not up to their usual standard. It's kind of, um... Ugh, it's got almost no taste to it, and I don't know, it's somehow less dense than they normally are. Very odd. What about the buttercream, which I imagine contains no butter at all? Actually, can we find out? Oh my God almighty. Icing, sugar... No, it has got some butter in. Hey, it looks like Play-Doh. It smells like Play-Doh. And tastes... Like Play-Doh with sugar in, yeah. Pretty much as I expected. They can't go wrong with the sponge bit, surely? They can and they did! It's kind of a little dry, um... Doesn't taste like anything baked by human hands. I think actually... Yeah, I think if you explained what a cupcake was to a robot, they would produce this. That's what I'm gonna say. Let's try one of the gummy things without the white on the back. Oh, that's a bit better. Slightly denser. Well, marvelous. I would have some chocolates to take the taste away, but frankly, it's a bit of a lottery - Oh, no, hang on! Ah, if you look at them very closely, look. The real one has slightly lighter spots. Hooray! Mmm, now I can't taste Haribo anymore. And I can share this moment of joy with my Palm Pet. "Hold me to hear me chirp." Tremendous. "Looks and sounds real." No, it doesn't look real. It doesn't look anything like a fricking chick, and it's got a bow tie on. Real chicks not well known for wearing bow ties, or having giant tags. Wow, it's like a broken synthesizer already. What's the deal? Oh, I know what this is, right. Open 'er up, take our super-realistic chick, put it in the palm of your hand, and it crosses these two contacts and... [chick makes chirping sounds] it makes really annoying noises. Over. And over. And over. Again. Brillant. That's my pet, apparently. Thanks for that. Actually, I can show you a magic trick with this. I'm gonna do it like this, ready? Put that there, bring this along - dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! [chick makes distorted chirping noises] Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! Da-da! Happy Easter, everybody!
Holy shit. Thanks for the link to that video. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. :)
Plug for /r/ashens
For anyone who doesn't know ashens, you need to look at his other videos. He reviews all sorts of crap on an old brown sofa.
That channel is full of shitty everything, great find!
This has nothing on Motorcycle The Pooh (Although it does look like it could have been the same manufacturer!)
Yay!! Ashens is spilling over into other subreddits and that is great.
That back flap thingy doesn't look at happy to be part of THE GOOSE.
VERY VERY VERY DOW DOW
bonk
VERY VERY VERY DOW DOW
VERY VERY VERY DOW DOW
VERY VERY VERY DOW DOW
bonk
VERY VERY VER-HAWNK HAWNK HAWNK HAWNK HAWNK HAWNK HAWNK egg HAW-tapVERY VERY VERY DOW DOW
VERY VERY VERY DOW DOW
Ashens on this sub is cheating!