Ph'nglui mglw'nafh E.T. R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. In his house at R'lyeh, dead E.T waits dreaming. Eurgh! In all his cosmic horrors that he dreamt up,
Lovecraft could never have imagined a monstrosity such as this. Interactive E.T. Yeah, I know, it doesn't look frightening
now, but just like Cthulhu, it's technically dead, but somehow waiting to be woken up. Which is something I must shortly do. May the Elder Gods forgive me. Yes. This is a toy for children, apparently. Umm... it's essentially a repackaged, and
heftily redesigned Furby. Made, obviously, to look like E.T. The charming extra-terrestrial from that film,
that was out in the '80s, then they re-released it and changed all the guns for mobile-phones,
and everybody went "Hmm?". That's the story of E.T. Except for that bit where he goes white and
nearly dies. Anyway, I'm getting off the beaten track,
because I'm trying to avoid looking at this. It's got its red hoody on. Hooray! That means it's a criminal. But, maybe not, because criminals don't have
speakers in their stomach that are barely camouflaged, and some sort of horrifying light
sensor shoved into their chest. If they do, they're probably not criminals,
but space aliens! Much like E.T. Well, I say that about E.T generically, this
one's more in the sort of "Cosmic Horror" umm... Category. As we shall see, later. Oh, incidentally, this item was kindly donated
by a viewer, who was uhh... Good enough to supply the box that it came in! So uhh... Cheers for that, chap. Oh dear, well, let's have a look at it shall
we? Before I am forced to turn it on. As you can see, it has eyes. Dead eyes. Which still somehow see. It has, like, a rubbery face, for the movements,
and arms, which don't really move- ooh, I don't want to touch it! I might accidentally wake it up. Let's be quiet. Oh, who am I kidding? We're going to have to wake it. You do that, by sacrificing a goat! No, you do that, by squeezing its hand. Which means you're its friend. Are you ready for the horror? 'Cause I'm bloody not! Awaken! We implore thee. Oh, it's not waking up... Ooh, maybe it's finally dead! Thank goodness for that! Alright, I'll try the other hand. Man, you really have to squeeze these things... It wants to know that you really mean it! Hmm... Can't seem to wake him from his slumber... I'll have to use a more direct method. [Clicking and Whirring] Argh! >> E.T. Friend. Stay away man! I swear to God, you move an
inch, I'll blow your fucking head off! That's alright, it's quiet. Right, I think we're safe. I'll just put the gun down... And stare into it's DEAD UNBLINKING EYES! Go on then, face the camera. Everyone watching- >> Let's play game. No, let's not. No. >> You pick. No, I don't want to pick a game to play, all
yours involve ripping up prostitutes. Yes. E.T is alive, and making incredibly loud
motor noises. [Laughs] Sounds like the bloody terminator! How do
children like this thing? You often can't hear what it's saying over
the noise of the motors. Which is never a good thing- Ooh, Aah! >> Ohh! E.T. hear strange noise! E.T hear strange noise? That's my voice, you
cheeky little bastard! God, I hate you even more now! Well, let's see what we can do with E.T then. You can sort of pat it on the head! Ooh! [Clicking and Whirring] >> Eeeeee! Uh-Oh! Oh God, it's on fire! [Laughs] Never seen it to that. I pressed its head a bit too hard. Mmm. But now, I am the master of you, E.T. Go forth, with your unholy army of the night,
and do whatever it is you do. Umm... you can squeeze it's hand. >> Ooooooooooh. Play together. No... it's glowing again! I'm warning you man, stay back! That's alright, it's stopped. Yeah, you squeeze
its hand and it goes weird. In fact, that seems to be it's reaction to
everything. You can make loud noises. [Loud Clap] >> E.T Ouch. E.T Ouch? You're in pain are you? You're in pain? Think of the pain you're inflicting
on the people watching this! Let's squeeze it's hand, see if it makes it
feel better. >> Mmm... E.T happy. There we are, he's happy, because I squeezed
his hand. If only all things were so easily pleased. You can also cover up its light sensor. And nothing happens. Oh, something happened when I did that earlier,
I'm sure I read it in the manual. Nope, not interested. Well, bloody so- >> E.T phone home. Oh, God. Now it's doing catch phrases. Deary me. What does the other hand do? Oh yeah, now this is interesting. >> Oooooooh. Don't do that. You're scaring me again. I'm having to touch it. Go on, do something. >> E.T [inaudible voice over whirring sound] What? I'm very confused now. Basically, are you may have noticed, it talks
in semi-english gibberish, whilst craning its head up and down and making terrifying
whirring noises. It's like an idle to some sort of evil cosmic
god. Or possibly is an evil cosmic god. I haven- >> Let's play with E.T. Let's play with E.T? Hmm... that sounds a
little bit dubious, let's not go into that. Umm... Let's have a loot at E.T's play guide,
shall we? Mmm... "Important consumer notice." - do not
buy this! "E.T says hello! Congratulations! E.T is coming
to live with you. >>... Play Shut up! >> [Inaudible talking] What? >> Very, very fun! My god, that was creepy. What was that? It
wants to play... What? I genuinely didn't understand. Follow Arrow? I don't know. "Congratulations E.T is coming to live with
you", that's not "congratulations", That's "die, screaming in terror. E.T is coming to
live with you". "There's nothing on earth quite like E.T",
yes, there's a reason for that! These things only exist in the far reaches. >> Uhhhhhhhh... Shut it! >> Time to play. Seriously. Quiet. Bloody thing. Just give me one excuse, and I'll blow its
brains out. Mind you, where are its brains? Probably in
its chest. "E.T loves to learn, play, and eat brains".
Yes, yes, marvellous. "Get to know E.T". Ahh, here we go, "Light
Sensor" "E.T can tell light from dark". Well, he's
a lucky monkey, isn't he? >> E.T happy, not [Unpleasant noise] What? E.T happy, not [unpleasant noise]? Don't
make noises like [Unpleasant noise]. That's not a good thing for kids! "Head. You can pat E.T on the head". >> Eeeeeeee. Very loud. What? Did he just say pee? I don't know. "Inside Sensor. E.T will know when you pick
him up or turn him upside down". Ooh, I haven't tried that yet. "You can squeeze his hands, and he can hear
you clap your hands". Marvellous. "E.T's Secret. Hear E.T have a burping and
hiccupping frenzy"? Who wants to bloody experience that?! "Follow these actions"- >> E.T play game. Shut it! "Remember to wait until E.T has stopped moving
and speaking before you carry out the next action". Yeah, he's not that intelligent,
is he? "Turn E.T upside down to get his attention". [Laughs] Yeah that works for most animals. Go on then. Have I got your attention? >> Whee! Fly! No, you're not flying. Trust me, you're not flying. "Tilt him. Tilt him. Tilt him." You enjoying the tilts, E.T? There we go, now "Pat him on the head". >> E.T Ouch. >> E.T Ouch. Oh, I hurt him. Well that please me, but umm... That's not
quite the burping frenzy though. Oh I can't be bothered, what else we got. "Growing to know you better". What? "When you first begin playing with E.T he
will only know a few actions and English words. This is stage 1 of his development." What?! >> E.T- Shut it! "As there is so much to experience, he will
not spend"- [E.T talking in background] Shut up! "He will not spend much time playing games
with you", well I hope not! "... But he will develop quickly as you touch him and care
for him. And eventually he will pass into stage 2 of his development"! What?! Stage 2 of his development? Are you mad?! I'm not going to let it reach stage 2! That's
one step towards stage 3, where it summons the many angled ones to feast on the minds
of men! Also. Shut up! Oh god. Blah, blah, blah. "Squeezing his hand"- oh the right hand is
used for games. I remember now. "E.T loves being in the dark"! He can stalk
his prey more easily! "It is so safe and secure, it reminds him
of his home". Actually, it's a very good thing. That uhh...
he likes being in the dark, because of course, I imagine that he'll be played with once or
twice, then left in a dark cupboard for the rest of his bloody existence. Ah, he's fallen asleep. Thank God for that, maybe he'll shut up for
a bit. "E.T Secret. To hear E.T have a hilarious
laughing attack"- Yeah I'll bet he laughs like this. MUAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAH! [Evil laugh] "Follow these actions. Remember to wait until
E.T has stopped moving and speaking before you ca"- Yeah yeah. "Turn E.T upside down
to get"- [Sigh] We're going to have to wake him up again aren't
we? Oh man, every time I do this I feel like I'm
dooming the earth. Come on E.T wake up. Wakey. Wakey. >> Ow. Mmm... Sleepy. Shut up! Do as you're bloody told! I paid for you, I stuck batteries in you! Well, I didn't pay for you, somebody sent
you to me. That's not the point. Wake, WAKE! Wake! >> Ow. Mmm... Sleepy. Oh for crying out loud! It's a belligerent
E.T. This is the last thing the world needs. Come on! Yeah that woke you up didn't it- Oh god he's
on fire again. Right, he's awake, what have we got to do? Turn E.T upside down to get his attention.
I think we did that. Pat him on the head. Pat him on the head. Pat him on the head. Tilt him. >> Woah! Woah! Woah! More! No, he's now a masochist, and is enjoying
the physical abuse that I'm doling out onto him. But, strangely enough, that didn't cause a
hilarious laughing attack. Deary me. "Falling asleep. When E.T gets bored or tired,
he will fall asleep". I know that feeling. "He might sometimes fall asleep, when he is
talking to another E.T". Well, that's just rude! God, they talk to each other?! Oh man, you'd have to have two of these in
the room together, that's not happening! "Getting sick. E.T is far from home and needs
your love and affection. If you go a long time without touching his right hand, he will
begin to feel sick". Oh, for crying out loud! The dog pukes up enough as it is, I don't
want the robot doing it as well. "Playing games with E.T". If the games don't
involve smashing him to pieces, I don't care. [E.T talking in background] Shut Up! Oh. Deary me, what else have we got? Oh, that's bizarre, A set of E.T shaped medals. Ah! These are what you apply to the side of
your aircraft, when you've blown one of these bastards up from it. Right. "Interactive E.T. E.T's care guide".
Ahh... now he's asleep, let's learn how to care for him. Ah "Inserting batteries". Yes, you shove them
up his arse. That's a very bad thing to do with a pet normally,
but there we go. "Reset / Restart E.T." [Laughs] Wish I could reset the dog, when he's ill,
that would be excellent! "Press the reset button on E.T's base and
remove the batteries". Oh brilliant. Blah, blah, blah. "If E.T does not work". "E.T could be sick, if this is the case, he
needs to be nursed back to health." No, he just needs to be reset, he's a bloody robot. "Cleaning E.T". Blah, blah, blah, blah. "Do not put E.T in the washing machine. Do
not submerge E.T in water. Important, fill in the voucher, 3 month warranty." "Please note that that interactive E.T was
designed using non-Euclidean geometry and as such cannot be fully perceived by humans".
Blah, blah, blah. Oh, dear. Well I don't really know what to make of this. Apparently, you need to spend a lot of time
playing around with it, and loving it, and touching it, and doing things to its hands
and not threatening it with firearms. And then it will play shit games. Apparently one called Follow, and then you
can play Hide and Seek or something. Except it's physically incapable of hiding
or seeking, so it would be the worst game of hide and seek ever. Oh well, at least I'm less scared of it than
I was at the start. That's something. Right. Come on, wake you up. >> Ohhh. Eurgh! I really don't like it when it does
the neck thing. Well, I'm going to be honest with you E.T. I'm going to be very honest with you. I don't like you. I don't like you at all. I really don't like
what you are. You displease me, on many levels, and I'm
going to change you. I'm going to make you different, I'm going
to make you better. You'll like it! You'll like it, you won't
be scared any more. [Laughs] Come on E.T. >> E.T phone home. Yeah! Yeah! Come on E.T. I'll help you phone
home, you come with me, come on. [Laughs] I'm going to make everything better for you. I'll solve all of your problems and make you
have nice dreams! [Creepy Music] [Knife Clicking] EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! There. Much better. [Subtitles Created by Aran Fielder. Youtube:
GoesAroundAndAround] [Creepy Music]
